Slipping

It seems as if, no matter how much I try to hold on to something, I can’t.  I don’t even have time to wrap my head around anything.

Everything is moving faster than me and I can’t seem to hold onto the present.  Right when I start to settle in, everything changes.

I got used to letting everything slip through my fingertips, until I met you.  When I met you, I finally felt as if I could hold onto something.

But, I was wrong.

I should have known that I couldn’t hold onto anything, let alone you, but I was young and foolish.

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I got used to your arms. I thought they would hold me in the present my whole life.

Then, one day they were ripped away faster than I could blink.  The one place that I truly felt safe was taken away.  It hurt and was scary. I thought it could never get worse, until I realized you meant more to me than I could have ever meant to you. I seemed to be something that you wanted to forget and you wanted to erase me.

You ripped me apart and made me feel lower than I could have ever imaged, but I had my best friend.

At least, that’s what I thought, until she found a new boy who was better than me.

Then, I lost another close friend.  It felt as if he dropped off the face of the earth.  He never texted me and I never even saw or heard anything about him, until he was on my friend’s story.  This friend thought we had drifted apart and no longer wanted to be my friend as well.

So, I laid in my bed all day with nothing to do and no one to do nothing with.

All my friends did things with their summers, they posted it, too.  I watched them have fun and get tan as I laid in bed and let the present fully slip from my grasp.

Now, I have to grow up, vote, apply to college, and survive my senior year. I have to do this while faking to everyone I have a grip on the present and present myself as put-together.

I’ve slipped like this before and somehow I was able to make it out, but sometimes it really seems impossible without you.

Why wasn’t I enough for you?

Why did you let me slip?

Why wouldn’t you let me make things okay?

Why should I try to make things okay when you’re the one who fucked it up?

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I Miss You

When I say I miss you, it’s not you that I miss.  I just miss the memories and I miss what we had. I miss the beach and Mongolian BBQ.  I miss all the things I will never experience again.

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When I say I want you back, you have to understand I don’t want who you are now.  I want who you used to be and the way we used to be.

When I say I love you, I hope you know I am not in love with you anymore.  I just have love for you.  I want the best for you and hope you’re happy, but I don’t look at you and become filled with happiness and love anymore.

I hate when I hear bad things about you.  I hate to see you struggling with something, but most of all I hate that we don’t even smile at each other anymore.

I will always care, even if I don’t want to be with you.

I could never say any of this out loud to anyone, so I hope you read this and know who you are.  Maybe, one day, we could go back to that beach and be happy again.

Dear Dad,

It’s been seven years since you’ve passed and it still doesn’t feel real.

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This past year has been one of the hardest years without you.  I had my first love and first heartbreak.

The only person I wanted after that heartbreak was you, but you weren’t here.  I needed you to be here, I needed your advice, I had no clue what to do.

I have no father figure to lead me and I am just starting to become a woman, I need your advice.

In just under two months, I am going to be 18 and you won’t be there.

You won’t be there for anything. We won’t have a father-daughter dance, you won’t walk me down the aisle, you won’t watch me graduate, and you won’t watch me grow up.  I will never know if you are proud of who I am becoming.

I know I shouldn’t be mad at you, but it gets hard sometimes.

I know it wasn’t your fault.

It was fated.

I need to let fate take over now.  You must have left me for a reason.

I am stronger than I could have ever imagined me to be by this age. I know how to fend for myself.  I know I can make it through anything now. I know you would be proud of who I am becoming and that is all that matters.

I miss you, but I know I can make it through.

Four Letters

Love is just a four letter word thrown around like a feather.

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I used to throw it around without a care because, to me, it was just a word.  At least, that’s what I told myself.

Then, one day, I fell in love.

It was the strongest emotion I had ever felt.  It was like when you’re a kid and you got to sleepover at your best friend’s house on a school night.  I felt like I was flying.  Nothing could ever break me down.

Then, he ripped me to shreds.  He tore my heart out and stomped on it without ever looking back.

That four letter word lifted me higher than I had ever been.  Then, tore me down faster than I fell for his lies.  It was the strongest emotion I had ever felt.  Then, I felt the aftermath of it: heartbreak.

Now, I wonder how anyone could ever say that word in the first place.

Love is not just a four letter word.