Hibernation

The return of spring is when the world returns from the dead
Or – it is so for the black bear
It creeps on its claws towards the mouth
Of the tomb, which the crumbling dirt enclosing all
Caressed the bear as it rested
It would be miraculous for it to come to life
But the immaculate, sterile state of the newborn world
Would be unearthly to the black bear
When the grime was its own closed world for so long
Recollections of the outside leaked in the time since


Perhaps the outside is too clean
Too white in its naive snow
For one so long in the dirt
Or even, that the air is not so fresh
But packed with strife
And noise and human eyes


Is there anything that can force an animal of instinct
To sink, continue, down and still
Under the earth


But awaking again-
Feeling the fur-soft grass beneath paws
Hearing the birds chirping like bells away from daily bullets
Seeing all the other creatures who
In the same place, awaken again year after year
That is what makes it worthwhile
That the black bear’s instincts make it fall and rise
Neverending

PC:Google

Danville

(Normally when I write poems I imagine created scenarios like “What if a speaker leaves her kidnapper for the moon,” or “What if a speaker roasts a stealthing girl for completely unpersonal reasons.” This poem totally, definitely is the same.)

PC:Google

Do you remember the last time we walked
Through our high school on the hill
After hours and empty?
It always felt like a dream
Shadows creeping acutely far
Never before seen by student eyes
But think, so many lived here,
Someone every day was wandering
Stray people like stray animals
We had roads, just for ourselves


Do you remember how we might meet,
Or run into the other
Outside dorms
We exchanged words, treats, as acquaintances
And I cupped my hands to take a world’s granted abundance


I remember that pitch tar night
Or that overlight room
When I coughed
Out the most pointless goodbye in the world.
If I returned, would I find it
All the same, wax stuck
I seem to have a knack, in eternally returning


Or, like the footprints
Are they all gone?

Bloody Knuckles and Shards of Glass

I’ve always wanted people to be afraid of hurting me. I put up a wall around myself. I hurt people before they can hurt me because I’m so afraid to be left or called out or cheated. In reality, I am the one who leaves and insults people and cheats. I want to be a good person and I want to make other people feel good. I wish I had the self-control just to be quiet sometimes. But I don’t. I’m loud and annoying and I take up more space than I should. I’ve wanted to be a better person since I was a little kid. Since my mom told me the reason I don’t have any friends is because I am so mean. She is right. My dad told me I was like him and I would have to learn to change my personality. I would hate myself if I met me. I want to be deserving of all the love I have, but I’m not. 

PC:Google

Childhood

i am overcome with missing people 

i miss my old self 

before life happened 

i miss my old friends 

i miss my old family

i miss the boys i used to love

i miss the smile on my innocent face 

but most of all i miss the feeling that came with that smile. 

i didn’t even know what was to come 

a ran around with bare feet, gapped teeth, and skinned knees 

but i never cared 

i never even noticed 

i miss those summers by the pool 

i miss the security of those hugs 

the way i melted into their arms 

i always wanted to grow up and i never understood why people said stay young 

but i get it now 

all i wish for is to go back 

back to the sun on my cheeks and the light in my eyes. 

Pc- my mom circa 2010

Spring sports

As the winter sports season ends, the spring season has started. At first, the school allowed me to do both Golf and Track and field. However, they changed their mind and thought it would be unfair for the golfers since I would just be taking their spots in the league final while they work hard to earn the spots. Therefore, I have switched back to golf and left track since there will be a bigger chance to win the league final champion in golf. Last year, we took back home 2nd place, we were 1st place after the first 9 holes, but lost in the back 9. Track was great, with the new coach that broke multiple records for his college and coached many athletes to all-American and D1 offers. I was planning on running 100 meters since I was the fastest among the sprinters. There won’t be as many track meets this year, since the coaches have to go to a camping trip during the 2 track meets, so I preferred golf since I will be playing more.

pc: https://www.google.com/url?sa=i&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.nytimes.com%2F2023%2F02%2F09%2Fsports%2Fgolf%2Fpga-phoenix-open-liv.html&psig=AOvVaw3EeHWn-gizr4c6M74jZkMx&ust=1741794090422000&source=images&cd=vfe&opi=89978449&ved=0CBQQjRxqFwoTCKjhk-WugowDFQAAAAAdAAAAABAE

more Sports

As the spring season arrives after the team’s defeat in the basketball playoffs, I will be joining both track and golf for this season. During this season, I will mainly go to track for practices and meets. As for golf, I will still be playing in the games and league finals for the team but not going to the golf practices as often this year. I am excited for this season since I haven’t trained for track for a while. Last year, the spring season didn’t feel as competitive because I only did golf. However, with the new coach this season, who broke the record in his college when he was still a student, plus who coached multiple All-American athletes who are now in D1, I am truly excited for the new coaching system and will finish this year strong. There will be 6 track meets this season. The first one will be held on the 7th of March. I am planning on being a sprinter and running 200 and 400. My goal is to run 100 meters and be the fastest on the team.

pc: https://www.google.com/url?sa=i&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.nbcnews.com%2Fnews%2Fweekend-rundown-aug-4-rcna164952&psig=AOvVaw1OFHHXFJ89atuS1jRpe31Q&ust=1739682355130000&source=images&cd=vfe&opi=89978449&ved=0CBQQjRxqFwoTCLijkfnzxIsDFQAAAAAdAAAAABAE

Hey I Like My Dad

Yeah I’m going there. I am willing as a teenager to express gratitude, and other positive emotions. Because dang it, we have no predetermined purpose and cynicism has been trending since Franz Ferdinand was shot. While there are many people who would like to make our troubles worse by complaining, complaining and complaining in their everyday life, I would like to do something more helpful to myself by, perhaps, being satisfied with what I have in life. So here is a nice and accurate, but not exhaustive, list of the things I love that my dad does for me, since I know plenty of dads don’t bother with the least of what he does.

