Confusion of the heart

There are moments when I find myself caught in the cross fire between my heart and my head. I often cant decided weather or not I should listen to the voices in my head telling me what to do, or my heart guiding me in in the direction of possible heart break. I want to follow the direction of my heart, but my head always stops me and poses the question of “what if”

So now when my mind is blank, the thought of the matter at hand will cross my previously calm mind. And suddenly, there’s a sense of panic that overtakes me and I feel uneasy. As if I am stuck with a decision that for one reason or another, my mind can not physically comprehend because my heart will still get in the way.

One way or another, my heart and mind play tricks on each other, but both only have the best of intensions for my own happiness. So there lies the conflict, when is it that I listen to my head, and when do I listen to my heart?

Is it worth the minor lapses of fear and judgment for potential happiness? Or is it that I should disregard both and simply try and play it safe.

Even that question is too grand to answer for myself. So I still remain to question decisions, or simply protect myself from a risk just to avoid the confusion of my heart. I consistently bombard myself with the age old question of “what if?”

But maybe someday, I will listen to the deep feelings being stirred in my heart and follow that, for it could lead me to my greatest potential happiness. Maybe I will rebut the question of “what if?” with “why not?”.

photo credit: https://allpoetry.com/

Burpees

Burpees – a kind of cardio exercise people do to strengthen their heart and burn their fat. Today, I started doing burpees again.

It’s a kind of workout that requires you to first do a push-up, then jump, do another push-up, jump again… The repetition of push-ups and jumping is going to accelerate your heart beat, therefore getting rid of your fat through breathing and at the same time, improve your heart conditions. 

However, burpees are hard, at least harder than jogging. In a small amount of time, you could be trying to catch your breath. While the high-intensity of the burpees is considered unnecessary for cardio by some, others like myself believe in hard-work—that hard-work should exhaust you.

Other cardio workouts have proven to be sufficient for fat-burning, such as jogging, rowing, cycling, jumping rope, even HIIT. Nevertheless, I believe in burpees. I’ve been doing burpees for about 5 years now, every now and then I would stop and jog, sometimes they are simply put aside or replaced by other workouts… but I’ll never forget about burpees.

Today I started doing burpees again, it brings me nostalgia while takes away the fat.

Photo credit: pinterest.com

Tattoo

Recently I got a tattoo and everyone has been wondering what it is or why I got it.  I haven’t explained it to many people because I just haven’t had time to fully explain it.  There are so many things someone must know to understand why I got that tattoo.  It is not something simple to me.  I mean I planned it for 8 years, so what can you expect?

When I was very young, around the age of 4, I took father and daughter guitar lessons with my dad.  I don’t really remember the classes, but one day has always stood out to me more than others.  My dad and I went to the class, then went to the fair after.  We got mint chocolate chip ice cream and I just loved spending the day with my dad.  The main focus of the day was music, but that was most days for us.

Another really strong memory I have with my dad is painting with watercolors.  We painted together so many times that I don’t have just one day I can recall.  All I remember is painting with him.

He was very artistic. In fact, I think that I got my artistic side from him.  We used to always jam out to “Iron Man” by Black Sabbath in his car and look at nature together.  We always talked about how beautiful nature was.  Our favorite colors were green and blue because they were always in nature and we both had beautiful blue eyes.

In 2011, God decided that it was time for my dad to go home.  I tried to follow him multiple times, but luckily I failed.

Photo Credit: pinterest.com

Now that I got the background information out of the way, I think I can actually explain my tattoo.

My tattoo is a black bass and treble clef that resemble a heart with blue, green, and purple watercolors behind it on my forearm.  It sounds simple, but it really isn’t.

I have known since I was 10 I wanted a heart for my dad but I did not know what kind.  I decided that when I saw the music heart that I knew it was perfect.  I feel most connected to him through any sort of art.

The bass clef has low notes in music while the treble has high notes.  This is to remind me that there are lows in life, but there are also highs.

The bass clef normally has a colon at the end, but I decided to make it a semicolon because there is a very famous project known as The Semicolon Project, which raises awareness for suicide victims and survivors.  After my father passed, I thought I could not handle life without him, but I can and the semicolon is a reminder that I can.

The watercolors in the back are not just cool colors to me.  Whenever I see blue and green together, I always think of my dad so I thought they were the only fitting colors to have.  I added purple as a sort of transition color.

The reason I am calling them watercolors is because they look like splashes of watercolors.  The reason I added them was not just for a pop of color.  It was because some of the best memories I have of him are when we were painting together and most the time we used watercolors.

The placement is not random either.  I know to some people it is dumb to have a tattoo so visible, but I do not care.  It is visible in most dresses, but I want it that way.  My father cannot walk me down the aisle so having the tattoo on my arm out in the open is the closest I will ever get.

I Miss You

When I say I miss you, it’s not you that I miss.  I just miss the memories and I miss what we had. I miss the beach and Mongolian BBQ.  I miss all the things I will never experience again.

