Dear Dad

Daddy,

Words can’t begin to describe what you mean to me.

I don’t know what it is

about your voice.

maybe because the years

turned it so frail

and shaky.

Your hearty laugh

that one, so contagious

I don’t hear it as much.

But when I do,

words can’t describe how it makes me feel.

Dear Daddy,

Today, you told me

you were proud of me

and I knew you were speaking the truth 

because you are such an honest man.

It made me feel so good

when you told me that you knew

I’d get far

because of my heart and determination (I get it from you, you know).

Daddy,

you know how you tell me 

that the happiest moments 

are with me eating?

You’ve always loved watching me eat…

I’ll never forget that 아빠.

아빠, you are an amazing man.

You are honest and kind,

selfless and hardworking.

You gave up so much for me

You fought for me 

and you rarely ever, ever told a lie

아빠, God truly blessed me

with you 

and someday dad,

I’m going to marry somebody just like you.

You are the greatest man in my life

The only one that looks into my heart & truly understand

The one to see me as I was

You believed in me always

You loved me always, through it all…

I’m so sorry I wasn’t better

but I’ll be my best from now

You taught me so much

But the greatest lesson you’ve ever taught me was

how to love.

Thank you daddy.

Words can’t describe what you mean to me.

You’re the best

and you deserve all you want.

I love you 아빠.

Stay healthy and be always happy. 

What Holds Me Together

High above, amongst the stars,

God checked his watch,

and realized it was time.

Time to make a story,

my story,

mine.

He wove together a string of trinkets,

some rusty,

some silver,

some gold,

and some of precious stones.

Of those trinkets,

there were many places.

Houses and apartments,

studios

and condominiums.

Restaurants, schools, corners and alleys.

There was a bit of Mexico.

Koreatown, too.

Some wormy grass,

and golf courses where the deer roamed at night.

And of course,

tied closely to these homes,

was my mother’s cooking,

my father’s laughter,

my sister’s pranks.

And there were my fears.

My anxieties,

all intertwined with my passions,

my soul,

and whatever else that stirs me and moves me and lifts me..

My friends and enemies,

my lovers and ex-boyfriends.

Teachers, mentors, coaches, neighbors.

Mailmen, taxi drivers, pilots, a Marine.

There was much joy.

But,

there were also tears and hardship,

loneliness and strife.

Yelling and screaming,

punching and throwing.

The threads mangled and fried.

But soon enough,

God, with his knowing hands,

his fingers so gentle,

created a piece.

And those loose threads,

they all straighten out to create

one magnificent picture.

One that is unique.

One that is me.

mine.

Annabel Lee II

I was a child and she was a child,

In this kingdom by the sea,

But we loved with a love that was more than love—

I and my Annabel Lee—

With a love that the wingèd seraphs of Heaven

Coveted her and me.

I open my eyes.

The words fade slowly, dissipating like fog before a cold night wind.

Numbness has set into my bones, preventing me from feeling anything.  I can no longer sense the freezing spray on my skin, the bitter gale’s bite across my face.  The sky has darkened, turning the clouds from ash to slate and the last lines of green have bled from the water, leaving it colorless and violent.

Looking up to a higher hill, I see my destination.  Although I feel nothing, I wrap my coat more tightly around me and tilt my head forward, burying my face in the musty wool of my scarf.

I have spent the last months grieving, so naturally I have not been out for much exercise other than to visit her.  The effort it takes to climb the hill makes my legs burn and my chest tighten.  Only when the pain comes can I feel the cold air press against my throat and restrict my breathing.  Puffs of white rush forth from my lips and swirl away quickly.

Panting I stop beside the sepulchre.  I gaze sightlessly at the words, tracing the ridges of the engraving with stiff fingers.  Naturally I know it by heart.

Annabel Lee Ashford-Dalton

1809-1830

Devoted Daughter

Generous Sister

Loving Wife

I let my fingers drift over the words Annabel Lee, Dalton and loving wife but avoid from touching the others entirely.  My name belies my wealth and status.  Her family has always hated me passionately.  Their aristocratic legacy is far superior to my nondescript background.  The highborn daughter of a noble could not possibly fraternize with the impoverished son of a widow.  And yet my Annabel had loved me.  When I could not give her jewels or silks, carriages or marble fountains, she loved me.

I wager they are more than happy to be rid of me now.

I stare down at the unfeeling black marble.  It is cold, rigid and sharp; things Annabel had never been in life.  Droplets of water cling to it, making the stone appear as if it weeps. The tears remind me so much of our drip castle and I press my fingers to my eyes and sigh.

