Tag: feelings

Eyes closed blog

progstenLeave a comment

I’m typing this blog with my eyes closed the entire time. grammerly is also helping me but i don;t think that this will be perfect regurdless. i was curious to see what type of thoughts went throgh my brain while mt eyes were closed compare to when i see all the distractions both visually and audibly. while

I decided to take a second and listne and feel mt surroundings around me. I gear a cricket in the background and the celling creaking. However the thigns i have noticed most is mt other senses that are often masked by sight and sounf. I am noticing my breath more and the way my closes feel while wearing them. I am feelingmy hair fall on my face and the way my bacj feels against the couch. I also feel the weight of my eye lids wishing that they could fall asleep.

I hear my sister coming back from upper campus as she slams the car door shit like its not 11 oclock at night.

However I think the most intresting this about his blog is me attempting to learn where each key on the key board is bt feel alone rather than realining on both sight and muscle memory to type i am using the little dots on the F and J key to understand where my hands are on the board and where each letter is.

This blog is merely a idea i thought of with no real meaning or reson behinf it bedes to take away one of and my biggest sense in the human body being y sighy. It makes me wonder what being blind woulf feel like or what its like to have another one of my senses taken away from me.

I hope you have enjoured this blog as much as i have and i hope it can serve as a reminder to disconnnect yourself from things somtimes to appritce the others that might not stand out as much.

(I will not be fixing the grammar or spelling as it is part of the blog idea and its cool to see the trend/ habits i have when typing)

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Comfort Zone

leapingwaterLeave a comment

I have never been that good at getting myself out of my comfort zone. As a child, this was extremely tough for me. My mum would encourage me to do things, but I would shy away from actually trying. Looking back, I really do wish I had pushed myself to try different things. Once I turned 16, I decided that I wanted to try and push myself out of this comfort zone more. Even starting with the little things, such as making myself go on rollercoasters, which I have always been afraid of. I now really love rollercoasters! (Except for the ones that go upside down like whaaat.) My best friend is a huge reason as to why I push myself to do things I am afraid of. She always helps me to have more confidence, which I am forever thankful for. Today I sang for the first time in front of people. I was really nervous, but the support from my friends and family helped me feel so much better. I hope that I can continue to do things that scare me, because so far, I haven’t regretted doing that.

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Slow Down

graceovsLeave a comment

I hate rushing. I love taking my time, being meticulous, and doing things to the best of my ability. Like when I cook slowly, plating the dish perfectly. I’m writing this blog post slowly, ensuring the words sound right. It’s time-consuming, but it’s undeniably satisfying.

I think we have an overcomplicated life because even as a 16-year-old my schedule is packed. I don’t have the time to be a perfectionist and that makes me sad. Maybe it’s a good thing I don’t give my 100% to everything, but at the same time, I hate the pace at which I’m forced to live.

My second-semester junior year burn-out has inspired me to write about this, because never have I felt the time crunch more. I procrastinate too, which as you can imagine, only forces me to rush more as deadlines approach.

Thank god summer is on its way. For the first two weeks, I will rest, relax, and move through my days in slow motion, soaking up every minute.

PC: https://i.pinimg.com/564x/80/19/a7/8019a7c4ce0d25a67b1900f3b5f533a8.jpg

mess

elephantlover2035Leave a comment

Life is a beautiful mess. It is full of pain, suffering, joy, and happiness. There is destruction and there is creation. Life is full of ups and downs. It’s beautiful though. It’s knowing that although it is terrible, there is good. It’s knowing that people come together in the hardest times to create something new, to bring hope. It’s sloppy and dirty but is also clean and tidy. Life’s mess inspires inspiration and innovation. It paves a path for the next generations to do more, to be better than their ancestors. To restore the beautiful mess that was given to them, and make something out of it. Life is a mess- a chaotic mess of the good, the bad, and the ughh. A mess that needs to clean up, but also left alone. It’s nothing but a beguiling, convoluted, destructive, amusing thing. It’s beautiful, that’s what life is, a beautiful mess. 

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Love

elephantlover2035Leave a comment

I love love. I love the little things like the post-its I use in stats or how I can recognize moon phases thanks to astronomy. I love how drawers close after one push and it’s silent. I love how big my new water bottle is. I also love the big stuff like how my dad texts me every morning or how my grandparents drive up to Ojai on the weekend to pick me up. I love how the earth smells after it rains or when the sun peaks through the clouds. I love when my earbuds are at the perfect volume- not too loud but not too quiet. I love how my family prays to my grandpa every time we eat together because we know he is watching over us. I love how my friends who are miles away send me photos of their days.  I love how my family plays hand and foot for hours and we just laugh and shuffle decks of cards. I love my collection of cards from my loved ones that I’ve hoarded since I was younger. I love my summer memories of driving through Ojai with my favorite person. I love listening to a new song and adding it immediately to a playlist. I love my mom, even though we have our troubles, she is there for me even when she cannot be there physically. I love my sister, she is my best friend and greatest rival. I love cats, and how they are so particular about people. I love the feeling of a nice hot shower after a cold day. there is so much to love. I love dancing in the mirror to 2000s pop music. I love flowers and how beautiful they smell. I love my friends. I love reading and crying about the characters. I love talking about love and all there is to love.

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pc: me

crying

elephantlover2035Leave a comment

There is something so relieving about crying. Something about breaking down, being able to let all the floodgates open, it is just so satisfying. You no longer have to be an atlas, finally able to put down the weight of the world. Being able to release all the negative energy and take a breath of fresh air.  There is something about the beautiful essence of the silent tears rolling down your face, crying in solitude. It’s a time of reflection. A time to look back at what made you cry in the first place and see if it was worth the tears. And sometimes it’s just a cry, with no rhyme or reason. 

