Every year, Halloween gets sadder and sadder, just like every holiday; it’s a reminder that I’m getting older, and next year these holidays will be as an adult, not a kid. This year was the second year I didn’t trick-or-treat, and the first year I didn’t go to my grandparents’ house with my family. All 3 of my siblings still have a few years left to trick-or-treat, and now I find more joy in seeing how happy they are to trick-or-treat. Giving gifts for the holidays is also more enjoyable now that I’m closer to being an adult, which I always thought I would like getting gifts more. This year, for all holidays, I have been hanging out with my friends way more because we’re all getting too old to celebrate holidays like we used to. Even though it’s sad, I still like the holidays as they are now, and I am excited for future ones.
I don’t think that Earth is a real place. Well, obviously it is real, but thinking deeply about it gives me anxiety and also the creeps. What do you mean we are on a floating rock in the middle of the dark, cold universe? None of it makes sense to me because this was never something that humans were supposed to know. How did we even figure out we can leave the planet.
Sometimes I walk down the street and notice certain people that actually ust dont seem real at all. It’s frightenting but its something I believe. It’s so interesting how humans created the life we had today. We made the Earth ours, killing species, putting oil and bad things into the Earth, basically ruining it. When there are such high class people that can control other people but then theres starving people who would do anything for water. You never know how priveleged you really are until you experience someone elses pain.
I love October. It’s my birthday month, Halloween, homecoming, and so many other fun things that make this time of year feel special. Once October passes, I tend to start feeling a little more down as winter approaches, so I’m trying to soak up every last bit of the warmer weather with four-day weekends, parties, and making as many memories as possible.
I’m hosting my birthday party this year, which is definitely stressful, but it’s also really exciting. Between the presents, having all my friends together, and getting to enjoy the atmosphere of being surrounded by the people I love most, it’s something I’m really looking forward to.
In my mind, October is all about me because it’s my birthday month. But in reality, so many people I love have birthdays in October too, and some even share the exact same birthday as me. It makes the month feel even more special because it’s not just about celebrating myself, but also celebrating the people who mean the most to me.
I hope 17 treats me better than 16 did and that this year ends up being the best one of my life. I want to make the most of every moment, create unforgettable memories, and soak up the last little bits of being a kid before I turn 18 and have to start thinking more seriously about adulthood, my future, and what comes next.
The end of junior year is coming up, and summer is right around the corner. I’m excited for senior year, but I’m not excited to have to start college essays and applications. I know that I’m most likely going to have senioritis because I already have it this year. I’m also already stressed about what college I’m gonna wanna go to because I want to stay in California, preferably Southern California. I would really like to be in LA, but not in the middle of LA. I’m also excited for this summer, even though I probably won’t be doing very much or going anywhere, but it will still be fun to go to the beach, tan, and surf. This summer, I probably won’t have that much free time, though, because of soccer season and work, which will probably take up a lot of my time this summer. I’m really excited to see how next year goes and to hang out with my friends this summer.
Living in the dorms is an entirely new experience for me. I have always enjoyed the privilege of living in the small town where I went to school, but that has all changed for me. My family moved away while I had one last year of high school to complete. I made the decision to finish high school where I started, becoming a dormer to do so.
My first week was a lot of adjusting. Living on a campus in the town where I had grown up was the biggest challenge. Wanting to go out and do what I had always done before left me feeling incredibly bored.
Additionally, I felt lonely. My lifelong friends, family, and others were all gone. I still have people I enjoy talking to, but the dynamic of my life has changed completely.
I have noticed that changing my personal life to adapt to the dorms has become the best help when adjusting. I try to maintain a schedule and focus on both school work and personal growth.
While the changes are challenging, they are temporary and are a good preparation for college and life beyond high school.
The thought of college is the only thing giving me the will to live, but actually doing the work to go to college is doing the exact opposite. I feel like the amount of work that students need to do to go to college is obscene. We have basically dedicated the past eighteen years of our lives just to get into college. Life feels like a never-ending cycle of doing work to be rewarded with even more work and responsibilities. After I finish college then I have to find an even harder job. I feel like I’m just not really a person who wants to have to do that. I’m sure that some people like their job, but I swear that the majority of people feel like it’s a little torturous. The world wasn’t made for people to be stuck in a strict daily schedule, but to live spontaneously and be free. Jobs definitely make people grow, but they also make people close-minded, a little brainwashed. I’m excited to finish high school, but really scared of the rest of my life.
