Tag: personal

Girlhood

justthatonegirllLeave a comment

Girlhood is the best and the worst thing that can happen to anyone. I love girlhood so much, but I really hate girlhood at the same time. Girlhood is getting ready with your friends for something exciting, but girlhood is also not getting invited to things you really want to be at. Girlhood is screaming songs at the top of your lungs living like nothing else is relevant. Girlhood is having your late night hot tub talks with your best friends. What is girlhood? Girlhood is happiness, sadness, and everything else in between all mixed together. I feel as if I have not experienced enough in my life that events and people are stopping me. I want to experience girlhood with a group of friends who I enjoy being around. Sometimes finding the people is hard. As a teenage girl emotions are all over the place. One second you are having the best time of your life and the next you are wondering why you were not invited to something. Finding the best group of friends is the hardest part. Some girls are clicky and there is no way they will welcome anyone into anything they have going on. Others are too opened right from the start. And some you just are so unaware how to approach the situation. As someone who goes to a small private boarding school finding people is hard. There are the day students and the dorming students. Practically separate for me. The dorming students all live together so it is really hard to bond with them. I am also the only girl day student in my entire grade so that separates me off from them a bit. There is absolutely no connection. The senior class has some of the sweetest people you will ever meet but they are super hard to connect with besides a few who I actually have connected with. The connections made with some of the senior girls creates a stone in my path of navigating through girlhood. I went to a concert with 2 of the senior girls and just relating and bonding over music created a core memory in my path along girlhood. The bonds created with people while experiencing girlhood is undescribable. Recently my best friend and I have a fallout which was definitely a hardship through girlhood. After over a month of us on non speaking terms she stepped up and reached out to me. So many people are telling me so many different things. Some are saying “don’t be friends with her again,” some are saying, “you should definitely try to reconnect with her.” So of course I went to dinner with her. Right from the start it was immediately not awkward. We went to dinner and were at the dinner for 3 hours catching up on eachothers lives. Not talking to my best friend of 10 years for a whole month is crazy to think about. That is girlhood. The best friends that last a lifetime. The ones who stay even after the biggest argument and still love each other. That is what girlhood means to me. Everyone gets jealous over someone else’s life at some point in time but why waste time being upset over something that won’t matter later in life and just live in the moment. Some words I saw and will never forget are, “its everyone’s first time living to not just yours.”

PC: Me

Shopping Addict

justthatonegirllLeave a comment

If I had a bad addiction it would definitely be shopping. My shopping addiction is getting out of hand. Girl math creates a bigger issue for my shopping problem. Let me explain. Girl math is if a sweater I want is 100 dollars that is like 10 dollars per wear is I wear it 10 times. If I wear it more than it is technically free or has a discount. If I decide to go to erewhon one day and by a Hailey Beiber smoothie they that is worth like 4 starbucks trips so I won’t go to starbucks for 4 days. From experiencing this first hand, I can let you know not this live and think like this. So shopping…. my biggest love in life is my clothes. I just love clothes with everything I have in me. When I step into a shop I really like I get out of hand my brain starts moving at 100 miles an hour and I blackout. By the time I hit the dressing room I start to plan what shirt goes with what pants, what do I need to buy so I can make this shirt I am so obsessed with 10x cuter than it is, and what do I have at home that will perfect this item. My shopping addiction is definitely better than having a full blow addiction because I can control it and set boundaries for myself. That is not so say it is not still an issue. I went shopping probably about a month ago 2 weeks in a row… that is not allowed to happen again. I had to set a limit for my self that I was not allowed to go shopping for 2 months now. And right this second I am thinking I should go shopping before dance to get another pair of lulu dance pants. I have my reasons. Anyways this is just my rant about how I need to stop shopping and get a better hobbie for myself. Love you all bye!

PC: Me

My future plan.

justthatonegirllLeave a comment

To think about what the future holds is daunting. The me one year ago would have no idea what to think of my life today. As everyone gets older life gets harder. Loved ones pass, and people come and go in the lives we all have. As a person who overthinks so much, I of course already have a blueprint of the future I want for myself. I spend hours on Pinterest scrolling through the lives of others building up a plan. My future life will have to be aesthetic duh…just kidding. The future I want for myself does consist of “perfection,” but the faults in life will bleed through ruining the idea of a “perfect” life. This is how I want it. Of course, I will like for my life to be cute but I want others around me to realize not everything in life is perfect and everyone has their own faults and issues occuring. Anyway, enough with reality. I romanticize what college I will attend, leading into my lifelong career to support the family I want for myself. I am not really sure where I want to live but I have many ideas. Maybe somewhere the leaves will turn brown and at the least an hour or two away from some form of a beach. Something extremely personally important to me in my plan is for my kids to not have to go through childhood as I did. With this I want to take my skills I have now implement my skills into things for college and create the best life I can give to myself. Anyways since I have been sick I have been on Pinterest a lot so I have been obv making a Pinterest board about it so I thought I would write about it. Bye!

