Tag: dad

Hey I Like My Dad

scarlettoharaLeave a comment

Yeah I’m going there. I am willing as a teenager to express gratitude, and other positive emotions. Because dang it, we have no predetermined purpose and cynicism has been trending since Franz Ferdinand was shot. While there are many people who would like to make our troubles worse by complaining, complaining and complaining in their everyday life, I would like to do something more helpful to myself by, perhaps, being satisfied with what I have in life. So here is a nice and accurate, but not exhaustive, list of the things I love that my dad does for me, since I know plenty of dads don’t bother with the least of what he does.

  1. He always drives six hours roundtrip to pick me up. It was only this year that he stopped taking days off work just to get me on Fridays, since his company didn’t like he was out of work so often.
  2. He gets me the best snacks. My dad works for H-Mart. That’s the company that tightened its leash on him, so he’s not exactly flowing in cash. But what he is flowing in is coupons. My dad never lacks in giving me free treats, the sorts I can never find in most grocery stores nowadays. I always wait to refill my childhood memories.
  3. He gets free Starbucks too, and always gives them to me.
  4. He gives me strategies for growing up. My dad sometimes felt like the bad cop growing up, especially when my sister and I were used to our mom doting on us. But it turned out parenting is a balance between the old adage of “you can do anything you set your mind to” and telling your children about those who seek to take that away from them. My mom is the dreamspinner, my dad is the postwar cynic. Huh, maybe I have to give those postmodern critics some credit.
  5. He has the oddest sense of humor. It’s not dad jokes exactly, but it’s hard to describe. It’s a little funky, maybe a bit something like out of a Taika Waititi production, which certainly explains my taste in media.

I’ve been worrying about what I could have left in the coming years. I consider myself an average, perhaps lucky person, but luck doesn’t run as far as it used to. I sense that if things were to go haywire there would be many fronts for “these unprecedented times” to attack me on, because I already see others being persecuted for those same things lol. But since half a person’s salt comes from their dad, I’m glad I have his principles and taste in comedy to weather the storm with.

PC: Google

but I still remember.

urmom8beanLeave a comment

I still remember our car rides and all the songs we’d sing. I still remember our ice cream trips. I remember our spot and walks on the beach. I still remember our humor and how angry it would make Mom. I still remember our basketball practices, and you coming to every game. I still remember looking for you at church and running up to you to give you peace when you came. I also remember the brunches and donuts we would have after. I still remember you showing off your bike pictures, and the videos of you calling out my uncle at the top of the mountain. I still remember going to my tias house and how much they loved seeing you. I still remember how happy you made everyone when we went to Mexico. I remember how happy you made anyone you met. I still remember how much you cared and how heavily you loved. I still remember how much you ate and how much you loved it. I still remember how nervous you’d get when we’d go swimming, and how you wouldn’t let me go in the deep end in case anything happened. I still remember how you couldn’t swim. I still remember teaching you, and even when you were scared you still cracked jokes. I still remember your stories of ovs at night. I still remember your voice, I have all your voice messages saved. I still listen to them. I still cry every time. I still remember your smile and your laugh.

I still remember you. te amo

tu hija

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PC: me

it’s been a while

urmom8beanLeave a comment

It’s been a while since it happened, and it still doesn’t feel real.

I still feel like I can pick up the phone and call you and you’ll answer. I still think you’re sitting in that room. I still think you’re going to send me a voice message asking how I am. I still think I’ll see you at graduation, that somehow you’ll magically get better and surprise me by sneaking in and sitting in the audience. I guess the end of the year is keeping me distracted. I have so much to do, to think about that I don’t really have time to think about anything else. It’s rarely silent in my mind. Which is what feeds into the delusion that you’re still here. The silence is what truly is the death of me. Nothing to think about just you. That’s why I try and go out, and focus on other things. The condolence letters have slowed down a lot, but your celebration of life is coming up. People are starting to forget, I don’t think I can or ever will. Summer is coming and I’m still not sure where I’m going to college. Everything is ending and It’s scary. I wish you were here, I wish we had one more car ride, one more hug. It’s been a while and I miss you every day a little more. Te amo.

tu hija

Time Passing - Astro Cruise by BenHeine ...
PC: https://www.deviantart.com/benheine/art/Time-Passing-Astro-Cruise-956142765

I know everything will work out.

urmom8beanLeave a comment

Everything will work out. It’s a funny phrase if you think about it because you’re never really sure. No matter how much you prepare for something you never really know. I didn’t even get to finish my intro when Ben literally summed up what I was trying to say in one phrase.

Man makes plans and God laughs.

I think it’s now my favorite quote. I think it’s one of the most honest things said. It works for anything you believe in God, the universe, Jah whatever you believe they laugh at your attempts to control everything.

I don’t believe humans were ever meant to control everything no matter how hard we try it’s not the reason we are here. The people who try the most I think are often the saddest, because they try too hard and it doesn’t end up working. On the contrary, those who roll with the punches and let the wind carry them wherever it pleases are genuinely happier. At least that’s what most movies tell me.

