Tag: alone

A Continuous Cycle

olivemartinisforeverLeave a comment

I hate that feeling of being alone, but for some reason I’ve grown to expect it. I don’t expect people to say yes if I asked to hang out or wanted to be my partner for a project. I don’t ever get mad at my friends for much, whether ignoring me, being rude, or anything, as I don’t want to lose them. I came to never hold grudges and forgive people easily, not only because what is the point of a grudge, but also out of fear that I’ll lose them. I’ve spent my years growing up scared that I wasn’t going to fit in in every new chapter. That people wouldn’t like me or accept me because I was bullied. I didn’t have many friends growing up and dealt with the same bully for 6 years. And once that girl left, a new one came; it always seems to happen this way. I can never escape this cycle. I don’t understand why people feel the need to bully. I understand we all have our own issues, but that is never an excuse to push it onto others. I feel like I’m always chasing that feeling of the end, waiting for that next chapter to escape the reality of the current moment.

PC: Author

Seen But Not Known

olivemartinisforeverLeave a comment

I feel like I notice so much about the people around me, but do they ever notice anything that way about me? I can always tell when someone gets a haircut or is feeling a little down or maybe bought a new shirt, but I never really feel like other people notice those things about me. Is it all in my head, and I just don’t notice it because it’s me, or do the people around me really just not care to ask or comment about it? I think that’s a reason why psychology was always such an interest of mine: why are people the way they are? Why have I always been the one who gets picked last in groups or the last one to get invited to things, if at all? I always felt like the short end of the stick, but is that just me being selfish? Do other people also feel the same way? Do they feel like I do that to them? I’ve always wondered these things since I started getting bullied in 1st grade, and it really stuck with me. I try to be nice to everyone, a universal friend. I do this because I understand that feeling of being alone and having no one to go to. Being the floater friend who isn’t anyone’s best friend or first choice, but I’m always there. Even after I took psychology, I realized you never truly know what’s going on in someone’s head because we are all our own person. Instead of trying to please everyone or being sad that maybe you weren’t the first pick, that’s ok; it’s normal. There is always going to be other options in life, and most of the time you aren’t going to be picked. So maybe I need to look at this differently. Rather than seeing it as me always being chosen last, maybe instead I’ll be better prepared for the future. I understand that feeling of not getting chosen, so I won’t have those high expectations when it comes to things like that later in life. I have built these experiences to help shape me for the world that is filled with challenges and barriers that need to be broken down, and instead of being scared or halted at the first hurdle, I’ll continue on just like I always have.

An Ode to Friendship. Why friends form a core part of our… | by Sally Clarke | Medium
PC: Google

Changing Perspectives

olivemartinisforeverLeave a comment

It’s crazy to me how fast your perspective on life can change. Over the last four months, I feel like I have learned so much about myself and the world around me. I was always the type of person who felt like they needed someone, whether romantically or platonically. I would always complain about not having a boyfriend or feeling alone, but I came to realize that being alone is ok, infact it is normal. How can you be with someone else, whether a friendship or relationship, if you don’t fully understand yourself and are confident being alone? Over the past few months, I’ve grown to spend that time alone and enjoy it. Especially when driving alone, having that moment singing your favorite song on your playlist while zoning out on the road is such a freeing feeling. You lose your sense of worries and pressures; no one to put energy into but yourself. I learned to realize that while I love being with my friends, it’s ok to have those moments alone. I haven’t found myself feeling that loneliness much anymore or saying how I need a boyfriend because I don’t. I think that I used to say all those things because I felt so behind everyone. But truly, I wasn’t; everything happens at the right time for their person, and there’s no rushing that or even a need to. Being “behind” in your firsts as a teenager can feel so degrading, but really it doesn’t matter. No one should look at you or treat you differently because it doesn’t matter; it isn’t something that should define you. So yes, even though I don’t feel that “behind” feeling anymore, I learned to realize I never was, and all of that stuff shouldn’t define you. All of us humans are worth so much more because of who we are, not what we have done. 