PC: me

I am going to college!

poofypuffyLeave a comment

I have applied to three schools so far, and I don’t plan on applying to more. One is the school my dad went to. Another one is a school I toured and loved when visiting family. One sends me an admission decision in December, but two of them are rolling decision. I got an acceptance during Spudfest, and I got the acceptance to the second school today! I was tired this morning because I woke up at five, but I was wide awake after I got the acceptance. I was over the moon about it the whole day, because I’ve been imagining myself leaving home and going off to college, and now it seems like so much more of a concrete reality. The fact that one chapter of my life is ending and another will start soon is staring me in the face. That truth is now unquestionable and undeniable. I can’t wait.

Picture Credit: Steinar Engeland

What’s The Purpose?

godgoldngloryLeave a comment

Just putting it out there, this is not me trying to be emo. However, recently, I have been thinking about the purpose of a lot of things that we as humans do. Like, what is the point? Why, in my case, am I stressing myself out so much this year by taking hard classes? I can still have a future with a simpler Moodle home page, but I so intensely crave the academic validation I get through seeing a good grade next to a hard class. But, at the same time, there is genuinely no point to a lot of any of it. Such a philosophy can also be applied to other aspects of life. It can even go as far as what is the meaning of life, which is a whole separate rant. I don’t know, I just have been feeling lately, with everything I do, that I theoretically have no reason to be doing it. I guess I always just revert back to “do everything to live my life to the fullest doing things that make me happy.” It’s not a horrible place to be, but I just can’t shake the feeling that there is more for me out there than simply graduating high school, going to college, starting to work for the next 50 years of my life, retiring, and that’s it. I don’t know, I always ask myself why that seems to be the trajectory of life that a lot of people fall into. Just seems a little monotonous to me. But, if not that, then what?

PC: https://cf.bstatic.com/xdata/images/hotel/max1024x768/401230348.jpg?k=2673212b64d7ef9ed3f135ba7b70a438225b8d63a009c2e1150f687501c75d0f&o=&hp=1

Sports

leapingwaterLeave a comment

I have never really been interested in sports, especially when I was younger. I never played a sport seriously, nor did I have any interest in watching it either. I think the reason why I overall completely avoided sports was because I felt like I couldn’t do it. I felt like every time that I tried to play sports in elementary school I just didn’t have the “skill.” This was a pretty negative way of thinking. I didn’t want to try. I didn’t have any motivation to, just because I thought I was not going to improve if I was not good at it immediately. This caused me to not branch out and try to find something I liked, which actually applied to other areas in my life involving skill as well. I simply lost motivation way too easily. When Covid hit and online school started, I hardly ever exercised. I thought sports weren’t for me. When I first joined my current school, I was nervous about all of the sports options. There were so many things that I hadn’t tried before. I heard many of the girls in my grade that were joining volleyball, and because I didn’t know what else to do, I joined it as well. When I first began to play volleyball, I was very discouraged. I started putting more effort in, and even though I was so terrible, I enjoyed it. I was excited to go to practice. I would talk to parents about it, and how happy and nervous I was to play in a real game. It is my third year playing volleyball, and although I am still in the JV team (and not good at all), I am so thankful that I first tried playing it.

Also, at the end of September, my best friend and I went to go see a baseball game that she invited me to. I have actually been to one baseball game when I was younger, but I can’t remember very much about it. My best friend first invited me to go during the summer, and we were so excited and ready for the day to come. When we arrived, just being in the environment with so many people passionate about this sport made it all the more exciting. We got into the stadium, and my best friend bought both of us matching jackets! I hadn’t even seen the baseball field yet and I was so happy. I had such an amazing time there watching the game with my best friend who made it even more special, and there was even a fireworks show afterwards. I’m really happy that I have come to appreciate not only playing sports, but watching them too.

pc: me

Advanced Procrastination

kittenqueen3Leave a comment

Last night, I talked to my mom about how I used to be an academic weapon, and now I’m an academic victim. This is due to procrastination. I can make up the best excuses for not doing my homework. I used to just go on my phone, clean my room, or maybe make food. But recently, I have been getting advanced in my procrastination strategies. Now, instead of that, I will do an assignment from a different class instead of the one I need to do. I tell myself it’s not procrastinating because I’m getting work done. I actually need to stop doing this, especially with world notes, because it has caused me to do poorly on SAQs, and I also still haven’t done notes from like 2 weeks ago. Overall I’m pretty behind in all my classes, but at the end of the day, I usually get things in on time, but it’s extremely stressful. Last week we had a notebook check, and I was up till 3 a.m. doing notes. Anyway, it’s Thursday and this isn’t due until Friday so technically, I didn’t procrastinate this one.

