So far, these past couple of weeks, I’ve been publishing very surface-level (and frankly, boring) writing. One day, I wrote a poem with the intent of posting it, but quickly decided against the idea. There is something so raw, and so vulnerable about poetry, that to share a piece can be both a creative outlet and an absolutely terrifying experience. But no one really reads these anyways, so I might as well.
TW: Eating disorder/self-harm. A couple years ago, my best friend was suffering from a severe eating disorder and almost died. This was the inspiration for a poem:
the bathroom mirror speaks
It tells her she is a slut, to “cover-up.”
or she is a prude, to “show more skin.”
It tells her, with makeup, she’s “trying too hard,”
or without, she should “make an effort.”
It tells her she is too big, too curvy, too small, too flat
– she is too much, not enough
It tells her lies and truth
and truth and lies
until she cannot tell one from the other.
instead of math homework, she’s adding up calories,
instead of breakfast, she’s chewing on the cuticles of her thumbnails,
instead of sleeping, her bedroom is a 24-hour gym,
instead of showering, she’s drying her tears,
instead of living, she just is.
the sight of her reflection in the mirror is enough to make her shatter
and when the voices overwhelm her own,
she drapes a cloth over the frame, gagging their words.
but It claws and crawls its way out from the glass
slithers into her ears and slides down her throat,
I am experiencing major writer’s block. This entire week I open my computer once or twice a day and try to think of something to write about. My mind feels completely and utterly blank. Then I realized that my mind has been blank for the entire week. I know this just makes me seem stupid. Hell, it makes me feel stupid. Sometimes I have the mindset that I can’t write something unless it’s “interesting” but then I go on to wonder what interesting really implies. Is it interesting to just be depressed, angry, or fill your life with gossip? It often starts to seem that way. I won’t pretend to be an angel as if I don’t get involved, I just hate when that starts to be the things I find interesting. The more I let myself get roped into all this shit the more I get sad. It’s all a cycle, you get sad because you get roped in and you get roped in because you have nothing else to think about. Then I realized what even is writer’s block? The idea of free writing is the ability to write whatever is on your mind. So I guess that’s what I’m doing. What I’m trying to say is that, more often than not, the things that happen in my life would not be viewed as interesting. But maybe that makes it easier to write about.
Today, the first drops of rain after months of blistering heat graced Ojai for just one minute. It was the best minute of that day. I love rain. I could just watch and listen to it forever. I love when the sky clouds up and makes everything prettier. Today, the beautiful grey sky brought out the green in the mountains surrounding OVS. It all just looked so fresh and not regular old California. Everything looks better in the rain.
I love the feeling of raindrops on my head, I love watching them out the window, I love the sound of wind and thunder, and I even love the smell of wet asphalt. At night, everything is just incredible- city lights upside-down on shiny streets, and the comforting sound of heavy downpours making you sleepy. Henry Wadsworth was totally wrong about rainy days being “dark and dreary” if he loved sunny days so much he should’ve lived in California. Anyway the rain today, despite being accompanied by 95-degree temperatures and its briefness, is welcomed by me.
I’ve started a new school, which, of course, is a challenging transition. It’s easy in times like these to get caught up in anxiety and needless worry, so I find it helpful to redirect my focus to the positive aspects of my life right now. Whether life-changing or minuscule, there is no shortage of things that I LOVE.
Old books: The way the weathered pages feel between my fingers, the smell, the inky typeface.
Pina colada smoothies: I seriously think I would live on these if I could – especially in 100-degree weather.
Sleeping: There’s something so comforting about getting in bed with the AC on so I can snuggle up between the duvet cover and clean sheets.
Shooting stars: I saw one the other day and it was magical.
The sea: The floating, bobbing over waves and swimming with all the fish beneath me.
Gilmore Girls: I will always aspire to be a Rory Gilmore.
Sushi: What I would do for a spicy tuna, avocado roll, or a Lemon Flush special from Hakane…
We’re supposed to start writing our essays for college applications, but I’m a little stuck. The issue is, I have an essay that I really like, that is probably the best thing I’ve ever written, but there’s a limit to how many words our essay is. The limit is 650 words. Want to guess how many my essay is? 1371 words. One thousand three hundred and seventy-one. That is over double the maximum amount of words allowed for an essay. This means I either have to start from scratch or somehow trim down the essay until it’s only 650 words, both of which would be very difficult. And of course, these essays are going to be really important to my applications because, for the UCs at least, colleges won’t look at my SAT score which was actually pretty good and which I will probably improve upon. They only look at GPA, extracurriculars, and essays, so my essays have to be good. Anyway wish me luck, I’m gonna need it.
