Category: journalism

Stuff having to do with the world of journalism.

My Time

slimjimsilversLeave a comment
I broke my foot in October
I thought the world would come to a halt
But only mine did
Everything I had worked for, my season, my future, my passion
It all escaped me
I’d failed
I got the news in November
It was supposed to be my year
I promised it would be my year
I fought for a chance and guaranteed results
And was left to face the consequences
I was left behind
By December I was finished
As selfish as it sounds
It hurt that the world didn’t end like it did for me
I was hurting but the globe kept spinning
Practices continued on without me
Games were played
Fun was had
I was left on the stilts that took me nowhere
In January frustration had become my norm
The jokes didn’t bounce off like they used to
I was consumed by the mistakes that brought me here
I couldn’t forget the memories I never got to make
The apologies I made that could never make my team understand
February is when I finally lost the crutches
But mentally I was still on them
I was afraid to go back to playing
The courts promised me nothing but remorse
My recovery meant getting over my injury
But I wasn’t prepared for the strength it required
In March I was back on my feet
I was playing again
My game was coming back
But it didn’t matter anymore
I was making shots, playing with my team
But it didn’t feet right
I had failed them, and they knew it too
Credit: images.unsplash.com

 

day dreaming

djrendezvous3Leave a comment

I like to live in my head a lot. My mind is racing constantly with ideas, things to say, ways to approach conflicts, what to wear the next day. But most prominently, I see myself taking several different paths in my life, each of them dramatically different and in each of them, the same me.

I see myself going to New York after school and being an assistant to a high-up, liberal lawyer who defends the rights of the people.

I see myself traveling the world, opening my mind and not settling down until later in my life.

I see myself never coming back to Ojai.

I see myself becoming a cook and writing about my connection to food and the happiness it brings me and others.

I see myself being a complete activist who stands up for social and environmental causes resulting in a better, happier planet.

But I also see myself doing exactly what I currently plan on doing, going to school and becoming educated.

Even though each of these potential futures that I have created for myself are drastically different, there is a common thread, and that’s my happiness. I find myself extremely joyed in each of these positions. I am able to be myself.

I am at a point in my life where, for the first time, I can choose what I want to do in my future without restrictions. Now, taking my life into my own hands is a reality. But I have to ask myself, what am I prepared to do to get to one of these places?

credit soflete.com

Will I even remember this?

bubblebathshawtyLeave a comment

I’ve recently come back to a certain state of mind. 

It wasn’t a choice and nothing or no one triggered it. 

I disconnect from the world completely without even realizing. 

I leave my body, my brain as if watching over myself like a spirit. 

Unaware if this is a past life or really just my reality. 

Looking down to my hands lying limply on my lap unaware that they’re even mine. 

It hits me I exist. I am here and alive. 

I go through life numb, forgetting all that I’ve accomplished. 

Coming home just to forget every conversation I had that day. 

It seems as if theres an intruder taking charge of my every move.

To then steal my memories, leaving none for me. 

My eyes glazed over staring off into a false reality. 

Blinking, recalling none of this is a dream. 

I am breathing, living human being who feels nothing.  

Unaware if I’ll ever get to meet this person taking shelter in my own skin. 

I’m unwillingly dissociated, but aspire to feel anything.

How do you feel about Dissociation Art? from Dissociation
credit to reddit, Sarah Carrasco

panic

underwaterismyflyzoneLeave a comment

Of course it happened while I was walking up.

Every breath of O2 coming in through my nose leaving with more force than the one before.

I wondered what it was that boiled my blood.

I know everyone thinks mind over matter but what about when your mind is the problem?

What do you do then?

The silence down the line only made my heart beat louder

With every step I took my thoughts raced a little faster

How did I paint myself this?

For what is the world with no one to share it?

Breath

Heart

Girl

Boy

Breath

Heart

Girl

Boy

Breath

Heart

Breath

Flight

For what is the world?

The silence broke and mended me all in one 

Thank you

Headspace you’d like to call it

I see it differently

I know everyone thinks mind over matter but what about when your mind is the problem?

Extraordinary

This world is beautiful

I love this view

photo credit: pinterest.com

homecoming…

unicornownerLeave a comment

After three months wandering around back home, we went back to campus for a brand new school year. 

After more than one year recovering from the Thomas fire, we finally had an all-school camping trip in the first week.

After the protracted and exhausting travel from the other side of the Pacific Ocean, the busy packing unpacking and packing back, putting everything in order, meeting new people, I got so tired but still tried to make myself look energetic.

An opportunity came up, a chance I could escape from all of this. 

Then I was on the bus with my day pack which had my lunch sandwich in it sitting beside me, my huge camping bag with a sleeping pad, bag, clothes and almost everything I need sitting under me in the luggage hold. 

3 days without my phone, what a challenge. My phone became a part of me, like an external organ, it stayed with me every single moment during the summertime. 

“I will be fine,” I kept telling myself before we departed. 

But as it turned out, I was really more than fine without it. I really enjoyed the time spent with my friends. We played card games, went to the tide pools, played volleyball on the beach, watched the sunset, ate s’ mores, brushed our teeth in the dark and so on. 

These days, with no phone, feeling isolated from the rest of the world, but closer to what is really around me. 

photo credit: trailhead.gsnorcal.org

a step towards clarity

mypetlobster1Leave a comment

It still hurts, but it’s gotten to the point where I can look at the photos of us and smile instead of cry. I still love you and you still hurt me, but I’m slowly making steps towards letting it go.

