I don’t even know what to call this.

I’m mad.

I’m sad.

I’m frustrated.

I want to punch a wall.

I want to cry.

I wanna talk to someone, but I’m scared.  I have brought it up to a few people, but they’re not the ones I want to talk to. But, I don’t know how to talk to you.  I don’t know how to tell you what I’m feeling; I don’t really know what I am even feeling.  But, I know it’s dumb.  I don’t care if you hang out with your friends, but yesterday was a bad day so it annoyed me more than it ever should have.  I don’t care if I see you later on Saturday, I don’t know why it made me upset.

Photo Credit: Pinterest.com

Clearly, Saturday really isn’t the thing that is getting to me.  But, I don’t really know what is getting to me.  I honestly just miss you and hate how hard it is to see you.  Also, I’m starting to develop real feelings, which I have been scared of, and have been trying to stay away from since last year.  I don’t want to push you away, but I am scared I am going to subconsciously do that.

I have no clue how to bring this up and actually say this to you and I know my hints are too subtle, but I know you’ve read a couple of my blog posts, so hopefully, you’ll read this and understand it.



Why is it such a big deal?

How does it tear families apart?

Yes, people have different opinions, but why does that make them a monster?

I am so tired of having people hate me for my beliefs.

I am tired of losing friends because of my political party.

I feel as though the side that is supposed to be the most accepting is the side I feel the most attacked by.

I want to be able to have civil conversations and hear other people’s ideas, but I feel as though those conversations are hard to have.  The last time I tried to have a conversation with a friend that had different beliefs than me, she started to become distant and our friendship started to fizzle away.

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The side that wants everyone to be comfortable and happy has made me scared to have a different opinion, but I am no longer going to keep my ideas hidden.  I am a young female Republican who is tired of acting like she isn’t.  I know some people won’t be happy about my beliefs, but I am tired of caring and it is something I want people to know now.

I know that I go to a liberal school and everyone in my journalism class is liberal and I am not trying to offend anyone, but I am just tired of keeping quiet.


be sure to go slow with my heart,

it already beats too fast.

and, for me, it’s different

Photo Credit: pinterest.com

when you hold your hand in mine

or when you look at me like that.

sometimes, i’m left without breath

for no reason,

so it’s not fair

when you run your hands through your hair.

i know in any given moment

when i’m with you,

the butterflies in my stomach aren’t simply innocent.

in our sunday morning coffee dates,

it isn’t the caffeine that makes me jittery.

no, my nervous giggles aren’t your fault.

you aren’t doing anything wrong.

but, when you do all your perfect little things,

when you do everything right,

it doesn’t make breathing any easier.

and, no, i’m not ignoring you

when i go silent,

i’m just afraid of saying the wrong things

because i don’t want to come to the day

when your smile isn’t a guarantee.

Decisions, Decisions

The past few months have been a game of waiting and then a game of choosing. I applied to 7 colleges, and received acceptances from 5 – Chapman University, California Lutheran University, Sonoma State University, San Jose State University, and UC Merced.

All of these schools seemed like good options to me. A few of them were closer to home than others, and I was just a little unsure if that was something that I wanted or not. I decided against San Jose State and UC Merced for a few different reasons. But there was one college I really wanted to go to, and that was Chapman.

I’ve known many people that have gone to Chapman, and they all love it there. It’s in a great location, the education is great, the campus is beautiful, and the people are extremely nice. The one downfall is that it costs about $58 thousand each year to attend. When I received my acceptance letter, I was a bit worried that I wouldn’t get financial aid. But I waited, and waited, until my financial aid letter came. And, unfortunately, my fears came true when I was only offered loans as financial aid. I knew that my family wouldn’t be able to afford that much money for 4 years.

Because of my unfortunate incident with that school, I had to look at the rest of my choice. I knew two of them were out, so it was basically a choice between Sonoma State and Cal Lutheran (Located in Thousand Oaks near LA). They both seemed like really great schools, neither of them were too big, and students seemed to really like both of them. Sonoma is much closer to my house. But, Sonoma is a public school with 5 thousand more students than Cal Lutheran. I visited Sonoma in January, and the one thing I noticed and absolutely loved were the dorms. They were like miniature apartments. They are probably the nicest college dorms I have been in. I visited Cal Lutheran just this past week, and although the dorms were not as nice, the campus was very pretty. I talked to a former student of OVS, and she seems to really like the time she has spent there. She said that the teachers were extremely helpful and that the classes are pretty small – the average class size is below 30, while I know Sonoma state has up to a few hundred in certain classes.

Even after I visited both, I still was unsure what I wanted. Sonoma meant I could visit my friends at home and family much more often. Cal Lutheran meant that I could go to LA and visit my friends that live down here, and also I felt like I would get more help with schoolwork if I needed it.

I was having such a hard time deciding that I went to my good friend for help. She knows a lot about college in general, and had a hard time deciding for herself, so I figured I’d ask how she did it and what her advice was. She asked a question that made it really clear for me that I hadn’t thought of; “Where will you thrive?” I thought for a while and realized that in a school of 9,000 people, even thought considered “small” compared to many universities, I felt that Cal Lutheran would really help me learn more and challenge myself to a point where I will succeed and feel extremely accomplished about it. I started to feel like I would get lost at Sonoma and let me responsibilities slip away from me.

