The f-word

This one word scares me more than any other word in the English language, but also makes me more excited than any other word.  It makes me excited about what can happen, but also leaves me scared and like I am in a dark abyss.

The future is such a simple word, but it means so much more than anyone could ever explain.

Everything in my life right now is setting up my future.  I have applied to college and committed to the best school for me, yet I still feel like I have no clue what my future actually holds.  I know where I am going to be living and what I am going to be studying, but that’s all.

I do not know what friends I am going to have out there, where I am going to work, and the hardest one for me is that I do not know what I am going to do with my boyfriend.  I don’t want to hold him back,  but I also don’t want to let him go.  We both want to live in the same state once we graduate college so I don’t know if I say bye if it will actually be bye and not see you later.

I am so excited to meet everyone and make new friends.  I can’t wait to see how everyone will help me grow into the woman I am going to become.  I can’t wait to find myself and learn how to be an adult.  I am so excited to settle down, have my own family, live in my own house, and be in the only one in charge of my family.

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I have the big things planned for my future, but the little things are still unknown and those are the things I really want to know.  My future is such a blur and I am so scared to see what happens, but I am also so excited to watch it all unfold in front of my eyes.

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650 Words

How am I supposed to tell you who I am in 650 words?  Are 650 words really going to tell you who I am and why you should choose me for your school?

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I am more than 650 words.  I am 650 pages that are still be written.  There are too many stories for you to know who I truly am from only 650 words.  Only one small story will be able to fit in these 650 words, so don’t think this is truly me.  Please don’t believe that this is all I am and all I can be.  I am so much more than this small part of my life.  The story has impacted me a great deal, but it is not the only thing that has.

When you read this please remember that I am a novel and 650 words will not do me justice.  So college admissions counselor, read these 650 words and remember they are just a taste of what I could be and not all of me.

Him

I never would have been able to imagine someone making me this happy.  The little things he does makes me happier than anyone else’s little things has ever done.

Listening to the dumbest songs in his truck and watching him sing them and just act like a dork makes me smile so much my mouth hurts.  Just sitting next to him makes me happy.

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He does sweet, small things which add up and make me feel so happy and he is actually happy to be with me.

He always opens doors for me, picks me up, and takes me out.  He treats me with respect and takes care of me.  I almost never pay for anything myself and he just makes me incredibly happy with the conversations we have.

On Saturday, he told me that after he washed his truck, he found something weird in the mud. I never would have imagined that someone writing out prom with mud would make me so happy.

Even when I just go to his house and watch TV with his family and him, I am happy.  I love spending time with him and I love the girl’s days I have with his mom and his younger sister.

I am so lucky to be with him.  He is so sweet to me and I feel like I don’t deserve him and the way he treats me.  I haven’t felt this love and appreciation since my dad died.  It sounds weird, but he was the only person in my life who showed how much he cared about me until I met him.

I know he was hurt in the past and I hope he knows I could never do that to him.  I, also, hope that I make him feel as special and happy as he makes me.

Growing Up

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It’s something we all do, but it seems as though no one talks about it.  There’s no step-by-step books, no instructions. Nothing to guide you, nobody that tells you exactly what to do. Yet, everyone acts like they know everything.

No one admits that they mess up, that they don’t know what to do or that they are grasping at straws like the rest of us.  It’s scary to admit I don’t know what I am doing because I feel as though I’ll be standing alone.

I’m scared that in August I will be living on my own.  I’m scared of being on the other side of the country from my mom.  I’m scared of having to figure most things out on my own.

I’m also so excited to start my life.  I’m excited to be in control of what I do.  Most of all, I am excited to show the world who I am and see where it takes me.

Love

Love always seemed fun to me.

It always enticed me and made me want to fall into it.

I was so excited when I fell in love.

But, I realized pretty early

I never really fell into love, I crashed into it.

I was reckless and lost it.

Then, I felt like I lost myself.

Without love, I was confused and miserable.

Everything seemed hopeless and dumb.

Falling again seemed like something only idiots would do,

I promised I would never fall again.

 

Then, I met you.

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I don’t even know if I could call this falling.

It feels as if I’m floating up to cloud nine,

All my cares fade away when I’m around you.

It’s as if nothing else matters.

I’m no longer scared to fall, because I know your arms will always be there.

Your hands are soft and sweet and when you wrap me up in them, I feel your strength.

In your arms, I am not scared to fall.

Because I know I’m not falling,

I’m floating.

Feelings

I don’t even know what to call this.

I’m mad.

I’m sad.

I’m frustrated.

I want to punch a wall.

I want to cry.

I wanna talk to someone, but I’m scared.  I have brought it up to a few people, but they’re not the ones I want to talk to. But, I don’t know how to talk to you.  I don’t know how to tell you what I’m feeling; I don’t really know what I am even feeling.  But, I know it’s dumb.  I don’t care if you hang out with your friends, but yesterday was a bad day so it annoyed me more than it ever should have.  I don’t care if I see you later on Saturday, I don’t know why it made me upset.

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Clearly, Saturday really isn’t the thing that is getting to me.  But, I don’t really know what is getting to me.  I honestly just miss you and hate how hard it is to see you.  Also, I’m starting to develop real feelings, which I have been scared of, and have been trying to stay away from since last year.  I don’t want to push you away, but I am scared I am going to subconsciously do that.

I have no clue how to bring this up and actually say this to you and I know my hints are too subtle, but I know you’ve read a couple of my blog posts, so hopefully, you’ll read this and understand it.

I am happy, not sad

(follow up to I am not sad)

I didn’t need to assume.

I knew it was a date.

I am happy it was;

I am content.

 

I thought about my outfit for days.

I planned everything out, down to the perfume I was going to wear.

I am happy I put so much thought into it;

I am content.

 

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We went and got dinner, then went to the movies.

You picked me up too early, so we had so much extra time.

I am happy we had so much time to talk;

I am content.

 

We talked the whole way to Ventura.

There was never an awkward silence.

I am happy I was so comfortable.

I am content.

 

You were going to drop me off.

You asked me to be your girlfriend.

I am happy that question was finally asked.

I am content

 

I am happy that there is something between us.

I am happy she is gone.

I am content I called dibs.