Silhouette Man Sitting Alone On Beach Stock Footage Video (100% Royalty-free) 1022546908 | Shutterstock
PC: Google

Loneliness

ojaipizzaLeave a comment

Doesn’t matter if I’m in a relationship or not, sometimes when I went back to my room and lay down on my bed; I just felt so lonely. Have you ever felt that way? Did you ever feel that you have no one to rely on but yourself? Yourself is the only person who knows what you have been through, and knows what’s your feelings and emotions were in the worst situation. Every time I talk about my feelings with someone, they always say they understand what it feels like. However, that is not true, no one has been through something terrible like you do. They’re not you, they don’t know what your pains feel like. Everyone is busy with their own problem, which doesn’t have time to help you. At this point, you realize you are the only person left holding yourself up and keep walking every single day. I always told myself that it was just progress of becoming a stronger me, but it’s really lonely. Even I found the joy of being on myself, loneliness is still bothering me sometimes.

Photo Credit: loneliness

my real fears

brachiosaurus15Leave a comment

scary movies don’t scare me

for me it’s the psychological mine field that our minds lay out for us

the empty houses that feel a little too empty

emptiness that slowly sets in as you try to navigate your new found awareness for sound, or lack of

the wood creaking wrong under your bare feet

or the toilet flushing, water swirling and filling the bathroom with normal sounds, then suddenly the water sitting still, soundless

back to navigating the defining silence

rushing

but not trying to scare yourself more

to turn on as many lights as possible

but you still feel the darkness lurking behind the walls

in the walls

under the floors

or in your head

sometimes you get a tingling in you spine as you pass by the unlit room

urging you to turn and peer into the darkness,

but you know if you do you have hit the mine

and it will explode

but its not only empty houses that trigger the fear

walking home

walking alone

walking as a woman, alone

gripping your purse as adrenaline grips your body

being followed, but not really

feeling followed, but realizing they were just going on their way to wherever they had to be

felling helpless

in ways you know you shouldn’t

a friend making you uncomfortable

do they know what their doing

or is it in my head

do I say something or is this normal

these things scare me

the mine field makes me aware

but awareness makes me scared

makes me terrified

Image found in Pinterest

empty

vinlandsageLeave a comment

love is like a shower

when you’re in it

it is warm and nice

it feels better than anything in the world

but once you get out of the shower

its cold

its distasteful

you want more of that shower

some people dont shower

and maybe their on to something

if you dont go in the shower

you dont have the feel the pain of leaving it

love is the same way

if you dont fall in love with her

you dont have to be sad when it goes away

sometimes not showering seems like the right idea

maybe you feel dirty

but you dont have to get your expectation up

and then fall down

with love,

maybe you’re sad and lonely

but if the relationship ends

the pain is way worse

so sometimes

i dont like showering

Medium shot of an old television on a bed at night - Stock Video Footage - Dissolve

art credit: dissolve.com

Heartbroken

maydaygaskarthLeave a comment

A couple days ago, my friend said to someone that it triggered her seeing couples affectionate in public, because it reminded her of how her ex wasn’t around anymore.

I added onto the conversation by saying that’s how I felt the past three years, not the missing an ex, but about being affected by seeing couples in public.

She responded by saying it wasn’t the same and I understood it wasn’t the same; that I haven’t experienced letting go of someone you’ve loved for so long.

But, being alone the whole time sucks just as much and I wish she understood that, because she pushed my feeling aside as if it didn’t matter how I have been feeling for most of my high school years.

The last three years, I watched my best friends fall in love and have boyfriends who loved them just as much and I was all alone. My subconscious constantly reminded me that they would always choose their boyfriends first, that they would always love them more. I don’t really blame them, though. If I had someone like that and a relationship like that in my life, I’d probably feel the same way, act the same way, and be the same way. It still hurts being the fifth wheel, instead of simply being a friend. It still hurts knowing no one would feel that way about me. I knew they were happy, though, and I supported their happiness. But, all I wanted was that they knew the slightest bit how it felt for me.

