New Games on the Block

Recently there have been some games that have been released or partially released to those who pre-ordered them. Some of the primary games in this category are Call of Duty Vanguard and Battlefield 2042. There are some other games that have come out recently but these are the big two in my personal opinion.

(these are in no particular order of how much I like the game)

First off is Call of Duty Vanguard, this game is a classic Cod (Cod is call of duty for short) it has the basic ideas that show up in most Cods. These characteristics include similar game modes and attachment addons. Gamemodes are as follows Free for all, team deathmatch, capture point, and search and destroy. I look at most Cods as of recently is the Developers just gave the previous game a new coat of paint and called it good, making it not one of my top choices for games.

Image Credit: Forbes

The next game I want to talk about is Battlefield 2042. Battlefield is a first-person shooter or fps for short like Cod but it has its own unique quirks and game modes. To start Battlefield has 3 primary game modes, one is called conquest, in this game mode, you and your team are tasked with controlling as many points on the map as possible while the enemy has the exact same goal making it a fight to the death over point control. The second is called Breakthrough, in this game mode, you and your team have to take points in a consecutive order making your way through the map, because of the points needing to be taken in a certain order it creates more of a centered combat area as opposed to Conquest where it’s just everyone running around. The final game mode is called Hazard zone and it is quite the new idea for the Battlefield franchise. In Hazard zone, you and your team of four are dropped somewhere on the map and are tasked with collecting data drives and extracting via a helicopter to earn in-game currency. Overall Battlefield is built to withstand the abuse that players with put it through because of this it is not made once a year like Call of Duty making the Battlefield games feel more polished.

Image Credit: Game News 24

My Quirky Self

There are many things in life that I do to calm myself down and relax. Personally, I think that the ability to relax easily is a gift that some people don’t have, me being one of the less fortunate. I have something called Propreoseptive nervous system disorder, which is a disorder that causes a variety of symptoms. These symptoms can include not realizing your own strength or how close you are to others and the ability to walk in a straight line. All of these symptoms are affected by proprioception which the dictionary defines as “perception or awareness of the position and movement of the body” this can cause you to lean on desks because you feel like you need extra support when sitting because you are unbalanced. Anyway back to the idea of relaxing, I find myself laying on desks breaking pencil lead or getting really close to people without realizing and I find that it makes others uncomfortable, occasionally I will flat tire people because of getting as close as I do. I find it hard to relax because I feel like I’m sitting weird when I’m sitting and this causes me to wiggle about in my seat and always need to be moving. I am also really impulsive and end up saying shit with no context or just not thinking before I speak or move. I can tell that this impulsiveness is irritating to others because of the fact that people tend to try and stay farther away from me rather than close. I may put out that I’m confident and strong-willed but I’m really nervous making every decision and I always have this thought in my mind that people hate me and I make myself think that I don’t know why but in reality it’s all because of my idiocy and how I push myself into conversations all the time. I feel a sense of mauerbauertraurigkeit (describes people who build an emotional wall around them and then, paradoxically, suffer from the resulting loneliness) in my life that I can’t get rid of and it makes me feel cut off when I do have friends and people that want to hang out with me I just struggle being there face to face with them.

Photo Credit: Almany.com

Confessions

I think one of the reasons I’m always so fixated on others is because how much I hate myself.

I’m often called annoying, because I ask to many questions.

I’m often called nosy, because I get in other peoples business.

I’m often told I copy others, so I need to stop trying to be like everyone else.

I’m often called jealous, because I need to be happy for others.

I’m often called a liar, so I need to stop over exaggerating and be more honest.

I’m often called conceited, so I need to stop talking about what things I have done.

I’m often called self degrading, so I need to get out of my head.

But here’s the thing…

I ask a lot of questions because I rarely trust myself and need reassurance.

I get in other peoples business because hearing other peoples’ flaws distracts me of my own.

I copy others at times because I want to fit in, be accepted, and I simply don’t fully know who I am or how to be myself yet.

I lie at times because I am ashamed or embarrassed of something I have or haven’t done.  I lie because I think I’m worthless and I don’t want others to think that too. I lie solely because I’m scared of the truth. In many aspects, I’m a failure to the too-fast, too-soon goals I have created to for myself.

Photo Credit: Pinterest.com

I come off as conceited because when I do something I’m proud of, I want it to be known because it is rare that I am happy about something I’ve done. My accomplishments and my talents are the few things that I truly know are a part of my identity. A lot of times, I say the things I have done well just to remind myself I’m capable of actually doing good. I have a hard time being humble because I assume people view me as worthless, the same way I view myself. Sharing my accomplishments proves that I’m actually capable of achieving good.

I come of as self-degrading because I am. I refuse to accept the fact that I can’t be the best at everything. I set goals that are beyond my reach and set myself up for failure. I punish myself for every goal I don’t achieve, resulting in my belief that loosing is the end of the world.

I know that one of the reasons I’m always so fixated on others is because how much I hate myself.

I know the reasons behind my flaws don’t make up for them, but understanding is the first step to solving them.