Author: olivemartinisforever

A Continuous Cycle

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I hate that feeling of being alone, but for some reason I’ve grown to expect it. I don’t expect people to say yes if I asked to hang out or wanted to be my partner for a project. I don’t ever get mad at my friends for much, whether ignoring me, being rude, or anything, as I don’t want to lose them. I came to never hold grudges and forgive people easily, not only because what is the point of a grudge, but also out of fear that I’ll lose them. I’ve spent my years growing up scared that I wasn’t going to fit in in every new chapter. That people wouldn’t like me or accept me because I was bullied. I didn’t have many friends growing up and dealt with the same bully for 6 years. And once that girl left, a new one came; it always seems to happen this way. I can never escape this cycle. I don’t understand why people feel the need to bully. I understand we all have our own issues, but that is never an excuse to push it onto others. I feel like I’m always chasing that feeling of the end, waiting for that next chapter to escape the reality of the current moment.

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Seen But Not Known

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I feel like I notice so much about the people around me, but do they ever notice anything that way about me? I can always tell when someone gets a haircut or is feeling a little down or maybe bought a new shirt, but I never really feel like other people notice those things about me. Is it all in my head, and I just don’t notice it because it’s me, or do the people around me really just not care to ask or comment about it? I think that’s a reason why psychology was always such an interest of mine: why are people the way they are? Why have I always been the one who gets picked last in groups or the last one to get invited to things, if at all? I always felt like the short end of the stick, but is that just me being selfish? Do other people also feel the same way? Do they feel like I do that to them? I’ve always wondered these things since I started getting bullied in 1st grade, and it really stuck with me. I try to be nice to everyone, a universal friend. I do this because I understand that feeling of being alone and having no one to go to. Being the floater friend who isn’t anyone’s best friend or first choice, but I’m always there. Even after I took psychology, I realized you never truly know what’s going on in someone’s head because we are all our own person. Instead of trying to please everyone or being sad that maybe you weren’t the first pick, that’s ok; it’s normal. There is always going to be other options in life, and most of the time you aren’t going to be picked. So maybe I need to look at this differently. Rather than seeing it as me always being chosen last, maybe instead I’ll be better prepared for the future. I understand that feeling of not getting chosen, so I won’t have those high expectations when it comes to things like that later in life. I have built these experiences to help shape me for the world that is filled with challenges and barriers that need to be broken down, and instead of being scared or halted at the first hurdle, I’ll continue on just like I always have.

An Ode to Friendship. Why friends form a core part of our… | by Sally Clarke | Medium
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Changing Perspectives

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It’s crazy to me how fast your perspective on life can change. Over the last four months, I feel like I have learned so much about myself and the world around me. I was always the type of person who felt like they needed someone, whether romantically or platonically. I would always complain about not having a boyfriend or feeling alone, but I came to realize that being alone is ok, infact it is normal. How can you be with someone else, whether a friendship or relationship, if you don’t fully understand yourself and are confident being alone? Over the past few months, I’ve grown to spend that time alone and enjoy it. Especially when driving alone, having that moment singing your favorite song on your playlist while zoning out on the road is such a freeing feeling. You lose your sense of worries and pressures; no one to put energy into but yourself. I learned to realize that while I love being with my friends, it’s ok to have those moments alone. I haven’t found myself feeling that loneliness much anymore or saying how I need a boyfriend because I don’t. I think that I used to say all those things because I felt so behind everyone. But truly, I wasn’t; everything happens at the right time for their person, and there’s no rushing that or even a need to. Being “behind” in your firsts as a teenager can feel so degrading, but really it doesn’t matter. No one should look at you or treat you differently because it doesn’t matter; it isn’t something that should define you. So yes, even though I don’t feel that “behind” feeling anymore, I learned to realize I never was, and all of that stuff shouldn’t define you. All of us humans are worth so much more because of who we are, not what we have done. 

Silhouette Man Sitting Alone On Beach Stock Footage Video (100% Royalty-free) 1022546908 | Shutterstock
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Goodbye Summer

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I never felt like I would miss summer this much. I was always the type of person who would be excited to start school again, just to see my friends, of course, but this year was different. I’m going into my final year, and I just have never wanted to be done more. I feel like I’ve grown out of this point in life and that I’m ready for that step forward: college. I finally got my license this summer, which allowed me to do so many things I never could have thought I would do before. I spent endless days with my friends laughing and making memories I’ll never forget. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate school, but I just wish I could have those 3 months back. That freedom of not having homework every night and having last-minute plans to go anywhere and do anything. I want to be back in Hawaii, Yosemite, re-live Girls State, Disney, and even just be on the beach again. I felt I finally got the opportunity to live my life without most of the restraints from my parents. I’ll forever remember the summer before my senior year and never forget the people and experiences that made it so special. So, even though I have to say goodbye, I hope that once it rolls back around again next year, it will be just as amazing.

Ventura County Beaches – Coastal Living & Local Guide | Realty ONE Group Summit
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A Lesson Learned

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Recently I relearned the value of friendship and how to deal with the estrangement of someone. It’s not something you really think of till it’s gone.  It’s so weird to go from being so close to someone and their life to being complete strangers. You still see them every day but can’t talk to them, spend hours together like you used to, or even just complain about your class, they are just there. All of your inside jokes become a memory that slowly drifts away. I realized how easy it is for your judgment to get clouded and for mistakes to get made. You never truly understand the effect you can have on people. Whether it seems different to you, others can see it as so much more. I made this mistake, and now I have to live with this consequence. I can’t complain or be mad at the person, as it truly was my wrongdoing. All you can do in the end is hope that maybe one day the other person can find it in their heart to overlook your mistake and forgive you. In the end, we are all humans, we’re going to make mistakes. You can’t dredge up the past, but look towards the future. While I do hope that one day we can go back to even just a fraction of how it was before, I know I have to be realistic and leave time and space for maybe one day an ounce of forgiveness.

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College Stressors

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I have never felt this overwhelmed in my life. I never believed people when they said “senior year is so stressful all of a sudden.” I didn’t believe them because they said that junior year is supposed to be the most difficult, but for me it was amazing. Suddenly, though, a switch flipped; I was faced with an extremely challenging week, and now this week I’m faced with endless college things being thrown at me. I feel so unprepared. Did I do enough work over the summer? Are my activities good enough to get me into college? Do I like my essay? How am I supposed to show colleges myself in a 600-word essay? I feel like it was just yesterday I was doing this application process for high school; how am I already back applying, but now to colleges? I wish this process was easier. Not only that but I have applications for financial aid, capstone, endless amounts of games for sports and so much homework for every class. How am I supposed to get it all done while not getting sick or being tired everyday. I can’t wait for the moment all my applications are done and I can finally take a deep breath and relax a little.

College Options – Mrs. Koch's Counseling Corner
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