Category: sad

Pressure

underwaterismyflyzoneLeave a comment

Being trapped in a fucking superficial choke hold

You say I look pretty, but I don’t feel better not enlightened, nothing like the eight-fold

Can one be seen for more than the shape of their nose?

Probably not how could I even suppose

We claim to be changing the way we think, as a whole, as a society

Definitely not because the way we look still gives people panic attacks, anxiety.

Trying to express yourself, or make a statement resulting in getting called a slut

Looking to get called a prude, insecure, or just plain unattractive if you don’t walk around confidently, if you don’t strut

How could I believe in people acting better?

“Why the hell are you going out wearing that sweater?”

Beauty standards driving me mad

Get me out of here, I want to leave, will I look back and this will be all that I had?

Definition of you and me

What color are your nails? How much were your jeans? Did you get a degree?

Adjourn these standards, adjourn this rhyme scheme, adjourn society!!

photo credit: pinterest

iffy // certain

underwaterismyflyzoneLeave a comment

Sometimes I can’t tell if the fact that we as a human species are minuscule is terrifying, or comforting.

Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever figure out what I want out of this world or what this world wants out of me.

Sometimes I wonder if people think about me when I’m no longer in their lives or when I’m away.

Sometimes I think that when the floors creak, along with my head too I’m rotting.

Sometimes I feel responsible for the happiness of others.

Sometimes I get moody for absolutely no reason other that the mere reason that, I can.

Sometimes I paint people yellow, orange, pink, or purple, who are beige or even grey. (I do this especially often)

Sometimes I say things that don’t match up with what I think, because I act on impulse.

Sometimes I don’t know what I want and often times at that.

Most times I get exceptionally overwhelmed when I haven’t updated my playlists, or I’ve been listening to the same music for too long (approximately two weeks).

Most times I get bored of movies, people, places, classes, colors, clothes, crayons, writings, news, pens, and everything in between.

Most times I go home and go straight to my room instead of stopping in the living room, the kitchen, or any other room.

Most times I crack my neck the way the chiropractor tells me not to.

Most times I push people away simply because I can.

But all the time, I figure it out.

All the time I get myself through even if it feels like the whole entire world is against me.

Not for a minute do I believe that I can’t do it.

Not for a minute do I not work to be better than the expectations put on me, then the standards, then the history.

All the time I believe and stand with me and to all my sisters, I believe and stand with you too.

photo credit: pinterest,com

Thoughts from a Balcony

mypetlobster1Leave a comment

something has changed.

colors are duller

even flowers look sad.

my eyes feel like a melancholy ocean,

and my cheeks the sand; waiting for the waves to rush on to them.

tears have replaced laughing,

smiles feel hollow.

my face has a different complexion,

more pale, more hopeless, less me.

my body feel lethargic, corpulent, and ignominious,

i am rotting from the inside out.

i have lost a part of me; the will to push, the will to continue, the will to strive

and it shows.

things that barely phased me are now barricades.

it’s hard to exist when you feel like you have nothing to live for.

oh me, oh life, oh self… where have you gone?

photo credit: weheartit.com

Year III

mypetlobster1Leave a comment

This is my last year in high school where my grades need to be A’s, where my extra curricular activities matter. This is my last year where cramming in PSAT prep will benefit me, and the last year where SAT prep is a dreaded ritual.

After this year, the hours on hours of work, sleepless nights,  cramming for texts, student leadership applications, struggles I faced, fun memories I had, volunteer activities, extra curriculars, and sports achievements will all be put on to a single document… The last three years of my life will be put on a document; an application.

By the end of this year I’m supposed to have a general idea of my life plan, my career, and my identity.

By the end of the year I’m supposed to have perfect SAT scores, ACT scores, and 5’s on AP tests.

By the end of the year I’m supposed to be a person who will stand out amongst millions of other applicants.

This is my last year to become who colleges want me to be while still trying to stay true to the person I want to be.

In less than 365 days, I will need a paper explaining who I am, what I want to do, what I stand for, what sets me apart, and why I belong at the college receiving the paper. All of who I am, all of why I’m special, and all of why I belong in 650 words.

A transcript and 650 words which will determine my future, career and where I will be for the next four to eight years.

A lot to think about… a lot to do, a lot at stake. Welcome to junior year.

Photo Credit: artsy.net

Will I even remember this?

bubblebathshawtyLeave a comment

I’ve recently come back to a certain state of mind. 

It wasn’t a choice and nothing or no one triggered it. 

I disconnect from the world completely without even realizing. 

I leave my body, my brain as if watching over myself like a spirit. 

Unaware if this is a past life or really just my reality. 

Looking down to my hands lying limply on my lap unaware that they’re even mine. 

It hits me I exist. I am here and alive. 

I go through life numb, forgetting all that I’ve accomplished. 

Coming home just to forget every conversation I had that day. 

It seems as if theres an intruder taking charge of my every move.

To then steal my memories, leaving none for me. 

My eyes glazed over staring off into a false reality. 

Blinking, recalling none of this is a dream. 

I am breathing, living human being who feels nothing.  

Unaware if I’ll ever get to meet this person taking shelter in my own skin. 

I’m unwillingly dissociated, but aspire to feel anything.

How do you feel about Dissociation Art? from Dissociation
credit to reddit, Sarah Carrasco

panic

underwaterismyflyzoneLeave a comment

Of course it happened while I was walking up.

Every breath of O2 coming in through my nose leaving with more force than the one before.

I wondered what it was that boiled my blood.

I know everyone thinks mind over matter but what about when your mind is the problem?

What do you do then?

