at first, all i saw was a butterfly.
it was flying above the grass at the park, i was having a picnic.
it was pretty and it was green .
not grass green, but lime green.
then, i remembered that green was the color of your room before you redecorated it last summer
and then i saw your room and what it used to look like before you thought your drawings were stupid and before you decided you liked purple more.
from there, i saw you and how you looked last week and then how you made me laugh really hard the other night.
then, i thought if we will ever go anywhere.
and then i think about other people who might be more exciting than you, but how you’re nice too.
i think about my friend’s friend and how maybe he’s fun to talk to.
then, i get going on conversations.
i remember that i want to meet an aquarius, because i heard that they are really compatible with gemini’s and
what i really think i need right now is someone i’m compatible with.
no more of this taurus-virgo bullshit!
but, she’s a taurus and he’s a capricorn.
i think that maybe they’ll be the exception, but, in the back of my mind, i know neither of them will be because taurus are too routine, stubborn, and clingy for me and capricorn-
well, i don’t know much about capricorn, but i looked up our compatibility and it’s not good.
and that will be stuck in the back of my head for just about ever.
now, i completely forget about you and him and her and conversations and zodiac signs, (particularly taurus, virgos, and capricorns) and then i think about the lyrics to the sing deceptecon by le tigre and then i think about the whole riot grrrl movement
and how i wish i was apart of it and how i wonder if it’s still alive today in any form and how if it is then those people involved are people i wanna know.
i think about how i need to make a new playlist and
about how cluttered my playlists are along with my mind and then i get overwhelmed because i get overwhelmed easily.
how maybe if i make a new playlist with music other than rap i’ll feel better and life will make much more sense then.
and then i snap back into it because the lady giving me a massage hits my back harder than expected and tells me she’s finished with the massage and my neck still hurts, oh, and i was never looking at a butterfly at all.
I started off 2018 with so many resolutions. I was going to lose weight and gain abs, keep straight A’s, save up all my money to go traveling, and I fulfilled none of those resolutions.
Because, whenever I make New Year’s resolutions, I make them so they’re far beyond my reach in such a small time. When I make huge goals, I get disappointed when I don’t reach them in a short time, so I end up quitting along the way.
So, in 2019, I won’t make grand wishes for myself. I’ll make small ones and I’ll keep adding to those small ones until I get the results I want.
I didn’t make any New Year’s resolutions, but I do have small goals for myself I hope to continue through the year:
Write in my diary. I started writing in a journal at the beginning of 12th grade when I was feeling down, but I suddenly stopped when life got better. I don’t want to stop. I want to write about everything that excites, depresses, or even angers me. But I don’t expect to write in it every day because I get busy or just tend to forget, but I hope to grab my journal and write anything and everything whenever I remember.
Eat healthier. This doesn’t mean I’m gonna completely cut out junk food from my life. I’m still gonna eat my favorite candy and journalism snacks and stop at In-N-Out when I leave LAX. But I’ll also add more vegetables to my plate and avoid gluten when I can. I’ll add better foods to my diet without necessarily taking away all the bad ones.
Dedicate a little more time to playing guitar and piano.
Be more inclusive with my friends.
Work out more. Not full work outs at the gym, but small ones before bed. Sit ups, stretches, squats, etc. all while watching Netflix or talking over the phone with my friends.
Live life in the moment. I want to go to concerts and dance and sing my heart out in the back instead of hoping to be at the front for that one Instagram photo just to prove I was there. Laugh in the moment instead of worrying about the potentially inexistent consequences of the future. Wear the outfit I thought was cute though I don’t necessarily think I look cute in it. Find people who want to be with me instead of waiting on those who don’t. And live.
2019 isn’t a new year for a new me, but it is a new year for an improved me and that’s what I hope to do.
There’s so many things to do when life is so short, but here’s a list of thirty things I want to do at some point in my life.
- Study abroad.
- Go train-hopping through Europe.
- Sing on stage during “Time Bomb” with All Time Low.
- Volunteer at an elephant sanctuary in Thailand.
- Snorkel in the Great Barrier Reef.
- Cliff dive.
- Go skydiving.
- Write a song.
- Solve a mystery.
- Go to a college football game.
- See Phantom of the Opera.
- Get my driver’s license.
- Jump four feet on a horse.
- Start a meme.
- Go to Tomorrowland/Nocturnal Wonderland.
- Go on an African Safari.
- Get a tattoo.
- Fall in love.
- Graduate from law school.
- Go down a black diamond slope snowboarding (successfully).
- Go to a masquerade ball.
- Live in New York City.
- Learn a third language.
- Go on a road trip across the country.
- Sit on someone’s shoulders during a concert.
- Become flexible.
- Learn how to ice skate.
- Get a dog.
- Write a book.
- Do karaoke in public.
As each day gets closer and closer to June 1, and the months pass, my heart yearns for summer to finally happen.
Today was the first sunny day in California for weeks, and as I lied by the pool with the sun beaming in the sky and minimal clouds in the distance, I imagined myself at the beach in front of my house, with my sunglasses on and the crashing waves against the sandy shores.
Now, as I accept the fact that I will keep having to imagine my summer days until they actually happen, I will live these daydreams through the stories I write and the dreams that come to me in my sleep.
