To preface, I am not a football analyst but my takes go crazy.

New York Jets vs. Atlanta Falcons (-3.5) [London, England]

In this weeks toilet bowl, I’d the Jets with the points. The Falcons are the worst team in football. I would summarize the Falcons with this clip:

VC: ItsKurt

Need I say anymore?

Anyways, Zach Wilson is the chosen one and if his receivers can catch his magical mormon passes he can torch the Falcons defense.

Philadelphia Eagles at Carolina Panthers (-3.5)

I thing the Panthers pull off the win with Wilson’s predecessor and MONO survivor Sam Darnold at the helm. Need them to win for my fantasy team too so that may play into it slightly. I just think the Panthers have been more impressive so far this season.

Miami Dolphins at Tampa Bay Buccaneers (-10.5)

This week is not an exception to the “never bet against Brady” rule. Bucs by a million. The team he has created in Tampa will prove to be unstoppable, rolling the Dolphins at home.

PC: NFL Combine

New Orleans Saints (-1.5) at Washington Football Team

Famous Jameis is unstoppable. Finally in his starting role I really want to see him do well. The Saints wins have been against more impressive teams than their losses, and I think they will shake off their losses and turn a corner, starting with a win this week. The WFT has had less impressive wins, irking out wins against poor teams. I’d take the saints with the points.

Tennessee Titans (-4) at Jacksonville Jaguars

I don’t know who to take so Im gonna go Jags with the points. Partially because I’m feeling like a bit of a wimp for not taking more underdogs, partially because the points are the safe bet, and mostly because this video of the Titans mascot lives rent free in my head. Kindly disregard the title.

VC: NFL

Detroit Lions at Minnesota Vikings (-7.5)

Dan Campbell is the biggest football guy in the league right now. For this reason alone Lions NO POINTS. Lions gonna role. Biggest underdog bet right here.

Denver Broncos at Pittsburgh Steelers (-1.5)

Still resent the Steelers for their tik tok dances. For this reason Broncos with the points. Points=Safety here.

VC: NFL

Green Bay Packers (-3.5) at Cincinnati Bengals

Moneybagg Jo takes makes it close. The discount double-check guy will pull off the victory, but the Bengals win on points.

Can you really bet against this man:

New England Patriots (-9) at Houston Texans

McCorkle (Mac) Jones will lead the Patriots to victory in an absolute steamrolling of the lost Texans. It hasn’t been close for them at all this season, things in H-Town haven’t been the same since Deandre Hopkins departure and Deshaun Watson’s massuse scandal. Take the Pats with points, I would take them -20.

Chicago Bears at Las Vegas Raiders (-5.5)

Everyone has the Raiders in this one. Though the Bears pattern of beating lesser opponents and the spread at home and losing to stronger opponents and the spread on the road is in my periphery, I feel like Justin Fields has got something. I think they could keep it close, lose by a field goal or win even. This is my sleeper. Just saying the Bears are a sneaky good pick in this game.

Cleveland Browns (-1) at Los Angeles Chargers

I honestly have no clue at all. No jokes. Just have no idea.

New York Giants at Dallas Cowboys (-7)

I never take the Cowboys, I don’t have a team I just hate the Cowboys. I like the Giants with the points after last week’s win over a strong saints team.

San Francisco 49ers at Arizona Cardinals (-5.5)

Cardinals are hard to bet against, especially because of the QB scenario in the bay. I think the Cardinals well rounded game will be hard for the 49ers to crack, and just don’t think the 49ers are team enough to win this one.

Indianapolis Colts at Baltimore Ravens (-7)

Ravens are a lock in this game. Points and all, Wentz doesn’t have it like that.