My bag is simple black and white Nike duffel bag. There is nothing crazy special about it, my duffy is just bag that I’m constantly in. It has one big compartment with a mini interior pocket and a mesh pocket on the outside.
pc: travelmacedonia.net
Accessories
Mentos gum:
I chew gum while lifting. Chewing gum is an essential for my lifts, I prefer Mentos brand gum because the favor is immaculate and lasts for along time. Chewing gum helps me focus and stay locked in.
pc: amazon.com
Chapstick:
A chapstick-stick is an important item in my gym bag. I hate having chapped lips and especially in the gym so I’ll always apply a layer of chapstick prior to my lift.
pc: chapstick.com
Supplements:
Pre-workout:
I use Legion Pulse pre-workout and love it. This pre-workout has few ingredients and has a relatively balanced caffeine level. Legion Pulse is a pre-workout that does drag me through my workout, rather it gives me a little extra push through my lift.
pc: stack3d.com
Creatine:
I take Legion Recharge as my creatine supplement. Not too much to say about it, I take a scoop of it on a daily basis.
pc: amazon.com
Equipment:
Lifting Belt:
I use an all-black Gym Reapers belt. No complaints, it gets the job done. I wear it mostly during squats but will throw it on during deadlifts or if I do heavy barbell rows.
vc: me
Wrist wraps:
I rock the Ethos 18″ wrist wraps. I only use them on certain lifts like dumbbell bench press, dumbbell incline press, and dumbbell shoulder press. They provide stability and support in both my hands and wrists/arms.
pc: dickssportinggoods.com
Wrist Straps:
A recent addition to my gym bag that I absolutely love is my Gym Reapers wrist straps. I use these almost every day in the gym whether it’s for the upper body or legs I’ll use these straps daily.
Knee wraps:
The newest addition to my gym bag is my Gym Reapers knee wraps. I’ve only used these a couple times, I only use these when I squat heavy or if I load up plates on the leg press machine. These knee wraps provide security and safety to my knees and surrounding ligaments when doing a heavy exercise.
pc: gymreapers.com
Additional stuff:
Some other not-so-important items in my bag are resistance bands, cash, a water bottle, and a shaker bottle. These are all items I use but not as frequently as the items listed above.
The Washington Wizards are sending point guard Spencer Dinwiddie and forward Davis Bertans to the Dallas Mavericks in exchange for a future second-round draft pick and forward Kristaps Porzingis. The Wizards are adding another big in Porzingis, which I don’t get they have Kuzma, Gafford, Hachimura, Bryant, and now Porzingis. I guess they might try and mirror the Cavs who had a boatload of bigs/forwards. Dallas adds a veteran guard who will probably come off the bench and add a stretch-big both will play big roles for Dallas in the latter half of the season.
Washington gets a C for this deal while Dallas gets a B-
pc: clutchpoints.com
Harden heads to Philly:
The Brooklyn Nets are sending James Harden and Paul Millsap to Philly, the 76ers are sending Seth Curry, Andre Drummond, two first-round picks, and Ben Simmons. This is a win-win trade for both teams. the 76ers add a second superstar next to their all-star center Joel Embiid; while New York adds rim protection with Drummond, 3-point shooting with Seth, future assets, and a young all-star point guard/power forward in Ben Simmons. Both teams are in win-now mode and this trade keeps them both in this focus.
Philly gets an A and Brooklyn gets an A as well, in my opinion.
I’m going to a Glass Animals concert soon because they’re my favorite band, so here are my favorite Glass Animals songs. They’re a great band, and if you don’t know them you should definitely listen to them.
Content warning: talk of drugs, self-destructive behavior, mental illness, suicide, sex, pedophilia, and other mature themes
Also a disclaimer- my favorite album by them is How To Be A Human Being so most of these will be from that album. This album explores the stories of 11 characters (some based on real people) in the 11 songs on the track. The album cover shows every person who’s story is told. The album is seriously amazing, both sound-wise and because of the story behind it.
Number 5- Agnesfrom How To Be A Human Being
Agnes is such a beautiful and bittersweet song that I can’t help but put it in my top five. The song is about a woman named Agnes who is struggling to cope with addiction and mental health issues. It is told from the perspective of someone who is presumably very close with her. It’s a meaningful song for people who have watched a friend – or even themselves – be lost to their self-destructive tendencies. The song ends with the narrator implying that Agnes has committed suicide, which is fitting because it’s the last song on the album.
Lines from the song that hit especially hard are, “I want to hold you like you’re mine,” and, “You’re gone but you’re on my mind; I’m lost but I don’t know why.” The first line implies that the narrator might be in love with Agnes but never got the chance to act on his feelings because she killed herself. The second line makes the concept of suicide feel more real for people who have never had someone close to them commit suicide or attempt to. It also gives perspective for suicidal people that people care about them and they have so much to live for.
The narrator of Agnes is pictured in the center of the album cover on all three covers. He is either holding a camera up over his face, looking straight ahead, or holding his hands over his face. He faces forward in each album cover whereas every other character has their back turned on one version of the cover.
Number 4- Poplar Stfrom How To Be A Human Being
Poplar St is told from the perspective of a boy who lived on the street the song is named after. He starts off talking about his childhood living on Poplar St and how he would climb trees and scrape his knees. He mentions that he saw a woman named Mrs. Moore having sex with one of his other neighbors. Since she uses the prefix “Mrs.” it’s likely that Mrs. Moore was having an affair.
