can’t write

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I’ve written so many drafts trying to talk about this, but no matter what I write nothing sounds right.  This is not something I can write in one sitting.  The words have to be perfect.

It seems like no matter how many times I write it, it still sounds horrible.  I can’t even write this post where I don’t say what the other post says.

I can’t bring up what is in the other post because just bringing it up is not right to me.  Everything about it has to be perfect.

It will probably be the last blog post I write because that is how long it will take to perfect.  The thing I want to say is probably one of the hardest things I have ever written.  I don’t know how to not sound naive when saying it.

I hope that I can actually put it into words and that it is enough for him.

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Most people think nothing of getting close to someone.  They just hang out with someone and one day find themselves closer than the first day they met.  I wish I could be like that, but instead, I sit in my room alone scared of getting too close.

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It’s not that I hate everyone and I don’t want to be close to anyone.  It’s that I don’t want to lose them.  From the time I was 10 until I was about 15, I lost 9 close family members.  For a while, I couldn’t go more than 6 months without losing a family member.  Whenever a family member died, it seemed like I had just started to get close and attached to them.

For the longest time, I did not want to get close to anyone because I was nervous that they would die.  I believed I was cursed and that everyone I loved would die.

After a little, I somewhat got over that and started to get close to people without fear of them dying.  This only caused me to develop another fear.  It seemed as though most of my friends decided that I wasn’t good enough for them and would leave.

I know it’s a dumb fear I should get over and I am tryin,g that’s why I am writing it out.

Growing Up

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It’s something we all do, but it seems as though no one talks about it.  There’s no step-by-step books, no instructions. Nothing to guide you, nobody that tells you exactly what to do. Yet, everyone acts like they know everything.

No one admits that they mess up, that they don’t know what to do or that they are grasping at straws like the rest of us.  It’s scary to admit I don’t know what I am doing because I feel as though I’ll be standing alone.

I’m scared that in August I will be living on my own.  I’m scared of being on the other side of the country from my mom.  I’m scared of having to figure most things out on my own.

I’m also so excited to start my life.  I’m excited to be in control of what I do.  Most of all, I am excited to show the world who I am and see where it takes me.

Feelings

I don’t even know what to call this.

I’m mad.

I’m sad.

I’m frustrated.

I want to punch a wall.

I want to cry.

I wanna talk to someone, but I’m scared.  I have brought it up to a few people, but they’re not the ones I want to talk to. But, I don’t know how to talk to you.  I don’t know how to tell you what I’m feeling; I don’t really know what I am even feeling.  But, I know it’s dumb.  I don’t care if you hang out with your friends, but yesterday was a bad day so it annoyed me more than it ever should have.  I don’t care if I see you later on Saturday, I don’t know why it made me upset.

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Clearly, Saturday really isn’t the thing that is getting to me.  But, I don’t really know what is getting to me.  I honestly just miss you and hate how hard it is to see you.  Also, I’m starting to develop real feelings, which I have been scared of, and have been trying to stay away from since last year.  I don’t want to push you away, but I am scared I am going to subconsciously do that.

I have no clue how to bring this up and actually say this to you and I know my hints are too subtle, but I know you’ve read a couple of my blog posts, so hopefully, you’ll read this and understand it.

Finny Tales

Those of you who attend the Ojai Valley School may have heard of, or perhaps even been lucky enough to encounter, the dog Fin. Fin is no ordinary dog. He belongs to the head of the girls dorm, Ms. Megan, and it is perhaps from her that he has acquired his original qualities.

My first encounter with Fin took place the first week of school, during a dorm meeting. Ms. Megan’s sister was recalling a cautionary tale of how, one day, she was bending down in order to give him a loving cuddle, and was snapped at in the close proximity of her face. It was at this point I decided I would avoid Fin at all costs.

For those of you who don’t know, and I’m guessing the majority of you don’t, I am a dog lover. In fact, I love all animals (except insects and snakes, but let’s face it, not very many people like them either). However, the thought of being bit in the face, even if the dog is toothless, is not particularly pleasing to me.

