I don’t think I could live without my phone. It’s genuinely so motivating. The first thing I do in the morning is check my phone, and the last thing I do is check my phone. There is nothing I spend more time on throughout the day than my phone. My mom is making me turn in my phone at 10:30 now because she says I’m a “screenager,” what she doesn’t understand is why I use it so much. I honestly don’t like people at my school very much there are a few good ones, but overall, most of my friends are out of school, and a lot live in Ventura. The people at OVS are just not similar to me, and I’ve never had a large group of school friends. I go to school and do my work and then go home, and that’s it. This is besides the point, my screen time, my most used application is Snapchat. I use Snapchat seven hours a day on average. The majority of my time on snap, I am communicating with my friends, and this is something that is extremely important to me. As a person who lives in Ojai and has no weekday free time, texting is what keeps my outside-of-school friendships alive. My weekly screen time average is 13 hours, and that’s probably an issue, but I love my phone. I can not live without music, and my Spotify screen time is one hour. My phone keeps me going, and I don’t know what I would do without it. I hope my mom forgets to take my phone.
Goodbyes are tough. Goodbyes are vigorous. Goodbyes are sickening. To say goodbye or not have the chance to say goodbye is going to be heavy either way. Losing a family member and not having the chance to say what you wanted to them creates guilt. The guilt that is felt when not having the chance to say goodbye is difficult. Depending on situations goodbyes differ from person to person. Personally within less than one month I did not get to say what I wanted to my lost family member but I did not get to say goodbye to my still living best friend in the time she knew I needed her. So this is my formal goodbye to each of whom I loved with my whole heart. I am going to begin with my goodbye to my uncle right now. My goodbye to my uncle is not an eternal goodbye but a goodbye till we see eachother again. I have no answers for when the time will be when I finally see you in heaven again but I know it will be good. So for now this is a goodbye and a remembrance that you will always be in my heart. I will forever think about your opinion on any boy I bring into my life in a more than friend type of way. On christmas 2022 I finally got the LED lights I had been begging for at my moms house. My uncle being who he is, only caring to make the kids in his life happy and hung my LED lights up for me to perfection and when I say perfection I mean like extremely perfect. The night my uncle died when the paramedics pulled him into my room and broke the LED lights he was so happy to hang for me breaks my heart. I do not normally cry about heavy topics around anyone especially my family. Talking to my mom about the broken LED lights and breaking down seems so stupid but it is truly what I think of when I think of his kindness and love for the people around him. Now my second goodbye to someone who is still alive and did not move away… Her and I did everything together. Where I went she went. Well that’s how it was for a while. There had already been hurt before the fallout but what the fallout did bring was disheartening. During the long winding roads of this friendship there was connection, disagreements, and love. I never got to say goodbye to our friendship but I never wanted to nor thought I would ever have to. Now that it has officially ended it is almost as if I have connected the dots. My friend would never be content with the friendship we had. There would always be better friends and I would always be her second pick. I was always there for her but was she always there for me? Does she feel the same hurt as I do? Was throwing a whole friendship out really worth it to her? I am not really sure to be honest. I would rather keep that question unanswered if I have to feel and hear the hatred and the violent words splurged again. The goodbye she gave makes me genuinely question everything. If she really valued the friendship we had would she have ended it in such an aggressive approach? I am not sure if it was purposeful but the ending of our friendship made me replay every moment as a slideshow. She cut me down to step on me as if I was something she could simply regrow once she needed me again, this time I will not resprout. I will not run back to her as I did every time before. Her words cut deep but my wounds healed back thicker. I can not live with the constant control and judgement she gave to me. But I can live with the memories we had together. I think this might have been the best moment and time to move on, to heal, and to grow. For each of us. I am not sure if she is as hurt by the situation as I am and forever will be but I have found the clarity to forgive and forget. I will forever think of her as my sister and I will forever think highly of her. For now, I am not sure were the future leads to. I am not sure if we will ever reconnect in a positive light but I want her to know I will always care for her and be happy for her even if she can not do the same for me. So for as of now and there seems to be an end at my words of goodbye. I am not sure if we will ever agree on who was in the wrong in our situation. I feel as if us parting was almost for the best, for each of us. I have so much more to say but in ways that are unable to express in any form. So with that I will consider this a goodbye to each of whom I wrote about and love to the world’s end. Goodbye.
I never really found writing at any time fun. Recently writing has captured and taken over my entire life. If you want to become a part of my thoughts my writing is where you should be. When I write I express the bad the good and the in-between of my feelings. Sometimes my feelings are extremely deep and sometimes they are me ranting about my love for Pinterest. I really have found a love for writing. I have recently found a love for words that explain how I feel descriptively. I am not sure what writing has opened up for me but it is weird. I love it. I love the feeling after I finish something I am really proud of but I feel disappointed when I can not put my all in the the words I put out for people to see. I want people to feel the same as how my writing expresses itself. Once I produce writing I am proud of I don’t really care what other people think of it. I like it. I don’t care if people think I am bad at writing because it is fun and therapeutic. When my fingers hit the keyboard words flow out like a rainstorm and the pattering of the keys sounds as if the rain is dropping on the roof of my house. Writing has opened my creative thinking and opened me up to a new world. I like writing with no plot at all just writing and ranting. When my fingers start to type my thoughts overrun the speed of my fingers. I keep thinking of more and more to write without becoming completely off-topic. I just can not say some of the things I write verbally so I type them instead. Anyways that is my rant on writing I love it.