Memories rush around me.

After building our castle, it was several weeks before I saw Annabel again.  But following our second encounter, we scarcely went a day without seeing each other.  I learned that she was staying with a nanny and her eldest sister in the Ashfords’ summer home.  Her mother was ailing and the rest of her family had sent her away to protect her from sickness.  Apparently she took ill very easily and had an extremely difficult time recovering.

I took to calling her Annalie, just a simple contraction of Annabel Lee.   Her nanny, whose name was Matilda, abhorred the nickname.  Every time she heard me say it, she cringed and gave me a disdainful look.  Matilda would pronounce each syllable, saying, “Ann uh Lee…” then scowl at Annabel and say, “Really miss Ashford, that is far too crude a name for a lady of your station.  I must insist you bid him to refrain from calling you that.”

Of course she never did.  Annabel loved my little name for her.  She said it was friendly and sweeter than Annabel Lee, as every family member used that formal address when speaking to her.

Even though Matilda openly disliked me, not once did she forbid Annabel from seeing me. Her sister, Eleonora, seldom took notice of her youngest sibling and paid no mind to our interactions.

Years went by and our friendship grew, my affections for her waxing all the while.  When I was ten and four, Annabel invited me over to her family’s estate for the first time.  I remember the hot feeling of excitement and the chill of nervousness when I accepted her invitation.

As I said before, I had no love of God, but thankfully I still owned Sunday clothes.  They were a bit small and slightly wrinkled, but presentable and clean nonetheless.

I caught my mother smiling softly to herself as she polished the buttons on my coat and ironed my trousers.  She took great care in fixing up my clothes.

I washed my hair and she combed the curls through, neatly pushing them back against my forehead.  She put her hands on my shoulders and whispered in my ear, “You’re such a handsome boy… You look so like you father… You have his eyes, and his smile.”

Indeed all who knew Caspian Dalton told me I looked exactly like him.  I only inherited one trait from my mother and that was her incredibly tall and slender frame.

Rosaline Dalton was a beautiful woman.  Creamy white skin set fire to her bright red hair.  Corkscrew curls, the color of glossy cherry wood, cascaded down her back in sprightly ringlets.  The faintest spray of freckles dotted the bridge of her nose and under her eyes.

My mother had the loveliest eyes.  They were an unusual color, somewhere between warm cinnamon and melting chocolate.  There were even hints of gold in them.  Sparkling and soft, they always made me feel protective of her.

But since my father’s death, there hung a kind of quiet sadness in their depths.  It did not dampen their light, but it somehow changed it.  Before, they had glittered like orbs of polished amber.  After he died, they were shinier but less glittery; she looked hurt, lost.

My father had loved her more than anything.  Perhaps those jealous angels took him too…

Annabel hurried me though the house.  In fact, we moved so quickly I cannot even recall the color of the carpet or the size of the foyer.  She took me into the garden, only then did she slow and relax.

The garden was enclosed by glass, protecting the inhabitants from weather.  Some plants were thin and tall, others were short and thick.  I was ashamed that I did not know the name of even one specimen.

Annabel gently touched my hand and led me to the center of the garden, to the flowerbeds.  A stone fountain bubbled happily, spurting clear water from a fish’s mouth down into the shallow basin below.  I sighed, relieved.  I did in fact know the names of the beautiful blossoms.

I spied a red rose, velvety and trembling on its long, thorny stem.

Next to it, a tulip rested sleepily, its waxy pink petals looking heavy and healthy.

Six white daisies with soft yellow centers surrounded a vibrant sunflower.

But one flower stood out from the others.  A single star lily grew near the fountain.  Fragile and feminine, it smelled fresh and delicate.  The petals were mostly deep pink, but the outermost edges were white.  A pale green throat barred balls of gold pollen, mounted on slender stalks.

“That one is my favorite,” Annabel whispered.

I turned to look at her.

She was beautiful, standing there in her gossamer mauve dress.  Her hair was longer than when we first met, almost reaching her waist. Deep sea green eyes searched my face, gleaming and her skin looked softer and more radiant than ever.  But one thing held my gaze, mesmerized, enchanted; I could feel my heart hammering in my throat and blood throbbing behind my eyes.

Her lips looked so lush and satiny, untouched, flawless.  I could smell the sweetness of her skin, vanilla and rose water.  My mind wandered for a moment.  I thought it strange she smelled of roses when she loved lilies so much.

