we let people change us. from the moment we are born, our lives have a certain path dictated by others, whether you’re premature and in need of immediate surgery or cozily wrapped in a pink or blue blanket. after you go home from the cold hospital, you were placed in a crib and kissed on the head. the people
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who brought you home soon tell you what to wear and how to act. this is only reinforced when your teacher tells you to raise your hand and to ask politely to use the restroom. after you outgrow the brightly colored chairs at kindergarten table to a desk at a high school, you start letting your peers decide certain parts of you. they decide where you sit at lunch and who your biology partner is.
and after that you start letting one person decide. this person is commonly known as a spouse, partner, or significant other. you share deep night conversations filled with painful memories or happy ones. what they do with this information is up to them, and you’re allowing them to decide that for themselves. so, what if they pull the trigger, let go of your darkness over dinner cocktails or lunch sandwiches. so what if your leg got bruised when i pushed you around, sweetie? don’t worry, i’m sure a haircut will cover up that broken jaw or that black eye. when you go home, make sure to wear a little more makeup there so your mom won’t notice. you listen to them, curl your hair that way or stop hanging out with that friend.
no wonder 25% of women and one in seven men will be victims of domestic abuse. if you’re shocked, don’t be. we train people from birth how to change for others, but some don’t learn to change for themselves.
It’s that time of year again, college acceptance, and denial, letters are coming our way. After months of working on applications, seniors are finally beginning to hear back from schools.
It feels as though I have been waiting a lifetime to get these letters. My dream school is the University of Southern California, and I want that school more than any other.
I have been accepted into all of my backup schools, two of my three targets, and neither of my two reaches, yet.
Chapman University recently sent me an acceptance letter, and when I got the e-mail I felt this enormous sense of relief, knowing I had been accepted into my third choice school.
The only reason it is my third choice is because I have applied to two more academically rigorous schools; Occidental College, and USC. But those schools are both reaches for me, meaning I have a smaller chance of being accepted.
I am completely happy attending Chapman, but I would be ecstatic to go to Occidental or USC.
Because I will be a pre-law student, meaning I will be going to law school after graduating from whichever undergraduate school I attend.
Because of this, I want to go to the most prestigious school I can in order to give me an edge in the Law School application process.
I am thankful I have options on where I go to college, but I am conflicted as to which school is the perfect fit for me.
Although transferring is always an option, I don’t want to build a life somewhere, make connections with other students, and learn the lay of the land at a school where I am not completely happy.
My best friend just got into Chapman as well, giving the school an enormous edge in my book. However, I have to make sure I make the right decision for me, not anyone else.
At this point, Chapman is it. But if I get an acceptance from Occidental or USC, that may change.
“There comes a time in life when you have to make a choice. Of course, these times are not rare; however, some are far more difficult than others. Deciding what ice cream flavor to get becomes easier with time- it was a lot harder to decide when you were 6 than it probably is now. All choices become easier with time and a bit of perspective.”
That’s the last thing I wrote in my journal (if you call it a diary, I will find you, and I will typewriter you), and I’ve decided that instead of finishing it there, I’ll continue here. I’m trying to achieve a sort of trust between myself, my work, and you, the reader. Whoever you may be.
Writing about your own personal feelings is a gamble, especially at this school. Lately, I’ve felt like everything I say, not just around school officials, but also around friends, is judged and is unsafe. A lot of trust is being breached, and before almost everything I say, I have to make a choice, and sometimes it becomes extremely hard. The choice is whether or not I will share information with the friend, and how it will affect our relationship, and how it might hurt me if he/she told someone else.
Why do I have to be faced with this choice every single time I talk to someone? Is that the ideal community that was pitched to me when I applied here? I guess every big family comes with problems, but I never knew that I would have to feel so regulated. Everything said seems to have to go along with the rules, even in private conversation, and that’s honestly terrifying. Even writing this is a risk- will I get in trouble for expressing my feelings? I guess that’s a gamble I’m willing to take.
Now, I am faced with a really big choice. I’m not going to articulate what it is, because I know teachers read this, and I really don’t think they want to know about my personal life (assuming they’ve figured out who I am). But what I can say about it is that it will make or break me, if I let it. I’m stuck in a mind-set that it will break me, and I know that I need to get past that and find the strength inside of myself to say I’ll make it through no matter what I choose. But I guess that wouldn’t make it the hardest choice.
I’m trying to get some perspective on this choice, but every angle, every new piece of information just makes it harder. Maybe I have to stop over complicating it and just choose. Wish me luck, I guess. May the odds be ever in my favor?
Ignore that. One Hunger Games reference is too much.
I have been thinking a lot lately about what my future is going to be like.
Not as a grown adult, but where I want to go to college, what I want to study, and what about sports?
Thinking about what’s going to go into getting in to the schools I want to go to, and if I will be able to do it.
It’s a lot to be thinking about, there are so many choices we have to make even at the young age of 16, but I have realized the future is really up to me and how hard I want to work.
I have always been the kid who doesn’t put in the effort, and I come out with a few As and a few Bs.
I have realized I need to start actually trying to put in more effort to make it all As, instead of sitting on my butt when I have free time, maybe I should study more, and get work done before sunday night.
Maybe that means I can sleep more seeing as my schedule right now is crazy.
That brings me to the other thing I have been thinking about.
It was just last year that sports started to mean something to me again.
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