It’s like clockwork, every year at some point, that feeling of numbness and dissociation kicks back in like it never left. I can’t control it, but I can always see it coming, almost like watching a car crash in slow motion. I do everything I’m supposed to: I take my meds, I go to therapy, I have a routine, and yet no matter how hard I try or how many tools I use, I can’t escape this feeling. It never fully goes away either; it lies dormant, but I know it’s still there, waiting for the moment to awaken again. I hate that no matter how many years of work I have put in to escape this feeling and to escape those dark places my mind takes me, I can’t seem to fully get away; it will always be there, waiting for me to slip and fall back into the cycle. Depression is something that never goes away, no matter how many meds you take or how many therapy sessions you go to, but it is something you can come out on the other side of, even if it seems impossible. I have done it a million times, and I would do it a million more if it means I get to live my life to the fullest and make myself proud. Depression is most likely something I will struggle with for the rest of my life but I will never let it control my life again.

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