Of course it had to be raining when they told me. It’s called pathetic fallacy.
I felt like I wanted to cry or wretch or go to sleep for a long time.
I suppose I could sit around and be angry for a while, but, at this point, I’ve resolved just to move on. This is much more of a quiet kind of feeling.
I have to be okay with things just being how they are.
But it was never a matter of being over her or having enough time, was it? It was always just a matter of me and you that would never exist.
I always talk about how seasons change and how that’s the way it is supposed to be, but I never thought it would be so drastic.
Image via Pinterest.com
Summer is almost here, but, though it may be peaceful, it will still be hot, so I’ll have to stay busy. And while I’d love to have citrus all year, I know that pixie season has come and gone.
Maybe next year, after the rains come and when the sun starts shining again, they will bloom once more and I will be okay.
i saw a picture from where i used to live and i couldn’t help but think, don’t get me wrong i am so grateful to be where i am and to have met the people i have, but i can’t help but think what it would be like if my mom never got re-married.
what if i still lived half with my dad and half with my mom? if i never came here at all?
i’ve never thought about the house since we moved out, but now that i am, i miss it.
i miss the holes in the walls separating the living room and the hallway where the old buddha statue sat on the ground.
i miss the CD player in my sister’s room and i miss when she would make me dance in front of her cool high-school friends.
i miss when my siblings would get along and when my grandma would still cook for us during the holidays.
i miss the little cabinet in the hallway across from my dad’s room that held all my shitty clothes he would find for me.
i miss the trampoline and my brothers old drum set that was in the garage.
i miss when my dad would take me to blockbuster, when he would let me ride my sisters’ electric scooters, and when we would sneak into the elementary school down the street to play handball.
i even miss the pasta he would make every single night, the scratchy popcorn ceiling, and being forced to sit on the floor in the living room and watch avatar with my dad.
i miss my family, i miss my old neighbors.
i miss my family, my sisters, my brother, my dad, my grandma and her boyfriend (rest in paradise by the way, marvin). like i said, feeling a little extra-reminiscent tonight.
i miss being young. shit! one day soon, i’m going to miss being the age i am now.
I used to think it was all behind me. I truly thought that, but something recently has been telling me that maybe it’s not.
I’m no longer skinny. I’m no longer underweight. I don’t weigh eighty-something pounds anymore. My heart isn’t in critical condition like it was. I no longer refuse to eat. I no longer have an eating disorder. The physical parts are gone, but some of the mental parts have stayed. No, I no longer cry before every meal, have multiple panic attacks daily, or slit my wrists. I no longer do any of those things, but sometimes I feel like I’m trapped in the days that I did.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m so much better than I was. So, so, so much better than I was. I guess what I’m trying to say is: yes I’m better, but no, I’m not perfect.
I’ve been stressed studying for finals lately, so I decided that skipping lunch would give me more time to study. There’s nothing wrong with this; its normal to skip meals time to time. What made me know something was up came later. I wasn’t skipping meals to lose weight or get skinner, it was for another reason.When I would skip lunch, my stomach would begin to gnaw and churn after a while. I like the feeling because it tells me that nothing is in my stomach, that my stomach is empty… I like it because the feeling of hunger distracts me from the emptiness I feel almost every single day.
Certain things give me flashbacks of what I went through, almost like PTSD in a way. For example, when my father buys a certain brand of sliced turkey. One day, my father had gone to the store. I asked him to buy a specific type of turkey, the turkey with 50 calories per two ounces. When he came back, he had bought a type which had 52 calories. I began to cry, my frail and bony body collapsed and my mother lunged to the floor where I lay, just as scared as I was, and tried to get me up. I wouldn’t move. I just stayed there. I just stayed on the floor sobbing and mumbling the words “I don’t want to live anymore” over and over again. My mom held her thirteen-year-old and dying daughter in her hands. She picked me up carefully and carried me to my bed, where she laid with me and we cried in unison… all of this over turkey. Now, whenever I see this brand of turkey in the fridge, its like that day fills my mind, takes over me, and haunts me. It’s different though, I’m not the girl on the floor anymore. I am a ghost watching in the corner, unable to do anything as I watch my mom and I suffer. As much as I try to reach out to myself and say “i’s okay, it’s going to be okay,” I can’t. As much as I try to get the memory to stop looping in my mind, it continues to replay and replay with more and more detail every loop. Just like the turkey, there are many more symbols equated with awful memories from my eating disorder. Natural Cafe,the white tank top on the bottom of my dresser,Pressed Juicery, my birthday, King’s Hawaiian Rolls, string cheese, buzz-cuts, and safety pins are just some of the items tied with memories even worse than the one above. Memories that I try to keep locked away for a reason.
