You can see them, you can even smell them. The stench of hoagies and cheesesteaks can only mean that a sea of green that screams real friggin loud is coming your way. They are so confident with themselves that they show you how good they are at spelling by doing it constantly and they boo’d the best quarterback in franchise history because he lost Superbowl 39 to the equally unlikeable Pats.

They have a guy in a green body cast at every home game. They once pelted a man dressed as Santa with snowballs during a game in the 80’s and not one person in the crowd dislikes Rocky movies, foul language, or having Michael Vick pet sit. We call this group of degenerates Eagles fans.

Sure I have the fact that I’m a New Yorker and that all of my teams have a rivalry to one extent or another with this town to support my claim but that’s not the main reason why. They’re like flies and mosquitos who drain a players life source and energy to the point where playing for Philly is a nightmare. They are self hating and at the same time self promoting.

You know someones an Eagle fan through one trait, they always spell the word “Eagles.” E-A-G-L-E-S, for goodness sake it’s like a spelling bee for what the 21st century calls “special people.”

However, say what you will about them but the Eagles fans said the funniest thing in the history of television. What happened was this. The Eagles fans were such drunken, psychotic lunatics, that at the old place they played in the 90’s, Veterans Stadium, get this, they had a working judge in the basement. This was around 1993. Here’s what that meant. It meant that if a guy was drunk as hell and being lets just say “a distraction” they would take the guy and give him a trial while he was still drunk.

The first guy they gave this to made big news. They take him downstairs, and the judge starts screaming at him. I’ve seen the video it’s great. He gives him the usual speech (I have actually been through this thanks to Dodger Stadium security going on simultaneous benders whenever an unarmed 16 year old Yankee fan is in town, but back to the story). “You know this is a family place! there are children here! I have a good mind to throw the book at you man! You know what that’s what I’m gonna do, I’m gonna throw the book at you, gonna give you a big fine, I’m going to make an example out of you but, I’m going to give you one chance to say something to redeem yourself, because based on what you say, I’m going to give you a sentence.” Fine, jail time, “What do you have to say in open court.”

This kid man I’ll tell you what if I ever see him in the future I’m buying him drinks all night because he said the FUNNIEST thing you could have said. This drunk Eagles fan looks the guy straight in the eye. Facing jail time, a big fine, and media attention, this kid looks at the judge and says, “Troy Aikman’s a F-g!”

Now this guy knows how to have a good time. On this night, I salute this brave man in the hopes that we maintain hilarity in inebriation. Okay I do not endorse compulsive drinking by any means but this man’s story did make me laugh until my sides split.