Category: humor

Pre-Chip Journal

navraj22Leave a comment

This Monday. 10 Am. Ojai Valley School. The last conference room on the right. It’s going down.

I will be orchestrating the show of the century via my video podcast. Myself, my co-host, and my newspaper’s editor will be eating the world’s spiciest chip. On camera. It WILL be the highlight of my year or the reason I get violently ill and have to leave school.

Going into the new year, I needed new ideas for my budding podcast. To be honest, my coverage and predictions about Omicron were shaky to say the least, some would even say disastrous but hey you live and you learn.

ANYWAYS, a ton of planning has gone into this. I had the idea on a crisp Thursday morning at 7:15 am on the toilet browsing Tik Tok. I saw this random old dude force feeding himself for views on tik tok when I saw him down 4 or 5 very spicy chilies, some daused in the world’s hottest hot sauce, followed up by a shot of vodka and him spraying WD-40 down his gullet. The funniest part is he starts with this cute little gag accent which slowly transitions into him moaning, whining, and crying as he forces himself to eat them (attached his so-called highlights at the bottom). Truly enthralling stuff. When I got to Journalism that day, I was instantly bombarded by my teacher and editor about not doing enough during my time between episodes (true but no way I would admit it).

“I’m gonna make my editor eat something so hot, she doesn’t have a tongue to tell me to slack off less,” I thought to myself.

It’s a pretty great plan if you factor our the fact that I will be torturing myself and my co-host for a gag/to see my editor’s face when she eats this chip.

I have created a whole show around the one spicy chip which I will outline:

First, we will chat around for a second, maybe get a cameo on the fourth mic from our teacher, get some other Journalism students to chime in and what not, setting the stage for the main event. Then, we will spin a wheel to determine the order in which we eat the chips. Then, another wheel will be spun to determine how much of the chip will be eaten: 60% for 1/3, 35% for 2/3, and 5% for 3/3. You are gonna hear “another wheel” a handful more times throughout this blog. Get used to it. After this spin, we will eat the chip, and film our reaction for 3 minutes. We will then all play Family Feud while handling the heat. The winner will get first dibs to spin two wheels that are mostly filled with things that help heat like milk and carbs, but also some negatives like tonic water and an onion. The other two will spin this wheel in the order of their points in Feud. After this, we will have a spelling bee, something my editor is impossibly terrible at. After this, we will probably wrap up, and that will be our show.

I am pretty excited, but I hope nobody gets a stomach ulcer leading to me getting sued. I’ll attach the podcast to my next blog so stay tuned.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yp61FEZyO48
VC: TikTok Legend

Euphoria

navraj22Leave a comment

I really did not want to start watching Euphoria. I don’t know why. My friends all pressured me to watch the show and I simply didn’t want to. It was a tough sell, nobody could really elaborate what was so special about it. I had watched the first episode and did not feel connected enough to the characters and decided the show wasn’t for me. That was until last weekend.

I went over to my friends house and she put the new episode on. It got me invested in the show.

I am so mad I waited this long. I am really invested in the lives of every character, even though not caring about the characters was the thing that put me off in the beginning. The storyline is impossible and outlandish by design, but it undoubtedly sucks you in.

Personally, I really like Fez.

It is impossible to write this blog post without spoilers, so I now understand how my friends felt trying to convince me to watch the show. I can’t say too much, as that would ruin it. I can’t say too little, as then you wouldn’t watch it.

All I will say is, the many storylines that weave together is incredibly entertaining and I implore you to watch the show.

Don’t go below the picture if you don’t want a spoiler

PC: Esquire

(P.S. I hope Fez and Lexi happens)

Goldilocks is a Hardened Criminal

jared315Leave a comment

In my Law and Society class, we have a mock trial in which we try to prosecute somebody for some crime. This mock trial happens to be the prosecution of Goldilocks, and I must say Goldilocks does not seem innocent in any way. Goldilocks broke into the house of three bears and decided to ransack the place. She ate all of their food, sat in and broke their rocking chairs, slept in their beds, and jumped through the bear’s window to run away, all throughout a pandemic. Despite being the age of 7, Goldilocks comprehends that what she had done was wrong, otherwise, why would she run? Under the basis of Goldilocks understanding her crimes, she would be tried as a minor, rather than her being pardoned due to infancy. Goldilocks will be facing time, with charges such as Vandalism, Larceny, and Burglary. I believe Goldilocks should rot in prison until the day she dies. Dirty criminals like her have no right to live among law-abiding citizens.

The Goldilocks Effect and How to Harness Social Influence | First Round Review
https://assets.proof.pub/2056/firstround/BlnSbLcpQlmVGr2VVNF1_goldilocks%20-%20hires.jpg

What Video Games I could Survive in

cannassuerLeave a comment

As someone who has over 5,000 total hours on video games and absolutely no survival experience, I figured it would be fun to take my favorite games and which of them I think I could survive in.