She shifted, and the motion brought my focus back.

“Annalie…” I said, not taking my eyes from her lips.

“What is it?” she asked, frozen.

“Have you ever…” I could not bring myself to finish the question.

“No,” she breathed.  Then added almost inaudibly, “But I’d like to.”

I hesitated, taking in the exquisite green of her eyes and the perfection of her face.  I had never touched her hair, though I had always wanted to.  The silky strands seemed to melt as I slid my fingers though them; her hair was even softer than I had ever imagined.

Closing my eyes, I leaned forward and inhaled her scent one last time before my mouth met hers.

I felt hot and dizzy the moment our lips made touched.  Color and shadow spiraled around in my head, taking me to the edge of consciousness and threatening to push me into the abyss.  She surrendered her weight to me and I held her, the unbearable sweetness overwhelming me, permeating my every sense.

She tasted of sugar and honeysuckle with just a hint of exotic spice.  The warmth of her skin set my own on fire.  So there I stood, ablaze, holding a fay in my arms.

STAY TUNED FOR NEXT STORY!

What Tim Tebow and the GOP Candidates Have in Common

The reason I first made this connection is because I hate both of them. Let me start out explaining why I hate Tebow because I think people know why I hate the GOP Candidates.

Tim Tebow is a great athlete, there is no hiding from that. And like many athletes, Tim Tebow is religious. But what makes Tebow stand out is his proselytizing that he constantly does.

From his Super Bowl anti-abortion commercial to his constant kneeling, Tebow makes it his goal for everyone to know that he loves God.  It is so obnoxious for him to constantly thank God and Jesus for his successes. He can thank them in his head, he doesn’t need to say it out loud.

Yes, I am both an atheist and a liberal so I am predisposed to dislike these characters. But there are many Christians who hate Tebow and just as many republicans that can’t stand their candidates.

So what do these two have in common besides me hating them? They both are putting on a show.

I’m sure Tebow loves god but he wants the attention for his devotion. The GOP candidates (mainly Romney) are making it seem like they have beliefs far more radical than in actuality, just to gain votes.

Now I realize that in our society we have a tendency to act differently to impress others, it’s part of our nature.

But it is stupid that so many people fall for the obvious ploys of these actors. I guess the reason I hate both of them is because they make me realize how ignorant many of my fellow Americans are.

It disgusts me that so many people listen to words without thinking about the meaning behind them. TIM TEBOW WANTS TO CONVERT YOU! THAT IS HIS GOAL! THE GOP WANTS YOUR VOTES!

Do not believe they are good and righteous people just because they tell you they are. Listen to me, I am the Pope. See what I did there? (I’m not the Pope).

Stop being gullible and ignorant. Stop living up to the stereotypes that the rest of the world make about us. Be smart.

Annabel Lee I

This post is going to be part of a series based on the love story of Edgar Allan Poe‘s poem “Annabel Lee.”

It was many and many a year ago,

In a kingdom by the sea,

That a maiden there lived whom you may know

By the name of Annabel Lee;

And this maiden she lived with no other thought

Than to love and be loved by me.

Than to love and be loved by me…

The words roll around in my mind, marbles on a marble floor.

I stand alone on a grassy hill, watching the gray clouds reflected in greenish water.  A storm is coming.  The ocean churns and froths beneath my empty stare, bubbling up like pus from a great wound.  But all I can think about is my heart, lying in the tomb.  Cold, lonely, lost.

My Annabel is gone.

Sweet Annabel Lee, my first, my only love.

I had never loved God or His angels.  Even as a boy I was ever skeptical of the mercy and kindness others painted Him with.  But I have never hated those divinities more than I do at this very moment.

Those jealous seraphs killed my beloved, and God Almighty allowed it to happen.  I feel myself shaking with rage and grief.

Closing my eyes, I think back to the day I met Annabel.

I had been playing at the beach, frolicking gaily at the shore just beyond the reach of the waves.  The sky was vivid lapis lazuli, the breeze, light and sweet.  I do not remember the water being particularly warm, but it was clean and clear, refreshing.  The dry sand sparkled white and the wet sand was soft gold, silky and fine.  Gulls cried, their voices carried across the beach by the breeze, breaking sharply in my ear.  Waves rolled, the low, melodious hiss of the surf soothed the birds’ shrill shrieks.

