Tag: bittersweet

Lost Distance

horseman69Leave a comment

I bought a train ticket to her town. In days I will see her again, after 4 months of involuntary separation because of school and life, I finally get to see her face. It almost feels like I’ve been in space for an awfully long time, and now, I’m given a chance to breath. 

In space, there is literally nothing. No sound, no touch, no smell, except for the glowing stars in your sight. You see the colors of the stars, but fail to touch any. A long distance relationship isn’t easy, it’s just as hard as breathing in space. 

It’s an odd feeling. Does it create more bond? There had to a better way than this bitter approach. I don’t think anyone chose to be long distance lovers, and I think all of them are chance-takers. Whenever they see a chance, they jump for it without second thought. 

I feel like something will break in me when I see her again. I doubt anything will change in me dramatically, but like standing in the ocean, you could sense the current about to rush onto your body. You know it’s the fruit of the bittersweet that yield only rarely. 

The hands that choke me are about to be released from my throat. Will I cry when I see her again?

Photo credit: i.pinimg.com

Picture-Perfect Christmas

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Seasons and memories have always been so weird to me.  I almost get seasonal depression, but not in the season one may suspect.

I get this feeling when it’s cold;  I’m content with everything and the most peaceful I have ever felt in my life.  My heart almost freezes, as if to stay in that feeling.

There seems to always be a memory associated with this feeling in my head.  It’s one of the strongest memories from my childhood, though that doesn’t say much. It’s a haze of little things.

I remember the dress. It was a new, red dress for Christmas.

Photo Credit: Pinterest.com

I remember the bear. Its paws lit up and it played a song. It was my favorite gift that year.

I remember the restaurant. It was right outside the mall, about 30 minutes away from home.

I remember the driveway. It was littered with pine needles.

I remember my parents.  They were happy, for once.

Everything was perfect.  It is the only time I look back and think I had a picture-perfect childhood.  It’s the only time I don’t remember yelling.  It’s the only time everyone got along.  It was the only time there was love everywhere.

Maybe that’s why I get so happy when it’s cold outside.

A Time for Change.

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Change is healthy.

Today, before I left the dorms for the Ojai Farmer’s Market, I made a spur of the moment decision to change my room around. My bed has been rearranged. My dresser once cluttered with various cosmetics and toiletries is now bare, my small pink and white refrigerator brandishing those same perfumes and toothbrushes.

It feels good.

I spent a large part of my day cleaning and reorganizing and reopening and removing. I usually feel a need for this sort of change at the end of the school year in the dormitories.

Today was different though.

As I am beginning to sum up my five years at Ojai Valley School, writing the last pages of my high school days, priming for the next chapter of my life, I am slowly growing more anxious, scared, and unsure.

What is undeniable is my insatiable desire to graduate. 

I don’t know what it is. A part of me does not want to leave, knowing how much I will miss this place, a part has been growing since September. I guess I am scared to leave this small hill that blessed me with so many happy, great memories but, I think I am too scared to leave the people I love so much behind.

But time is surely passing by faster this year…

I only wish that I make sure this year is great. I am happier than I ever was with my friends and the people I surround myself with. And I want to leave feeling elated and proud.

COLLEGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now that is what I cannot get off my mind. Where will I GO!? I find out the results of my Early Evaluation application to Wellesley College. But after that, I have another dreaded MONTH of waiting for results. Goodness gracious. The college process is absolutely dreadful. Hopefully, great news will unfold in the upcoming weeks!!

Wish Me Luck.