What Holds Me Together

High above, amongst the stars,

God checked his watch,

and realized it was time.

Time to make a story,

my story,

mine.

He wove together a string of trinkets,

some rusty,

some silver,

some gold,

and some of precious stones.

Of those trinkets,

there were many places.

Houses and apartments,

studios

and condominiums.

Restaurants, schools, corners and alleys.

There was a bit of Mexico.

Koreatown, too.

Some wormy grass,

and golf courses where the deer roamed at night.

And of course,

tied closely to these homes,

was my mother’s cooking,

my father’s laughter,

my sister’s pranks.

And there were my fears.

My anxieties,

all intertwined with my passions,

my soul,

and whatever else that stirs me and moves me and lifts me..

My friends and enemies,

my lovers and ex-boyfriends.

Teachers, mentors, coaches, neighbors.

Mailmen, taxi drivers, pilots, a Marine.

There was much joy.

But,

there were also tears and hardship,

loneliness and strife.

Yelling and screaming,

punching and throwing.

The threads mangled and fried.

But soon enough,

God, with his knowing hands,

his fingers so gentle,

created a piece.

And those loose threads,

they all straighten out to create

one magnificent picture.

One that is unique.

One that is me.

mine.

Annabel Lee II

I was a child and she was a child,

In this kingdom by the sea,

But we loved with a love that was more than love—

I and my Annabel Lee—

With a love that the wingèd seraphs of Heaven

Coveted her and me.

I open my eyes.

The words fade slowly, dissipating like fog before a cold night wind.

Numbness has set into my bones, preventing me from feeling anything.  I can no longer sense the freezing spray on my skin, the bitter gale’s bite across my face.  The sky has darkened, turning the clouds from ash to slate and the last lines of green have bled from the water, leaving it colorless and violent.

Looking up to a higher hill, I see my destination.  Although I feel nothing, I wrap my coat more tightly around me and tilt my head forward, burying my face in the musty wool of my scarf.

I have spent the last months grieving, so naturally I have not been out for much exercise other than to visit her.  The effort it takes to climb the hill makes my legs burn and my chest tighten.  Only when the pain comes can I feel the cold air press against my throat and restrict my breathing.  Puffs of white rush forth from my lips and swirl away quickly.

Panting I stop beside the sepulchre.  I gaze sightlessly at the words, tracing the ridges of the engraving with stiff fingers.  Naturally I know it by heart.

Annabel Lee Ashford-Dalton

1809-1830

Devoted Daughter

Generous Sister

Loving Wife

I let my fingers drift over the words Annabel Lee, Dalton and loving wife but avoid from touching the others entirely.  My name belies my wealth and status.  Her family has always hated me passionately.  Their aristocratic legacy is far superior to my nondescript background.  The highborn daughter of a noble could not possibly fraternize with the impoverished son of a widow.  And yet my Annabel had loved me.  When I could not give her jewels or silks, carriages or marble fountains, she loved me.

I wager they are more than happy to be rid of me now.

I stare down at the unfeeling black marble.  It is cold, rigid and sharp; things Annabel had never been in life.  Droplets of water cling to it, making the stone appear as if it weeps. The tears remind me so much of our drip castle and I press my fingers to my eyes and sigh.

Memories rush around me.

After building our castle, it was several weeks before I saw Annabel again.  But following our second encounter, we scarcely went a day without seeing each other.  I learned that she was staying with a nanny and her eldest sister in the Ashfords’ summer home.  Her mother was ailing and the rest of her family had sent her away to protect her from sickness.  Apparently she took ill very easily and had an extremely difficult time recovering.

I took to calling her Annalie, just a simple contraction of Annabel Lee.   Her nanny, whose name was Matilda, abhorred the nickname.  Every time she heard me say it, she cringed and gave me a disdainful look.  Matilda would pronounce each syllable, saying, “Ann uh Lee…” then scowl at Annabel and say, “Really miss Ashford, that is far too crude a name for a lady of your station.  I must insist you bid him to refrain from calling you that.”

Of course she never did.  Annabel loved my little name for her.  She said it was friendly and sweeter than Annabel Lee, as every family member used that formal address when speaking to her.

