Gone

People come and go so fast. It’s almost like they’re here one day and gone the next. With a blink of an eye, a bullet is in their brain, a tumor is in their body, a rope is around their neck, lethal amounts of Codeine is in their system. You try to save them, but they’re already gone.

I beat myself up and ask over and over again: what could I have done to help you?

Photo credit: drawingpenciled.com

Why didn’t I realize? Looking back now it seems so obvious. I could have done so much to save you.

A text? A call? A drive up to LA? Would that have kept your heart beating?

Well, here’s the answer. No, I couldn’t have saved you, even as much as I wanted too. You may have had a pulse and air going through your lungs, but you were already gone.

It comes to a point where a person is faded to a point of no recovery, no matter how much you do, the sadness inside of them can never be erased.

You can tell so much by looking in someones eyes. Looking at your most recent photos, your eyes said it all. The color, the joy, the happiness, it was gone. Now, you are gone.

I blame myself a lot.

But sometime I’m going to have to realize, no matter how much I deny it, there is nothing  I could have done.

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continuing on

i’m stressed.

beyond words, feelings, and emotions.

i feel the whole world watching my next move but every step i take is somehow five steps backward.

i know that if i tell someone it would help me so much, but if i tell someone it will hurt the person i care about most.

this person means so much to me and i don’t want to hurt them in any manner.

but the weight of what they don’t know is closing in on me and it may kill me before they realize.

i can’t allow them to continue because i know that by the end they will be hurt worse than before.

 

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my heart races when it’s brought up and tears grow in my eyes.

i could cry for hours and hours but still no one would notice.

and who could i tell?

i can’t confide in them because it’ll hurt me too much and i can’t confide in anyone else, it’ll just hurt them.

i’m so scared for them, because when the truth is released it will slowly break them, until they are nothing and i am nothing.

if i tell them, i will break as well, they will lose their trust in me just like i have lost it in myself.

how have i gone on this long without breaking is beyond my understanding?

but now i am breaking.

i’m crumbling.

and no one seems to notice.

i’ll be gone and everyone will continue on.