
A Man and his Mule


Being trapped in a fucking superficial choke hold
You say I look pretty, but I don’t feel better not enlightened, nothing like the eight-fold
Can one be seen for more than the shape of their nose?
Probably not how could I even suppose
We claim to be changing the way we think, as a whole, as a society
Definitely not because the way we look still gives people panic attacks, anxiety.
Trying to express yourself, or make a statement resulting in getting called a slut
Looking to get called a prude, insecure, or just plain unattractive if you don’t walk around confidently, if you don’t strut
How could I believe in people acting better?
“Why the hell are you going out wearing that sweater?”
Beauty standards driving me mad
Get me out of here, I want to leave, will I look back and this will be all that I had?
Definition of you and me
What color are your nails? How much were your jeans? Did you get a degree?
Adjourn these standards, adjourn this rhyme scheme, adjourn society!!

when I go to the beach or sit in my backyard, i like to have moments to myself where i am able to reflect on my decisions (past and future ones) while i look at the sun setting.
the sun has always drawn me (even though i hate the heat). i’m not sure why either. maybe it’s because i was born in arizona and raised in california but that has always been a question in the back of my head.
there is a point in the day where the sun becomes vulnerable. as the heat begins to die down and the night chill takes over, the sun is at its weakest and i am infatuated with that moment. when this key element for human survival is powerless, i am able to become emotionally naked. Together, the sun and I are parallels as we expose ourselves.
while i sit on the sand or on the grass and look up at the painted sky, i ask myself these simply put but complex questions: am i happy? and if so, why or why not?
Lately, i have been happy for a plethora of reasons. And today, the sun has made me think of the people who raised me. the sun has made me reflect on my mother who has taught me graciousness and the fundamentals of being a strong woman as well as my father, who installed creativity and imagination into my thought process at a young age.
so tonight, as i look into the golden sky, i thank the sun for keeping me humble and letting me pour my heart out when it and me are completely bare.
If I may,
through ye rivers
through ye trees
it is you who have suffered
by the hand of me
with starlets faded
and trumpets drowned
ye murky streams
stood idle
held fast in winter sounds
– you’re a river –
ancient winnings left unsung
you’re my peer, my equal
yet you still leave me stung
ye valley, ye hillside, ye marbled dismay
covered in oleander
onward ye May
ye gargling, ye moving, ye ponderous brook
(struck through me!)
a center it took
“Tear me to pieces
cut out where my eyes cease to look”
and just then will they open to see
the face of summer laughing at me
with eyes open wide
my love it did wander
for bitter I was
my heart it did squander:
ye forest, ye mountain, ye breeze
ye sunglass driving, ye proliferate bees.
Suppose I am the offspring of thine shepherd:
you are the hunt,
that which I am after.
and with the fall comes the rapid convergence:
mine sweet love’s resurgence
But once again the autumn leaves took
to a different stream or babbling brook
and forevermore I am wandering in a forest ever stranger
of perilous rot
and cavernous danger
All that which a summer could bring!
but once again I am searching for a longer sting
and what of the prospect? What this winter will bring!
while more I could say might strengthen the pressure
I leave with you no words, no rhyme, no measure
that might contrast mine song of May
it tingles, it trickles, and just may delight
in telling a story of our precarious plight
with the sincerest intentions on an immeasurable scale,
all that you’re left with is a tacky email
and no words, no sermons, no divine light
could bring you back the way it would
into my life.
minutes later you answer:
true love is true love’s killer

Derived from my experiences from boarding schools, food delivery is inevitable. Boarding school’s rigorous schedule is demanding for students. I was wondering if my thought applies to other boarding school kids, and from their testimonies I could say for sure that boarding school’s food is insufficient for students. I believe that to boost boarding school kid’s morale , the school is responsible for better quality of food.