The silence down the line only made my heart beat louder

With every step I took my thoughts raced a little faster

How did I paint myself this?

For what is the world with no one to share it?

Breath

Heart

Girl

Boy

Breath

Heart

Girl

Boy

Breath

Heart

Breath

Flight

For what is the world?

The silence broke and mended me all in one 

Thank you

Headspace you’d like to call it

I see it differently

I know everyone thinks mind over matter but what about when your mind is the problem?

Extraordinary

This world is beautiful

I love this view

photo credit: pinterest.com

On the Allure of the Sun

icaruswithwarmwingsLeave a comment

staring at the brick – patiently waiting for the moment it enters my skull- a fucking cinder block going 300 mph
no questions, no time for questions
but somehow im waiting
and i can feel the absence of my head
even as nothing has changed

somehow you know the feeling after you have eaten the vole before you have eaten it
how is it going to affect your human digestive system, a raw vole, 
it remains a mystery,
but somehow you know exactly what that’s going to feel like,
in the abyss of your body
the part that’s not there, but has just as much feeling as the inside of your toes

raw inspiration in the form of a clawing headache– a vole climbing out of the wreckage of a human skull ravaged by a cinder block traveling at speeds uncharacteristic for construction materials

a story with no end: inspiration is,
a one night stand
climax but no shoulder to latch onto
full of unintentional emotion.

oohlala a blurry image

a step towards clarity

mypetlobster1Leave a comment

It still hurts, but it’s gotten to the point where I can look at the photos of us and smile instead of cry. I still love you and you still hurt me, but I’m slowly making steps towards letting it go.

The photo of us holding hands and the video of your precious laugh that made my eyes drown with tears just last week has changed now. Absentmindedly, today I found myself smiling at the good times we had.

Thank you for the good times, the giggles. Thank you for holding me and caring. Thank you for the caring gestures and kind words you said to me even if you didn’t mean them.

Everything you have done in the past month would lead any rational person to say that you never truly cared, but then again I am not your average rational person. I don’t think you ever meant it when you said you loved me, but I know that we had something special.

The fact that I tried to treat you with utmost kindness and care for you after how awful you were to me, proves that I’m not rational. Or maybe it proves that I was in love.

The fact that you have shut me out completely, made it impossible for any means of communication proves that you are not the person I thought you were, but it also proves that somewhere deep down you feel the pain of remorse for letting what we had go.

I know that part of the reason you broke up with me over text is because it would hurt you too badly to see the tears rolling down my cheeks that you once used to kiss and touch. I know that part of the reason you blocked me on every communication platform and got your friends to do it too is because you don’t want to face the fact that you hurt me.

The reasons behind your actions don’t make them okay. How you treated me in the end is not okay. Lying to me and blaming your personal issues on me because you knew that I cared for you enough to take your BS and believe that I was the bad guy is not okay. But this will never change the fact that for a point of time, you brightened my days, you filled me with a sense of love and joy I don’t think I’ve ever felt before, and for a point I believed, and I still believe, that you truly loved me.

I still wear the necklace you gave me and the matching ring we have still remains in my room.

You hurt me, but you also loved me and I’m finally making steps towards letting you go.

Photo Credit: tumblr.com

Goodbye Now

localdreamerwithapenLeave a comment

OVS, I will miss you.

I can’t wait to leave you behind and move on and climb a new mountain, make a new place my new home. But that doesn’t mean that I won’t miss you.

It’s crazy to think that a couple years ago you were nothing to me but three letters. Just another place in another country in another town that I had never even heard of. Now, your little green campus means the whole world to me.

You taught me to be happy on my own, you taught me to be sad and to think. You taught me English, you taught me how to write. You taught me how to love and to hate and how to cut people out of my life for my own good and how hard and nearly impossible that can be. You taught me to speak up and to find my voice, just like you taught me how to listen and be there for the people around me.

Photo Credit: i1.wp.com

You’ve also taken a lot from me. You’ve taken my last four years of living at home. You’ve nearly taken one of the best friendships I’ve ever had and you’ve taken a part of my home country from me. You’ve taken my feeling of absolutely belonging anywhere at all.

But, then again, maybe that is just a part of growing up, a process that you so conveniently sped up for me and now I can move along with that advantage. I thank you for that.

I am ready to keep going and keep moving just like you’ve been telling me to do. But I’ll miss you.

I’ll miss your oak trees and pink afternoon hills. I’ll miss your lunch lines and movie nights, your encouraging words and worthless meetings. I’ll miss the people you’ve brought into my life. I’ll miss the rooms that we’ve lived in and the road up the hill we all hate. I’ll miss your flaming hot skies and succulents and I’ll miss your stars, your beautiful stars. I’ll miss your tired breakfast conversations, your van rides and the songs we’ve belted on them. It’s really been a wild couple of years.

Goodbye now, I will miss you ❤

The Years

mycountrythoughtsLeave a comment

I wanted time to speed up.  Everything seemed like it was moving slower than a tortoise going for an afternoon stroll.  I wanted everything to end.  It seemed like those 4 years would drag on and would take up my whole life.  I always thought that those 4 years would be filled with tears of stress and sadness.  I really believed they were going to be the worst 4 years of my life.

But, now, I’m sitting in my last class of high school and all I’m asking for is five more minutes.  Everything flashed by in the blink of an eye.  I want to relive so many things.  Those 4 years went by too fast and seemed like they were one of the smallest parts of my life.  The years were filled with tears of stress and sadness, but they were also filled with happiness and love.  So far they have been the best 4 years of my life; I made so many friends, had so many new experiences, and really learned who I was.  I just want to live in it for five more minutes.

Photo Credit: Pinterest.com