This weekend I’m going to my friend’s homecoming, and I’m just really stressed out. I forgot that she had invited me two months ago, so I ordered my dress a week ago. It arrived yesterday, which is two days before, and I kind of hate it. I have so much work that I need to catch up on, and I feel like homecoming is just going to take over my weekend. I also have no idea what time the dance starts and ends, and I really don’t like not having plans. We are supposed to get ready with a group of girls before, and I have never met at least half of them, so that’s probably going to be awkward. Even though I’m nervous, I’m still excited because we are getting ready at our friend’s house, who is now in college, as her sister is having people over to get ready. My friends and I have already claimed to get prepared in our friend’s room, which is in college, because it would honestly be disrespectful if someone else who wasn’t us got ready in her room. I am manifesting that everything goes well tomorrow because I just see a lot of things that could go wrong.
I love reading so much. I have never loved a book more than the Throne of Glass series. I recommend that book to anyone and everyone. I am reading the Everflame series now and it’s good but I’m having a hard time finishing it because nothing could ever be as good as Throne of Glass. I genuinely got through the whole 8 book series in 3 months which is weird because I have never liked reading until now. There are literally no days that I don’t cry about Celaena waiting for Sam in the Assassins blade. Anyway, here are some of my favorite book quotes from TOG.
“I am Celaena Sardothian and I will not be afraid.”
“Once upon a time in a land long since burned to ash, there lived a princess who loved her kingdom.”
“This girl wasn’t like wildfire – she was wildfire. Deadly and uncontrollable.”
“You do not yield.”
“To whatever end, Fireheart.”
“Even when this world is a forgotten whisper of dust between the stars, I will always love you.”
“The world will be saved and remade by the dreamers.”
“It was all borrowed time anyway.”
“Nameless is my price.”
“She was fire, she was darkness, she was dust and blood and shadow.”
“You can not pick and choose which parts of her to love.”
After blogs after blogs of hoping for this, I really do think I’m on the up and up at this point. Or, at the very least, I think of a lot of the troubles I had before as rather silly now. I’m back to my nonchalance, go with the flow persona, so here are some things I will go back to doing.
Journal when I have time, not just whenever I’m in a cafe.
Sleep properly. I’m not going to sleep till 11pm because it looks like a reasonable time for most people. Not if I’m spending all day yawning and stretching, having heavy lids the whole evening, until I stay up till 11pm again just to catch up on what I needed to do before.
Use Soluna. It’s a mental health/self-improvement app that I’ve recently been recommended. It has mini motivational articles, options to reach out to coaches, but what I’m sure to use most are the tools they have. They have breathing exercises, white noise, etc. enhanced by visuals, which for whatever reason makes me feel more motivated to use them. Actually check it out if your in the 13-25 age range, it’s going to change your life.
Remind myself what I really have. Yes, I need to be cautious when considering my future and what may limit it. And plenty of people like to hammer that point in. But honestly, those who find that much of a need to eulogize me to my living face must be haunted by their own demons in a way. Either they are desperate for me not to have the same fate, or they seek to fill me with the same despair they have. So no matter what, I’m going to be whoever suits me best.
(This isn’t an actual letter I sent to anyone. These are just things I would like to say if they would be accepted)
Dear [no-name],
So far I already got into 4 UCs and one of them is a full ride, so please don’t tell me my only option is community college. Or that I was foolish for not applying to any beforehand. That, when I was worried about not being able to go to college at all, you said I was classist to expect what you’d gotten. And to be clear, I know you lied on the spot when you said you were smart enough to apply to community colleges at my age, since before you said the only colleges you got accepted to were UC Santa Cruz and Emerson. It would be a miracle if any community college were to reject someone like you, when they’re legally mandated to accept petty felons.
You might hope that you’d help me, but here are some ways I wish you’d help. I wish you’d understand that there are four years between the last time we actually lived together, and I’ve lived on my own the whole time. My high school experience has been much more open, you might even call it crunchy, than what you, our family, or even most of our people get to experience. That’s part of why I got different priorities than what you might consider natural. In fact, so many of my expectations on how humans work are shattered by the great people around me, because most people aren’t so Confucian that they deny themselves of experiencing joy or equality. They respect me and everyone else on the basis that we’re people. It’s not something that must be earned, and it’s not the opposite of preparing someone for the real world, or whatever you say to excuse yourself.
And since you tell me you never mean anything you say, then can you perhaps not take what our family and I say as personal attacks? Because no offense, but whenever you tell me I’m unprepared to be an adult, I feel you’re a pot and I’m the kettle in the situation.
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