A couple days ago, my friend said to someone that it triggered her seeing couples affectionate in public, because it reminded her of how her ex wasn’t around anymore.

I added onto the conversation by saying that’s how I felt the past three years, not the missing an ex, but about being affected by seeing couples in public.

She responded by saying it wasn’t the same and I understood it wasn’t the same; that I haven’t experienced letting go of someone you’ve loved for so long.

But, being alone the whole time sucks just as much and I wish she understood that, because she pushed my feeling aside as if it didn’t matter how I have been feeling for most of my high school years.

The last three years, I watched my best friends fall in love and have boyfriends who loved them just as much and I was all alone. My subconscious constantly reminded me that they would always choose their boyfriends first, that they would always love them more. I don’t really blame them, though. If I had someone like that and a relationship like that in my life, I’d probably feel the same way, act the same way, and be the same way. It still hurts being the fifth wheel, instead of¬†simply being¬†a friend. It still hurts knowing no one would feel that way about me. I knew they were happy, though, and I supported their happiness. But, all I wanted was that they knew the slightest bit how it felt for me.

I’m always the one to say I don’t care about relationships. I say that I’m not clingy enough to be a girlfriend or that I’m too focused on friendships, academics, and equestrian to even think about being in one. In reality, that was a big, fat lie. I guess it’s not the relationship itself I craved, but wishing to be someone’s treasure or world, to have someone love me as much as I love them, even for a short period of time. I hope they’re thankful for it forever, even if it wasn’t permanent, because it’s something I’ve never experienced yet.

And something I’m scared I never will.

Photo Credit: home.bt.com


A little Dove chocolate told me to enjoy the small things in life.

This is a stage in my life that I need the small things.

With the stress of school, sports, and a social life, it’s the little moments that make it all worth it.

They happen here and there, but today for instance it rained.

The rain brings me great happiness. It cleanses the ground, but it makes everything clean and new.

Flowers bloom, and otherwise dusty hills become rolling green hills.

This is the entrance into spring that we have been waiting for.

The past few weeks have brought a lot of stress to an already stressful life.

One would think that having a single mother with multiple incurable diseases would cause stress.

Having her go to the hospital unexpectedly would seem to cause stress, but that is my life.

This is who I am, this is how my family works.

I can accept that my mother is sick and I can find happiness in the fact that she always comes home, although sometimes not without a fight, she has managed to make it back every time.

On this Easter Sunday I ask you to consider this.

I don’t care what your beliefs are, or if you don’t believe, but there is something on this Earth and beyond that has kept my mother here.

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