I acknowledged that the food can’t be perfect, but if school at least tries to satisfy students by communicating with them, I’m pretty sure that in result students will achieve greater performances, for instance, in academics, sports, and involvement. Also by better quality of school food, the trash caused by delivery will reduce significantly, which diminishes one of the big concerns in our school. In conclusion, I believe that if school communicates with student for better quality of food, the benefits will outweigh the negative effects.
I like to live in my head a lot. My mind is racing constantly with ideas, things to say, ways to approach conflicts, what to wear the next day. But most prominently, I see myself taking several different paths in my life, each of them dramatically different and in each of them, the same me.
I see myself going to New York after school and being an assistant to a high-up, liberal lawyer who defends the rights of the people.
I see myself traveling the world, opening my mind and not settling down until later in my life.
I see myself never coming back to Ojai.
I see myself becoming a cook and writing about my connection to food and the happiness it brings me and others.
I see myself being a complete activist who stands up for social and environmental causes resulting in a better, happier planet.
But I also see myself doing exactly what I currently plan on doing, going to school and becoming educated.
Even though each of these potential futures that I have created for myself are drastically different, there is a common thread, and that’s my happiness. I find myself extremely joyed in each of these positions. I am able to be myself.
I am at a point in my life where, for the first time, I can choose what I want to do in my future without restrictions. Now, taking my life into my own hands is a reality. But I have to ask myself, what am I prepared to do to get to one of these places?

I’ve recently come back to a certain state of mind.
It wasn’t a choice and nothing or no one triggered it.
I disconnect from the world completely without even realizing.
I leave my body, my brain as if watching over myself like a spirit.
Unaware if this is a past life or really just my reality.
Looking down to my hands lying limply on my lap unaware that they’re even mine.
It hits me I exist. I am here and alive.
I go through life numb, forgetting all that I’ve accomplished.
Coming home just to forget every conversation I had that day.
It seems as if theres an intruder taking charge of my every move.
To then steal my memories, leaving none for me.
My eyes glazed over staring off into a false reality.
Blinking, recalling none of this is a dream.
I am breathing, living human being who feels nothing.
Unaware if I’ll ever get to meet this person taking shelter in my own skin.
I’m unwillingly dissociated, but aspire to feel anything.
I used to think it was all behind me. I truly thought that, but something recently has been telling me that maybe it’s not.
I’m no longer skinny. I’m no longer underweight. I don’t weigh eighty-something pounds anymore. My heart isn’t in critical condition like it was. I no longer refuse to eat. I no longer have an eating disorder. The physical parts are gone, but some of the mental parts have stayed. No, I no longer cry before every meal, have multiple panic attacks daily, or slit my wrists. I no longer do any of those things, but sometimes I feel like I’m trapped in the days that I did.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m so much better than I was. So, so, so much better than I was. I guess what I’m trying to say is: yes I’m better, but no, I’m not perfect.
I’ve been stressed studying for finals lately, so I decided that skipping lunch would give me more time to study. There’s nothing wrong with this; its normal to skip meals time to time. What made me know something was up came later. I wasn’t skipping meals to lose weight or get skinner, it was for another reason. When I would skip lunch, my stomach would begin to gnaw and churn after a while. I like the feeling because it tells me that nothing is in my stomach, that my stomach is empty… I like it because the feeling of hunger distracts me from the emptiness I feel almost every single day.
Certain things give me flashbacks of what I went through, almost like PTSD in a way. For example, when my father buys a certain brand of sliced turkey. One day, my father had gone to the store. I asked him to buy a specific type of turkey, the turkey with 50 calories per two ounces. When he came back, he had bought a type which had 52 calories. I began to cry, my frail and bony body collapsed and my mother lunged to the floor where I lay, just as scared as I was, and tried to get me up. I wouldn’t move. I just stayed there. I just stayed on the floor sobbing and mumbling the words “I don’t want to live anymore” over and over again. My mom held her thirteen-year-old and dying daughter in her hands. She picked me up carefully and carried me to my bed, where she laid with me and we cried in unison… all of this over turkey. Now, whenever I see this brand of turkey in the fridge, its like that day fills my mind, takes over me, and haunts me. It’s different though, I’m not the girl on the floor anymore. I am a ghost watching in the corner, unable to do anything as I watch my mom and I suffer. As much as I try to reach out to myself and say “i’s okay, it’s going to be okay,” I can’t. As much as I try to get the memory to stop looping in my mind, it continues to replay and replay with more and more detail every loop. Just like the turkey, there are many more symbols equated with awful memories from my eating disorder. Natural Cafe,the white tank top on the bottom of my dresser,Pressed Juicery, my birthday, King’s Hawaiian Rolls, string cheese, buzz-cuts, and safety pins are just some of the items tied with memories even worse than the one above. Memories that I try to keep locked away for a reason.
I like to pretend like it’s behind me, but deep down I know it’s not. I honestly don’t think it will ever be. I’m not saying that I am in danger in any way shape or form if going back to how I used to be. All I am saying is (in honor of mental health awareness month) it’s okay to not be 100% okay.

