death

There is something so dauntingly beautiful about the word death. It is a term that means the end, but I do not think that is entirely true. I do not believe in god or heaven and hell, but I believe that the soul lives on. They protect and look over their loved ones. The souls of our lost ones can be seen in the cotton candy sunsets or in little insects that fly onto our shirts.

Death is sad, very sad, but it can also be something to appreciate. I can find peace that my grandfather’s body is laid to rest, no longer having to fight the arduous battle of poisonous cancer, but instead, his soul is with us whenever we gather as a family to eat. I can find peace that my Grandma Bobby is once again with her husband that passed many years before her. I know that my cousin is fishing with his dog and is enjoying a cold one. I know that my best friend, Little, is enjoying her cat naps in the sun rays that peak through the window panes.

Death still makes me weep and cry, but it also gives me a certain comfort. A comfort that when I or another loved one dies, I know that there will be peace. Whether it is surrounded by family enjoying delicious homecooked meals or by myself relaxing in a tube in Spring Creek, I know that death will be kind.

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pc: me

I got my braces off

I recently got my braces removed and it’s a very cool feeling.

Having my braces off is awesome! I can eat things I haven’t been able to eat in a very long time; such as caramel corn, chewing bubble gum, and dry scooping my pre-workout without having it get stuck in my braces.

Having my braces does however come at a price. I need to wear a retainer for 24 hours a day for the next week, which suuuuuuucks.

But wearing a retain vs wearing braces; I’d rather wear the retainer.

One thing I am really excited about having no braces is smiling more. For a while, I would be hesitant to smile in photos, school pictures, actually in general. Now that I have my braces off I am pumped for my senior portraits and upcoming photo ops.

Having my braces off is best! Too bad I get classes next week.

Getting Your Braces Off? Here's What to Expect! - College Drive Dental  Associates

Photo from collegedrivedental.com

A Dead End

The life cycle is quite an interesting phenomenon. One day, you’re just born, random gender, random name, you’re stuck in a random place, born into a random family. You may not like your name, you may not like your gender, you spend your whole life being told you have the power to change whatever you want but then everyone tries to stop you. You get a job, you build a life, buy a home and that makes you happy, but does it really make you happy? Or are you just told that it’s supposed to make you happy?

You then have kids, and you introduce them to the same cruel cycle you were introduced to. And who even knows if you’re fit to be a parent, nobody taught you how to parent, and now you have to completely cultivate another human being. They have just as complex of a mind as you do, they question life too and they’ll likely go through the same cycle you did. Doing what you’re told is supposed to make you happy, with no direction, no real end goal.

And then, just like that one fateful day comes and that whole cycle ends for you. There are hundreds, maybe thousands of theories on what happens when we die, we’ll never know. Personally, I believe that there’s nothing, just like a sleep without dreams, a sleep you won’t wake up from. All that build-up, all that work to make a spot in society, to make yourself happy, just for it to end as fast as a computer shuts down. And that’s it. Makes it seem pointless, but for some reason, we push on, maybe we’re just trying to find a reason to live, maybe we’re just scared of dying.

Art by Haenuli

Confusion of the heart

There are moments when I find myself caught in the cross fire between my heart and my head. I often cant decided weather or not I should listen to the voices in my head telling me what to do, or my heart guiding me in in the direction of possible heart break. I want to follow the direction of my heart, but my head always stops me and poses the question of “what if”

So now when my mind is blank, the thought of the matter at hand will cross my previously calm mind. And suddenly, there’s a sense of panic that overtakes me and I feel uneasy. As if I am stuck with a decision that for one reason or another, my mind can not physically comprehend because my heart will still get in the way.

One way or another, my heart and mind play tricks on each other, but both only have the best of intensions for my own happiness. So there lies the conflict, when is it that I listen to my head, and when do I listen to my heart?

Is it worth the minor lapses of fear and judgment for potential happiness? Or is it that I should disregard both and simply try and play it safe.

Even that question is too grand to answer for myself. So I still remain to question decisions, or simply protect myself from a risk just to avoid the confusion of my heart. I consistently bombard myself with the age old question of “what if?”