Even though Matilda openly disliked me, not once did she forbid Annabel from seeing me. Her sister, Eleonora, seldom took notice of her youngest sibling and paid no mind to our interactions.

Years went by and our friendship grew, my affections for her waxing all the while.  When I was ten and four, Annabel invited me over to her family’s estate for the first time.  I remember the hot feeling of excitement and the chill of nervousness when I accepted her invitation.

As I said before, I had no love of God, but thankfully I still owned Sunday clothes.  They were a bit small and slightly wrinkled, but presentable and clean nonetheless.

I caught my mother smiling softly to herself as she polished the buttons on my coat and ironed my trousers.  She took great care in fixing up my clothes.

I washed my hair and she combed the curls through, neatly pushing them back against my forehead.  She put her hands on my shoulders and whispered in my ear, “You’re such a handsome boy… You look so like you father… You have his eyes, and his smile.”

Indeed all who knew Caspian Dalton told me I looked exactly like him.  I only inherited one trait from my mother and that was her incredibly tall and slender frame.

Rosaline Dalton was a beautiful woman.  Creamy white skin set fire to her bright red hair.  Corkscrew curls, the color of glossy cherry wood, cascaded down her back in sprightly ringlets.  The faintest spray of freckles dotted the bridge of her nose and under her eyes.

My mother had the loveliest eyes.  They were an unusual color, somewhere between warm cinnamon and melting chocolate.  There were even hints of gold in them.  Sparkling and soft, they always made me feel protective of her.

But since my father’s death, there hung a kind of quiet sadness in their depths.  It did not dampen their light, but it somehow changed it.  Before, they had glittered like orbs of polished amber.  After he died, they were shinier but less glittery; she looked hurt, lost.

My father had loved her more than anything.  Perhaps those jealous angels took him too…

Annabel hurried me though the house.  In fact, we moved so quickly I cannot even recall the color of the carpet or the size of the foyer.  She took me into the garden, only then did she slow and relax.

The garden was enclosed by glass, protecting the inhabitants from weather.  Some plants were thin and tall, others were short and thick.  I was ashamed that I did not know the name of even one specimen.

Annabel gently touched my hand and led me to the center of the garden, to the flowerbeds.  A stone fountain bubbled happily, spurting clear water from a fish’s mouth down into the shallow basin below.  I sighed, relieved.  I did in fact know the names of the beautiful blossoms.

I spied a red rose, velvety and trembling on its long, thorny stem.

Next to it, a tulip rested sleepily, its waxy pink petals looking heavy and healthy.

Six white daisies with soft yellow centers surrounded a vibrant sunflower.

But one flower stood out from the others.  A single star lily grew near the fountain.  Fragile and feminine, it smelled fresh and delicate.  The petals were mostly deep pink, but the outermost edges were white.  A pale green throat barred balls of gold pollen, mounted on slender stalks.

“That one is my favorite,” Annabel whispered.

I turned to look at her.

She was beautiful, standing there in her gossamer mauve dress.  Her hair was longer than when we first met, almost reaching her waist. Deep sea green eyes searched my face, gleaming and her skin looked softer and more radiant than ever.  But one thing held my gaze, mesmerized, enchanted; I could feel my heart hammering in my throat and blood throbbing behind my eyes.

Her lips looked so lush and satiny, untouched, flawless.  I could smell the sweetness of her skin, vanilla and rose water.  My mind wandered for a moment.  I thought it strange she smelled of roses when she loved lilies so much.

She shifted, and the motion brought my focus back.

“Annalie…” I said, not taking my eyes from her lips.

“What is it?” she asked, frozen.

“Have you ever…” I could not bring myself to finish the question.

“No,” she breathed.  Then added almost inaudibly, “But I’d like to.”

I hesitated, taking in the exquisite green of her eyes and the perfection of her face.  I had never touched her hair, though I had always wanted to.  The silky strands seemed to melt as I slid my fingers though them; her hair was even softer than I had ever imagined.

Closing my eyes, I leaned forward and inhaled her scent one last time before my mouth met hers.