In the next verse, the narrator says that his mom never liked Mrs. Moore and thought she looked like a prostitute because of the clothes and makeup she wore. It’s assumed that the narrator has aged and hit puberty because he then says that Mrs. Moore seduced him and brought him to her house to have sex with him. This reveals the true nature of Mrs. Moore that was hinted at in the first verse. She’s a predatory woman who uses men – or even teenage boys – for sex.
The first line of the chorus makes sense now- “I feel like a new man.” The narrator is only a teenager, but he feels like a mature because he has a relationship with an adult woman. He is driven by hormones and doesn’t realize that what he is doing is completely wrong.
In the last verse, he says, “Just another boy who lived on Poplar St; tangled up in lust and her exotic needs.” He isn’t the only teenager who was a victim of Mrs. Moore’s pedophillic actions. He then says that Mrs. Moore called collect (which is charging the calling fee to the person who you call, so he had to pay the fee) and broke up with him over the phone.
Mrs. Moore is on the right side of every album cover. She wears a white dress and sometimes sunglasses.
Number 3- Heat Waves from Dreamland
Heat Waves has been Glass Animals’ top hit since it came out, and for good reason. It’s a great song that has addictive sounds and meaningful lyrics. It’s stated by the band on the storyline feature of Spotify that the song is about noticing that you’ve changed from who you used to be and that an important relationship in your life has been ruined by who you’ve become. This hits home for me because I’ve definitely had points where I realize that I’m a different person and that I can’t go back to what used to be. I’ve also seen it happen to my close friends where they drift away because they’ve become someone who isn’t compatible with me.
The line “Sometimes all I think about is you” makes me think about myself before my ADHD started to really impact my life. Everything got harder around the time I hit puberty because of the new mix of hormones interacting with my ADHD. Sometimes I think about where I would be if I didn’t have ADHD, but then I realize that I am who I am because of my ADHD. My favorite things come from my hyperfixations, my personality from my symptoms, and my mannerisms from mimicking the people around me. It’s a lot to deal with sometimes, and I feel like this song encapsulates my own struggle even if it’s not specifically about my situation.
Number 2- The Other Side Of Paradise from How To Be A Human Being
This song is my favorite solely because of the music behind the lyrics. It’s mentally stimulating to listen to, especially with the volume all the way up and the bass boosted. It’s catchy, fun, and kinda gives me an adrenaline rush if I’m being honest. The story behind it is cool too, but honestly the instrumental is my favorite part of it.
The Other Side Of Paradise was their top hit before Heat Waves came out. It was definitely my favorite song by them at one point. I love to listen to it when I’m writing fighting scenes because I think of choreography while listening to the song and then translate it into words.
The story of the song is about a man who leaves his girlfriend to become a professional basketball player and ends up becoming a totally different person than the person she had been dating. The girlfriend is the narrator. The character of the basketball player is pictured in the center behind everyone else. He is either spinning a basketball on his finger or holding the basketball in every cover.
Number 1- Season 2 Episode 3from How To Be A Human Being
This was actually the song that got me into the band. I heard it on TikTok and immediately searched the lyrics to figure out what song it was. I listened to it alone for a few months, then decided to check out the other songs in the album. The rest is history.
This is another song that I love because of the music. Glass Animals has great percussion in all of their songs, but this one definitely is the best. The vocals are super good too, though.
The story is about a girl who’s has a marijuana addiction. It’s told by someone who is presumably her partner. They talk about how she can’t seem to get off the couch, is always high, and isn’t prioritizing their relationship anymore. They say, “So it hurts to say it’s hopeless; and we ain’t gonna make it.” Her partner is planning on leaving her because of her dependency on marijuana to get through the day and inability to live without it. It’s a message about the ways drugs can change people for the worse, like a few other songs on the album.
The girl being described in the song is in the bottom left corner of the album cover. She wears a blue sweater and has a small gaming device in every cover, which is a reference to the style of the music video.
Those are my favorite Glass Animals songs. It was hard to choose rankings for them. I’m really excited to see them live.
Update from after I saw the concert: it was SO GOOD. They’re amazing in person and so passionate about what they do. I love Dave so much.
So I just bough myself a car, I only had to pay half but it ended up to coming out to $2250. Which is almost all of my savings. I currently have a balance of $2500(pre-payment). It’s a pretty sick car but insurance for me is gonna be about 620 and I do not have that. Like I have to pay insurance as soon as I get my license which will hopefully be tomorrow. So basically I am in an incredible amount of debt to my parents. Basically the majority of my paychecks, which are low because the restaurant has been closed a lot so I havent been able to get good hours. I mean the head chef walked out of the kitchen and just left, and quit i guess, without telling anyone. We legit had to close that night, it was frickin awful. and The other day the fridge went out in the middle of the night due to a power outage, so all of the food was spoiled. It was bad. Anyway hopefully we wont have anymore bad luck but I guess we’ll see. Until then I’m broke.
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