Photo Credit: art-en-provence.com

When I say I want you back, you have to understand I don’t want who you are now.  I want who you used to be and the way we used to be.

When I say I love you, I hope you know I am not in love with you anymore.  I just have love for you.  I want the best for you and hope you’re happy, but I don’t look at you and become filled with happiness and love anymore.

I hate when I hear bad things about you.  I hate to see you struggling with something, but most of all I hate that we don’t even smile at each other anymore.

I will always care, even if I don’t want to be with you.

I could never say any of this out loud to anyone, so I hope you read this and know who you are.  Maybe, one day, we could go back to that beach and be happy again.

when i see you again

it’ll be a tuesday.

the sun will be shining, but rain clouds will be looming in the distance.

i’ll see you in line for ice cream on the boardwalk and race towards you.

you’ll turn around when i call your name and your lovely brown eyes will instantly lock with mine.

you were always so good with eye contact.

obviously my heart will skip a beat, but i’ll never let you know.

we’ll talk for hours about school, family, boys, and girls,

just like old friends.

because that’s all we were,

all we are.

maybe we’ll dip our feet into the vast, open ocean,

and it’ll send chills down our spines.

Photo Credit: pinterest.com

but, maybe, it’ll start to rain,

so we’ll rush back to your car and wait for my sister to come get me.

you’ll laugh at me for still not having my license,

even though “i’m almost there!”

but, i won’t be nervous when my sister doesn’t respond to my text,

because i’ve never felt anything but safe around you.

so, we’ll talk some more and more until i check the time and realize we’ve been sitting here for hours.

finally, you decide to go outside because you just hate sitting around.

at first, i’ll let you stand out there by yourself, the rain beating down on your hair and catching in your eyelashes.

but, my speedy little heart will tell my reluctant brain to just go.

so, i’ll jump out of your car and spin around the parking lot and let the rain soak through my clothes.

then, you’ll take my hand and we’ll spin together just like out of the final scene in a rom-com.

but, my sister will eventually come.

you’ll wrap me in a towel and i’ll go home.

i’ll wash the ice cream stain off my sweater and tell my sister i had an alright time.

maybe i’ll tell my friends about you,

but i’ll probably keep our moment to ourselves.

i guess i’m just selfish like that.

Handing Your Heart Away

Everyone has a heart. The heart is a clump of muscle imbedded inside your chest, hidden behind your lungs and ribcage. Upon first glance, upon first experience, you plunge your hand into your chest and enclose your fist around your heart.

You’ll keep your hand enclosed around that heart. Maybe you will release your heart, sew up your chest, then wash the blood off your hands.

Or maybe something will happen, and you begin to pull your heart out of your chest. Strangely enough, it doesn’t hurt. Just don’t pull too hard or too fast, you could bleed yourself to death. No, pull slow, allow time to clot, then keep pulling.

Who knows how long it takes until you can hold your heart at arm’s length? Maybe it takes two years. Two years sounds like a good amount of time.

Your heart is enclosed in your hand, pumping, pumping, slightly connected to your chest and the rest of your body. You look up. There it is. There is the thing, the person, the place, the reason you pulled your heart out in the first place. Blood soaks your footsteps so you’ll always know the way you came.

You have two options.

The first option is to cut your heart away from you body. Hand it to that person, place it on the ground, do anything that shows that your heart is no longer your own.

They could crush it. Stomp on it, squeeze it slice and dice it up. They could do anything at all and you could do nothing about it. It is no longer your heart.

You have another option.

Turn away. Put your heart back into your chest. Stack your ribs on top and peel your lungs back into place. Sew yourself up. The heart is yours. It will stay yours. Do not ever let it go again.

Through the Wall

I recently wrote a poem for OVS‘s love poetry competition. While I didn’t win, I was pretty proud of what I wrote. I realize that this is more of a short story than a poem but I spoke from the heart. Whenever people read something, they always question who or what it’s about. This is simply a story about forbidden love. Read and interpret for yourselves.

She was the one he could never quite reach.

There was always some barrier keeping them apart.

He didn’t understand why.

The wall was solid.

He knew she was on the other side.

It was all that was ever on his mind.

How everyday, he’d try.

Just to be next to her.

And he’d try

And try.

And try.

You would think that constant failure would render him helpless.

But his love for her wouldn’t let him stop.

Then one day, one lone hole emerged in the wall.

He could see the light.

She was beautiful.

He had never seen anything like her.

He needed to be with her.

He was in love.

And there was no way out.

As one wall was falling

a new wall was forming

He realized that as his desire for her burned inside,

he was trapped.

He was never getting away from his love.

Her radiance shown as if she truly was an angel.

Infatuation, obsession, affection,

He felt helpless without her.

As he fell harder and harder, the wall began to crumble away.

The wall sheltering him from escape was now impassable.