I felt hot and dizzy the moment our lips made touched.  Color and shadow spiraled around in my head, taking me to the edge of consciousness and threatening to push me into the abyss.  She surrendered her weight to me and I held her, the unbearable sweetness overwhelming me, permeating my every sense.

She tasted of sugar and honeysuckle with just a hint of exotic spice.  The warmth of her skin set my own on fire.  So there I stood, ablaze, holding a fay in my arms.

STAY TUNED FOR NEXT STORY!

Annabel Lee I

This post is going to be part of a series based on the love story of Edgar Allan Poe‘s poem “Annabel Lee.”

It was many and many a year ago,

In a kingdom by the sea,

That a maiden there lived whom you may know

By the name of Annabel Lee;

And this maiden she lived with no other thought

Than to love and be loved by me.

Than to love and be loved by me…

The words roll around in my mind, marbles on a marble floor.

I stand alone on a grassy hill, watching the gray clouds reflected in greenish water.  A storm is coming.  The ocean churns and froths beneath my empty stare, bubbling up like pus from a great wound.  But all I can think about is my heart, lying in the tomb.  Cold, lonely, lost.

My Annabel is gone.

Sweet Annabel Lee, my first, my only love.

I had never loved God or His angels.  Even as a boy I was ever skeptical of the mercy and kindness others painted Him with.  But I have never hated those divinities more than I do at this very moment.

Those jealous seraphs killed my beloved, and God Almighty allowed it to happen.  I feel myself shaking with rage and grief.

Closing my eyes, I think back to the day I met Annabel.

I had been playing at the beach, frolicking gaily at the shore just beyond the reach of the waves.  The sky was vivid lapis lazuli, the breeze, light and sweet.  I do not remember the water being particularly warm, but it was clean and clear, refreshing.  The dry sand sparkled white and the wet sand was soft gold, silky and fine.  Gulls cried, their voices carried across the beach by the breeze, breaking sharply in my ear.  Waves rolled, the low, melodious hiss of the surf soothed the birds’ shrill shrieks.

I was perhaps one and ten years.  By my mother’s accounts, I was a handsome boy.  She loved to run her fingers though my wavy blond hair and tousle it gently.  My skin was barely three shades lighter than honey, but still fair and unmarked.  However, what people first noticed were my eyes.  Large and uncannily bright, they were the deep blue of a summer ocean.

I had just scooped up a handful of sand when a shadow fell over my head.  Annoyed that this new obstacle was blocking the sun’s warmth, I looked up.

Probably appearing rather ridiculous, I shielded my eyes with one sandy arm and squinted, opening my mouth and cocking my head to the left.  What I saw slackened my jaw and made my arm drop like a stone.

A girl about my age stood in front of me.  The waves tugged at her long, pale pink dress, twisting it around her ankles, bits of white foam caught in the hem.  Long dark hair, locks of chestnut laced with amber, danced around a heart-shaped face.  Her magnolia white skin held the faintest flush across her cheekbones.  Lips, the dewy fresh color of roses, slightly parted, revealed pearly white teeth.  Luminescent eyes started down at me.  The incredible green of gemstones, they reminded me of my mother’s emeralds or the exotic lumps of jade she kept locked in a special velvet box.  Dark, curling lashes ringed the eyes and cast shadows down on her face like the silhouette of delicate black lace.

She knelt before me and sat with a grace I hadn’t thought a girl her age capable of.

“May I join you?” She asked, her voice soft and clear as a crystal bell.

Read More »

Happy Birthday Nan.

My Nan is one of the most loving, generous, compassionate women ever known to mankind. She is a woman who will always put others interests before her own, and will always make the time listen to anyone’s woes and counsel them in her own way.

Although she has all these talents and more it is the way that she treats her family that makes her a shining jewel amongst the rubble of society. The time she invests in each and every one of our work and our personal growth. The time she spends reading her sons poetry proudly or reminiscing over the great dance or musical performances starring her grandchildren. The light that glimmers in my Nans eyes as she proudly speaks about her family’s achievements and the wide smile that spreads over her face as she laughs over their stupidity is a sight that will brighten anyone’s day.

