Tag: personal

carolina

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I’m choosing to write about my best friend this week. Most of my friends know who she is because she’s a pretty common topic of conversation for me. Carol is 17, she was born on May 31st, 2005. She is 5’5 and has long dark hair. Her eyes are the color of molasses and her cheeks are always pink. I’ve never loved someone outside of my mom, dad, or brother as much as I love Carol. Vaughn and Carol are good friends, she’s always nice to him even though he’s younger. She helped me see him as more of a friend than a sibling and I will always be grateful for that. My mom and dad love her, they always say that she’s the best friend I’ve ever had and if she ever needs somewhere to stay they will have her with open arms. Carol sleeps at my house every Friday after school and we haven’t missed more than two weekends for an entire year. We like to eat with my family and watch movies and play with my kitten. She never brings clothes and keeps a toothbrush in the cabinet. She smells like peaches. She makes me laugh harder than anyone I’ve ever met in my life. It often hurts because of how hard she makes me laugh. Her smile makes me want to cry because I know that she doesn’t always see how beautiful she is. I tell her, I just hope she listens. She makes me feel better about myself and showed me self-respect. She will always be honest even if she knows it will hurt your feelings and I wouldn’t trade that about her for anything. I can always count on her to defend me in the case that I need defending. We share a closet and go to Starbucks almost every Saturday. Carol will give you her whole heart, and it takes a lot for her to take it back. She always gives me second chances even when I feel like I don’t deserve them. She is amazing at volleyball and going to her games every Tuesday makes me so so proud. She is passionate and smart and kind-hearted. Carol is the strongest person I know and I often stay up at night wondering how she does it. I love her and I would give my life so that she could live hers. Nobody makes me feel as loved as Carolina.

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scraping

rainbowsparklecupcake1 Comment

There is one word to describe the feeling that I’ve had all day. Scraping. my soul has been aching to claw its way out of me. I know what it wants, it wants to rip my chest open and thrust its way through the bars. My mind is filled with serrated lines shooting across the interior of my skull. I shake because I am so trapped in here. When I look in the mirror I can feel my eyes fall back into my head as they drown in the screams that shatter throughout my brain. I can not see myself. Why can’t I see myself? No matter how hard I glare at myself in the reflection I’ve trained to stay still, I can see my face morph and melt into the person I try so desperately to hide. I like to imagine my hands pulling my face as they slide across my skin, dissolving the only thing that is truly there with me at the end of each night. My skin tingles all the time, it radiates through me like small bursts of electricity stopping the beat of my heart with each one. It was supposed to be easy, “crying doesn’t make things better” I was trained for this. I was trained for this straight face and beautiful smile. Why can’t I see myself? “No one will feel sorry for you with that look on your face” I’m sorry, the tears burn their way through the gloss that shields my emotionless face. They leave scars you know, the tears, they ruin the smile. I was taught to cry only in front of a mirror, that way I can watch them disintegrate my complexion, I force myself to watch as I express the most basic human emotion and torture myself at the very same time. This is how I was taught to feel so excruciatingly uncomfortable in my very own skin.

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pc: me

obsolete tv shows

lizlovelaugh1 Comment

Besides Spongebob, I grew up on practically extinct shows my fossil of a Dad made me watch instead of like Disney Channel or something.

My favorite one was MacGyver, (NOT the new one with Lucas Till) which is an action series about a guy who can ‘improvise’ his way out of any situation. Instead of combating danger with weapons like you’d expect, he uses his ability to make gadgets to save himself. To this day I still think the premise is really unique and overall it’s a creative show.

Another much more popular show I watched was the A-team. Again, not the newer movies but the 80’s tv series. It’s also an action about a group of ex-military guys who help people in need and try to clear their name from a crime they didn’t even commit. I remember loving one of the members of the group, Murdoc, who was just this really crazy, goofy guy.

Then there are all the detective shows: Columbo, Magnum PI, Monk, Psych -even Perry Mason- you name it, I’ve seen it. My Dad and I are detective show connoisseurs. He tried to get me to watch cop shows, but they were never my thing (Adam-12, CHiPS).

There was a lot of Sci-fi too, I think Star Trek was my first of these old shows (or Rocky and Bullwinkle). I’ve seen both the Kirk and Picard series, but the former is more memorable/nostalgic for me. There was also Time Tunnel, Twilight Zone, My Favorite Martian, The Munsters, etc.

There is more, this is just the tip of my ancient-shows iceberg. There are some really obscure shows I’ve seen. I bet I’m the only person under 50 who knows what the Petticoat Junction even is. Or the Beverly Hillbillies.

Anyway, I’m actually happy my Dad introduced me to these shows from a young age. They really were charming and shaped much of my early childhood.

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Writer’s block

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I am experiencing major writer’s block. This entire week I open my computer once or twice a day and try to think of something to write about. My mind feels completely and utterly blank. Then I realized that my mind has been blank for the entire week. I know this just makes me seem stupid. Hell, it makes me feel stupid. Sometimes I have the mindset that I can’t write something unless it’s “interesting” but then I go on to wonder what interesting really implies. Is it interesting to just be depressed, angry, or fill your life with gossip? It often starts to seem that way. I won’t pretend to be an angel as if I don’t get involved, I just hate when that starts to be the things I find interesting. The more I let myself get roped into all this shit the more I get sad. It’s all a cycle, you get sad because you get roped in and you get roped in because you have nothing else to think about. Then I realized what even is writer’s block? The idea of free writing is the ability to write whatever is on your mind. So I guess that’s what I’m doing. What I’m trying to say is that, more often than not, the things that happen in my life would not be viewed as interesting. But maybe that makes it easier to write about.