I know everything will work out. I guess what I really mean is I was so unhappy trying to control everything, that now I’m doing a bit better. I’m letting them leave, letting go, not listening to what they say.

I really hope everything will work. I really really hope God, the universe, the higher power helps me out a little.

Man makes plans and God laughs, but I really hope he smiles instead.

We're Fireflies by gyllenmaya (remix) | Night illustration, Firefly painting, Cool art
PC:https://www.pinterest.com/pin/566398090616319765/

I finally understood.

rainbowsparklecupcakeLeave a comment

A few weeks ago I wrote about what it was like to have a crush. It inspired me to write about my perception of a broken heart. I think that the feeling of a heart breaking is different for every single person, simply because we all have different hearts. They are filled with different people and different places, some half full and some to the brim. In my eyes, no heart is the same. A heart can be broken by a girl, a boy, a mother, or a father. Anyone can take it and squeeze it until it cracks. I can not learn a lesson, the same thing will happen to me over and over and each time I let myself think that this time will be different. It never is. The first time I think my heart broke was when I was in seventh grade. When I was young, I was very close with my dad, and I spent a lot of time with him. When I turned 13, I had already begun to struggle with depression. It ran in my family and my dad had it bad. When I was growing I would try to talk to him and sometimes it felt like I was talking to a body without a soul. I never understood why I wasn’t enough to keep him afloat, why I wasn’t enough to chain his soul to his body. My days started to slow and I began to feel the separation between my skin and my spark, and slowly, I felt it float away. I finally understood why it was so hard to laugh. Nothing was funny. And I understood why he couldn’t say I love you, Because he couldn’t even love himself. I stopped trying and he started to get better. He would ask me how my day was and I couldn’t remember. So I said nothing. I watched as my dad formed that same hopeless look in his eye, as he watched my soul melt out of the bottoms of my feet. My dad sometimes says things he doesn’t mean but that doesn’t make them sound any less real. A few weeks ago he explained to me that it was tiring watching me get like this. “I don’t want to be your dad anymore.” He took it back. But I would have rather been slapped in the face. That’s okay. I know he tried for a long time and for a lot of that time, I wasn’t there. My mind was always elsewhere, drifting through the sharpness of the sea that he used to throw me into. I like to take myself to those places. Where I remember sitting on my dad’s shoulders or holding his hand while I got off the ski lift. I get sad because I don’t want there to be a brick wall between my mind and his the last year and a half that I live in this house. I don’t know how to try to fix what we broke. Sometimes we sit in a room with a stranger as she tells us what we do wrong and how we can “communicate” in a healthier way. I watch him look out the window and think about a million other things. I won’t play the victim, even if I sometimes catch myself wondering what 10-year-old me could have done better. It’s not his fault and I know that. But it broke my heart to watch as the conversations grew shorter and his door opened less. It broke my heart to start hearing my name instead of honey. It broke my heart to not see him on the field at my soccer games. It broke my heart to watch him cry about his dad and the lack of love he received. I love you, dad. But after all, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

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biracial

underwaterismyflyzoneLeave a comment

Until this past summer, I have always self-identified as fully white. If someone asked me what my ethnicity was, I would automatically say white. Sometimes, when people would try to pry, further questioning my response, I would almost yell,”I’M WHITE. I’M JUST TAN.”

This past summer I have come to terms with myself in a lot of more ways than one. A huge step for me was that, I have begun self-identifying as half-black and half-white.

I think there were two main reasons I did not associate myself with being African-American.

No, it is not because I’m embarrassed or ANYTHING along those lines.

The first being: the classic dead-beat dad story.  Up until very recently, I have given myself the power to not have to identify as the daughter of a black man who does not identify as a father.

The second reason being, well, racism, discrimination, and oppression, are all still alive and well.

On Father’s Day of last year, I posted something similar to this on a small instagram account I have only for close friends. Someone told me that “no one really cares” and “I don’t see why that’s a big deal.”

It’s a huge deal. Once you’re fifteen years into your life and you finally feel comfortable enough to accept and express the half of your identity that’s made you feel empty for years, it’s a huge deal.

Yes, I am half-black; yes, I am identify with the 17.9 other African-Americans in the U.S; yes, my dad is black; yes, that’s my real mom; and, yes, I’m proud.

 

Photo credit: Theodysseyonline.com

 

Dear Dad,

mycountrythoughtsLeave a comment

It’s been seven years since you’ve passed and it still doesn’t feel real.

Photo Credit: Camp Geneva

This past year has been one of the hardest years without you.  I had my first love and first heartbreak.

The only person I wanted after that heartbreak was you, but you weren’t here.  I needed you to be here, I needed your advice, I had no clue what to do.

I have no father figure to lead me and I am just starting to become a woman, I need your advice.

In just under two months, I am going to be 18 and you won’t be there.

You won’t be there for anything. We won’t have a father-daughter dance, you won’t walk me down the aisle, you won’t watch me graduate, and you won’t watch me grow up.  I will never know if you are proud of who I am becoming.