Nan you mean the world to me and that is why I dedicate this blog to you.

You are the one who has taught me to pursue my passions and to follow what I believe in. From the days I first watched Holby City with you and decided to become a paramedic to now as I set out to become a journalist you have always been my driving force. In times of trouble you have helped me out and guided me through big decisions like moving to America. If it wasn’t for that chat you gave me one summer evening in 2010 on how I should give California a go and do it for my family, I can honestly say I would have struggled to leave.

It was so lovely when you visited in April 2011. You were the first to come, out of our family, and this took a lot of bravery. Your presence at Meher Mount meant so much to us and we all look forward to you visiting again in the next few years. I’m glad you had the chance to admire our new life and realize you still have a significant place in both our lives and our hearts.

You find so much joy and happiness in life and nature. You aluminate the light in our world throughout the darkness and make everything special in your own description. I love the way you seek so much pleasure in the changing colors of the leaves and the seasonal changes in your surroundings.

As I start to consider my career path and colleges I bear in mind if it would have your approval. Just as Dad said over Christmas that every house your children move to must be approved by you, I feel that often I find myself seeking your approval on big changes in my life. This is because you’re a great guide who speaks truthfully and reasonably and that is why I am going to do my best to make you proud throughout my life.

Happy 80th Birthday Nan, I am sorry I will not be there to celebrate. All my love.

Bex, Georgie and Nan at the beach

Strange family

So during this winter break, I went home back in Japan. It was so great to see my family and friends and I enjoyed hanging around with them.

Some of the days, I chilled at home getting yelled by my mom for sleeping in. My mom would come into my room and wake me up at 8 in the morning, and I yelled, “Mom, it’s only 8. Let me sleep.” And she would always say, “Everyone is up and done eating breakfast and I don’t want to wait for you to do your dishes. You know what? If you don’t get up now, then you’re going to clean your dishes, wipe the table and do garbage disposal.”

Gosh, chill out. It’s only 8.

Well, my dad wakes up at 3:30 AM and gets ready to golf every single morning. My mom wakes up at 5AM to cook breakfast and get ready for the day. So basically we’re all morning people.

More surprisingly, my dad goes to bed at 7PM so the curfew he sets is 6PM for me. I want to say, Dad I’m 17. Are you kidding me? But I would never say that because he is so strict and frightening when he gets angry. I could never disobey him. Yes, a typical Asian dad.

My mom and my little brother Hosei (it is a Spanish name but we pronounce it “Housei”, which is also a Japanese name) go to bed at 8:30.

At 9PM, my house is dark except for my room. And I get so scared by myself going downstairs because we all sleep upstairs.

Well, this is my family and I know they are little strange.

New Pets!

I absolutely love animals more than anything. I really do. I love wild animals, and of course, I love pets!

Over the years, my family has had cats, birds, bunnies, guinea pigs, and fish. They have all been pretty amazing pets.

But sadly, this past year, 2 of my cats have died, and the one still living has a fist-sized tumor in his liver. My parents took my cat Smokey to the vet, and she told us we will have to put him down within the next week if he survives for that long. I will miss his so much.

When I found out about it, I couldn’t imagine coming home to a house without my cats, or any pets at all for that matter. So, I was VERY happily surprised when my Mom told me she is going to get a puppy and two kittens!!!

I am completely overwhelmed with excitement right now. My family has never had a dog before. Ever. I have always been so jealous of my friends and other families that have dogs – and now I finally get to have one 🙂

My friend decided she would come help me look for a new dog and kittens that I like, so we took at trip to the Milpitas Humane Society yesterday. There were SO many cute dogs and cats.

I am just so glad my family and I get to adopt a cute animal and provide a home for an animal that needs one.

We’re still searching, and on Monday I am SO EXCITED to go to another humane society with my Mom and hopefully pick out a new member of the family.

Threads

For my blog post for this week  I thought that I’d post my favorite poem at the moment.

This poem, by Gabriel Gadfly, is not only beautifully written, but also describes how I feel at this point in life. You can relate it to leaving high school. You can relate it to leaving friends behind. You can relate it to leaving past lovers behind. In my case, I relate it to all of those things.

