monday night’s epiphany

hello, currently it’s 10:22 PM on a monday night and, for some reason, a tear drop is running down my left cheek.

it’s so insane to me that once you enter relationship with someone, everything you do, whether they see it or not, belongs to them… and everything the other person does, whether you see it or not, belongs to you.

belongs may be the wrong word and likely is, but, like i said, it’s 10:22 PM. The same single tear is running down my face for no reason and i have a migraine, so, to say the least, i’m feeling frazzled. but, i know if i don’t write this now, i never will.

this isn’t my finest writing, not in the least, but… when you date someone, it seems to me that they could be right in front of your eyes playing soccer while you watch from the sidelines, they could be giving money to a homeless person you only know about because of their friend that told you about it, or they could be doing something small, but wonderful you’ll never know about like maybe just helping their family cook dinner. all of what they do you can say is yours. they belong to you, they belong to you.

photo credit: pinterest

that person is yours in all their beauty. this is what i mean when i say i think every single person is beautiful… because it doesn’t matter the gender, the color of their fucking skin, or how many pimples they have. what matters is how they act, not only when they’re with you, but when they’re by themselves and what they do for others.

i don’t think i’ll ever be worthy of someone fully, because that incapsulates what they do when they’re alone and i think that’s a whole lot of beauty, almost too much. i will never be able to reciprocate, nor will i be ever deserving of such a thing… because to be deserving of all that is a lot of responsibility.

and oh, oh i wish i was. how i wish i could belong to someone else fully and they could belong to me and i could not be so utterly fascinated by the fact that they just merely exist and i wish maybe i didn’t have to self-sabotage myself because i feel so utterly underserving.

this isn’t meant to be self-depreciation, no, not in the least. this is just me expressing how i don’t think i’m worthy for being in being in relation with another living human being, because, even the fact that they’re a living human being is much too incredible.

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Suffocated

I knew you before, but we had never talked. I knew of you.

It was just recently that I met you. When you looked at me, I blushed. I felt something I couldn’t describe.

You had my number from a while back and you texted me that night… You told me how we had this connection that was rare and beautiful.

You said that you wanted to get to know me better. I said I wanted to too.

I had heard bad things about you, but I didn’t believe it. And in the end, it wasn’t you who was at fault, it was me.

You made me feel special, loved, happy.

We talked for hours. I told you my insecurities, you told me your secrets too.

But, apparently, I scared you off.

I remember saying “I’m scared that if you get to know me, you won’t like me anymore.”

You promised that would never happen, that I could never scare you away.

Well, you lied. In less than a day, you got distant. I got scared; I reached out.

You went from saying things that made me feel adored, to saying nothing at all.

I couldn’t stand it, I knew I should have let you be, but I couldn’t.

“Do you still like me?” I asked.

“Yes, but your feelings are kind of suffocating right now,” he replied.

“I’m sorry, I’ll leave you alone.”

“Thank you,” you said.

Suffocating…

You had told me you wanted something that would last, you told me to be clingy, you told me you wanted to be with me for a long time,

Yet in two days of talking, you call me suffocating.

How can you say you still like me but you want me to leave you alone?

How can you have said that I was the perfect girl for you, then turn me away the next day?

I’m suffocating…

It’s hard to breathe the absence of love. It’s not that I loved you, I guess I just loved the thought of you. I thought you were perfect.

“Love’s like oxygen. You get too much you get to high, not enough and you’re going to die.”

You built me up, maybe it was part of your manipulating trick. You built me up so much, made me feel so special, then stripped it all away.

We’ve only known each other for three days, it’s almost impressive how you manage to hurt me this bad.

I can’t breathe, I feel empty.

Like a void, a wound, a puncture in my chest.

I’m gasping for air, yet I’m still suffocating.

Photo Credit: pinterest.com

They warned me about you, told me how your kindness was just a way of manipulating me into getting what you wanted.

But the sad part is, I went a long with it, I feel so hard for you that I would have given you what you wanted.

I’ve cried, I’ve stayed in bed for almost a day… all of this for you. My spirit builds up so high when I get a notification on my phone. Maybe it’s you. It never is.

You broke me.

And yet you say you’re the one suffocating.