Dark Souls 3: Being my favorite game of all time, I figured I would start with good ol’ Dark Souls. If you’re not a masochist, and you don’t know what Dark Souls is, it’s a fantasy game that’s generally regarded as one of the most difficult video game franchises. And as a masochist who has now beat the game countless times, I can confidently say that there is no way that I would even be able to kill a single enemy. I mean, the first hard enemy you fight is a giant crystal lizard dog that would beat me into a pulp before I could even lift my sword.

Image credit: Dark Souls III Wiki

Hollow Knight: There is absolutely no way I’ll die in Hollow Knight. I mean everything in that world is literal bugs. If I can’t beat a couple of bugs, I don’t know what I’m doing in life.

Image Credit: hollowknight.com

Portal 1 & 2: As someone who considers themselves a pretty solid puzzle solver, I can confidently say that I can beat both portal games. Not only am I a decent puzzle solver, but Glados stands absolutely no chance against these hands. I mean all of her wires are always exposed. Ever heard of unplugging their wires? I mean if Chell can beat both games without thinking of that obvious loophole, then I can easily find my way through the Aperture Science Labs.

Image Credit: Games Radar

Playing with Fire … (Cartels)

jared315Leave a comment

Recently I have devoted a majority of my free time to watch a popular show known as Ozark, In this show, a financial advisor named Marty Byrde launders money for a Mexican cartel led by Omar Navarro. This intriguing show has made me question the difficulty and danger brought on by working for the cartel. In the show, the money laundering is the easiest part, with the true difficulty pressuring the financial wiz when the cartel’s enforcer demands millions of dollars through a plan that Byrde made while grasping at straws, with his life on the line. Marty’s predicament is an interesting one as his life is at stake not due to his own actions, but because of his business partner named Bruce. Bruce messed with the gas gauges on the trucks that move the money-making them appear heavier, allowing him to skim money from the cartel. Bruce’s ingenious strategy was uncovered when the cartel’s enforcer got him to tell him in a very large bluff. Bruce’s decision is the only reason why Marty is in danger.

For this reason of other people being the sole reason why Marty and his family are in danger, I question the difficulty of actually working with this fictional cartel. I understand it may not be broadcasted as a direct correlation to a real cartel or their actions, but if I was working for this cartel alone, I believe I could become successful. It seems to be nothing more than keeping your head down, doing your job, doing it well, and doing it right. By following these four self-help tips, I could prosper in this minacious work environment. In my opinion, the difficulty would come in the numbers. Although Ozark paints money laundering as a walk in the park, I believe I would face real difficulty in making millions of dollars simply appear. Marty Byrde truly is a miracle man in this right and in the right of evading the cartel for so long, however, I think I could be a valid replacement with a small crash course on laundering money efficiently. Not that I would do it 😃.

The Byrde Family House in 'Ozark' is Actually in Georgia

PC: Deadline

So My car is broke

udarsh318Leave a comment

So ya boi was driving to get lunch during his robotics meet, and basically he slid out and hit a pole. He all good tho so like we chillin but the car is not chillin. There was a lot of oil and transmission fluid leaking and power steering fluid all over the place. But it might not be super bad because the side that hit the pole is the one with all the fluid tanks so I guess we’ll see.

Car Wreck at New Boston and Cornell | Texarkana Today

PC: NPR

The Unoriginal Fighting Idea (My Take)

bartholomulethegreatLeave a comment

For this week’s blog, I’m going to discuss my take on the animals I could fight and win, but I like Pokemon and so I’m going to talk about the Pokemon I could beat in a fight. These are just fictional animals and they can use special attacks, I’m just going to set the baseline as just treating them like an animal fighting me not something that can blow me up (for obvious reasons).

To begin, let’s start with an obvious win, Klefki.

This is Klefki, its a sentient set of keys that floats. I’ll lead off with the fact that it’s a key chain what is it gonna do, if I had to fight it I’d just grab it by the keyring and shake it around like a ragdoll. This is an obvious win for me 100% of the time.

