My Quirky Self

There are many things in life that I do to calm myself down and relax. Personally, I think that the ability to relax easily is a gift that some people don’t have, me being one of the less fortunate. I have something called Propreoseptive nervous system disorder, which is a disorder that causes a variety of symptoms. These symptoms can include not realizing your own strength or how close you are to others and the ability to walk in a straight line. All of these symptoms are affected by proprioception which the dictionary defines as “perception or awareness of the position and movement of the body” this can cause you to lean on desks because you feel like you need extra support when sitting because you are unbalanced. Anyway back to the idea of relaxing, I find myself laying on desks breaking pencil lead or getting really close to people without realizing and I find that it makes others uncomfortable, occasionally I will flat tire people because of getting as close as I do. I find it hard to relax because I feel like I’m sitting weird when I’m sitting and this causes me to wiggle about in my seat and always need to be moving. I am also really impulsive and end up saying shit with no context or just not thinking before I speak or move. I can tell that this impulsiveness is irritating to others because of the fact that people tend to try and stay farther away from me rather than close. I may put out that I’m confident and strong-willed but I’m really nervous making every decision and I always have this thought in my mind that people hate me and I make myself think that I don’t know why but in reality it’s all because of my idiocy and how I push myself into conversations all the time. I feel a sense of mauerbauertraurigkeit (describes people who build an emotional wall around them and then, paradoxically, suffer from the resulting loneliness) in my life that I can’t get rid of and it makes me feel cut off when I do have friends and people that want to hang out with me I just struggle being there face to face with them.

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