Most people think nothing of getting close to someone.  They just hang out with someone and one day find themselves closer than the first day they met.  I wish I could be like that, but instead, I sit in my room alone scared of getting too close.

It’s not that I hate everyone and I don’t want to be close to anyone.  It’s that I don’t want to lose them.  From the time I was 10 until I was about 15, I lost 9 close family members.  For a while, I couldn’t go more than 6 months without losing a family member.  Whenever a family member died, it seemed like I had just started to get close and attached to them.

For the longest time, I did not want to get close to anyone because I was nervous that they would die.  I believed I was cursed and that everyone I loved would die.

After a little, I somewhat got over that and started to get close to people without fear of them dying.  This only caused me to develop another fear.  It seemed as though most of my friends decided that I wasn’t good enough for them and would leave.

I know it’s a dumb fear I should get over and I am tryin,g that’s why I am writing it out.