Recently, I have noticed a negative pattern in my personal life. Frequently, events have been occurring that impact me in negative ways. The overall trajectory of the mood has been way more on the adverse side, and I’m not exactly sure why. However, I believe I reacted appropriately and wasn’t completely gloomy. I think if such a pattern were to occur about three or more years ago, I would not react the same as I do to things of the sort today. Back then, I would get upset that the world wasn’t acting in accordance with my overall pleasure, and I would view it as unfair. I mean, every child, to some degree, complains with the phrase, “But that’s not fair!” I think part of that confusion stems from a lack of knowledge and experience, which led me to where I am now with an overall different approach to the situation.
I believe it to be part of my belief system, now in my life, that everything happens for a reason. Such a perspective has changed my life and overall boosted my positivity, even in traditionally negative times. The faith that everything happens for a reason can morph a bad event into something possibly good for the future. It also promotes less overthinking about personal error or the fault of others in your life. Those mindset changes have made me more aware of my response to things in my life, especially when they are negative. I think I have come a long way from my younger self, and I truly believe that it can be partially credited to the switch in my perspective on the occurances of my everyday life.
I hate being the bigger person. It’s so frustrating trying to be a better person when you’re arguing with children. No, not literal children I’m talking about children who physically grew up but mentally well let’s just say adult conversations aren’t their thing. Yes being the bigger person is the right way to go but I would love to just lose my mind and scream like the children on the other side of the conversation.
You’re probably thinking why not just stop don’t be the bigger person if it annoys you so much. Well, I’ve tried that it doesn’t work either. Once you’re known that way all of a sudden standing your ground is frowned upon. You’re moody, you’re overreacting, you’re a for lack of better words a B***H. It’s not fair. I want to be able to fight fire with fire instead of letting people walk all over me. I could easily drag your name through the dirt trust me, I have the information to do so but I choose not to. I’m done being the bigger person.
It’s been happening a lot recently with a special person in my life.
if you haven’t gotten it yet… that was sarcasm.
I don’t understand the allure of talking trash about someone. Can’t we all just be like grown men and agree not to like each other, punch it out, or something. It’s so time-consuming for what? and the lying don’t even get me started on the lying. If you have been caught and multiple people have come up to me saying the same stuff who’s the one lying? All those people came up with that on their own??? No. I’m pretty sure you’re closest friends aren’t trying to ruin your life.
Also mad respect for those best friends who still defend the person being talked bad about or at least tell them. I respect you guys so much.
being the bigger person is probably something done by 1 out of 1 million people, and those people don’t get a choice to change. So if I have a bit of wisdom to share…
BE A CHILD.
the rest of the world already acts like one don’t give them the power to trash your name to your friends. If someone is talking about you the bigger person won’t do the same, even if they have the information they won’t state specifics they will get angry, yes but that’s it. Children continue the gossip circle so CUT IT OUT we’re in high school for god sake GROW UP.
Since most people can’t I’m telling all those REAL bigger people, not the ones who act like they are. Let them have it release that anger and show them what you’ve been holding back because I know it’s enough to make them cry. please humble them they need it.
First, ducks have small brains. I think it would be nice to just hang out in the water all day thinking about nothing but food. Actually not all day, like your whole life.
Secondly, ducks are cute.
Third: ducks can fly. I think it would be so nice to fly, so just be above everything and look at it from afar. Also, being high up is scary to me, to the point where it’s kind of exciting so I think flying would be cool.
Fourth of all, ducks are all-terrain. They can go in the air, land, or water. I think the water would be the best part, if not the sky. To just float in the cool water for your whole life would be so nice. No college applications. No class, no grades, no tests, no SATs. No worries, no stress, no hurt, no tears, no disgust, no listening to people cry and not being able to do anything about it.
Fifth of all, ducks look very soft. I just want to pet one so bad, but they don’t sound like very good pets because they poop everywhere. A duck would probably be happier in the wild anyway. Also, I have a cat that would definitely attack the duck.
She was one of the brightest souls I had ever met. Everyone knew her as someone who was always smiling, and howling with laughter at any moment. She simply just entirely enjoyed life, even the small moments. She raised my cousins, as their father was not always in their lives, and she made countless sacrifices for our family. She survived a heart attack, beat breast cancer, and would not give up. Never. For the past few years, at least since I really started growing up, she had been suffering from dementia. As a child, this confused me in a way, but I honestly did not think much of it. To me, it was who she was, and I loved her even though this illness began to grow worse.