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pc: me

Some of my Favorite Things Recently

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I’ve started a new school, which, of course, is a challenging transition. It’s easy in times like these to get caught up in anxiety and needless worry, so I find it helpful to redirect my focus to the positive aspects of my life right now. Whether life-changing or minuscule, there is no shortage of things that I LOVE.

  1. Old books: The way the weathered pages feel between my fingers, the smell, the inky typeface.
  2. Pina colada smoothies: I seriously think I would live on these if I could – especially in 100-degree weather.
  3. Sleeping: There’s something so comforting about getting in bed with the AC on so I can snuggle up between the duvet cover and clean sheets.
  4. Shooting stars: I saw one the other day and it was magical.
  5. The sea: The floating, bobbing over waves and swimming with all the fish beneath me.
  6. Gilmore Girls: I will always aspire to be a Rory Gilmore.
  7. Sushi: What I would do for a spicy tuna, avocado roll, or a Lemon Flush special from Hakane…
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Itaewon Class

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Recently I’ve finished a Netflix show called Itaewon Class, I will say it is one of my favorite tv shows. It was so popular in 2020, but I never get a chance to watch it. It’s a k-drama, but it’s not the same as the other k-drama that only talk about love or are so exaggerated. This show talks a lot about the issue in this society, and also relationships, of course. However, I don’t know how the director did this. Every time when I finished an episode, I just wanted to work harder every other day. I told myself that I don’t care how long it takes, I’m still going to study hard and work harder, so I can be happy in the future. I don’t want to expose too many details, but I highly recommend you to watch it. It’s really good!

Photo Credit: Itaewon Class

Time Flies…

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After this week, I have four weeks left. I don’t know how to describe my feelings, but it all just happened too fast. Because of the pandemic, I didn’t even feel like I’m a high schooler and I’m about to go to college. For half of my high school, I’ve been staying in my house and doing homework. During the other part of my high school life, I was still busy studying and getting ready for college. I wake up, study, gym, and sleep every single day. My high school year has been very different from my expectations. I thought those things that happen in high school movies are the things that are going to happen to me, but I guess it’s just a movie, right? Time flies by way too fast. It’s really hard for me to take it slow and enjoy the moment. Even the bad times I’ve been through are going so fast.

Photo Credit: HuffPost UK

Is the villain in the movie really a bad person?

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As I grew up get to understand this world and this society, I noticed that not all villains are bad people. Of course, it’s a movie, but If you have watched the Joker, you will notice that he is not a bad person; he is just like a normal person like me and you. He shows how broken this society is and that forces him to shoot the TV host to show the world that a person was being left in the city and even not getting treated like a human being. I also watch the Fantastic Beast, the villain asks those people to join his army, it sounds like they all just wanted to create chaos, and they are just bad guys. However, there is a part where the villain explains how broken this world is and he just wanted to change the world by gathering all the people who were being left in the corner of the earth. Most of them don’t want to become a villain on purpose, they just want those people to feel safe and warm, let them feel there are a lot of people going through the same thing as they did. This got me thinking so much and you will realize what is justice? Is there justice anymore? Also, this world is very chaotic. What do you think?

Photo Credit: Joker

The First Step Towards My Goals

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If you have read my blog before, I mentioned wanting to become a YouTuber. A couple of days ago I posted my first vlog on YouTube. I know most Youtubers’ first videos won’t be popular that fast, however, posting the first video is a big step for me to keep going. I’m doing Youtube because I love editing videos, and I want to share my talents with everyone. I learned videography by myself from the internet, and also learn to edit videos by myself. I had made more than ten videos already for myself and my school. I’m still constantly improving my skills in editing and filming. Since posting my first video, my family and friends have been encouraging me to make more and that keeps me motivated to keep doing what I love. I felt stressed about being a first-time Youtuber. Without anyone’s help, I have to spend so much time getting the video done as soon as possible. For example, my first video is about my spring break, and I didn’t want to wait until summer to post it and still talk about spring break.

Meanwhile, the whole process takes a while. I already spend so much time editing, and I still need to spend extra time doing subtitles. Picking a song is also really stressful. I need to go to Youtube studio to search for songs that don’t have any copyright problems, and the music has to fit with the video, which really challenges me.

All in all, my Youtube account is Carlton Hsu, if you are interested please give some support. By the way, my first vlog on Youtube is all in Chinese, I know, I’m working on the English subtitles now. Below is my first Youtube vlog, I hope you understand and I hope you enjoy it.

Credit by me

In a house, trapped.

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I can’t live in the same house for 10 years, I can’t even imagine it.

The longest time that I have lived in the same place was 5 years. The five years from when I was born to when I was 5 years old. Thereafter, I move to a different place at a frequency of about every 1 to 3 years. As a result, I can quickly adapt to a new environment, but at the same time, I get bored of the same environment easily. 

I imagine in the future— if I could,  I will sojourn in different places around the world until I can’t anymore. 

If I am trapped in a place for long enough, I will first be tired of the daily routine; waking up in the same bed, eating at the same table, and shitting on the same toilet. Then, my eyes will be irritated by my unchanging surroundings; seeing the same trees out the window and opening the same door every time I go out. It would be the most terrifying torture in the world to me.

In order to prevent me from developing mental issues, I will constantly alter the house and explore different ways to do things. For instance, if I grew tired of sleeping in bed, I can go camping in the yard(if there is one). Or if I can’t stand the trees outside, I will plant new ones. 

After all, I’m still not sure how long it will last until I just can’t do it anymore.

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