But at the root of it all, it’s not you at fault.

You gave me a chance; I blew it.

I came on too strong maybe? I tried to talk to you too much maybe?

I’m sorry I made you feel suffocated.

If only I could have been better. If only I could be better.

Maybe then someone will love me.

Until then,

I’m just here

suffocating.

Missing Piece

Ever feel like you’ve lost something that you simply can’t ever replace or recover?

Not something really, someone. Losing someone that close that knew so much and wanted a better human being instead of a monster.

One who rather be feared and respected than loved. What kind of animal is this? This maniac never evolved fully. A heart and soul were left undeveloped from the vessel that wreaks havoc on all those who care. Pushing away, more interested in achieving his desired power than achieving relationships with those that wanted to be there.

Denial was never the answer for him. Hiding in the shadows, he tried to hide himself from everyone because he couldn’t stand causing the hurt anymore. The pain he forced upon himself and the world around him was unorthodox. Everything and everyone that he thought he loved was all a lie. He wasn’t capable of love or allowing people to love him. He wanted to learn, but didn’t know how. His power was declining.

Is there more than just raw power? Is there emotion in this cold life he lives? Is there any way to achieve happiness?

What an outrageous concept. He so greatly craves love. But he can’t feel it. He had it.

But she was always his missing piece. She never saw what he did. She was incredible to him and he loved her. But when the missing piece fell to the floor, she dragged his heart with her, never allowing love again.

As much as he wants to hate her, he can’t. He still loves his missing piece.

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Your Feet

Your Feet

“When I cannot look at your face
I look at your feet.

Your feet of arched bone,
your hard little feet.

…But I love your feet
only because they walked
upon the earth and upon
the wind and upon the waters,
until they found me.”

Pablo Neruda

I love this poem because it can describe anybody that is special to you. Friend, family, boyfriend, or girlfriend.

My mother has always told me that your feet are the doorways to your well-being. If it is flu season, and your feet are bare, you are welcoming the sickness into your body.

I’ve always wondered why she said that. I mean, I could understand why she would advise me to take good care of my hands or perhaps my head, but my feet?
I figured that it was because we use them everyday to walk, to sprint, to skip, to tiptoe, to dance, to keep a rhythm. And since we use them so often, it is crucial that we take care of them.

But this poem took my perspective to another level. Your feet carries you from place to place.
It is not how often you use them or how you use them that make them so special but where they bring you and who you will meet.
That is why my mother stresses me to take care of my feet.

My feet have brought me so far these past 18 years. They brought me up and down mountains and through my life’s pinnacles and pitfalls.

It’s quite funny because my feet used to be my biggest source of self-consciousness. I hated them. I hated the way they looked. I especially hated that because of 4 years of soccer and track, I have two black toenails.
But now, I kind of admire them for where they have taken me. It is almost as if I have a strange respect for them.

Now, as I am going to college, it is time to let my feet take me wherever they choose to go. OH and the places I will see! The people I will meet!

Life is remarkable.

shh…promise not to tell!

Woah. Two years.

Sounds like a long time.It is a long time. But I don’t know why, it doesn’t feel like a long time. Time doesn’t exist or really matter when I am with him.

Two years ago, on the 29th of this month, a much younger, braces-clad me was asked out by my current boyfriend. We both have grown so much since that day and learned so much about each other. Tomorrow, 24 hours from today, we will be hitting our 2 year milestone.

This is a big deal; neither one of us have been in a relationship this long and with the impending graduation coming closer each day, I want to make sure that tomorrow will be a special day, a memorable day that he can look back on after he walks the cobblestone stage.

I plan on making him a scavenger hunt. A series of six clues that lead him to me. I will tell him that I can’t see him because I am busy studying for the upcoming AP’s and that I am so sorry that I can’t see him on our anniversary. Then, his friends will make sure he doesn’t eat dinner or leave the vicinity of his room. He will find his first clue which will come with a rice krispies treat that I made in the shape of a letter. After finding all the clues, the rice krispies will reveal my location and he will meet me there to find a dinner made from scratch!

It’s not much, just a few pieces of paper and time spent putting a few ingredients together. But they say that the best way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. If he likes it, then that’ll be the best thing!