“i think i loved you before i knew you”

you are some type of artist- any kind whether it be you’re a musician, film-maker, painter, writer, or dancer. it doesn’t matter what type of art but you create it, it’s ok even if you only show me.

you do extraordinary things, things you don’t even tell me about. i want to know you’re doing big things even if i don’t see you. big things can really be as small as you want. long story short, i just want to know you’re do good things you don’t feel the need to tell me about. i just want to know you’re always being kind.

i need you to have an open mind- i want you to be able to be open to the possibility of anything and everything? you say you hate pop music but you really mean you hate bubblegum pop which i stand behind.

you need to be better than me. tell me to stop being mean! encourage me to learn! teach me things!  tell me to stop being mean, tell me to stop being mean, tell me to stop being MEAN! teach me things!

i need you to make me laugh. i want to look at each other when we overhear something we weren’t supposed to and start cracking up. i want to look at my texts and see that you thought of me when that kid on a skateboard with a beanie on was playing Ode to Viceroy by Mac Demarco on repeat because… well, we know why.

make me scared to lose you. you have to make me feel like i could never lose you or else i would lose my whole heart too. you will accomplish this by not being too clingy; don’t always touch me and make me feel clustered, so it feels special when you hold my hand.  don’t love me any less, though. please don’t play games with me or else i might get insecure and end things before you can finish your sentence.

dependent, we can not be too dependent on each other because that’s toxic, we must find a balance.

you’re brilliant. it doesn’t have to be conventional. you don’t have to have a 4.0 or even a 3.5. you probably think the school system sucks and i probably agree. grades do not determine how intelligent you are! you can be smart in the way you think, the way you speak, your ideas, or the way you project your mind. there are so many ways to have a beautiful mind; i know you will have one.

you’re loving/lovable. you don’t care that sometimes i’m distant when i’m sad and you only try to bring me closer. somehow you will break that barrier between us and i’m sorry it’s going to be hard to do and god can only hope it’s possible, but i know you will (even though it’s going to be scary).  you don’t care about how i look when i cry even though my face gets really red. you love me for everything i do and probably much more than i love myself. and i love you too.

i haven’t met you yet, or maybe I have, but i don’t know you well enough to be able to tell. one day, i will fall in love with you and hopefully you fall in love with me too. god, i hope it’s soon, but if it’s not that’s ok too.

(this is a blog about how i used to have absolutely NO standard. i took anything/everything i could because i did not value myself. i am growing into myself and now am setting some standards, because i am wonderful! i am meaningful! i am appreciated! no matter how much i don’t believe it, i know in some way or form it is true. i value myself too much to continue to “give” myself to people who are irrelevant in my life. not to say everyone i have ever talked to other than platonically is irrelevant in any way, but i have talked to some people who are irrelevant in my own life, but are going to be the most meaningful in someones else’s. i’m going into 2019 with expectations! for myself and the people i surround myself with not only romantically!)

photo credit: pinterest.com

 

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silly boy !!!

i remember you so well.

your blonde hair and blue eyes,

how you made me fall for you,

where my first kiss was and how i skipped away.

i remember thinking i’d never meet someone like you ever again.

you told me that i would, that boys will get better in a few years.

i never did meet anyone like you again, though.

but i don’t know if i did if i would fall so hard again.

you weren’t completely responsible for having my whole heart.

you just had me when my heart was the fullest and i needed to project it

and you knew the right things to say and do.

silly boy took my heart years ago!!!

i don’t know if i’ll ever have that again,

a full heart that is.

i’m not still hung up on you,

not at all.

but i was too young for what you did to me.

you opened me up and i felt

and i felt.

and if we stayed together, my feelings probably would never have died.

i know you didn’t mean to, but

i’ve never felt that way about anyone ever again,

it’s so unfair because

now i do what you did.

i know you didn’t mean it, because i surely wasn’t your first.

you were made for me, but i wasn’t made for you-

it happens.

when i do it, i don’t mean it either.

maybe i was made for you, but you surely weren’t made for me.

although, i wish I was.

silly boy took my heart years ago!!!

 

photo credit: pinterest.com

the time change didn’t just change the time

skies have been dark hues recently along with my mood.

“this song’s for you if you hate yourself.”

i knew it was for us.

switch up when im feeling like i dont have a place,

drawing on my shoes ruining everything I own.

full of excuses.

i’m sorry-

we both know i would do it again though.

question marks on my hands

who am i?

it gets dark around 5 or 6 now.

me too.

damn you, time change!

someone called me self-righteous,

i doubt it.

you open me up.

mad at the world,

but more at the stupid bus ride here.

the penny we saw at the bottom of the fountain last week was low;

i’ve been feeling lower

i miss my friends as soon as they leave;

when i need you most, i don’t want you at all.

i lock myself in the car until i no longer look like

my own shit show!