I can’t write about every single thing I’m excited for about summer 2018, but here are a few:
The concerts. I’m always excited about concerts, but I feel like the shows I go to this year will be exceptionally memorable. I will see G-Eazy for a second time. The show will be in an outside amphitheater, and I will be at the barricade with the hundreds of people who showed up. The stars will be bright, but the streams of neon light beaming from the stage will be even brighter. Then there will be the Warped Tour dates. The days I wake up early and return home late, my body covered head to toe in sweat and dust, my voice will ache along with my legs. Yet as I fall asleep, replaying the memory of All Time Low singing on main stage with the sunset across the horizon peeking over the back of the stage, my mind will fill with memories and my heart full of happiness.
The beach. Considering I have family both in Santa Barbara and Laguna Beach, I don’t actually spend time on the beach nearly enough. However, this time I hope that changes. I can’t wait to walk down the steps from my house to the beach, lie down my beach blanket and read my favorite book in the sun all day every day. Maybe I’ll go into the water if the waves aren’t harsh, or maybe I’ll get an acai bowl. At the end of the day, I’d head back up to my house with sun kissed skin and beach blonde waves. I’ll wash the sea salt water off my sandy skin, and I’ll curl up under the covers with popcorn, a scary movie, and my dog beside the bed, and I’ll know in that moment that life couldn’t get any better than that.
Lastly, I can’t wait for the freedom. I can’t wait to not have to follow a strict schedule from school, or have my adventures be limited to a mountain in the middle of Ojai. I’ll be free to wake up however early or however late I want. I can watch the sunrise from my balcony, and the sunset from a hammock. I can go take the trolley down to Banzai Bowls and get my favorite acai bowl. I can go to Disneyland or go to the gym. I can take trains up to LA to visit my friends, or travel to different beaches to watch the fireworks on the Fourth of July. The possibilities are overwhelmingly endless.
June is a long time away. I should be focusing on APs and English essays, but summer please come sooner. I’m waiting for you.
Imagine if you could do anything you wanna do, be anyone you wanna be, go anywhere you wanna go.
Where would you go? What would you do?
You always hear parents saying to their children,”you can do anything you want, you just have to believe in it.” My parents never told me that. I’m glad they didn’t. I wouldn’t have wanted them to lie to me.
I can’t do anything I want to, that’s simply not plausible. I’m not brave enough to become an astronaut, that’s for sure. I don’t have the time and endurance to practice enough to become a Grand Prix Dressage rider. I definitely don’t have the voice to become a singer, and I’ll never fit the standards to become a model.
But if I could, if I had all these possibilities, what would I do?
I would do everything I know I can’t do. I’d hike up Mount Everest, because why not? I’d ski the Olympic Super-G, race to the podium just for the heck of it. I’d start a band and travel around the world to perform our music to millions of obsessive fans. I’d create the most beautiful paintings of life and beauty and ugly love, so stunning that they’d immediately be displayed in the Louvre. Honestly, I’d probably successfully bake a cake for once, because I don’t see that happening any time soon with my striking lack of talent.
There are so many things in this world, big and small, that I would love to do or achieve or become in my life, and I know most of those things will never possibly happen. Though I’d obviously love to become a world famous artist, that’s not what I need. Of course we need equal rights for everyone, the same opportunities. But it is good that not all of us have the same talents, the same passions, sometimes it is good that we can’t be anything we want. After all, that makes up our individuality.
My right hand raises, slowly, until it is pointed directly at the sun, extended toward the heavens and the stars above.
My left is drawn across my face, deliberately blocking my view of the earth surrounding me. Silhouettes dancing over vast, open plains are shut out, blocked from sight, from sound.
Slowly my feet move forward, step by step, moving toward an unknown location. I have lost all physical senses – I cannot tell where I am.
Controlled by a puppeteer, I have no power over my movements. There are strings attached to my every joint so that each microscopic movement is mastered. Over time, every motion becomes second nature, and the puppeteer has succeeded.
The conductor of conscience, and courier of communication, the puppeteer invests hours of time, meticulously perfecting its puppet. The strings bind them together, and until they are cut, the puppet moves as it is controlled – each and every motion, forever and ever.
I’m running, on a mission. I was told that I had until midnight to figure everything out, and I scramble to collect every clue I can find.
Scavenging for money, I throw it all in a suitcase, get my sister, and run. We have the supplies, and I’ll return the money later, I promise.
We suddenly find ourselves in an elevator, going deep underground in an unknown building. We are in spy headquarters, and I am a double agent. I have to find out who I’m pretending to work for, and what they want from me.
I find myself going on adventures and expeditions; I am in places I don’t recollect traveling to. From walking through city streets to exploring exotic jungles, I drag my suitcase behind me and hope for the best.
My sister is close behind me, and together we keep an eye out for them. We don’t know who we’re looking for, but we look out nonetheless.
We walk for what seems like hours, days, and without talking we focus intently. The suitcase seems to drag behind me – carrying the weight of distress and lies.
Finally back at the headquarters, we are told what we are looking for. About to find out, we are suddenly moved back home, where we return the money. It didn’t get used anyway, it was for protection, and to appear legitimate.
We shed our jackets, take off our glasses, and sit down. We reflect on the mission, for it was unfinished, and needs to be accomplished.
We’re silly fools
with our petty fights
We have petty dreams
and sleepless nights
We lie awake
and think up things
New lives and loves
of queens and kings
We dream and wish
of things above
And get lost in
what never was
The years, they pass
the time grows thin
Our lives have flown
and we don’t know when
We spent true time
thinking up a throne:
That our own has fallen?
how we should have known