But maybe someday, I will listen to the deep feelings being stirred in my heart and follow that, for it could lead me to my greatest potential happiness. Maybe I will rebut the question of “what if?” with “why not?”.

photo credit: https://allpoetry.com/

The Ups and Downs with Life

As time went on, my emotions started to grow into something not so pretty. My thoughts and feelings followed me everywhere, even when I wanted nothing to do with them. I was trapped and claustrophobic. I would come home from school and sit in silence, and do nothing. My motivation was gone, my happiness was fake, and my mental health was non existent. Sometimes it would hurt to cry because the mental pain I was in.

Photo credit: Joey Guidone

I was getting better. I wanted, no I needed to get better. I talked with someone, a couple someones, and I worked on my mental health. I started feeling bursts of happiness and motivation. These feelings that I have not felt in a long time. I thought I was getting better, I thought life was treating me well. Until it was not.

This time I understood what I was feeling, and I wanted it to stop. I did everything I could to get better, and I knew it was going to be a long process with setbacks. I was kind to myself, as well as patient. It took a while, and I still have ups and downs, but I am getting better. It is a day-by- day process.

I am finally able to say that I’m truly happy with life.

Somewhere over the Rainbow

Have you ever thought about death?

I have.

Does it happen fast and painless?

Am I laying in a hospital bed surrounded by my family, basking in all of my successes. Nothing but happiness and satisfaction when I look back. I close my eyes with the itention of sleeping. Slipping deeper into sleep. I lose my grip on life. My lungs exhale with my last breath and Im gone.

Is that a sad way to go?

Or am I climbing Mount Everest? Each breath a fight for survival. Each step a step closer to absolute accomplishment. Maybe I started in a group of 15 and now there are two. My other partner ready to make the summit with me. We leave camp four which sits exactly at 26,000 feet. It is a day of oxygen tanks and sheer pain. The wind is generous but the air still spun with little frozen flakes. Were so close. With only a half an hour longer, my partner says he can’t make it. I push on. I make it. The snow had stopped completely. My lungs shrunk and my body crippled with the cold. Sitting down I rest. Absolute peace. The clouds hung below the mountain cutting me off from the ordinary world. Hours pass by after the excruciating journey, I let the cold take my body. The weather changes and the winds pick up. Without enough strength or carry on I sit there letting the elements take me. In my last minutes, all I can think about is the excruciatingly cold pain that rips at my skin. I close my eyes and my body is forever frozen in time.

That would be cool.

But what happens after death?

Do I instantly begin a new life? Do I get re-circulated back into the possibly ever looping birth cycle? Did I die just to die again and again and again?

Or does my energy and soul dissipate into the world erasing me completely?

These questions are unanswerable so I choose not to fear death but accept that it will happen. All I can do is live before I die.

Credit: Getty Images

A New Reality

When someone is vibrating at a lower vibration of fear and disconnection from Source/Self and is attempting to project this reality in to yours it is extremely important that you project a reality of understanding, compassion and empowered inner strength right back to them.

For example, if someone treats you poorly in order to get what they want and you react the way they want/expect you to out of fear, they won’t love you or feel supported by you anymore, they will never learn to respect you.

Stand up for yourself.

“It’s really not okay for you to treat me this way when I have done nothing to deserve the anger you’re throwing at me. I’m taking responsibility for my own reality and removing myself from this situation in honor of Self preservation.”

The light of awareness that you shine in that moment of truth is a light that gives them the opportunity to reflect on the reality they’ve created and rise to meet you on a lighter level of being. We all have a right to live a noble and virtuous life as kings and queens of our reality. We have the ability to create a life of preferences that are tailored to fit our emotional mental physical and spiritual needs. enough of trying to fit in or please people who do not understand or honor you where you’re at. love yourself and build a life that reflects that and you will surely attract a tribe of beings who can stand beside you to receive the blessings that life offers and create a new reality from the overflow. 

go be a night owl

It is so good to stay up late. 

If you stay up late only once in a while, that is NOT ENOUGH and please change it as soon as possible! If you like to stay up late constantly, that is GREAT and please keep doing that as long as possible!

There are plenty of reasons to go to bed late, for most people it’s something really “important” and “urgent” they have to do. Either of these two reasons is definitely WORTH burning the midnight oil for. 