So, that night, I called my parents and talked to them about my decision. Since Cal Lutheran gave me $14,000 dollars per year through a scholarship, it ends up costing about the same (though a little bit more) than the public tuition of Sonoma State, which was a great thing to know. Even though my family is well-off financially, my dad is paying for 2 other kids to go to college, and has paid for 4 years of my private education here at OVS.

In no time, I had paid my enrollment fee and housing deposit for California Lutheran University. I have officially decided where I am going to college and have committed! I was so excited that I even treated myself to a Cal Lutheran sweatshirt, something I felt kind of dorky doing but felt it was appropriate for such a major decision in my life.

Honestly, I was a bit nervous that I was making the wrong decision, but now I feel very confident in it. I feel like it is a very strong and welcoming community that I will fit well in. And, of course, if I end up just hating it – which I completely doubt – I can always transfer somewhere else.

In short, I’m just so glad I have made the decision and committed. The next 4 years of my life are set for me now. Even thought I had initially wanted to attend a different school, I am starting to think that this one will be just as good if not better. I’m a bit nervous to start my first year of college but I’m also excited at the same time. I can’t wait to see what this experience brings me.




i just cant.

I feel like these four days are killing me.

On December 1st, I will receive two emails from Williams and Amherst, letting me know whether or not I have been accepted. I don’t know what time the emails will come which makes things worse for me! I will be checking every five minutes on that day! Will it come at noon like the last email? If so will it come at noon Eastern Time? Would that make it arrive in my inbox at nine?

I am scared because Williams and Amherst are one of the nations top colleges. Williams is rated #1 in Forbes Best College List and #1 liberal arts schools in U.S. News and World Report Best College List. Amherst is #4 on Forbes and #2 in U.S. News and World.

Williams College is a small school of just over 2,000 students with an acceptance rate of 20 percent. SDLKFJSDLJF. So 20 out of 100 students that apply get in. 80 get a rejection.

Amherst is even worse. It has an acceptance rate of 16. So in this case, 84 would get the boot.

What I am scared the most about is, like I said in my previous blog, whether or not I will hate the isolation. I am scared that I will hate being in the middle of nowhere (being three and a half hours away from Boston) and find myself hating the weather too!

I think too much.

I am both dreading and waiting for Thursday to come.

God, please choose the right school for me.

Butterflies, Again

Fingertips feel numb. Palms feel cold. Stomach feels light. Head feels warm.

I welcome this unease.

Two become one from 2,000 to none in perhaps less than seven.

Which makes me worry. I don’t get hungry anymore.

I welcome this unease.

I won’t be unfaithful, but I might stray. I might stray. No, only for a minute. But it is always you. Something always brings me back to you…unwillingly, powerfully, endearingly, courageously, always.

I welcome this unease.

Let the butterflies consume my heart when I see you again. Let them take over. Let them feast. Feast until they have had their fill, and more. So it will last me until our next unspoken encounter.


In this blog, I am going to write about love. Yes, I’m sure many of those who are reading this article will know personally who it is that I will be writing about. Some may think it’s silly but, hey, a blog is supposed to be a place where you share your emotions and feelings on certain topics right?

Well, there is this special person in my life right now and his name is Kai Emilio Littlefield.  He is bit over a head taller than I am with thick dark hair, the nicest brown eyes, and a handsome smile. I started to like him towards the end of my freshman year. He asked me out on April 29, 2009 on a bus and we have been dating ever since.

In the beginning, I was at that stage where I was nervous to be on the same campus as he was, knowing that I would run into him sooner or later. I still remember the first time he held my hand and-God forbid I say this on the OVS journalism blog-our first kiss. I didn’t know it then, but I was falling in love with him.

Today, almost one year and seven months later, he has become one of my closest friends, my prince, and the happiest part of my day. Sure, we have had our ups and downs before but at the end of the day, our relationship only grows stronger and I love him that much more.

Kai is very quirky sometimes. But that’s why I love him so much. He doesn’t know it, but he knows how to make me smile and he makes a bad day so much better. His voice, his smile, his eyes, and his hugs put a smile on my face. The way he trips over his words sometimes when he gets excited is just the cutest thing. The nervousness that plagued me when we first started dating is now replaced with total comfort. That doesn’t mean I love him less-in fact, it means the complete opposite. It just means that what I feel for him isn’t just puppy love.

For me, the saddest day, I know, will be the day he graduates. The first semester is already coming to an end and the second semester is just around the corner. Soon enough, it will be graduation day, and I will see him, as well as my beloved friends, walk down that cobblestone stage. It will be the worst feeling knowing that I wouldn’t be able to see his smile everyday like I can now. But until then, I’ll just continue to fall more and more in love with his laugh and his smile. I guess this is a shout out to you Kai for being the best boyfriend (even though I know you will never be able to read this because you don’t have WordPress). I love you so much Kai!