  1. He always drives six hours roundtrip to pick me up. It was only this year that he stopped taking days off work just to get me on Fridays, since his company didn’t like he was out of work so often.
  2. He gets me the best snacks. My dad works for H-Mart. That’s the company that tightened its leash on him, so he’s not exactly flowing in cash. But what he is flowing in is coupons. My dad never lacks in giving me free treats, the sorts I can never find in most grocery stores nowadays. I always wait to refill my childhood memories.
  3. He gets free Starbucks too, and always gives them to me.
  4. He gives me strategies for growing up. My dad sometimes felt like the bad cop growing up, especially when my sister and I were used to our mom doting on us. But it turned out parenting is a balance between the old adage of “you can do anything you set your mind to” and telling your children about those who seek to take that away from them. My mom is the dreamspinner, my dad is the postwar cynic. Huh, maybe I have to give those postmodern critics some credit.
  5. He has the oddest sense of humor. It’s not dad jokes exactly, but it’s hard to describe. It’s a little funky, maybe a bit something like out of a Taika Waititi production, which certainly explains my taste in media.

I’ve been worrying about what I could have left in the coming years. I consider myself an average, perhaps lucky person, but luck doesn’t run as far as it used to. I sense that if things were to go haywire there would be many fronts for “these unprecedented times” to attack me on, because I already see others being persecuted for those same things lol. But since half a person’s salt comes from their dad, I’m glad I have his principles and taste in comedy to weather the storm with.

PC: Google

snow

I’ve always loved the snow. I’ve spent hours admiring its sparkle and purity. Going to the mountains was always a time of peace in my family. We all loved it; it brought us together. The smell of the mountain air and the trials of learning to snowboard and ski. My brother held my hands as I tried to balance down bunny hill. the condo we shared with friends. Every year, we came back. The weather would change and even the people sometimes, but the feeling stayed the same. The anticipation of the drive and the excitement of the first morning. The only times we were happy to wake up early were those mornings, that week, that place. Bruises from falling but we were still smiling. The sparkle in my young innocent eyes matched the sparkle in the snow. I think about these moments often, I breath in and smell the fresh air and the coldness on my cheeks.

pc – google

Half-Resolutions

I was never one to make resolutions for the new year specifically. If I wanted to make a change in my life, I would do it that moment, and cease it in two weeks like anyone else who makes resolutions. But I feel like I finally have time to take extra care of myself in the next six months, so maybe some resolutions for half a year would do me good.

  1. Either read a chapter or watch a tv episode everyday.
    • Don’t fret about whether what I read is a beloved classic or modern slop, when most classics originally were the slop of their day.
  2. Go on a run once per weekend.
    • Don’t feel bad about not doing it twice.
  3. Leave some more time to myself where I can do nothing, and that would be fine.
  4. Sleep before 11pm even on weekends.
    • I have never felt more that the world had turned itself around than when I learned that sleep requirements differ by sex. Women need to sleep more than men, but the oft repeated 7-8 hours of sleep a night is only based around the time men need to be healthy. And for years I wondered why I was so drowsy.
  5. Enforce the time limit on my phone.
    • The four weeks I spent without one were some of the strangest in my life, but I can’t say some part of me didn’t feel relieved in some way.
  6. Read the news, but don’t doomscroll.
    • I need to cut the tough balance between understanding exactly what my position in the world is, and retaining the drive to break out of it.
  7. Don’t wait for the right time to do something, but start on what I need to do once I can.

At this moment in time I feel I’m on a precipice. Anything that seems quaint or mundane now might be something I’ll miss very soon. I think on what could have been, what I must do now, what is even worth doing now in the time I have left. I wonder if I’m more or less satisfied than what I should be, or what is common for others who are in my position. But maybe if I can live more in the little things, beyond what is considered likely to yield products or prestige, then I can feel I’m back in my peak.

PC: Google

Senior quotes i didn’t use

“The devil couldn’t reach me so he gave me passion without talent”

“Lie still my beating heart”  – Grandma Bell

“Somewhere between iconic and psychotic”

“I’d like to thank me for believing in me” -Snoop Dogg

“Imprinted on my soul and burned into my skin”

“Look at the sky tonight all of the stars have a reason” – Lil Peep

“We were taught to fear witches, but not the people who burned them alive”

“It was all part of the story, even the scary nights” -Kanye West

“One day I will have everything I prayed for. I really believe it”

“She overcame everything that was meant to destroy her”

“I have to be successful because I like expensive things”

“It was the chaos that made her beautiful”

“Rose from the ashes and danced in the fire”

“Were all addicts struggling with the drug of our choice”

“Were just kids, were not supposed to be heroes”

“Just because I carry it well doesn’t mean it’s not heavy”

“A big part of who I am is who I am not”

“We are writers. We dont cry, we bleed on paper”

“She was an open book, he was illiterate.”

“We drink the poison our minds feed us and wonder why we feel sick”

“Even with wings of wax I would fly to you”

“I would rather die of passion than boredom” – Van Gogh

PC: my Pinterest explore page