Tag: living

when I leave

urmom8beanLeave a comment

I know I’ve been writing alot about the end but it has been clouding my mind lately, and I need to do these anyway. So here I go.

I’m not ready and I never will be. Why does it all have to end? I hate how I didn’t enjoy my younger years more. I wish I would have. I don’t even remember the last time I went trick or treating, what was I even dressed as? These things are stuck in my head as I feel like I’m wasting time. Why do I have to be in school when I could be out in the world living.

Living. Why?

Why does it end? Why can’t I do what I want for the years I am here? Considering we only live once, why am I wasting it here? I should be across the world singing my heart out on a stage. I should be performing every single hour. Why do I want more? These questions will most likely never be answered or changed.

What am I going to do?

I’m scared.

I think we all are even if we can easily mask it. There’s always going to be that pit in my stomach whenever I think of the end. What happens? I don’t want to leave. I will miss my friends too much. What do they even really think of me? When I’m not near and they talk about me what do they say? What are they thinking about saying while reading this? I guess I shouldn’t waste time thinking about it but I can’t help myself. I mean they are my friends, right?

I’m going to miss everyone.

I don’t know why I’m scared. I mean I do, but why aren’t others? How do they live without the fear of leaving? Can they teach me? I guess not but I really do hope I move past this. Every time it happens, I just want it to end. I’ve been here before every feeling every word. Have I imagined it all? You’ll never know how freedom will feel if you never try to forget your past.

I just want to live and maybe I will, one day.

PC: https://tonedeaf.thebrag.com/hugest-stadium-gigs-of-all-time/list/guns-n-roses-at-calder-park-93/

Places I have lived

leapingwaterLeave a comment

In my 16 years of life, I have lived in four different states. Florida, California, Louisiana, and Arizona. Living in these places has taught me many things, especially how different environments can affect you. I was born in Boca Raton, Florida, and I had only lived there until I was two and a half. The main things that I remember from living here were the extreme humidity and the really loud toads outside of our house. I know that is not much that I can remember, but I was very young when I lived here. I last visited Florida many years ago, but let’s just say I do not have much of a desire to return.

After living in Florida, I moved to Los Angeles, California. I have lived in California for most of my life, and I definitely know and love it most. Los Angeles is not always as glamorous as it looks in movies, (especially central Hollywood), but I still really have a love for it. There are so many spots in Los Angeles that just spark memories for me. It really is a special place that will always be in my heart no matter where I move to in my future.

I lived in Louisiana for 5 months every year for three years, and I moved there because my brother was cast in a TV show. Although I did make some great memories, I would not want to live there again. There is a lot of fried food there as well. I remember that I had refused to try crawfish the entire time that I lived in Louisiana, but unfortunately, on my last month living there, I realized how good crawfish tasted. I’m still sad about it.

Living in Arizona did not feel real to me at all. I lived in Scottsdale starting in 2017, and oh my gosh was it hot. I can just remember stepping outside and feeling like I was drying up from the heat and sun. There was also a dust storm when I lived there, which I found really cool as a ten-year-old. I do remember living in fear of jumping cacti, though. Whenever I went on a hike, I would try and get as far away from any cactus that I saw, which is really difficult in Arizona because they are everywhere. Arizona is a really beautiful place with great locations to visit, and I am very grateful that I got to live there for nine months.

pc:https://debraleebaldwin.com/wp-content/uploads/Cholla-backlit.jpg

In a house, trapped.

karolineticoLeave a comment

I can’t live in the same house for 10 years, I can’t even imagine it.

The longest time that I have lived in the same place was 5 years. The five years from when I was born to when I was 5 years old. Thereafter, I move to a different place at a frequency of about every 1 to 3 years. As a result, I can quickly adapt to a new environment, but at the same time, I get bored of the same environment easily. 

I imagine in the future— if I could,  I will sojourn in different places around the world until I can’t anymore. 

If I am trapped in a place for long enough, I will first be tired of the daily routine; waking up in the same bed, eating at the same table, and shitting on the same toilet. Then, my eyes will be irritated by my unchanging surroundings; seeing the same trees out the window and opening the same door every time I go out. It would be the most terrifying torture in the world to me.

In order to prevent me from developing mental issues, I will constantly alter the house and explore different ways to do things. For instance, if I grew tired of sleeping in bed, I can go camping in the yard(if there is one). Or if I can’t stand the trees outside, I will plant new ones. 

After all, I’m still not sure how long it will last until I just can’t do it anymore.

www.southernliving.com

Catalina Island, My Favorite Corner of the Earth

ojaipizzaLeave a comment

This is my second time going to Catalina Island for a camping trip at the little harbor, the first time was two years ago before the pandemic really affect the travel policy. It was a little stressful before I went on the trip because I will be miss a lot of class. After I come back from the trip there will be two days of school and then Winter breaks will begin. In this case, every teacher decided to give a student test before the break started. I just took the AP Statistics test in class today, and I barely study. I mean I am already done applying to colleges, so I don’t think the rest of my grades will affect their decision.

I feel like I went back home when I went back to Catalina Island again. To be honest, there are not many fun activities can do on Catalina Island. We only do hiking and some activities at the beach. However, the place was just so quiet and beautiful which is why I love it so much. It might be boring if you go there by yourself, but going there with your best friends will be a totally different story. I love the places where I can hang out with my friends where no one is around interrupting us and we can truly be ourselves. It’s so nice I can come back again with my friends, and it probably still be one of my favorite places on Earth.

Photo Credit: Catalina Island

The Subtle Difference Between Living and Experiencing.

theycallmedameLeave a comment

Everything always seems to flow so quickly before me.
I feel like it was just yesterday I was a stumbling, mumbling, and awkward freshman.
It was just yesterday that I was lost
confused
scared
and lonely in a new place with new people and new feelings I had never witnessed before.
There is no distinct line
no significant bright flash
no abrupt change in events that separates all the past years from this one.
How did I get here?
Where did the time go?
Why did I not grip to those moments while they lasted?
And now I’m back.
Freshman and sophomore years are over.
Surreal summers have come and gone, flying past in an unreasonably quick wind.
It barely rustled my hair before it was gone, leaving still and stale air in its wake.
Now that there is no wind
no more cool breeze
the air is hot and suffocating.
It weighs down on me with a significant pressure
I am Atlas.
I am willed by others to be mature
respectable
in control of absolutely everything and anything I can be.
I am willed by myself to succeed
to be in control of what I can
to be happy instead of content.
I do not want to be responsible for everything else
if only to just live life.
I want to be responsible for myself
and experience life, not just mundanely live it.
I reach for the excitement that others only yearn for.
I want to explore the world
change lives
become a better person than anyone ever anticipated.
I want not to live up to others expectations
but to live up to and surpass my own.
I want to be free from others and myself.
I want to be happy,
I want to experience life,
I want to change lives.
I need to be me.