I was perhaps one and ten years.  By my mother’s accounts, I was a handsome boy.  She loved to run her fingers though my wavy blond hair and tousle it gently.  My skin was barely three shades lighter than honey, but still fair and unmarked.  However, what people first noticed were my eyes.  Large and uncannily bright, they were the deep blue of a summer ocean.

I had just scooped up a handful of sand when a shadow fell over my head.  Annoyed that this new obstacle was blocking the sun’s warmth, I looked up.

Probably appearing rather ridiculous, I shielded my eyes with one sandy arm and squinted, opening my mouth and cocking my head to the left.  What I saw slackened my jaw and made my arm drop like a stone.

A girl about my age stood in front of me.  The waves tugged at her long, pale pink dress, twisting it around her ankles, bits of white foam caught in the hem.  Long dark hair, locks of chestnut laced with amber, danced around a heart-shaped face.  Her magnolia white skin held the faintest flush across her cheekbones.  Lips, the dewy fresh color of roses, slightly parted, revealed pearly white teeth.  Luminescent eyes started down at me.  The incredible green of gemstones, they reminded me of my mother’s emeralds or the exotic lumps of jade she kept locked in a special velvet box.  Dark, curling lashes ringed the eyes and cast shadows down on her face like the silhouette of delicate black lace.

She knelt before me and sat with a grace I hadn’t thought a girl her age capable of.

“May I join you?” She asked, her voice soft and clear as a crystal bell.

Read More »

Samson

I’m not religious, but I consider the Bible to be one of the greatest stories ever told.

Rather, a collection of the great stories, I am particularly fond of the Old Testament and the story of Samson and Delilah.

God gave Samson the gift of super strength, but in return, he could never cut his hair.  His strength allowed him to tear a lion apart with his bare hands, slay an entire army and destroy a temple.  He fell in love with a woman named Delilah.  The Philistines offered her silver coins in exchange for  finding the secret to Samson’s strength.

When Delilah asked him how to drain his strength, Samson deceived her twice but finally told her that if his hair was cut, he would lose his gift.  While Samson slept, she called her manservant in their chambers and he cut Samson’s seven locks.  The Philistines captured him and put out his eyes, then forced him into hard labor, grinding grain.

His hair had grown long again and the Philistines went to temple to sacrifice to one of their most important deities.  Samson was brought forth but asked if he could lean against the pillars.

He cried out, praying to God, “Remember me, I pray thee, and strengthen me, I pray thee, only this once, O God, that I may be at once avenged of the Philistines for my two eyes.  Let me die with the Philistines!”

God restored his strength and Samson pulled down the pillars, killing many before the temple collapsed.  The Philistines perished, along with Samson.

Fellow blogger Yrreskrap and our ASB President sang “Samson” by Regina Spektor.  Personally I think she’s a lot better than Regina.

FOUR MORE DAYS !!

OKAY.

I KNOW I SAID I WOULDN’T THINK ABOUT IT UNTIL AFTER I FIND OUT THE RESULTS BUT…

i just cant.

ALKEJFIOSDJFLSEMNFOALDKCM!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY!?
I feel like these four days are killing me.

On December 1st, I will receive two emails from Williams and Amherst, letting me know whether or not I have been accepted. I don’t know what time the emails will come which makes things worse for me! I will be checking every five minutes on that day! Will it come at noon like the last email? If so will it come at noon Eastern Time? Would that make it arrive in my inbox at nine?

I am scared because Williams and Amherst are one of the nations top colleges. Williams is rated #1 in Forbes Best College List and #1 liberal arts schools in U.S. News and World Report Best College List. Amherst is #4 on Forbes and #2 in U.S. News and World.

Williams College is a small school of just over 2,000 students with an acceptance rate of 20 percent. SDLKFJSDLJF. So 20 out of 100 students that apply get in. 80 get a rejection.

Amherst is even worse. It has an acceptance rate of 16. So in this case, 84 would get the boot.

What I am scared the most about is, like I said in my previous blog, whether or not I will hate the isolation. I am scared that I will hate being in the middle of nowhere (being three and a half hours away from Boston) and find myself hating the weather too!

I think too much.

I am both dreading and waiting for Thursday to come.

God, please choose the right school for me.

Just Like That

Confused. Miserable. Alone.  Scared.

So, so scared.

The worst how empty she felt.

Where was her mother, her father, her sisters, her brothers?

Was she in their thoughts? Was it only her?
Soon, she could think of nothing. Her mind drew blank.

She faced the white, chalky wall atop her tall bunk bed, the railings red and bright. Her lungs were heavy. One breath in. One breath out.