I’m always the one to say I don’t care about relationships. I say that I’m not clingy enough to be a girlfriend or that I’m too focused on friendships, academics, and equestrian to even think about being in one. In reality, that was a big, fat lie. I guess it’s not the relationship itself I craved, but wishing to be someone’s treasure or world, to have someone love me as much as I love them, even for a short period of time. I hope they’re thankful for it forever, even if it wasn’t permanent, because it’s something I’ve never experienced yet.

And something I’m scared I never will.

Photo Credit: home.bt.com

Sonder

maydaygaskarthLeave a comment

7.6 billion people

195 countries

7.6 billion stories told from different perspectives

from different eyes

in different worlds

in different lives

Photo Credit: Twitter

one mother is crying as she carries her newborn baby in her arms

another is crying while her own mother takes her last breath on her death bed

one daughter is being walked down the aisle by her father on her wedding day

another is taking her first steps

7.6 billion people on this Earth

and every single one is experiencing life

experiencing it in a completely different way than another

one is preparing for the winter olympics

another is writing songs in the comfort of their bedroom

illuminated by the fairy lights scattered across the ceilings of their bedroom

7.6 billion people

scattered down the trafficked streets of New York City

one rushing to make the subway on time

Photo Credit: Amazon UK

another rushing to their job interview

another struggling for spare change

just to live to the next day

as people pass by

many don’t bat an eye

but occasionally

just occasionally

there’s someone who notices

someone who cares

who leaves a dollar or two

and moves on with their lives

forgetting the action a few days later

but the memory sticks to the other

some live a life of endless hardships

while others live in the comfort of their warm beds,

texting their best friends goodnight

their only worry

is the color of their prom dress

7.6 billion people

one has the whole world balancing on their shoulders

another is struggling to get a grasp with their finger tips

7.6 billion people

taking a role in several different movies

movies of life

some act as main characters in one movie

and dreaded antagonists in the other

some are mere, blurry passersby

while others are extras never truly appreciated

but make their presence known

7.6 billion people

and I am one

Photo Credit: Reformedish

standing alone in a world surrounded by people

people who are exactly like me

yet completely different at the exact same time

7.6 billion people

my whole story known to some

and others none

LAPD Drugs: Part 2

callmemaybe32Leave a comment

I’ve woken up up cold an alone.

My head is thumping and my heart is pounding.

I can tell that where I am is hot, but I feel so cold.

I taste blood. My eyes have blindfold over them, but I can tell I can’t open my eyes.

I try to reach out, but my hands are tied behind me. I try to walk, but my feet aren’t on the ground. I am alone in this room, hanging from the ceiling. My clothes have been taken off, I have blood dripping down my face and onto my chest. I hear it drop onto the cement floor.

Drip drop, drip drop, drip drop.

It’s hard to keep my eyes open.

I keep fading in and out of consciousness. Swaying back and forth from this chain. I can’t move. I can’t scream. I have a sock shoved in my mouth to keep my quiet. I knew I shouldn’t have followed that stupid piece of s**t dealer, but I’m too f*****g stupid to leave something alone.

Now I’m in this room. Humiliated, naked, beaten, bloody, bruised, and cold. I have no idea if I’ll ever leave this place.

Tears mix with my blood and they run into my mouth, just being sopped up by this sock.

I can’t keep my eyes open, fading, fading, fadi……

Without You

callmemaybe32Leave a comment

Let it all fall down.

Let your hair fall down with the rain.

The water drops down your face, and make up or none your beauty remains the same.

Dancing in the grass while the heavens open upon us.

Like the scene from a movie.

Embracing each other while the thunder booms in the background, and distant lightning draws closer.

The sky flashes with purple and white light, but in that moment there was no other care in the world.

The ground could be falling around us, but all that matters is we were the last ones standing.

You and I together while the world crumbles away.

The rain douses the fire that rumbles below our feet,

Stuck, but not alone.

Never alone when I am with you.

The alarm goes off

Blindly reaching for the snooze button, just longing for another 10 minutes.

Another night spent with you.

Without you.

When the time comes that the world does actually fall away,

It will be you and I on that last piece of earth left.

Holding each other as it all crumbles.