He could see her face.

And she looked on him with bright eyes

The two never looking away

She smiled at him

And he smiled back

He saw his chance, and tried to reduce the rest of the wall to rubble.

Taking any opportunity to make her realize

He loved her

Piece by piece

Brick by brick

He pushed through

And he held her

And she him

They were finally together

After so much determination

His efforts to make her realize

How he really felt

And she was beautiful

He was not blinded by his addiction

She was flawless in nature

Her entire being was bright

Her eyes, stars that envied the night sky

Her smile, the only thing that made him happy

Her voice, sweeter and softer than the sounds of the most glorious choirs

Her heart, only for him

Her touch, made him hope that she’d never take her hand away

She refused to accept it at first

But somehow

He knew that she did

And somehow

She knew that she loved him.

The wall between them had fallen.

And a new wall surrounded them.

But they were together

And that’s all he ever wanted.

Missing Piece

Ever feel like you’ve lost something that you simply can’t ever replace or recover?

Not something really, someone. Losing someone that close that knew so much and wanted a better human being instead of a monster.

One who rather be feared and respected than loved. What kind of animal is this? This maniac never evolved fully. A heart and soul were left undeveloped from the vessel that wreaks havoc on all those who care. Pushing away, more interested in achieving his desired power than achieving relationships with those that wanted to be there.

Denial was never the answer for him. Hiding in the shadows, he tried to hide himself from everyone because he couldn’t stand causing the hurt anymore. The pain he forced upon himself and the world around him was unorthodox. Everything and everyone that he thought he loved was all a lie. He wasn’t capable of love or allowing people to love him. He wanted to learn, but didn’t know how. His power was declining.

Is there more than just raw power? Is there emotion in this cold life he lives? Is there any way to achieve happiness?

What an outrageous concept. He so greatly craves love. But he can’t feel it. He had it.

But she was always his missing piece. She never saw what he did. She was incredible to him and he loved her. But when the missing piece fell to the floor, she dragged his heart with her, never allowing love again.

As much as he wants to hate her, he can’t. He still loves his missing piece.

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To The Best Man I Know.

This picture says it all.

I love my dad.
I don’t know any other immense, bottomless love.
During times of difficulty, he has been my rock and laid out the foundations for a secure home.

The only thing that scares me is how old my father is.
I mean, I am in no form ashamed of his age. My dad is 80 and he hasn’t failed to love me for a single day.

However, I do get worried.
Sometimes, when he does certain things, I feel a little tug on my heart.

For example, his once steady and strong hands tremble. His fingers move very slow and systematically.
He cannot stand for over 20 minutes at a time.
His sight is slowly slipping away; He can’t drive after the sun begins to set.
He gets sick more often. My father, man who hadn’t caught a cold in so many years, finally caught one this year and he is still trying to recover.

I know these are all natural, especially for someone so elderly. However, he is my father, and I can’t help but get a little sad to see him slowing down.

However, none of these symptoms of old age make me love him any less. Although I have been attending a boarding school 2 hours away from home for the past 5 years of my life and I don’t talk to him nearly as much as I should, he still remains number 1 in my heart, my blessing from God.

I hope that everybody gets to experience such a love. It is overwhelming and wonderful. It motivates you and places you on the right path. It lifts you up and betters you. It moves you without words. It is so powerful and definitely one of the greatest emotions God has given to his people.

My father allowed me to be the person I want to be. When I am older, I want to be able to give the same selfless, unconditional love to my children.

I love you dad, always. I will continue to try to be the best me I can. Hope your cold goes away soon!

Dear Dad

Daddy,

Words can’t begin to describe what you mean to me.

I don’t know what it is

about your voice.

maybe because the years

turned it so frail

and shaky.

Your hearty laugh

that one, so contagious

I don’t hear it as much.

But when I do,

words can’t describe how it makes me feel.

Dear Daddy,

Today, you told me

you were proud of me

and I knew you were speaking the truth 

because you are such an honest man.

It made me feel so good

when you told me that you knew

I’d get far

because of my heart and determination (I get it from you, you know).

Daddy,

you know how you tell me 

that the happiest moments 

are with me eating?

You’ve always loved watching me eat…

I’ll never forget that 아빠.

아빠, you are an amazing man.

You are honest and kind,

selfless and hardworking.

You gave up so much for me

You fought for me 

and you rarely ever, ever told a lie

아빠, God truly blessed me

with you 

and someday dad,

I’m going to marry somebody just like you.

You are the greatest man in my life

The only one that looks into my heart & truly understand

The one to see me as I was

You believed in me always

You loved me always, through it all…

I’m so sorry I wasn’t better

but I’ll be my best from now

You taught me so much

But the greatest lesson you’ve ever taught me was

how to love.

Thank you daddy.

Words can’t describe what you mean to me.

You’re the best

and you deserve all you want.

I love you 아빠.

Stay healthy and be always happy.