I like to pretend like it’s behind me, but deep down I know it’s not. I honestly don’t think it will ever be. I’m not saying that I am in danger in any way shape or form if going back to how I used to be. All I am saying is (in honor of mental health awareness month) it’s okay to not be 100% okay.
it was flying above the grass at the park, i was having a picnic.
it was pretty and it was green .
not grass green, but lime green.
then, i remembered that green was the color of your room before you redecorated it last summer
and then i saw your room and what it used to look like before you thought your drawings were stupid and before you decided you liked purple more.
from there, i saw you and how you looked last week and then how you made me laugh really hard the other night.
then, i thought if we will ever go anywhere.
and then i think about other people who might be more exciting than you, but how you’re nice too.
i think about my friend’s friend and how maybe he’s fun to talk to.
then, i get going on conversations.
i remember that i want to meet an aquarius, because i heard that they are really compatible with gemini’s and
what i really think i need right now is someone i’m compatible with.
no more of this taurus-virgo bullshit!
but, she’s a taurus and he’s a capricorn.
i think that maybe they’ll be the exception, but, in the back of my mind, i know neither of them will be because taurus are too routine, stubborn, and clingy for me and capricorn-
well, i don’t know much about capricorn, but i looked up our compatibility and it’s not good.
and that will be stuck in the back of my head for just about ever.
now, i completely forget about you and him and her and conversations and zodiac signs, (particularly taurus, virgos, and capricorns) and then i think about the lyrics to the sing deceptecon by le tigre and then i think about the whole riot grrrl movement
and how i wish i was apart of it and how i wonder if it’s still alive today in any form and how if it is then those people involved are people i wanna know.
i think about how i need to make a new playlist and
about how cluttered my playlists are along with my mind and then i get overwhelmed because i get overwhelmed easily.
how maybe if i make a new playlist with music other than rap i’ll feel better and life will make much more sense then.
and then i snap back into it because the lady giving me a massage hits my back harder than expected and tells me she’s finished with the massage and my neck still hurts, oh, and i was never looking at a butterfly at all.
When I look in the mirror, that is all I see. Fat everywhere. I always look down and wonder how I got like this.
Photo Credit: Pinterest.com
Over the summer, I worked out every day and ate well. People could actually see the difference and I was happy.
Now, I sit in my dorm doing nothing but gaining weight. I can’t even look at my prom photos because of all the fat I see on myself.
My friends and boyfriend don’t understand what I mean when I say I am fat. Somehow they don’t see it, but that’s all I see.
I mean, maybe I am the problem. Maybe my brain is messed up and that’s why I see myself the way I do. I have never been able to see myself as anything but fat since fifth grade. But, now, when I look back I know that was never true, so maybe I can only ever see myself as fat no matter what I do.
I wish I could look at myself and just see how I truly am to everyone else around me.
Maybe this summer once I go back to the gym everything will be different, but I don’t know if I will ever really see what I look like when I look in the mirror.
I’m in a really good mood right now, but there are honestly so many things that makes life feel so much better. So, here’s a few things that never fail to make me happy.
The tiredness after being at the beach in the sun all day
Driving down PCH with the windows down during sunset
The lights turning off at a concert and knowing the show’s about to begin
When the singer stops singing and everyone in the crowd continues belting the lyrics on the top of their lungs
Listening to ocean waves before falling asleep
Having the air conditioning on while sleeping, but being wrapped up in warm blankets
My horse coming up to me
Hugging my favorite celebrities
Having dance parties alone in my room
Waking up and having a good hair day
Wearing a cute outfit and feeling confident in it
Good conversations with friends at dinner
Waking up early and having energy to take on the day
Sitting outside when it’s hot, but a perfect breeze keeps you cool
Hot chocolate after snowboarding all day
Being spontaneous
Being carefree
Blasting 2000’s throwbacks and singing along to them while driving
Reuniting with friends I haven’t seen in a while
Dancing
Singing with my friends without caring about what my voice sounds like
Having motivation to clean my room
Being told my writing is good
Swimming in the ocean for hours
Running
Hanging out at the fair in the summer
Finding out I did better on a test than I thought I would
Jumping into a freezing pool on a hot day
Listening to a song for the first time in years and still knowing all the lyrics
Mastering a verse in a rap song
Wearing oversized sweatshirts
Going to the movies while it’s raining outside
Getting invested in a new book and forgetting about everything else around me while reading it
Being around a camp fire
Opening gifts
Giving a good gift
Having a breakthrough while horseback riding
Writing freely without writer’s block getting in the way
Talking with my friends on the phone for hours, and though I rarely see them in person anymore, still having our friendship be stronger than ever
Loving life for the way it is and currently not wanting to change anything about it
I love talking. I love that I can talk to people so easily most of the time. But, sometimes, I hate it too, because we all just say the same things over and over and over every time. It gets boring.
