Wandering

Let me be your beacon,

let me be your guiding light.

I know you’re scared, tired, and broken,

but I’m here to hold you tight.

I know you hide your fears from me,

you get ashamed when you let them show,

but babe,

I’ve cried in your arms many times,

so please just let me know

what’s going on in that beautiful mind of yours,

your wicked, twisted, brain

filled with lies and awful times,

but babe let me be your change.

I just want to love you,

you’ve been through so god damn much,

your beautiful soul deserves the world you know,

I wish you thought the same.

I’m sorry for everyone who hurt you,

you’re scared to let me in because you fear I’ll do the same.

Everyone you’ve loved has done you wrong,

but darling I’m not the same.

So let me be your beacon,

let me be your guiding light.

I know you’re scared, tired, and broken,

but I’m here to hold you tight.

Photo via: searchengineland.com

Will I even remember this?

I’ve recently come back to a certain state of mind. 

It wasn’t a choice and nothing or no one triggered it. 

I disconnect from the world completely without even realizing. 

I leave my body, my brain as if watching over myself like a spirit. 

Unaware if this is a past life or really just my reality. 

Looking down to my hands lying limply on my lap unaware that they’re even mine. 

It hits me I exist. I am here and alive. 

I go through life numb, forgetting all that I’ve accomplished. 

Coming home just to forget every conversation I had that day. 

It seems as if theres an intruder taking charge of my every move.

To then steal my memories, leaving none for me. 

My eyes glazed over staring off into a false reality. 

Blinking, recalling none of this is a dream. 

I am breathing, living human being who feels nothing.  

Unaware if I’ll ever get to meet this person taking shelter in my own skin. 

I’m unwillingly dissociated, but aspire to feel anything.

credit to reddit, Sarah Carrasco

panic

Of course it happened while I was walking up.

Every breath of O2 coming in through my nose leaving with more force than the one before.

I wondered what it was that boiled my blood.

I know everyone thinks mind over matter but what about when your mind is the problem?

What do you do then?

The silence down the line only made my heart beat louder

With every step I took my thoughts raced a little faster

How did I paint myself this?

For what is the world with no one to share it?

Breath

Heart

Girl

Boy

Breath

Heart

Girl

Boy

Breath

Heart

Breath

Flight

For what is the world?

The silence broke and mended me all in one 

Thank you

Headspace you’d like to call it

I see it differently

I know everyone thinks mind over matter but what about when your mind is the problem?

Extraordinary

This world is beautiful

I love this view

photo credit: pinterest.com

The Years

I wanted time to speed up.  Everything seemed like it was moving slower than a tortoise going for an afternoon stroll.  I wanted everything to end.  It seemed like those 4 years would drag on and would take up my whole life.  I always thought that those 4 years would be filled with tears of stress and sadness.  I really believed they were going to be the worst 4 years of my life.

But, now, I’m sitting in my last class of high school and all I’m asking for is five more minutes.  Everything flashed by in the blink of an eye.  I want to relive so many things.  Those 4 years went by too fast and seemed like they were one of the smallest parts of my life.  The years were filled with tears of stress and sadness, but they were also filled with happiness and love.  So far they have been the best 4 years of my life; I made so many friends, had so many new experiences, and really learned who I was.  I just want to live in it for five more minutes.

Photo Credit: Pinterest.com

looking back

tonight i have been feeling extra reminiscent.

i saw a picture from where i used to live and i couldn’t help but think, don’t get me wrong i am so grateful to be where i am and to have met the people i have, but i can’t help but think what it would be like if my mom never got re-married.

what if i still lived half with my dad and half with my mom? if i never came here at all?

i’ve never thought about the house since we moved out, but now that i am, i miss it.

i miss the holes in the walls separating the living room and the hallway where the old buddha statue sat on the ground.

i miss the CD player in my sister’s room and i miss when she would make me dance in front of her cool high-school friends.

i miss when my siblings would get along and when my grandma would still cook for us during the holidays.

i miss the little cabinet in the hallway across from my dad’s room that held all my shitty clothes he would find for me.

i miss the trampoline and my brothers old drum set that was in the garage.

i miss when my dad would take me to blockbuster, when he would let me ride my sisters’ electric scooters, and when we would sneak into the elementary school down the street to play handball.

i even miss the pasta he would make every single night, the scratchy popcorn ceiling, and being forced to sit on the floor in the living room and watch avatar with my dad.

i miss my family, i miss my old neighbors.

i miss my family, my sisters, my brother, my dad, my grandma and her boyfriend (rest in paradise by the way, marvin). like i said, feeling a little extra-reminiscent tonight.

i miss being young. shit! one day soon, i’m going to miss being the age i am now.

how do i make the time stop?

photo credit: pinterest.com

 

Interstellar

I like space and planets and the stars. It amazes me and it’s its nice to know that there are some things that no one understands. I think it’s humbling in a way.

I get caught up in my own life; my problems seem so big and overwhelming. When I’m trapped focusing on my life, I forget that I am one person out of eight billion. I forget how small I really am.

It bothers me so much seeing people who think they are better than everyone: better than other people, better than animals, better than everything. People destroy nature, kill animals, and hurt others all because they think they can. They think that they’re above everything.

I wish I could tell them. I wish they could just understand that they are just one letter in a thousand page essay, one raindrop in a ten hour storm, one frame in a five hour documentary, one out of 8 billion tiny insignificant people.

The stars are a good reminder. As big as you think you are, as big as you think your problems are, there is always something bigger.

 

Photo Credit: Festim Kelmendi

Cheating

Photo Credit: Pinterest.com

I sat in my chair sitting not believing what I had just heard.  Another student had just told me that you cheated on me the whole relationship and he’s pretty sure you left me for her.

I know it’s been a year and I happy in my current relationship, but for some reason, it stings a little.

Actually, it stings a lot.  I am no longer in love with you and still wonder why I ever was, but I still can’t believe it was all a game to you.  You were the first person I gave my full heart to, the person I trusted everything with, and the person I was ready to do anything for.

I wish you just told me so I didn’t find out from someone else or that you left me before you cheated because honestly, that would have hurt less.

If I would have found this out before I found my current boyfriend, I honestly don’t know how I would have been able to trust anyone again.  I am happy that I moved on and my current boyfriend taught me how much better men can be, but it stings to think about what you did and it’s going to be something I will carry with me in every relationship.

Although I am beyond happy now, I still feel that hurt and betrayal from you, like you stabbed me in the back.