Next is a so so win-loss ratio



This is Ditto it’s a Pokemon that can morph into anything it sees, so for example it could morph into me and have the same “stats” as myself. The reason this is a toss-up for a win or a loss is that it can turn into me, I just don’t know if I would win in a fight against myself or if it would even turn into me and create me vs me situation. I’m going to give this a 50-50 chance that I would win.
Next is Darmanitan its a fire Pokemon that is 4’3″ so it’s shorter than me but it weighs 204 lb so it’s much heavier than me. I see this fight as a 100% loss for me as it is a giant fire gorilla that could definitely kick my ass in a fight. My tactic for this fight would be to attempt to get it to hurt itself but I really doubt that I could dodge this thing.
Second, to last is one of my favorite pokemon Marshadow, this Pokemon is a ghost fighting type. This Pokemon would kick my ass about 70% of the time because it is a ghost, the other 30% of the time I could totally beat it because it’s only 2’4″ tall and it weighs 48 lb. In the situation that I am able to make contact with it, I’d just punt the little thing as hard as I could launching it into space like team rocket (example: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ib084tzN8H0 – credit: Quilifai on youtube). In the event where I go to kick it and my foot goes straight through it, I’m quite so fucked like there is nothing that I can do at all, that’s my reasoning for my win-loss ratio.

Finally Zoroark, this Pokemon comes in at 5’3″ and weighs 178 lb, and is known as the illusion Pokemon. Personally, I look at this fight as a toss-up because I think that I might be able to beat this Pokemon by just straight-up fighting it. I feel like its size and weight puts it in a lower weight class than me making this one pretty even. I do think that the size of these Pokemons arms is quite lacking compared to mine. Im going to give this fight a 50% win-loss ratio.

All Photos Credit: Pokemon.com

Chaos Agent

jared315Leave a comment

There is one consistent detail that stands out to me about adults and that is their firm beliefs in themselves, their ambitions, and their character. I simply couldn’t look back at my memories and say something that I’ve been passionate about my whole life, or even my favorite food, I lack defining moments in my life that give me secure knowledge of what matters to me. I used to wonder why I didn’t feel I had these meaningful moments in life until I realized I was a bitch. I didn’t have any important moments in my life because I didn’t make any. I was too scared of being reprimanded by authority, or just having people misunderstand or be disappointed in me. I’ve realized that in the soup of life, sometimes you need to stir the pot to mix in the seasoning. I am ready to be mischievous, devious, or even dubious, anything to stir this pot. I’m still a child aren’t I, I feel it is my human right to cause a little havoc. I deserve to be asked “Do you know Tyler Durden?”

Leadership Tip of the Week: Managing Chaos | Lead Read Today | Lead Read Today

Face First into a Desk

jared315Leave a comment

When I was a wee boy, I had uncontainable energy and need to be moving. This symptom of ADHD never ceased, including the time my dad had taken me to his work office so he could make sure his files would be safe before our family went on vacation. My attention was not on my dad’s files at all, as one would expect of a six year old. I was focused on my dad’s rolling, cushioned, and spinning chair. I was more than focused by this chair, I was enticed. In my little six year old mind, I had to jump on this chair, I didn’t have a choice. It is a well-known rule to young children, that if there is a rolling, cushioned, spinning chair, you have to spin. So, that’s what I did, I spun. A six year old reached terminal velocity that day with the help of his also little brother. But this record promptly switched to a vault record as I soon went flying across the room. I must’ve been in the air for minutes until I speedily barreled into the corner of my dad’s conference desk. I was physically stuck on the desk for a few moments before falling off and causing further trauma to my head by banging it in a recycling bin. At this point in time I started teleporting between settings, ending up in beds I didn’t remember crawling into, or rooms I didn’t walk into. Eventually, I ended up in front of a screening of Batman: The Animated Series. I didn’t know how I had gotten there, but I just knew I didn’t want to leave. Sadly, I was put to sleep as the intro was ending, I soon woke up with 23 stitches in my small nose. I didn’t know 23 stitches could fit onto a nose, let alone a six year old’s nose, but I didn’t care. All I cared about was how cool I would look going back to Kindergarten.

Swivel chair definition and meaning | Collins English Dictionary

photo credit:Pinterest

5 fictional animated characters I could beat in a fight.

im6footLeave a comment
  1. The Gerber Brand baby: I’m beating the stuffing out of him. Dude simply stands no chance against me; I am SIX FOOT, 180 Gerber baby is probably 2’9” maybe 45 pounds. So there is absolutely no chance for him.
  2. Caillou: Dude is a four year old toddler that’s bald. I easily have 100+ pounds on him and probably a foot or two as well. Basically dudes got no chance \_(‘-‘)_/
  3. Maggie Simpson: She stands no chance; like do you really think Maggie Simpson can beat me (A SIX FOOT disturbance to democracy) like c’mon really. Maggie doesn’t has a shot.
  4. Russell from UP: Russell is defiantly a nice, goodhearted kid but he’s not beating me in any sort of physical interaction. I would feel awful after beating the kid’s ass in a fight.
  5. Any one of the Minions: Now a purple Minions would put up a good fight but a regular ole yellow Minion stands no chance. A Minion is half my size and softer than toilet paper, they have small arms and hands so it’s not landing a punch on me. I would rank a Minion a spot higher but they’re designed and created in lab so you never know what could happen.
photo credit:media-amazon.com