I love the feeling of being able to listen to music, or the rain and cry. The deep breaths, the salty tears, and closed eyes are something so mundane but yet so beautiful. The streaks on your face show that you’ve worked through something, and the red eyes show that you were able to see through the thing at hand and put it into perspective. The final tremble in your voice and body shows that you are finally at peace. The selfies in your camera roll show that you made light of something that just seemed so detrimental. 

The final wipe is a triumph. You made it through the journey. You are ready to go on with your day, you might cry again later, but for now, you are okay. The cry was beautiful, you let down your shield for a little bit, and now you have to put your armor back up and brave the day. 

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pc: me

Poetry Pt. 3

graceovsLeave a comment

another batch of poems:

unitled iv

it’s time i stop waiting on you

just think how many dandelion wishes

i’ve wasted on you

womanhood

i thought ‘womanhood’ meant

blood spilling between my thighs,

lipstick the same shade of crimson,

boyfriends and sparkling champagne.

but now,

i hurry home before it gets too dark,

i clutch keys between my knuckles.

[remember to use the public restroom in a pair, 

just in case, just in case.]

now,

i report accounts daily for unwanted dick pics,

i bite my tongue as a catcaller whistles,

daring the older man across the street

to look me in the eyes.

now,

i find imperfection in every inch of my skin,

i am told it is my stomach is a distraction, 

because, “boys will be boys”.

now,

it means

glancing over one shoulder and

eating disorders and

snide comments,

pervy math substitutes,

catcalls and 

cramps and-

on my 13th birthday,

my mother bought me pepper spray.

this is womanhood.

dravin

elephantlover2035Leave a comment

Everyone has that one person who propels you forward, who supports you when times get tough and it seems like you are drowning. To me, that person is Dravin. She has been my life preserve, my oxygen mask. I do not think she knows how much she has changed my life, how much she means to me.

Dravin helped me when no one did. She helped that young 10-year-old who thought life was not worth it and made it her mission to make sure it was. She helped that twelve-year-old girl who almost let the bullies win. She helped that fourteen-year-old who moved away because she knew it was best for herself. She helped that sixteen-year-old try and gather the pieces of a broken relationship. She helped that almost eighteen-year-old with her first breakup and told her that life will go on even if it does not feel like it right now.

From the beginning, she was the most understanding soul. She would give me paint and crayons and tell me to “create masterpieces for me,” so that my mind was at ease. She knew how hard it was for me to express my feelings, so she distracted me. She created this safe space for me. A place where I could speak freely without any judgment. A place where I could have a shoulder to cry on. Even when she was with her family, she would take my calls and help me with my breathing.

Dravin saved me. I owe my life to her, but I know that she would just say that she is doing her job.

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pc: me

comfort

rainbowsparklecupcakeLeave a comment

Today it was 86 degrees. This weather is so gorgeous it makes me sick. When I wake up and the sun is shining through my window, I want nothing more than to let my bed swallow me whole until nine pm the same day. I think that it’s so ironic how such a beautiful day could make me want to hide in my room for so long. When I sit in class and look out the window as the heat ripples across the ground, I want to cry and bang my head against the desk. I. Hate. It. I like to put in my left airpod and listen to the same playlist over and over again all day. It mainly consists of Dream, Ivory, Oscar Lang, Deftones, The Walters, and Cocteau Twins. If you were to look it up, it sounds like the feeling of taking a bath at three in the morning in the dark, because that is my comfort. I love to be alone. But not in a sad, I’m so depressed because my life is just the hardest thing in the world kind of way. I like it because it reminds me that every day is the same, and I hate that feeling but in a weird way I love to feel the things that I hate. I love routines. I love when it’s cold outside but I’m wearing two shirts and a hoodie. When you wake up and the sky is grey, you can’t see 50 feet in front of you because of the haze. I love to walk alone at school and wait for the day to end. It’s the same feeling every day that I crave. I love to hate being sad.

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pc: me

Why I Personally Enjoy Anime

bartholomulethegreatLeave a comment

For many people anime is one of the genres of tv that they enjoy watching on a regular basis. For me, it’s the same, but I specifically like anime for the amount of variation of shows that are available to watch. For example, you could want to watch a sporty kind of show and throw on some Haikyu, an anime about volleyball and the main character’s struggles with succeeding. But if you aren’t feeling that and you want something more fantasy or like magic you could put on something like Konosuba or The Worlds Finest Assasin. These two take place in a world where the main character is reborn and has a goal to achieve that was set by a goddess at the beginning of the show. But hey maybe you prefer more romantic-type stuff and want to watch a heartwarming love story. If so then Toradora, A Silent Voice, or Words Bubble Up Like Soda Pop are your thing, all are different takes on ways that love can come to be. For example, A Silent Voice is about a deaf girl that is bullied, and eventually, her bully falls in love with her when she gets older. Well if that’s not your vibe right now and you want to watch a dystopian future show then Sabuki Bisco or A Certain Magical Index are my two top picks. Sabuki Bisco is set in a world where a disease called Rust is running rampant with no cure. There is a group of people that use chemicals to grow mushrooms that can cure the rust but people think that they are terrorists because the mushrooms destroy stuff. Finally, if you are in the mood for blood and gore or horror then High Rise Invasion, Corpse Party, and The Future Diary are my picks for you. High Rise Invasion is about a world that was created to decide the next god amongst the people put in the world. There are people with masks that attempt to drive the people without masks to suicide by jumping off the highrises. All of these are examples of why I like anime, and that is the freedom to watch what I want when I want to and for there to always be something that will fit the genre I feel like watching.

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