Threads 

From time to time,
when you have wandered
away from a person,
you wander a little further
and feel the slightest tug
at your ankle.

Looking down, you find
a thread, red or maybe
blue, barely seen,
barely there, tied
gently and trailing
as far back as you
can see and you know,
instinctively, where
it leads.

It brings you to a choice:
to take one more step,
snap the thread and
leave it where it lay,
or return from whence
you came.

Sometimes, the one’s
the best choice;
sometimes, it’s the other.

Is it not wonderful? Maybe I’m just a complete weirdo that likes poetry, but I can’t help but share it. No others words could possibly describe the way that I feel at this point in life. No matter how much I whine about wanting to leave and am counting down the days, I’m incredibly sad to leave.

I can’t imagine not seeing the few people that I care about every day. I don’t want to leave those who are staying behind and I don’t want to watch the other walk away and never look back. It’s a terrible feeling knowing that things are coming to an end, and you can only sit back and watch.

Well as Dr. Seuss said “Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.”

I

Just a Sweet Memory: circa 2001

The basket is full to the brim with the most gorgeous peaches ever. I choose the fattest one and rub my fingers over its fuzzy hide. I feel its weight in my hands as I carry it over to the sink where she’s waiting.

She clasps the paring knife with an unsteady hand and goes to work slowly but surely. You never saw a peach so perfectly peeled. A smooth slice down the middle and I watch as a little river of sticky sweet juice runs down all the way to her elbows. Half for me. Half for her.

We eat standing at the sink in simple silence and just look at each other. Her face round and sweet, lined and creased like a molasses crinkle cookie. Her lips are painted a rosy pink and they curl into a smile as she watches me watching her. I smile back shyly.

“What are you smiling about? Hmm?” she chuckles, “Was your peach yummy?” I nod my head and stand on my tippy toes to get my hands rinsed. She takes my little hands in hers and runs them under the cool water. Her hands are old tree roots, gnarled and knotty; they’re slightly stiff and speckled with sun spots. I wonder about all the things they’ve done. All the hands they’ve shook, all the things they’ve picked up and admired, even all the peaches they’ve sliced. My hands look like plain white paper next to hers. I want hands like that someday, hands with good stories.

She dries her hands with an old green and white gingham towel and takes a step back.

“Let me see you doll,” she says. I stand up a little straighter. “Well gosh;” she says throwing the towel down, “you’re so darn cute I could just eat you all up!” She pulls me to her and covers me in kisses and tickles me until I’m laughing so hard I can hardly breathe.

“I love you grandma,” I say through giggles.

“I sure love you too doll,” she says smiling at me.

If You Don’t Have Anything Nice to Say, Don’t Say Anything At All.

For the first time in a very long time, I was shocked and shaken to the very core. I was ashamed to know that I share the world with such narrow minded people and I was reminded of the ignorance and blind arrogance that plagues and clings to our society like a heavy, dirty rag.

A few days ago, my friend shared a YouTube video with me. It was a video of a blonde girl, Alexandra Wallace, from UCLA, singling out a group of people, stereotyping all Asians. Let me tell you, it was nothing short of disgusting. Click here to watch the video.

In her rant, she complained about the burdens of having Asians in the dorms on the weekend. Their family members come on the weekends to cook for them and she claimed that their parents were not letting them grow independent. Apparently, having parents who care for their children enough to come and cook homemade food for them is a huge nuisance for her. At this point, Alexandra left me thinking “Why does it matter to you?”

It only snowballed from that point.

Rolling her eyes, Alexandra continued to rant about Asians in the library. Apparently while poor Alex was studying her political science, Asians were always on the phone. She raised a mocking hand to her face and opened her flagrant mouth: “OHHH CHING CHONG BING BONG TING TONG.”She heartlessly disclaimed the severity of the earthquake in Japan and proudly mounted herself on a rocky pedestal of fool’s gold when she called herself “the polite, American girl.” She publicly and very ironically announced that Asians needed to learn “American manners.” Sadly, this queen bee, this high and mighty girl who studies political science has forgotten that America, a salad bowl of cultures, was founded on its immigrants. “American manners” is in part Asian manners as well as manners of Hispanics, Africans, Germans, Italians, and more.

