I met with my therapist yesterday. We meet every two weeks.
“So, have you been working on what we talked about last time?” she said.
“yes.” I replied
and that’s the truth.
I stood up to the people that use me, I stopped putting myself in danger to help or get approval from others, I stopped lying to my parents, I sleep in my own bed at night… The list goes on of all the negative things I’ve stopped doing.
“That’s great,” she said “How do you feel?”
I didn’t answer that question honestly
“fine,” I said.
but in reality, even though I’ve cut out the people who hurt me or want me for the wrong reasons, I’ve never felt so alone.
People used to come to me on the daily asking for this or that or let’s do this, or take me to that.
I don’t miss being treated like a chauffeur, or an object, or just being asked to hang out when someone wants me to do something for them.
But I miss feeling like I actually have people who want to be around me.
It may have been for the wrong reasons, but at least I wasn’t alone.
Now I feel like there’s no one, and that feeling is even worse.
Nostalgia isn’t just a feeling, it’s a crash of emotions that befalls you when it’s the most unexpected. Not just homesickness, but a mix of remembrance and sadness, as you’re only nostalgic when you are not home, stranded, helpless.
Nostalgia may be a current of water. It flows from your head to your stomach, then back to your eyes, uncontrollable, rolling out like a waterfall. Sometimes you don’t realize its existence until your mouth takes a sip of that salty drop.
You’d laugh at your woe and call it odd, but the current will not halt. So I comfort myself. Don’t cry, child, for you don’t have time for it now.
Nostalgia is more than a feeling. I hope whoever has it can return to their loved ones in a short while.
Nevertheless, will you still miss your home, if your lover is stranded as well?
(I’m a Chinese international student in the US. Because of certain policies that were made for the coronavirus, I cannot go back home. I don’t know when I’ll get the chance to meet my family and friends. The uncertainty is a real menace, it’s eating me alive. What if something happens to someone whom I love while I’m overseas? What if at the end of the day I’m left behind as the only one living? The uncertainty is killing me. I hope everything goes well in China, I hope there’ll be an antidote for this madness. I feel really helpless and overwhelmed because there’s literally nothing I could contribute to better the situation, I could only sit and watch the number of infected and deaths go up and wish that my circle of people has nothing to do with it. It’s truly rotten when you are a spectator of your fellow countrymen’s deaths.
I just hope things go well. I’m praying for a change.)
People always try to change in certain ways they want, and despite the people who actually achieve it, most of the people fail to do so.
This trivial factor would eventually categorize us in society. Of course there are other factors that might’ve affected the result, but based on the fact that we started from zero, people who strive tend to prosper, which is common knowledge.
We know this fact so well that there are so many films, speeches, books, and etc.
However, a lot of people fail to do so, because we do not change that easily.
Habits are really hard to change, because a habit is a pattern of our life that we’ve been doing constantly.
Some people have habits that would help them achieve their goals, and some have habits that would distract them from their goals.
In order to start a routine for your goal, you need to be persistent for good amount of time and remove all the factors that would distract you from doing so.
Persistency is crucial for you to change, which is an ability that I did not really acquire. However, I will try my best to do so.