The photo of us holding hands and the video of your precious laugh that made my eyes drown with tears just last week has changed now. Absentmindedly, today I found myself smiling at the good times we had.

Thank you for the good times, the giggles. Thank you for holding me and caring. Thank you for the caring gestures and kind words you said to me even if you didn’t mean them.

Everything you have done in the past month would lead any rational person to say that you never truly cared, but then again I am not your average rational person. I don’t think you ever meant it when you said you loved me, but I know that we had something special.

The fact that I tried to treat you with utmost kindness and care for you after how awful you were to me, proves that I’m not rational. Or maybe it proves that I was in love.

The fact that you have shut me out completely, made it impossible for any means of communication proves that you are not the person I thought you were, but it also proves that somewhere deep down you feel the pain of remorse for letting what we had go.

I know that part of the reason you broke up with me over text is because it would hurt you too badly to see the tears rolling down my cheeks that you once used to kiss and touch. I know that part of the reason you blocked me on every communication platform and got your friends to do it too is because you don’t want to face the fact that you hurt me.

The reasons behind your actions don’t make them okay. How you treated me in the end is not okay. Lying to me and blaming your personal issues on me because you knew that I cared for you enough to take your BS and believe that I was the bad guy is not okay. But this will never change the fact that for a point of time, you brightened my days, you filled me with a sense of love and joy I don’t think I’ve ever felt before, and for a point I believed, and I still believe, that you truly loved me.

I still wear the necklace you gave me and the matching ring we have still remains in my room.

You hurt me, but you also loved me and I’m finally making steps towards letting you go.

Photo Credit: tumblr.com

a bittersweet sentiment

underwaterismyflyzoneLeave a comment

the time has come to say a short goodbye to some of my best friends- they’re graduating.

it’s not that we spend every minute of time together, because we don’t.

nor we do spend hours on end texting each other or sharing our deepest secrets, because we don’t do that either.

we don’t always all get along…

but we love each other, and that’s all i could ever ask for.

i always miss them when they’re gone

and i always look for them when they’re around.

i know it will be hard coming back to school without my friends, some of which, who i’ve had for the past five years

i know i’m not going to want to come back at all next year

and i know my school isn’t going to feel the same.

but, it’s selfish for me to say i don’t want them to go-

i know they’ll do great things

and i’m excited for their new friends to meet some of the most extraordinary people.

they’ll change the world and i’m glad i ever knew every single one of them.

they mean much more to me then they will ever know.

until we meet again, thank you for what you have taught me.

forever sisters. ❤

The Years

mycountrythoughtsLeave a comment

I wanted time to speed up.  Everything seemed like it was moving slower than a tortoise going for an afternoon stroll.  I wanted everything to end.  It seemed like those 4 years would drag on and would take up my whole life.  I always thought that those 4 years would be filled with tears of stress and sadness.  I really believed they were going to be the worst 4 years of my life.

But, now, I’m sitting in my last class of high school and all I’m asking for is five more minutes.  Everything flashed by in the blink of an eye.  I want to relive so many things.  Those 4 years went by too fast and seemed like they were one of the smallest parts of my life.  The years were filled with tears of stress and sadness, but they were also filled with happiness and love.  So far they have been the best 4 years of my life; I made so many friends, had so many new experiences, and really learned who I was.  I just want to live in it for five more minutes.

Photo Credit: Pinterest.com

Even If It Wasn’t Enough

localdreamerwithapenLeave a comment

You called me beautiful underneath the blue midnight light. Your hands were around my waist, your face illuminated with your favorite color, my thoughts were with you and only with you.

I can feel your breath hitting my cheek as I remember it all. I feel your warmth surrounding me in the otherwise cold air, I feel your hair falling into my face, followed by your fingers, gently pushing it back into place.

It’s a heart-wrecking game you play with me, and you don’t even know it. With all my willpower I’m desperately trying not to fall for you more than I already have, trying not to lose myself in another illusion and another love. But this is different. You are different and my weak little heart can’t handle it. Because with seemingly every blink of your existence, I fall.

Photo Credit: cache.desktopnexus.com

I want to let it happen. I want to fall and not stop until we both hit the ground. I want to see where we can go, what we can do. But I’ve been hurt before and I’m scared. Mainly, I think, because I don’t want you to ever feel that way. It’s taken me so long to recover, and, deep down, I know that we are so much more than anything I could have ever experienced. I can’t imagine what would happen to us if we let ourselves go the way I wish we could. I know it would be beautiful.

One more week. I could spend that week thinking about all I just said, dwelling on the sadness that flushes through my body whenever I think of the little time we have left. But I shouldn’t. I should use that time, use it wisely, use it happily. I should enjoy it, every second of it, because I don’t want to regret anything. I don’t want to look back on the time we have wasted, I want to remember all that we had, even if it wasn’t enough.

mind matter @ midnight

mariethearistocat1 Comment

one more week… how insane.

i’m in such a state of limbo,

i don’t know if i’m going to be longing to come back soon.

next year, this school won’t be my place anymore.

my room will be somebody else’s moldy problem.

my friends will be all around the world,

too far away.

i hope this summer is an easy one.

i need a good transition from high school to college.

i want to write and travel and make new friends and read a shit ton of books.

 he time that’s been romanticized in books and movies is here and it’s zipping by! 

oh, what a world i live in.