This is a slippery slope, people who pull an all-nighter will get up late the next morning, then they can continue to go to bed late again. 

Studies show, people who habitually stay up late gain weight really easily. In the late-night, your appetite will be better and the rate of metabolism will be affected as well. Then you can have more weight than others who eat the same amount of food and go to sleep regularly.

And you can also gain confidence through staying up the whole night. Your vision will become poorer and poorer, too poor to see your face with the poor skin condition in the mirror clearly. Of course, you will feel much better when you can’t see your pimples, dark circles, wrinkles, receding hairlines…

The most important thing is that both your focus and memory worsens, and productivity decreases. So you will forget unhappy things more easily, and you can enter the realm of true happiness.

So, for pursuing TURE happiness, please be a night owl and continue to stay up late.

photo credit: dailytitan.com

why i love the sun(sets) in california

when I go to the beach or sit in my backyard, i like to have moments to myself where i am able to reflect on my decisions (past and future ones) while i look at the sun setting. 

the sun has always drawn me (even though i hate the heat). i’m not sure why either. maybe it’s because i was born in arizona and raised in california but that has always been a question in the back of my head.

there is a point in the day where the sun becomes vulnerable. as the heat begins to die down and the night chill takes over, the sun is at its weakest and i am infatuated with that moment. when this key element for human survival is powerless, i am able to become emotionally naked. Together, the sun and I are parallels as we expose ourselves.

while i sit on the sand or on the grass and look up at the painted sky, i ask myself these simply put but complex questions: am i happy? and if so, why or why not?

Lately, i have been happy for a plethora of reasons. And today, the sun has made me think of the people who raised me. the sun has made me reflect on my mother who has taught me graciousness and the fundamentals of being a strong woman as well as my father, who installed creativity and imagination into my thought process at a young age.

so tonight, as i look into the golden sky, i thank the sun for keeping me humble and letting me pour my heart out when it and me are completely bare.

photo credit: treehugger.com

My Favorite Feelings

I’m in a really good mood right now, but there are honestly so many things that makes life feel so much better. So, here’s a few things that never fail to make me happy.

  1. The tiredness after being at the beach in the sun all day
  2. Driving down PCH with the windows down during sunset
  3. The lights turning off at a concert and knowing the show’s about to begin
  4. When the singer stops singing and everyone in the crowd continues belting the lyrics on the top of their lungs
  5. Listening to ocean waves before falling asleep
  6. Having the air conditioning on while sleeping, but being wrapped up in warm blankets
  7. My horse coming up to me
  8. Hugging my favorite celebrities
  9. Having dance parties alone in my room
  10. Waking up and having a good hair day
  11. Wearing a cute outfit and feeling confident in it
  12. Good conversations with friends at dinner
  13. Waking up early and having energy to take on the day
  14. Sitting outside when it’s hot, but a perfect breeze keeps you cool
  15. Hot chocolate after snowboarding all day
  16. Being spontaneous
  17. Being carefree
  18. Blasting 2000’s throwbacks and singing along to them while driving
  19. Reuniting with friends I haven’t seen in a while
  20. Dancing
  21. Singing with my friends without caring about what my voice sounds like
  22. Having motivation to clean my room
  23. Being told my writing is good
  24. Swimming in the ocean for hours
  25. Running
  26. Hanging out at the fair in the summer
  27. Finding out I did better on a test than I thought I would
  28. Jumping into a freezing pool on a hot day
  29. Listening to a song for the first time in years and still knowing all the lyrics
  30. Mastering a verse in a rap song
  31. Wearing oversized sweatshirts
  32. Going to the movies while it’s raining outside
  33. Getting invested in a new book and forgetting about everything else around me while reading it
  34. Being around a camp fire
  35. Opening gifts
  36. Giving a good gift
  37. Having a breakthrough while horseback riding
  38. Writing freely without writer’s block getting in the way
  39. Talking with my friends on the phone for hours, and though I rarely see them in person anymore, still having our friendship be stronger than ever
  40. Loving life for the way it is and currently not wanting to change anything about it

Photo Credit: Pixabay.com