I know I shouldn’t be mad at you, but it gets hard sometimes.

I know it wasn’t your fault.

It was fated.

I need to let fate take over now.  You must have left me for a reason.

I am stronger than I could have ever imagined me to be by this age. I know how to fend for myself.  I know I can make it through anything now. I know you would be proud of who I am becoming and that is all that matters.

I miss you, but I know I can make it through.

What House Arrest does to you

hubbabubba98Leave a comment

So my dad is basically on house arrest because of his recent heart attack. Because of this house arrest that he has been sentenced to by his doctors and my mother, he has decided to take up and master the art of cooking.

His goal: to cook a new dish, EVERY SINGLE day.

Now this is coming from a man who usually NEVER cooks and when he does, we usually end up calling for a pizza late at night.

My dad has many great talents, unfortunately cooking is not one of them.

So far he has made the following dishes:

  • Cauliflower soup with WAY too much pepper, ( I think he missed the “taste as you go” memo).
  • Spaghetti squash pasta with a spinach sauce; lets just say he loves his food processor and we ended up having spaghetti squash with baby formula.
  • Fisherman’s Pie; coincidentally while he was cooking the power in our house went out and it was only half cooked, he still decided to serve it.

On top of all his glorious attempts of these new recipes, he’s sent my mom to the store every single day to get ingredients, not quite realizing that the ingredients we already have at the house could be used for cooking as well.

While throwing in his own changes to the recipes, he also likes to add some humor. He makes constant reference to the cooking TV show  Chopped. Every time one of his new “creations” doesn’t go as planned he says, ” Well I think the judges would have chopped me for that one!” or if it is a success( I’ve yet to taste one) he says, ” That one would have gotten me to the next round!”

While he is still going strong on his cooking binge, and I applaud his efforts, I wouldn’t mind having a pizza for dinner anytime soon.

 

Making Amends

hubbabubba98Leave a comment

Photo Credit to: https://www.colourbox.com

Is it too late to make amends?

Is it too late to go back on something that has been 18 years in the making?

This past weekend I was given a painful reminder that things can change in an instant.

My dad had a heart-attack.

He had been on a two-week ski trip in British Columbia and it happened on the last day of his trip.  My mom told me Friday evening when I got home that he’d had a heart-attack and was being flown to Spokane, Washington for surgery the next morning.

That Saturday morning I woke up at 3am to drive my mom to the airport so she could be there waiting for him when he got out of surgery. After dropping my mom of at the airport I turned around and drove home, went back to sleep and woke up a few hours later to play in my soccer game.

Those 24 hours that followed my mom telling me that he’d had a heart-attack were a whirlwind. I don’t remember what followed after she said the words no one wants to hear, ” Dad had a heart-attack”. Everything blurred together. I remember thinking, don’t cry, because if you cry that means something is wrong and I wanted so badly to believe that nothing was wrong.

My dad came out of his surgery doing well, the doctors said that his good physical conditioning saved his life, that he was lucky it hadn’t been worse.

Despite the terrible circumstances, I felt lucky. Lucky to be reminded that things can change in and instant, lucky to be reminded that I shouldn’t take so much for granted and lucky to be reminded how much family means.

My dad and I have always had a rough relationship. My mom says it is because our personalities are so similar that’s why we butt heads. We disagree on almost everything and always find some way to annoy each other.

For so long we’ve been content with living like this. It broke my heart knowing that within the next 10 years any type of relationship with my dad would either be non-existent or intolerable. However, after this past weekend, I’ve decided to make amends. I’ve decided, even though I know it won’t be easy, to work towards the relationship I want with my dad.

 

 

 

Yes, I’m Gullible

Daphne Psaledakis1 Comment

This past weekend I couldn’t get a hold of my dad. I called him a ton, trying to find him so he could ship me a tent for our class camping trip this weekend. He finally called me back on Sunday, but couldn’t talk for long, as he was hiking up a mountain.

Naturally, I assumed he was hiking up a mountain at home in Aspen.

On Sunday night, I got a text from him telling me not to eat dinner, because his girlfriend’s daughter might swing by at school to visit me on her way to Santa Barbara. I love Sarah, so I was really excited. He texted me again letting me know that they were in Calabasas, and then Sarah sent a friend of mine to tell me when she was in the girls’ dorm lounge.

Only when I walked into the lounge, it was my dad and his girlfriend waiting for me, not Sarah and her boyfriend.

I was so surprised. I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t even know he had been in Santa Monica visiting his girlfriend.

A couple of the teachers had been in on his surprise, so he was able to take me off campus for dinner. We went to this really nice restaurant called Suzanne’s, which was absolutely delicious.

It was so nice to see him. I’ve been at school for about a month, and it’s about this time that everyone realizes how long the stretch before the first break is. It was perfect timing, the food was delicious, and it was so nice to see my dad.

And yes, I am very gullible, as my friends pointed out afterwards.

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