 

photo credit: pintrest.com

I am not Sad

I assumed things I shouldn’t have.

I thought it was a date.

But, I’m not sad it wasn’t.

I am just a little disappointed.

 

I thought about my outfit for days.

I planned everything out, down to the perfume I was going to wear.

But, I am not sad that I did that all for nothing.

I am just a little disappointed.

 

Photo Credit: Pinterest.com

We were supposed to drive around and do stupid things in our cars.

Instead, we sat in your truck and watched the sunset, talking for hours.

I am not sad I spent that time with you.

I am just a little disappointed.

 

The way we talked was not how friends talk.

The things that were said were clearly more than friendly.

But, I am not sad it meant nothing.

I am just a little disappointed.

 

I blabbered about us hanging out and me having feelings for you.

Then I asked if it was a date and if you were into me and all I heard was you weren’t over your ex.

I am not sad.

I am just a little disappointed.

 

I know you need time and I understand that, but why did you let me believe that there was something between us?

I am sad that you flirted with me.

I am disappointed that she is still in your head, but I understand.

(I’m calling dibs when you’re ready)

The Future

I keep trying to help myself.

I think about future dates,

the person I’ll marry,

and the next person I’ll love.

But, no matter how many times I try, the only person I picture is you.

I want to not think about you,

I don’t want to remember you

Why did you tell me you wanted to marry me?

Photo credit: Pinterest.com

Why did you say you wanted three kids with me?

Why the fuck did you want to plan a future with me, if I ended up out of it?

Why did you tell people you loved me?

Why did you take me to meet your family?

Why did you cry when I told you I loved you on that cold December night?

Did the cold get to you? Did you need some warmth on that winter night?

If it was all real, how did it all disappear?

Time Flies By

When I think about May 31st, 2019, I think about what I’m leaving behind when I walk across the amphitheater to get my high school diploma.

I’m leaving behind the campus I’ve called my home the past four years, the classes where I challenged myself and found my passions, and the teachers who helped me find those passions. I’m leaving behind my friends, who I won’t see at breakfast every morning or go on camping trips with anymore.

These last four years weren’t always easy. As much as I’ve loved them, they were some of the most challenging years of my life. But, one thing made life away from home just a little easier to manage and it wasn’t my teachers or friends.

It was my horse. A bay, appendix quarter horse named Time who I’ve been riding since my freshman year. My family always asks me what I’ll miss the most about OVS when I leave and the answer is always the same: Time.

When the Thomas Fire came on December 4th, 2017, I panicked as we were evacuating on the bus thinking my horse wasn’t going to make it out alive. I cried myself to sleep, despite the constant reassurances. Over the summer, I ended up crying again when I went three months without riding and, more specifically, without riding Time. I don’t know what’s going to happen when I have to say goodbye to him during the last week of school knowing that it’ll be the last goodbye. Knowing hat I won’t be getting back on once summer is over. Knowing that one day, towards the end of May, I will untack for the last time and possibly never get back on him. That, the following September, he’ll get a new rider and I’ll be at a university in a completely different city. I hope that rider loves that freaking horse as much as I do, though. Sometimes I wonder if that’s possible.

So many things happened the last four years with Time by my side. I went with him to my first horse show, on my first horse camping trip, my first dressage clinic, and my first injury, which he gave me after he threw me off at said horse show. Even though I got a fractured back, the story was still funny and memorable.

Photo Credit: ignant.com

I can imagine leaving OVS and going off to college, but I can’t imagine leaving Time. I can’t imagine my school day not consisting of me going to the barn at the end of the day and getting on him whether the lesson ends up going well or not. I wish I could take him with me to college, but it’s probably not possible.

Last Friday, my aunt and uncle came to watch me ride. “I don’t understand how some people just let go of their horses or sell them,” my aunt said. “They’re pets too.”

Time may have not be mine legally, but he is mine. At least, I like to say he is and, at least, many other people thought Time was mine before I told them he wasn’t. But, he is my horse. The horse I’ve ridden for all of high school and the animal I’ve developed a bond with.

I’m not ready to let Time go, but I’ll have to and I will. Even if it might be one of the most painful things I’ll ever have to do.

Broken-hearted

I am so numb.  So broken and hopeless.  I feel like my heart is being ripped out, but I also feel nothing.  I loved someone, but it was clearly so one-sided.

We had so many memories that don’t matter anymore. I have no clue what to do.

The most loyal, helpful, best person I thought I had in my life is gone.

“Don’t ever fucking talk to me again,” keeps going through my head.  “Dumb ass bitch,  You don’t know shit.”  How could someone that loved someone say that?  How could they just leave so easily?  How could they not care?

Photo Credit: Pinterest.com

Why should I even care?  I don’t deserve that, right?

Of course, no one deserves that.

I deserve someone who will love me and stay by my side.  At least, that is what I have been trying to tell myself every since my best friend chose a boy over me.