“Png man running late“/ CC0 1.0

Feeling Butterflies

justthatonegirllLeave a comment

The butterfly effect is affecting my life. One small change and my whole life is different. New doors opened. New relationships are forming. And new butterflies flutter around in my life. The feeling as if butterflies are flying around inside of me. I feel like running through an open field of happiness. Sadness fled through the field at one point but now the field has drained. New things are coming into the field of happiness. There will always be flood and downpour but sunny days come of it. My mind and me urge to find the good in everything and everyone. I found the good. The good people come to those that wait. The good memories come to those who wait. Even if this is not the peak moment in life…Live as if it was. Feel the butterflies swarming inside of you when you try new things. Let the bad occurrences in life become the butterfly effect. Let the butterfly effect lead you to the happiness. From the butterfly effect comes with loss but a gain in the end. Recently the butterflies inside of me have been overwhelmed of nerves, excitement, and stress. The nerves come from new beginnings. The excitement comes from the recurring dates with the person who makes me so happy right now. And the stress comes from the problems all around. Personally the feeling of excitement or happiness is the best butterfly feeling. The butterfly effect causes the feeling of butterflies from within.

PC: Me

My love

kittenqueen3Leave a comment

I don’t think I could live without my phone. It’s genuinely so motivating. The first thing I do in the morning is check my phone, and the last thing I do is check my phone. There is nothing I spend more time on throughout the day than my phone. My mom is making me turn in my phone at 10:30 now because she says I’m a “screenager,” what she doesn’t understand is why I use it so much. I honestly don’t like people at my school very much there are a few good ones, but overall, most of my friends are out of school, and a lot live in Ventura. The people at OVS are just not similar to me, and I’ve never had a large group of school friends. I go to school and do my work and then go home, and that’s it. This is besides the point, my screen time, my most used application is Snapchat. I use Snapchat seven hours a day on average. The majority of my time on snap, I am communicating with my friends, and this is something that is extremely important to me. As a person who lives in Ojai and has no weekday free time, texting is what keeps my outside-of-school friendships alive. My weekly screen time average is 13 hours, and that’s probably an issue, but I love my phone. I can not live without music, and my Spotify screen time is one hour. My phone keeps me going, and I don’t know what I would do without it. I hope my mom forgets to take my phone.

Pc; Me

Goodbyes

justthatonegirllLeave a comment

Goodbyes are tough. Goodbyes are vigorous. Goodbyes are sickening. To say goodbye or not have the chance to say goodbye is going to be heavy either way. Losing a family member and not having the chance to say what you wanted to them creates guilt. The guilt that is felt when not having the chance to say goodbye is difficult. Depending on situations goodbyes differ from person to person. Personally within less than one month I did not get to say what I wanted to my lost family member but I did not get to say goodbye to my still living best friend in the time she knew I needed her. So this is my formal goodbye to each of whom I loved with my whole heart. I am going to begin with my goodbye to my uncle right now. My goodbye to my uncle is not an eternal goodbye but a goodbye till we see eachother again. I have no answers for when the time will be when I finally see you in heaven again but I know it will be good. So for now this is a goodbye and a remembrance that you will always be in my heart. I will forever think about your opinion on any boy I bring into my life in a more than friend type of way. On christmas 2022 I finally got the LED lights I had been begging for at my moms house. My uncle being who he is, only caring to make the kids in his life happy and hung my LED lights up for me to perfection and when I say perfection I mean like extremely perfect. The night my uncle died when the paramedics pulled him into my room and broke the LED lights he was so happy to hang for me breaks my heart. I do not normally cry about heavy topics around anyone especially my family. Talking to my mom about the broken LED lights and breaking down seems so stupid but it is truly what I think of when I think of his kindness and love for the people around him. Now my second goodbye to someone who is still alive and did not move away… Her and I did everything together. Where I went she went. Well that’s how it was for a while. There had already been hurt before the fallout but what the fallout did bring was disheartening. During the long winding roads of this friendship there was connection, disagreements, and love. I never got to say goodbye to our friendship but I never wanted to nor thought I would ever have to. Now that it has officially ended it is almost as if I have connected the dots. My friend would never be content with the friendship we had. There would always be better friends and I would always be her second pick. I was always there for her but was she always there for me? Does she feel the same hurt as I do? Was throwing a whole friendship out really worth it to her? I am not really sure to be honest. I would rather keep that question unanswered if I have to feel and hear the hatred and the violent words splurged again. The goodbye she gave makes me genuinely question everything. If she really valued the friendship we had would she have ended it in such an aggressive approach? I am not sure if it was purposeful but the ending of our friendship made me replay every moment as a slideshow. She cut me down to step on me as if I was something she could simply regrow once she needed me again, this time I will not resprout. I will not run back to her as I did every time before. Her words cut deep but my wounds healed back thicker. I can not live with the constant control and judgement she gave to me. But I can live with the memories we had together. I think this might have been the best moment and time to move on, to heal, and to grow. For each of us. I am not sure if she is as hurt by the situation as I am and forever will be but I have found the clarity to forgive and forget. I will forever think of her as my sister and I will forever think highly of her. For now, I am not sure were the future leads to. I am not sure if we will ever reconnect in a positive light but I want her to know I will always care for her and be happy for her even if she can not do the same for me. So for as of now and there seems to be an end at my words of goodbye. I am not sure if we will ever agree on who was in the wrong in our situation. I feel as if us parting was almost for the best, for each of us. I have so much more to say but in ways that are unable to express in any form. So with that I will consider this a goodbye to each of whom I wrote about and love to the world’s end. Goodbye.

PC:me