Image via Pinterest.com
And I find myself saying over and over that I want to go somewhere far away from here. I want to go everywhere that is not here and stay there for a very long time.
And I find myself saying over and over that I would never love anyone like that.
And I know I love you! But sometimes I also just hate you! I love that you are open and introspective and so sure of yourself, but sometimes I wish you would just shut up!
But, I do like that you write about it all. I didn’t know that before. I think that’s the one thing you do without over-thinking and without trying to so hard to look like you aren’t trying.
I know the saying: “If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it’s yours. If it doesn’t come back, it was never meant to be.” It’s true for some people and perfect for them, but it’s shit. Why should I have to set you free to know that you’re the right one?
Photo Credit: Pinterest.com
I love you and I don’t want to set you free to know that. When I look at you, I don’t doubt anything about us, so why should I let you go?
At the same time, I don’t want to hold you back. I know it’s four years and that’s too long to stay in a long distance relationship, but I want to be selfish and keep you.
There is a big chance that you will come back, but how do I know that is going to happen? Four years is a long time, we both could meet new people or become new people.
Part of me wants to ignore every guy I meet in college to make sure I am single when you move to Tennessee, but what if you meet someone that makes you happier than I ever could?
The other part of me wants to move on and date many guys so I am not the one stuck in the past hopelessly in love with someone who found somebody else, but I know that I won’t be able to do that.
I love you so much and I don’t want to hold you back. I wish that this relationship didn’t hold you back, but I guess if it does I will let you go.
You build me up, take me, and use me then leave me to fall apart. But, the saddest part is that I let you do it time and time again.
Deep down, I think you know that I love you. I think you deny it though, thinking that I don’t love you makes it easier for you.
Easier to text me and tell me you want to spend time with me, then completely shut me out once you’re satisfied.
Sometimes you don’t even go, though. You text me again to bail out and it hurts more than being played, because, at least when you play me, I get to spend time with you. I get to be close to you and I get to feel like you might actually care about me.
You’re not the only guy that does this. I reach out to others to try and forget you. They play me too, but it’s different than what you do. They tell me I’m beautiful, pretend to actually care, send me hearts over text, tell me they love me, then they shut me out.
You just shut me out after you use me, you don’t pretend to genuinely like me. That should make it easier, but it makes its harder.
I see you around school five days a week. Sometimes I feel like I’m invisible to you, sometimes you talk to me and we act as close friends, than somedays I feel like you purposely avoid me. I’m probably overthinking this though, I doubt I matter enough to you for you to even ignore me.
I know this is bad, but its gotten to the point that I’ve been hurt so much that I talk to multiple people at once, so that when one guy bails, there is still another one that I think cares about me.
Every time another guy plays me, it hurts. It hurts a lot. I cry… I cry for hours. Every time I think someone might genuinely like me, but then they tear me apart and cast me out, just like you do.
Every time another guy plays me, it hurts. It hurts a lot, but at least I’m not thinking about you. Thinking about you hurts even more. I know I’ll get over the other guy in a couple weeks or months depending on how much I cared, but I know no matter how many days, weeks months, years, I’ll never get over you.
I’m not an object. I’m not disposable. You cant just throw me away when you’re done. I’m not a piece of paper you can crumple up and throw away when you’re finished.
I hate what you do to me. I hate even more that I let you. And I hate the most that I’m standing here waiting, hoping, yearning for you to text me again.
If anyone was wondering, I made the sun come up faster.
I’m not sure how or why or exactly when it happened, I just know that a few weeks ago I was running in the dark at 6am and now I am running in the light at 6am.
I don’t have the time or energy right now to figure out how to read the stars or alter the path of the sun or anything like that, but if anyone out there has any insight to offer, I would love to hear it.
Looking back on my past thoughts, it’s funny to see how much changes and how much stays the same.
A few months ago, it seems as though I was fascinated by time and weather and all sorts of things. I still am now, of course, but I guess that I just already got it out sort of artistically, so it’s not as much of a pressing issue anymore.
It’s cloudy today and it rained a little bit in the morning. It feels like everything is clean. I still miss the sun, though.
And I think I will always be fascinated by the weather and the sky. I just always will be.
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