Chocolate or Vanilla?

“There comes a time in life when you have to make a choice. Of course, these times are not rare; however, some are far more difficult than others. Deciding what ice cream flavor to get becomes easier with time- it was a lot harder to decide when you were 6 than it probably is now. All choices become easier with time and a bit of perspective.”

That’s the last thing I wrote in my journal (if you call it a diary, I will find you, and I will typewriter you), and I’ve decided that instead of finishing it there, I’ll continue here. I’m trying to achieve a sort of trust between myself, my work, and you, the reader. Whoever you may be.

Writing about your own personal feelings is a gamble, especially at this school. Lately, I’ve felt like everything I say, not just around school officials, but also around friends, is judged and is unsafe. A lot of trust is being breached, and before almost everything I say, I have to make a choice, and sometimes it becomes extremely hard. The choice is whether or not I will share information with the friend, and how it will affect our relationship, and how it might hurt me if he/she told someone else.

Why do I have to be faced with this choice every single time I talk to someone? Is that the ideal community that was pitched to me when I applied here? I guess every big family comes with problems, but I never knew that I would have to feel so regulated. Everything said seems to have to go along with the rules, even in private conversation, and that’s honestly terrifying. Even writing this is a risk- will I get in trouble for expressing my feelings? I guess that’s a gamble I’m willing to take.

Now, I am faced with a really big choice. I’m not going to articulate what it is, because I know teachers read this, and I really don’t think they want to know about my personal life (assuming they’ve figured out who I am). But what I can say about it is that it will make or break me, if I let it. I’m stuck in a mind-set that it will break me, and I know that I need to get past that and find the strength inside of myself to say I’ll make it through no matter what I choose. But I guess that wouldn’t make it the hardest choice.

I’m trying to get some perspective on this choice, but every angle, every new piece of information just makes it harder. Maybe I have to stop over complicating it and just choose. Wish me luck, I guess. May the odds be ever in my favor?

Ignore that. One Hunger Games reference is too much.

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