Goodbye Now

OVS, I will miss you.

I can’t wait to leave you behind and move on and climb a new mountain, make a new place my new home. But that doesn’t mean that I won’t miss you.

It’s crazy to think that a couple years ago you were nothing to me but three letters. Just another place in another country in another town that I had never even heard of. Now, your little green campus means the whole world to me.

You taught me to be happy on my own, you taught me to be sad and to think. You taught me English, you taught me how to write. You taught me how to love and to hate and how to cut people out of my life for my own good and how hard and nearly impossible that can be. You taught me to speak up and to find my voice, just like you taught me how to listen and be there for the people around me.

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You’ve also taken a lot from me. You’ve taken my last four years of living at home. You’ve nearly taken one of the best friendships I’ve ever had and you’ve taken a part of my home country from me. You’ve taken my feeling of absolutely belonging anywhere at all.

But, then again, maybe that is just a part of growing up, a process that you so conveniently sped up for me and now I can move along with that advantage. I thank you for that.

I am ready to keep going and keep moving just like you’ve been telling me to do. But I’ll miss you.

I’ll miss your oak trees and pink afternoon hills. I’ll miss your lunch lines and movie nights, your encouraging words and worthless meetings. I’ll miss the people you’ve brought into my life. I’ll miss the rooms that we’ve lived in and the road up the hill we all hate. I’ll miss your flaming hot skies and succulents and I’ll miss your stars, your beautiful stars. I’ll miss your tired breakfast conversations, your van rides and the songs we’ve belted on them. It’s really been a wild couple of years.

Goodbye now, I will miss you ❤

Even If It Wasn’t Enough

You called me beautiful underneath the blue midnight light. Your hands were around my waist, your face illuminated with your favorite color, my thoughts were with you and only with you.

I can feel your breath hitting my cheek as I remember it all. I feel your warmth surrounding me in the otherwise cold air, I feel your hair falling into my face, followed by your fingers, gently pushing it back into place.

It’s a heart-wrecking game you play with me, and you don’t even know it. With all my willpower I’m desperately trying not to fall for you more than I already have, trying not to lose myself in another illusion and another love. But this is different. You are different and my weak little heart can’t handle it. Because with seemingly every blink of your existence, I fall.

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I want to let it happen. I want to fall and not stop until we both hit the ground. I want to see where we can go, what we can do. But I’ve been hurt before and I’m scared. Mainly, I think, because I don’t want you to ever feel that way. It’s taken me so long to recover, and, deep down, I know that we are so much more than anything I could have ever experienced. I can’t imagine what would happen to us if we let ourselves go the way I wish we could. I know it would be beautiful.

One more week. I could spend that week thinking about all I just said, dwelling on the sadness that flushes through my body whenever I think of the little time we have left. But I shouldn’t. I should use that time, use it wisely, use it happily. I should enjoy it, every second of it, because I don’t want to regret anything. I don’t want to look back on the time we have wasted, I want to remember all that we had, even if it wasn’t enough.

Time Flies By

When I think about May 31st, 2019, I think about what I’m leaving behind when I walk across the amphitheater to get my high school diploma.

I’m leaving behind the campus I’ve called my home the past four years, the classes where I challenged myself and found my passions, and the teachers who helped me find those passions. I’m leaving behind my friends, who I won’t see at breakfast every morning or go on camping trips with anymore.

These last four years weren’t always easy. As much as I’ve loved them, they were some of the most challenging years of my life. But, one thing made life away from home just a little easier to manage and it wasn’t my teachers or friends.

It was my horse. A bay, appendix quarter horse named Time who I’ve been riding since my freshman year. My family always asks me what I’ll miss the most about OVS when I leave and the answer is always the same: Time.

When the Thomas Fire came on December 4th, 2017, I panicked as we were evacuating on the bus thinking my horse wasn’t going to make it out alive. I cried myself to sleep, despite the constant reassurances. Over the summer, I ended up crying again when I went three months without riding and, more specifically, without riding Time. I don’t know what’s going to happen when I have to say goodbye to him during the last week of school knowing that it’ll be the last goodbye. Knowing hat I won’t be getting back on once summer is over. Knowing that one day, towards the end of May, I will untack for the last time and possibly never get back on him. That, the following September, he’ll get a new rider and I’ll be at a university in a completely different city. I hope that rider loves that freaking horse as much as I do, though. Sometimes I wonder if that’s possible.

So many things happened the last four years with Time by my side. I went with him to my first horse show, on my first horse camping trip, my first dressage clinic, and my first injury, which he gave me after he threw me off at said horse show. Even though I got a fractured back, the story was still funny and memorable.

