Recently I’ve finished a Netflix show called Itaewon Class, I will say it is one of my favorite tv shows. It was so popular in 2020, but I never get a chance to watch it. It’s a k-drama, but it’s not the same as the other k-drama that only talk about love or are so exaggerated. This show talks a lot about the issue in this society, and also relationships, of course. However, I don’t know how the director did this. Every time when I finished an episode, I just wanted to work harder every other day. I told myself that I don’t care how long it takes, I’m still going to study hard and work harder, so I can be happy in the future. I don’t want to expose too many details, but I highly recommend you to watch it. It’s really good!
After this week, I have four weeks left. I don’t know how to describe my feelings, but it all just happened too fast. Because of the pandemic, I didn’t even feel like I’m a high schooler and I’m about to go to college. For half of my high school, I’ve been staying in my house and doing homework. During the other part of my high school life, I was still busy studying and getting ready for college. I wake up, study, gym, and sleep every single day. My high school year has been very different from my expectations. I thought those things that happen in high school movies are the things that are going to happen to me, but I guess it’s just a movie, right? Time flies by way too fast. It’s really hard for me to take it slow and enjoy the moment. Even the bad times I’ve been through are going so fast.
As I grew up get to understand this world and this society, I noticed that not all villains are bad people. Of course, it’s a movie, but If you have watched the Joker, you will notice that he is not a bad person; he is just like a normal person like me and you. He shows how broken this society is and that forces him to shoot the TV host to show the world that a person was being left in the city and even not getting treated like a human being. I also watch the Fantastic Beast, the villain asks those people to join his army, it sounds like they all just wanted to create chaos, and they are just bad guys. However, there is a part where the villain explains how broken this world is and he just wanted to change the world by gathering all the people who were being left in the corner of the earth. Most of them don’t want to become a villain on purpose, they just want those people to feel safe and warm, let them feel there are a lot of people going through the same thing as they did. This got me thinking so much and you will realize what is justice? Is there justice anymore? Also, this world is very chaotic. What do you think?
If you have read my blog before, I mentioned wanting to become a YouTuber. A couple of days ago I posted my first vlog on YouTube. I know most Youtubers’ first videos won’t be popular that fast, however, posting the first video is a big step for me to keep going. I’m doing Youtube because I love editing videos, and I want to share my talents with everyone. I learned videography by myself from the internet, and also learn to edit videos by myself. I had made more than ten videos already for myself and my school. I’m still constantly improving my skills in editing and filming. Since posting my first video, my family and friends have been encouraging me to make more and that keeps me motivated to keep doing what I love. I felt stressed about being a first-time Youtuber. Without anyone’s help, I have to spend so much time getting the video done as soon as possible. For example, my first video is about my spring break, and I didn’t want to wait until summer to post it and still talk about spring break.
Meanwhile, the whole process takes a while. I already spend so much time editing, and I still need to spend extra time doing subtitles. Picking a song is also really stressful. I need to go to Youtube studio to search for songs that don’t have any copyright problems, and the music has to fit with the video, which really challenges me.
All in all, my Youtube account is Carlton Hsu, if you are interested please give some support. By the way, my first vlog on Youtube is all in Chinese, I know, I’m working on the English subtitles now. Below is my first Youtube vlog, I hope you understand and I hope you enjoy it.
Every day when I woke up I look at those quotes and tell myself that I will get stronger and better than yesterday. I must keep going because I almost achieved my dream. If you are lost, and the quotes below that motivate you; I recommend you to write them down, and look at them every day. Tell yourself you are not weak or stupid. You are good enough, but enough is not enough; become someone you wanted to be.
- I know you’re tired, I know you’ve been hurt, I know you’re alone, but You’re making it, keep working on yourself.
2. Aye it’s all good bro. You just forgot who you were for a second. No worries. Welcome back, focus up and stay locked in. We got dreams to achieve.
3. Your next chapter is going to cause people to wish they treated you better.
4. Thanks for taking that extra rest day bro, I thought you were catching up for a second.
5. It doesn’t get easier bro. Growth is painful, but nothing is as painful as staying in the same place
6. Maybe right now your journey isn’t about love, maybe right now your journey is about you.
7. I know you’re tired but get up. We got people to prove wrong.
Recently, all I can say for this week is stress. Although I got into the college I want, there is still a lot of stuff bothers me. In this case, I started to ghosting my friends and just wanted to be alone. Every day, I can hear people laughing and smiling. I started to wonder, are they faking it? or are they really happy? I began to hate a feelings of me staying in my room getting sad, at the same time, I hear people outside screaming and busy having fun.
