I think one of the reasons I’m always so fixated on others is because how much I hate myself.
I’m often called annoying, because I ask to many questions.
I’m often called nosy, because I get in other peoples business.
I’m often told I copy others, so I need to stop trying to be like everyone else.
I’m often called jealous, because I need to be happy for others.
I’m often called a liar, so I need to stop over exaggerating and be more honest.
I’m often called conceited, so I need to stop talking about what things I have done.
I’m often called self degrading, so I need to get out of my head.
But here’s the thing…
I ask a lot of questions because I rarely trust myself and need reassurance.
I get in other peoples business because hearing other peoples’ flaws distracts me of my own.
I copy others at times because I want to fit in, be accepted, and I simply don’t fully know who I am or how to be myself yet.
I lie at times because I am ashamed or embarrassed of something I have or haven’t done. I lie because I think I’m worthless and I don’t want others to think that too. I lie solely because I’m scared of the truth. In many aspects, I’m a failure to the too-fast, too-soon goals I have created to for myself.
I come off as conceited because when I do something I’m proud of, I want it to be known because it is rare that I am happy about something I’ve done. My accomplishments and my talents are the few things that I truly know are a part of my identity. A lot of times, I say the things I have done well just to remind myself I’m capable of actually doing good. I have a hard time being humble because I assume people view me as worthless, the same way I view myself. Sharing my accomplishments proves that I’m actually capable of achieving good.
I come of as self-degrading because I am. I refuse to accept the fact that I can’t be the best at everything. I set goals that are beyond my reach and set myself up for failure. I punish myself for every goal I don’t achieve, resulting in my belief that loosing is the end of the world.
I know that one of the reasons I’m always so fixated on others is because how much I hate myself.
I know the reasons behind my flaws don’t make up for them, but understanding is the first step to solving them.