They say you’re gonna die, but they won’t tell you how.. For most of us, it will be years. For some of us, it could be months, who knows. It could be weeks, days, minutes, seconds. Time doesn’t stop when your watch does. Scrape your knuckles. Flirt with mortality. Let the pink fade from your hair along with your insides too. Try to start liking super-hero movies. Let out your scummy feelings out on a man you meet in the street who asks you how your day was. Let it be known folk music is your favorite… FOLK MUSIC IS MY FAVORITE. Hum to guitar riffs. Screw over your coffee date, because you hate coffee. Pick petals off a flower… “Does he love me? He loves me not. Does he love me?” Sit on the fence when writing a persuasive speech. Be enthusiastic about history lessons. Learn the constitution. For gods sake, study religion and be an atheist. Oppose because it’s more interesting. Write illegibly. Run into a tree because you think it will slow you down. Tell your friends you love them, because you miss them. Cry because you can feel. Close your eyes to open them. Sit in absolute silence, but still hear screams. Act like an angel, yet dine with the devil. Do whatever the hell you want because, by now, you’re halfway to heaven.

hello, currently it’s 10:22 PM on a monday night and, for some reason, a tear drop is running down my left cheek.
it’s so insane to me that once you enter relationship with someone, everything you do, whether they see it or not, belongs to them… and everything the other person does, whether you see it or not, belongs to you.
belongs may be the wrong word and likely is, but, like i said, it’s 10:22 PM. The same single tear is running down my face for no reason and i have a migraine, so, to say the least, i’m feeling frazzled. but, i know if i don’t write this now, i never will.
this isn’t my finest writing, not in the least, but… when you date someone, it seems to me that they could be right in front of your eyes playing soccer while you watch from the sidelines, they could be giving money to a homeless person you only know about because of their friend that told you about it, or they could be doing something small, but wonderful you’ll never know about like maybe just helping their family cook dinner. all of what they do you can say is yours. they belong to you, they belong to you.

that person is yours in all their beauty. this is what i mean when i say i think every single person is beautiful… because it doesn’t matter the gender, the color of their fucking skin, or how many pimples they have. what matters is how they act, not only when they’re with you, but when they’re by themselves and what they do for others.
i don’t think i’ll ever be worthy of someone fully, because that incapsulates what they do when they’re alone and i think that’s a whole lot of beauty, almost too much. i will never be able to reciprocate, nor will i be ever deserving of such a thing… because to be deserving of all that is a lot of responsibility.
and oh, oh i wish i was. how i wish i could belong to someone else fully and they could belong to me and i could not be so utterly fascinated by the fact that they just merely exist and i wish maybe i didn’t have to self-sabotage myself because i feel so utterly underserving.
this isn’t meant to be self-depreciation, no, not in the least. this is just me expressing how i don’t think i’m worthy for being in being in relation with another living human being, because, even the fact that they’re a living human being is much too incredible.
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