I’ve been alone for a while, staying away from my friends. I have found my favorite time of each day is when I go to the gym. Of course, I felt more lonely at first, then I began to get used to it. Gym is the only place I feel like home right now. It’s the only place I’m really by myself, be myself, and just put all of my stress on the weights. When I’m in my dorms, my roomate always being loud and his friends come to our room all the time. When I’m at the gym, there is only me, and I can put on my airpods listen to music , and really focus on myself. At the same time, the break time between every set, gives me more thoughts of things that bothers me; which I started to feel a lot better beacuse I can deep into those problems. I don’t know why, but there is some magic in those dumbells.
Baby tell me what you want
I can take you all over the world
Up through the sky (yeah)
Baby tell me what you need
I can give you everything
You know what you meant to me
be love or just a fantasy
Girl, you stay shining like diamonds in the dark
it’s only be our memories
Girl, just give me a chance to shine with you
I – can’t – wait – any – more
Tell me – what’s on your mind
And – you’re – talking – to – him – now
I can’t stand
you – stop – looking – at me now
Now – your – kissing – him now
I’m losing my mind
When I look back this year, I think it’ll worth all my tears
I work 24/7 just buy you gucci prada bag
You said you have the same one, then you tell me what you want
Then I guess I am not the one who will treat you good enough then
I have two other brothers, and they always did everything better than me; which I always feel so much pressure doing something with them. I always doubt my ability to do anything, like anything. I began the thought of I just can’t do it right. This year, I become a senior, ready for college. You have no idea how much pressure I have on myself. I don’t want to give up and go to random college, meantime, I still keep believing that there is a 1 percent possibility I can make something beautiful. A couple of weeks ago, Penn State needs a requirement of 120 scores for the English Language Proficiency. I spent my own money and took it almost twenty times, my highest score is 115 still couldn’t reach 120. Penn State can be an easy school that most everyone can get into. However, I’m still stuck in that dumb English test and couldn’t think of any way to improve it. Recently, most of the decisions came out, I got rejected by UIUC and LMU. I am not surprised at all because I know those types of good schools won’t accept me. Until this Tuesday, I got an email from Syracuse University. I just want to say, I think I’m dreaming right now. I got accepted! At that time, I told myself that I’m not that bad, not bad. Meanwhile, I’m so thankful that my brother and friends are there always supporting me. I just can’t believe it, really can’t. I can say I am really proud of myself, and I should love myself more.
Doesn’t matter if I’m in a relationship or not, sometimes when I went back to my room and lay down on my bed; I just felt so lonely. Have you ever felt that way? Did you ever feel that you have no one to rely on but yourself? Yourself is the only person who knows what you have been through, and knows what’s your feelings and emotions were in the worst situation. Every time I talk about my feelings with someone, they always say they understand what it feels like. However, that is not true, no one has been through something terrible like you do. They’re not you, they don’t know what your pains feel like. Everyone is busy with their own problem, which doesn’t have time to help you. At this point, you realize you are the only person left holding yourself up and keep walking every single day. I always told myself that it was just progress of becoming a stronger me, but it’s really lonely. Even I found the joy of being on myself, loneliness is still bothering me sometimes.
I have discussed this with my friends and feel confident to be on the baseball team. However, after two weeks of practice, my baseball career ends right away. I didn’t practice a lot because I was on a camping trip and then the winter break happened, so I’ve been sitting on the bench for the first couple of games. I started to think about if I should switch my sport to weight lifting instead of sitting on the bench while not practicing for baseball. The game is happening almost every day. I decided to quit baseball because, during the last game, the coach came to me and said: “You will be the pitcher for the next game.” It sounds pretty good, right? The coach is so nice that he is thinking of giving me a chance to play, but do you know it’s impossible for me to be the pitcher. I, as a beginner, can’t even throw a baseball that far or fast and couldn’t catch every ball they throw. Then how do I become a pitcher? Plus, there are only a few practices I will be able to hit and throw. With this short amount of time, it was just impossible for me to be the pitcher. It is kind of him that he gave me hope to push myself more, so I might play in the future. I pretty much enjoy playing baseball and I love it, but I just don’t want to spend the rest of the time sitting on the bench.