Was this what her 13 years of life had come to?

Another deep breath out.

She closed her eyes, hoping that sleep would take over. She whispered a prayer to God that someone would find her, that she might find herself.

How silly she was to think she was alone in the midst of this struggle. How narrow minded, how blind to the future she was.

Because beneath her, with an obnoxious rustle of the sheets, a skinny girl with young, wispy hair and her insistent tapping, made it clear that she was not alone.

And just like that, without words, the little girl gave her the strength she needed.

Why Me?

October 20, 2011, Thursday morning.

The familiar buzz of my alarm shook me from my sleep. A heavy hand reached over, my drowsy fingers searching for the Dismiss button, rather than the usual Snooze.

I had woken up with one thing on my mind.

I sat up, my hands grabbing the computer and placing it on my lap. I refreshed the awaiting Collegeboard page that was already open on Google Chrome. I signed in again and…

I couldn’t believe it.

Could it be true? Was I too tired? Was I seeing things?

Again. My fingers tapped the refresh button. But the same score prevailed my cyber attack.

My SAT score had increased 240 point since the last test. My cumulative 5 months of straight studying had paid off! Immediately, I ran down the hall screaming for my roommate and Sungjin. Then, happy phone calls to my proud mother and father.

October 21, 2011, Friday evening.

With a heavy feeling in my heart, I checked my phone. The email accounts in my phone did not receive any mail but college junk mail.

It should’ve come by now. It should be here. Maybe…

Thousands of thoughts rushed into my head and I brushed them off. Worrying wouldn’t change anything.

Wishfully thinking, I double checked each email account I had on the internet browser. Nothing…

…until I checked my POP/junk mail folder on my hotmail account.

“National College Match Application Status” sent at 12:01 pm. Goodness, it was already halfway past seven, I should have checked earlier.

My fingers pressed the small icon before my heart was ready for the news.

My eyes couldn’t believe it and my heart beat at 9187431938471 miles an hour.

“Dear Serry,We are pleased to inform you that you have been chosen as a finalist for the 2011 QuestBridge National College Match! “

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHH I’M A FINALIST AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” I screamed for joy! My track coach, probably scared out of his wits next to me in the Ojai Valley School Van, said, “No way!”

He had been helping me with these essays before I turned the applications in. Without his help, I don’t believe I would have gotten this far. (Thank you so much!)

Now, my next deadline is November 1. I need to submit all my applications by then and wait until December 1.

But until then, I can’t give up or slow my pace! I just need to try hard and pray even harder. Thank God for how far I’ve come. I can definitely see his hand working in my life, molding the paths I take. Although I know that this is just one step of the way, I am confident that God will lead me to the right direction.

You Are My Sweetest Downfall…

I am obsessed with the song Samson by Regina Spektor. Ask my roommate, she knows.

What I love the most about the song is not the beautiful, velvety vocals but the lyrics (to be specific, the meaning behind them).

It tells the story of Samson through the eyes of Delilah, his deceitful wife. Samson was blessed by God with incredible strength (he could even kill a lion with his bare hands). With that strength, Samson fought off wicked people and God was pleased. Samson was good. He was obedient and he loved God. So, God promised Samson his strength as long as he never cut a hair off his head.

Delilah had given into sin by accepting the bribes of the Philistines. Blinded by money, she sought to find Samson’s ultimate weakness and to bring about his downfall. Every night, he incessantly asked her husband where his shortcomings lied. But every night, Samson gave her the wrong answer. After being given the answer, Delilah called the Philistines to her house to attack her husband, just to have Samson fight them off.

Finally, one night, Delilah got to him. She had told him that if he truly loved him, he would confide in her.

and he did.

Samson lost his hair that night and Delilah sold her husband to the Philistines. Tied to a pillar in their palace, Samson watched as the Philistines celebrated with a feast. Samson, deceived, guilt welling up in his chest cavity, prayed to God for one last chance. He asked for forgiveness and he asked for his strength. And for the last time, Samson got up and used his power to break the pillar that he was tied against, killing all inside the building, including himself.

This story is particularly moving to me because it shows how easily mankind can fall into sin’s trap. Everyday, the story of Samson lives on in every one of us. We are the deceived but more often, we are the deceivers.

Once you branch off from the straight path, like a tree that has grown crooked, you can never go back and straighten in out again. The past will always remain in the past. But life’s goal is to turn back once a mistake has been made. You must live and learn. Let the present be something you will never regret.