What shocked me the most was the her complete dismissal of the disaster that has shocked Japan. In her few short words, she had repudiated the heartbreak and worry that the earthquake brought onto many. My friend, Minako Otake, could not sleep all night when she heard of the news because she was worried for her family at home. She was tense, waiting for the call to hear the comforting voice of her mom and dad telling her that they were okay and to know that they weren’t a part of the thousands that were reported to be injured or dead. My boyfriend’s family lives in Japan. As Alexandra called it, “the tsunami thing” is a very good excuse to answer a phone call in the library.

The motives for her video were racist, debasing, and facile. I am sure that Asian families aren’t the only “hoards” of people that come to visit on the weekends. I am sure that Asians aren’t the only ones in the library that are using their phones and I am sure that she has probably realized the magnitude of her words. In these 2 minutes and 52 seconds, Alexandra Wallace of UCLA proved her sheer ignorance.

I am Korean American and proud of it. I know that when I get into college, wherever that may be, my family will come visit me on the weekends too and bring me food and maybe do my laundry. It is not because I am Asian. It is because I know my family will try to make my first year of college as comfortable as it can be. I know that I will probably be one of the many people from different ethnicities that might use their phones in the library. I know that my language might sound like a harsh din of rushing vowels and clanging consonants to the foreign, prejudiced ear but it is most definitely not something to be mocked or ashamed of.

In a world where people strive to be different and find beauty in the rarity of things, it is remarkable and eye opening when I find someone so narrow minded and audacious as she. To label a group of people because of their roots is wrong. What kind of world would we live in if we were all one generic race, one generic language, and one generic look? Hopefully, Alexandra Wallace (and many others) will come to terms with the many cultures that constitute our diverse home that we call America. Until then, I hope, at the very least, the magnitude of her words and their ramifications has taught her that if she doesn’t have anything nice to say, she shouldn’t say anything at all.

A Relay Lost

Next month, OVS will be participating in the American Cancer Society’s Relay for Life at Buena High School in Ventura. I, for one, am very excited to see our school be so involved in something that could quite possibly change one in five of our lives in the future. I cannot wait to see people of all different worlds join together to fight one of the biggest killers today and have fun while doing it. To top it all off, this will be the first cancer-related cause I have attended, and I’m quite nervous. I’ve always avoided them because I have a problem confronting what has thoroughly turned my life upside down more than once and stolen the one person who, above all, meant the world to me.

My mom was a remarkable woman. Standing at 5’10 with tight curls the color of embers she wasn’t a woman you could easily forget. She fought for what she believed in and would seldom take no for an answer, which only made her all the more admirable to all that met her. We were all shocked when the news finally reached us. My mom had ovarian cancer and had up to two years to live.

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(My mom second from the right)

How could someone so strong let cancer take a hold of her?

For three months her body deteriorated from a combination of chemotherapy and the cancer itself to a frail shell of a woman with only one spot of her once fiery hair barely holding on. A woman who had once stood so tall and who was so outspoken was confined to a wheelchair and an oxygen mask at all times. It was at that time I was taken to go live with my dad after living practically my whole childhood with my mom.

No more than four months after her diagnosis I was called into the hospital to see my mom propped up onto a hospital bed unconscious and on a morphine drip. My heart must had fallen through the floor and my stack through the roof. This was my mother. A once divine and beautiful woman was spending the last few moments of life in a lifeless shell. How could something do this to her?

This disease, this cancer had taken everything from her. It had taken everything from me. A perfectly good woman was drained of everything and left to suffer, and left those around her to suffer. No one meant as much to me as my mom did. She was my only friend and the only person I could talk to, that I can still talk to. For ten years she served as my idol, now seven years later she serves as my inspiration.

Cancer isn’t just a disease that affects one person, it affects everyone around that person. It’s ruthless and merciless and won’t stop at anything once it grabs a strong enough hold of you. If there’s any way to help those who suffer from it, or have been closely affected by someone who suffers from it, it’s to get the word out. Cancer kills. Help others, help yourself.