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I can imagine leaving OVS and going off to college, but I can’t imagine leaving Time. I can’t imagine my school day not consisting of me going to the barn at the end of the day and getting on him whether the lesson ends up going well or not. I wish I could take him with me to college, but it’s probably not possible.

Last Friday, my aunt and uncle came to watch me ride. “I don’t understand how some people just let go of their horses or sell them,” my aunt said. “They’re pets too.”

Time may have not be mine legally, but he is mine. At least, I like to say he is and, at least, many other people thought Time was mine before I told them he wasn’t. But, he is my horse. The horse I’ve ridden for all of high school and the animal I’ve developed a bond with.

I’m not ready to let Time go, but I’ll have to and I will. Even if it might be one of the most painful things I’ll ever have to do.


You left.

You were the one that thought I wasn’t good enough.

I was the one who treated you better than you deserved.

So, please tell me why I am the one who is texting you, trying to mend our relationship.

Tell me why I want to be on okay terms with you, while you don’t.

Actually, don’t. Don’t answer any of those, because I am done.

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I can’t wait until the day you look for me and I am gone.

I can’t wait until you realize what you had and want it back.

Until you’re a man who can actually handle me, rather than the boy you are now.

I can’t wait until you yell for me and I don’t come running to your side like you would imagine.

I wish I could see your face during the moment you read this, the last thing I will ever type to you.  Goodbye, first love.

Awkward. Physical. Contact.

Otherwise known as hugs. Or even worse prolonged hugs.

Almost everyone I know is in love with this activity. They say to me:

“It’s a great way to display love.”

“It’s a way of showing you care.”

“It’s a way of connecting with a person.”

“It is a way of comforting people.”

Hugs just make me uncomfortable. I find issue with being in that much contact with a person.

This is a particular issue when in a situation that includes re-meeting people, saying goodbye to people, and expressing excess emotion.

I do kind of wish I was better with the whole “come here and give me a nice big hug” thing, but then again it’s just not who I am.

Many a time I have been asked why I don’t like hugs or in fact most prolonged physical contact.

I have set out to answer this (and maybe this is true for more people than just me).


Hello, Love, Goodbye.

Dear Junior year,
Hello! Hope everything is going well with you.

I really haven’t noticed that you are leaving me shortly. Therefore, I want to thank you for this fantastic whole school year.

I still remember the first day we met. I was nervous because I thought you would be a tough year. As I expected, you were difficult.

However, you were not as horrible as I imagined even though there were hard AP classes, homework, SAT and so on.

I became the junior class rep this year which was such an awarding experience.

We had “Team Competition” and my team the “Eagles” got second place for the first semester and the third place for the end of the school year. We had the funnest event of the year – Spuds Fest and I had great time.

Starting in September this year, I ran the Crosscountry for my very first time in my life. That was hard indeed. I wanted to challenge myself and fortunately, I did it. For the first time, I felt I was actually faster than a lot of people. I found confidence.

This year I also started journalism class for the first time. I felt so lucky that I actually enjoyed the class. We found and wrote stories. I learned how to look at the world differently.

Life is a story, and the best way to learn it is to write it.


Dear Junior year,

I was lucky enough to meet lots of new people this year and they were all lovely friends who colored my year with laughters and joy.

From you, my junior year, I felt I had become closer with our community. You brought me courage and confidence to talk to people more openly and comfortably.

But why you taught me a lesson by hurting me though?
Why did you take him away and told me brutally that love did not equal to ownership?

And then I realized that love had no right or wrong indeed. You were correct, some people were supposed to come into your life, taught you something and then left. So don’t worry about me, I’ll be ok.

Then our junior class organized a fairly successful prom with a theme of “Candy Land.” I had great fun with my friends and that was an unforgettable and “sweet” time.

After the prom, I headed to New York and Chicago for my spring break. That was a trip to heal my heart.

Days always got busy after the break. AP tests, finals and tons of projects were thrown to me.

But overall, thank you to make me feel love.
I grew up a lot.


Dear Junior year,

You’ve given me so much more than I could remember.
And then you told me it’s time to move on to the next station and Senior year is waiting for me.

Please remember me like I would never forget you.
Take care and farewell.

I’ll miss you, my Junior year.


Coming to an End.


Whether it’s trying to escape an awkward conversation, a rambling relative or trying to leave an event, saying goodbye is always hard. The hardest goodbyes are separations, the ones that greet the end. The friends you know you will never see again, the faces you will miss and the smiles you will never share again.

As I am approaching graduation, I can’t help but to feel sad. I have said many goodbyes, through my life, and they never get any easier. In fact they probably get harder. This is because the promises with friends you make are often broken: visits never happen, fate interferes and commonalities change.

It’s just one of those things with friendships, people will always grow apart. Being from such a close-knit graduating class I hope that our relationships will remain. Still, things coming to an end are always sad.