My Little Journal

So many things I can’t say out loud.

So many things I want no one to know, but I want everyone to know at the same time. I want to scream them out into the void and have someone find my words and listen. A complete stranger, one who won’t judge me, though, I wouldn’t really care if they did.

I have so many things I want to write out. Emotions, frustrations… life. But, I can’t formulate the words to say to the people I want to listen, nor can I figure out how to write them on here.

So, I bought a journal. A small, leather journal that I write all my thoughts into.

I tried journaling a number of times in the past, but it only lasted two days maximum. Now, I can’t put my journal down. I write and write, sometimes words of gibberish, but they fill pages of my thoughts, pouring out of the pencil and onto the lined pages.

Now, I make sure to grab my journal and pen every night before I go to bed and I write. I write until my fingers feel numb and the lead wears down.

I guess it feels nice having an outlet to express myself. One that feels like I’m talking to many, when, in reality, I’m the only one who gets to read it. It makes me feel safe and exposed all at once, a type of feeling I never thought would be so rejuvenating.

Photo Credit: Favim.com
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Icarus

Don’t get too close to the sun, for you will fall

Don’t get to close to the water, for you will drown

Instead stay on the ground, just safe and sound.

So he did.

Day by day, he’d waste his life away

Blinded by the sun

Immersed into the waves that crashed against the shores

Don’t get too close to the sun, for you can’t fly

Don’t get too close to the water, for you can’t swim

Instead stay on the ground, where you might win

So he stayed.

He stayed on the ground, safe from the wind.

And life dreaded on

And one day he looked around while everything was safe and sound

He started to drown

Not in the shallow waters

He drowned inside himself, drowning in the pools of regret and sorrow

So he got up, and got out

And he flew far away, but he fell

He got too close to the sun, and he fell

He didn’t fly too close to the sun because he thought he could

He flew because he was told he couldn’t

Photo Credit: RaychulWhatsername Deviantart

Dark Lights

There once used to be so much brightness in my life

So much light

The kind of light that shows itself through the floaty leaves flowing in the autumn breeze

The sunlight that glistens against the piercing blue, salty ocean on a summer day

The light that’d peek through my bedroom window followed by the harmonies of birds chirping to wake me up on a spring morning

But light is just a false perception of brightness the world wants you to imagine

There’s so much darker light

The neon pink and blue luminescent lights brightening up a pitch black dance floor

Which eventually turn hazy to the human eye when one too many drinks have been consumed

The artificial light radiating off my desktop lamp

Keeping me up at inhumane hours of the night

The foggy bright city lights

Photo Credit: walldevil.com

Dimmed by pollution

But one night as I was on a journey from one blurred street light to another

Across the horizon, a car sped out of the tunnel right into my point of vision

And just as my vision was blinded by a piercing yellow light

The rest of the world faded black.

Whale Watching

I love the ocean.  But I’m reaaaallllyyy lazy when it comes to actually getting into the water.

Today it was hot and sunny and absolutely beautiful outside.  But I had no motivation to get in the ocean.

My mom probably asked me 7 times to go paddle-boarding with her.  I think I just took a nap instead, I can’t actually remember.

But when I finally stopped being so sluggish, I agreed and we got in the water.

We paddled out and I absent-mindedly started singing “Starlight” by Muse.

All of the sudden, I heard a strange whooshing noise to my left.  I turned and saw a baby gray whale, staring at me. I freaked out and almost fell off my board into a kelp bed I was so excited.

“MMMMMMMOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!” I screamed, I yelled so loud some of the surfers nearby gave me a sideways look.

“Loookkkeeeyyy!” I exclaimed, pointing frantically at the foamy white water where the whale has just disappeared.

She turned just in time to see the whale poke his head up at us.  He seemed to wink, one large eye closing just before he went back under.

“Follow that whale!”

We tailed him long enough to see there were two adults with him.   They each let out a happy spout as they traveled up the coast.

No doubt they were heading for the food-rich waters of Alaska.  They gray whales pass up the California coast each year, an annual migration from Baja, Mexico up where they breed to Alaska, where the feed.

After a while, we lost them in the blinding reflection of the late afternoon sun.

We waved goodbye and started paddling back home.  But after about 5 minutes, I saw a shining black flash peeking out from within a cresting wave.

“MMMMOOOOOOOMMMMM!” I yelled again, pointing and bouncing up and down on my board.

She looked, only to see the bubbles of its disappearing shape, as it dove deep beneath the surface.

We started back again, seeing another pair of whales as we got closer to the beach.  They were far out in the distance, surfacing and playing in the middle of a swarm of seabirds, their dark backs glistening in the sun.

We got so excited about seeing them that we watched a documentary on gray whales after dinner. It was truly an amazing day.

I LOVE WHALES!

Starlight

“Far away
This ship is taking me far away
Far away from my memories
Of the people who care if I live or die

The starlight
I will be chasing your starlight
Until the end of my life
I don’t know if it’s worth it anymore

Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold you in my arms

My life
You electrify my life
Let’s conspire to re-ignite
All the souls that would die just to feel alive

I’ll never let you go
If you promise not to fade away, never fade away

Our hopes and expectations
Black holes & revelations
And our hopes and expectations
Black holes & revelations…”

Starlight, by Muse

Starlight. Better than sunlight, moonlight, candlelight, or any other kind of light.

A scientist would tell you the stars are balls of hydrogen and helium gas burning millions of light years away.

An astrologer would tell you their position determines certain aspects about the world and that they have traditional meanings.

A romantic would tell you they are beauty incarnate.

A poet would call them inspiration.

What are they to me?

They are everything beautiful, ethereal, untouchable and divine.

The stars represent dreams, aspirations and hopes that are unachievable, but always there.

Ever fancied someone you shouldn’t?

It hurts doesn’t it?

But it’s kind of a good hurt.

When I look at the stars, I feel that good hurt. It’s like watching someone you shouldn’t love. They are so exquisite, so alluring and magical.

Everlasting, always just above my head, but I can never touch them.

They twinkle because of the constant shifting of the atmosphere.

Their light takes billions of years to reach Earth. Many stars may have supernova-ed and gone millions, even billions, of years ago. But their light will remain until time catches up with their destruction. And by then, maybe a new star has formed.

They make me feel lonely and surrounded at the same time.

So insignificant, but so honored to be able to see them.

I like to think their twinkling reflects humanity, always changing, moving.

We have existed less than an instant in the scope of space and time, a meaningless fraction in the endless span of the universe.

In that blink of time, we have charged ahead, shedding our light and exploring the stars. We question everything, longing to know the secrets and mysteries, the enigma and irresistible pull that surrounds creation.

They make me want to know impossible beauty.

Sometimes when I look up at them I feel something like a physical pull, something yanking me upwards towards the night sky.

Stars…

Raven Gold, Sapphire Green

Golden and sapphire

The other,

Raven and green

It was never a choice

A simple mistake

So short and so sweet

The memory is mine

Everlasting

But as fate would have us

The cards frowned upon it

A second chance

Was it real?

Or perhaps an illusion

The sensation may fade

The dreams

They do not

Talking in silence

Waves on the shore

Seeing chance wither and die

Stinging skin

Salty, cold

Starlight beams down

Another comes, I listen

Wondering what you think now

Sand flies

Words pull me

Tugging me closer to shore

So far from me now

Words flow and I nod

Hearing, not hearing

Gold flashes brightly

But green, it shines brighter

Defeated am I?

Victorious?

Not

The season is over

Long, long overdue

But the feeling remains

And I ask, have you too?