Unfortunately, my plan to avoid what I thought was a dangerous dog did not exactly follow through. One night, which was an especially terrible night, the fire alarm in the girls dorm decided to go off an amazing three times. Now imagine the fire alarm from your high school, the nightmarish one that never stops. Then imagine yourself sleeping peacefully, only to be startled awake and pulled from your cozy bed for a fire drill. We were not happy.

The first time the alarm went off that night, there was chaos as all the girls attempted to go through two doors at once. Ms. Megan was standing off to the side in one of the hallways, ushering us along. For some reason, probably just because I was the closest one to her, she thrust Fin’s leash into my hands and told me to take him outside.

Deciding to put on a brave face, I held Fin at arms length and escorted him to the outside. Instead of ruthlessly attacking me, as I foolishly expected, Fin huddled against my legs and looked up at me with the sweetest puppy dog eyes one will ever see. Besides my two dogs back home, because well, no one can beat them. Not even Fin.

At that precise moment my resolve to avoid Fin dissolved, and I instead decided that he would be my best friend. Of course, surrounded by amazing people at school and in classes, that did not exactly happen. However, whenever I do see the wonderful dog Fin, he brightens my day.

Without even meaning to, I have become that annoying person who uses the baby voice when around animals. I promise I only do it with Fin. I won’t lie, there are a few exceptions. I also bend down and scratch his head.

When he’ll let me that is.

But the lesson contained within the ramble of this story is not that Fin is a nice dog, even though he is. The lesson is that you should make decisions about whether or not you want to be around someone based on your own experiences, not someone else’s.

A Time for Change.

Change is healthy.

Today, before I left the dorms for the Ojai Farmer’s Market, I made a spur of the moment decision to change my room around. My bed has been rearranged. My dresser once cluttered with various cosmetics and toiletries is now bare, my small pink and white refrigerator brandishing those same perfumes and toothbrushes.

It feels good.

I spent a large part of my day cleaning and reorganizing and reopening and removing. I usually feel a need for this sort of change at the end of the school year in the dormitories.

Today was different though.

As I am beginning to sum up my five years at Ojai Valley School, writing the last pages of my high school days, priming for the next chapter of my life, I am slowly growing more anxious, scared, and unsure.

What is undeniable is my insatiable desire to graduate. 

I don’t know what it is. A part of me does not want to leave, knowing how much I will miss this place, a part has been growing since September. I guess I am scared to leave this small hill that blessed me with so many happy, great memories but, I think I am too scared to leave the people I love so much behind.

But time is surely passing by faster this year…

I only wish that I make sure this year is great. I am happier than I ever was with my friends and the people I surround myself with. And I want to leave feeling elated and proud.

COLLEGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now that is what I cannot get off my mind. Where will I GO!? I find out the results of my Early Evaluation application to Wellesley College. But after that, I have another dreaded MONTH of waiting for results. Goodness gracious. The college process is absolutely dreadful. Hopefully, great news will unfold in the upcoming weeks!!

Wish Me Luck.

 

Just Like That

Confused. Miserable. Alone.  Scared.

So, so scared.

The worst how empty she felt.

Where was her mother, her father, her sisters, her brothers?

Was she in their thoughts? Was it only her?
Soon, she could think of nothing. Her mind drew blank.

She faced the white, chalky wall atop her tall bunk bed, the railings red and bright. Her lungs were heavy. One breath in. One breath out.

Was this what her 13 years of life had come to?

Another deep breath out.

She closed her eyes, hoping that sleep would take over. She whispered a prayer to God that someone would find her, that she might find herself.

How silly she was to think she was alone in the midst of this struggle. How narrow minded, how blind to the future she was.

Because beneath her, with an obnoxious rustle of the sheets, a skinny girl with young, wispy hair and her insistent tapping, made it clear that she was not alone.

And just like that, without words, the little girl gave her the strength she needed.