Tag: Leaving

when I leave

urmom8beanLeave a comment

I know I’ve been writing alot about the end but it has been clouding my mind lately, and I need to do these anyway. So here I go.

I’m not ready and I never will be. Why does it all have to end? I hate how I didn’t enjoy my younger years more. I wish I would have. I don’t even remember the last time I went trick or treating, what was I even dressed as? These things are stuck in my head as I feel like I’m wasting time. Why do I have to be in school when I could be out in the world living.

Living. Why?

Why does it end? Why can’t I do what I want for the years I am here? Considering we only live once, why am I wasting it here? I should be across the world singing my heart out on a stage. I should be performing every single hour. Why do I want more? These questions will most likely never be answered or changed.

What am I going to do?

I’m scared.

I think we all are even if we can easily mask it. There’s always going to be that pit in my stomach whenever I think of the end. What happens? I don’t want to leave. I will miss my friends too much. What do they even really think of me? When I’m not near and they talk about me what do they say? What are they thinking about saying while reading this? I guess I shouldn’t waste time thinking about it but I can’t help myself. I mean they are my friends, right?

I’m going to miss everyone.

I don’t know why I’m scared. I mean I do, but why aren’t others? How do they live without the fear of leaving? Can they teach me? I guess not but I really do hope I move past this. Every time it happens, I just want it to end. I’ve been here before every feeling every word. Have I imagined it all? You’ll never know how freedom will feel if you never try to forget your past.

I just want to live and maybe I will, one day.

PC: https://tonedeaf.thebrag.com/hugest-stadium-gigs-of-all-time/list/guns-n-roses-at-calder-park-93/

Limited Time

smalltownhumanbeingLeave a comment

Now that spring has begun and the air is faintly smelling of orange blossom filling the valley air in the brisk mornings, I can tell my time here is coming to an end. The morning and afternoons driving up and down the weaving road into the campus atop the hill. There are so many fond memories that will last more than a life time.

But now I am counting the weeks left in this beautiful place that I have spent the last four years of my life. In one way, this place is kind of all I have ever known, but it has made me want to branch out and go explore. I have learned so much academically, but also as a person.

I’ve learned what to expect from people and how to protect myself and control emotions, I’ve learned how to make true life long connections with people but most importantly I began to learn who I am.

All of these small simple lessons have been learned simply from waking up and going to school every morning and giving it all I could every day.

So now I have realized I have limited time left, and that is in fact scary, but it is leading me to a new adventure.

Photo credit : Ojai Valley School

mind matter @ midnight

mariethearistocat1 Comment

one more week… how insane.

i’m in such a state of limbo,

i don’t know if i’m going to be longing to come back soon.

next year, this school won’t be my place anymore.

my room will be somebody else’s moldy problem.

my friends will be all around the world,

too far away.

i hope this summer is an easy one.

i need a good transition from high school to college.

i want to write and travel and make new friends and read a shit ton of books.

 he time that’s been romanticized in books and movies is here and it’s zipping by! 

oh, what a world i live in.

Snowflake.

eternity1030Leave a comment


On the silent street
your shadow is fading away
into a piece of snowflake

I lean back on the corner
writing your name on the snow
thinking of the new-grown grass and watching our memories flow

You would never know
how sorrow and empty I feel
like a snowflake spinning, dancing
and finally dissolving into the snow

The Old Times.

Yourcupatea2 Comments

Love
I miss the old times, I miss my friends and most importantly I miss the life I used to lead. Don’t get me wrong. After reluctantly immigrating to the United States I have become a better person. But I still can’t fight the yearning feeling that greets me everyday to return home.

At first I refused to move to the U.S but after realizing the only option was to live with my restrictive grandparents I decided to move to California on a trial basis. I wanted my friends, I wanted my family but I also wanted a life.

“Do you know your making my life hell, why do you want to ruin everything?” These were accusations I threw at my parents on a daily basis after they told me I had to join them in the move. Believing I needed parental figures and boundaries they refused to leave me thinking that I would “spiral out of control,” consequently getting no where with my life. The concept was unbearable to me, why did everything have to change?

Repeatedly my parents would say “we’re doing what we think is best for you” but to me that was no consolation. I was leaving school, I could now decide what college I wanted to go to, and what subjects I wanted to do,  yet there was one thing I couldn’t change. Moving to America.

I can’t even begin to describe my last summer with my friends. Our time spent together was some of the best moments in my life and will always be ingrained in my memory.

Listening to the radio this morning I heard Two Door Cinema “What you know” an anthem me and my best friend shared.  I couldn’t help but wonder where I’d be now if I had stayed and who I’d be.