I had always acknowledged the dementia, but I really began to realize that it was a problem once her memory reset went from every 10 minutes to 5 minutes, to about 20 seconds.
Even through these difficult moments, she always would make me and others have the biggest smiles on our faces. I miss always hearing her call me “ducky” (darling in English slang), and hearing her laugh, which you could quite literally hear from two doors down. She embodied joy.
The thing about my aunt is that she had a fear of missing out, of sorts. My family as well as the doctors were surprised she kept going despite being severely ill towards the end. She just simply did not want to go. She always wanted to be a part of the party, and she did so in every aspect of life. She did all sorts of crazy and adventurous things in her 82 years of life. She rode Harley’s, got tattoos in her 50s (one of many being Betty Boop), flew hot air balloons, owned an absolute zoo of animals, and had many more stories that she would tell if reminded of them.
I had never lost someone so close to me before. Seeing her for the first time in a while, in such a different state really made me reflect on life. I would sit with her in her hospital room, watching her sleep, unable to speak at all to me at times. It was only her and I. I began to realize that there are so many insignificant things that tend to bother us greatly in our everyday life, that simply just should not bother us at all. I realized the importance of the phrase “life is short.” It really is. Here in front of me was a woman who had done so many incredible things throughout her life, and she could not even remember any of them at this point. It was like all of her memories had been locked away, never to be touched again.
Looking back on these times, I realize this experience has changed me so much. My perspective has changed a lot. It’s very difficult to explain. My first time experiencing grief was so strange for me as well. I had never felt it. I heard someone say somewhere that grief is love with nowhere to go, which I can relate to. I still cannot totally comprehend that she is gone. She was there, and now only memories remain. Everyone should try to live every day to the fullest. To lead your life with genuine kindness and non-judgment, especially to yourself, is what she did, and that is truly a beautiful way to live.
Since we have been back at school so far, a lot has happened. The first week of school consisted of meeting an incredible amount of new people from all grades, getting back into dorm-living, and and having an overwhelming amount of homework. There was a camping trip last week, and now we are just approaching the end of the second academic week. I’ve been loading my plate up a lot recently, and I’m not quite sure if its the right thing to do. However, this stressful-ish energy has been motivating, in a way. It’s exciting because it reminds me of how many opportunities that high school can provide.
However, I feel as if school has been rushing past me all too quickly. I’ve been to many schools in my life, and lived in many places. It feels sometimes as if my life is on autopilot and I cannot slow down. Only yesterday does it feel like I was scrappily coloring, eating my peanut butter and jelly sandwich that had been tossed around in my bag, and coming home begging my parents to have more time to play Minecraft. Now, I’m held up to a standard, where everything in my life is more complex.
I know, thats quite literally what growing up is about, but I feel like it has all gone by too quickly. I might never get back living in such simpler times, where the only thing to worry about was what color crayon I was going to use, but I will always appreciate and feel grateful for how those moments shaped me and led to me becoming the person who I am now, and who I will continue to become in the future.
When the leaves turn crisp, brown, and fall I know something is coming… My favorite season. The start of what seems like new beginnings. When the leaves crumble and resprout so do I. In the fall the air is fresh of cinnamon, pumpkins, and pie. The beginning of the holidays with family and friends resume once again. Pumpkin tea with a side of Gilmore Girls. Outfits become cuter as the layering begins for the fast coming winter. A cute scarf to go with the most perfect pair of ugg slippers is almost as fall as it gets. As much as I love winter(only because of christmas and my birthday) I do love fall a little extra. The thought of being cozied up in a warm delightful bed watching seasonal movies and special episodes of my favorite shows. Cooking and baking with my favorite soul, as we watch the rain pour down through the window we briskly pour the batter into the pan. Another anticipated rainy day. As the fireplace crackles and the rain patters I read the most enrapturing book. As I lay in bed thoughts flood through, thoughts of love, romanticizing, and adoration. The way a faultless fall finishes must intend falling in love.
Clara and I met on orientation day of our junior year – she, a tanned exchange student from Brazil, and I, a nervous transfer from a school thirty minutes away. We sat next to one another in the media lab, logging into our school emails, and began to chat. “When’s your birthday?” she asked randomly, in an attempt at small talk. I told her “today.” She looked at me incredulously, decided I was joking, realized I was not, and then burst into wonderful, elated laughter. It was at this moment that I knew we were going to be friends.
Over the school year, we started to spend classes, breaks, weekends and even an entire break together. Clara saw me at my best and at my worst and loved me through it all. She was my number one cheerleader, especially when I ran for school president.
But it’s not just me and her other friends that Clara extends her love to. It’s to the unlikely people, the not reciprocating people, and the probably undeserving people that she does also. She wrote the boy that bullied her a heartfelt letter at the end of term, for example.
Clara’s love knows no bounds because she sees the beauty in everyone and everything, and it’s this that makes her so beautiful herself.
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