Hindsight 20/20

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My parents tell me that I broke your heart… but I deny it.

Sometimes, I think about how we used to be. I remember that one night when I texted you asking if you knew any good places to get my guitar fixed. We hadn’t really ever talked that much before this so I was shocked by your answer. “I can fix it for you, what’s your address,” you replied. You drove half an hour to my house to come pick up my guitar. You didn’t just pick up my guitar; you played my piano, talked to me, made me laugh, and told me I had a beautiful voice and you would love to play music with me.

From that night we became closer. I remember how excited I got when you would text me, how nervous I was when you would come over, and how happy I would be when we played music together.

Weeks went by and, even though you lived half an hour away, we’d hang out almost every night after swim practice. I remember my best friend saying how perfect you were for me. At that moment, I agreed. You were an amazing guitarist who was looking for a singer in your band. You were funny and entertaining. You were an amazing swimmer. And, you actually paid attention to me, something I had never really experienced from a guy.

One night, I heard a knock on my door. There you were with a guitar case, my guitar case. I opened it to find my guitar clean, polished, and fixed. I thought you were just going to replace the string that I had snapped. I was shocked. I offered you money, but you wouldn’t take it.

That night, you kissed me. I had kissed people before in dares, spin the bottle, or other stupid party games, but this was my first real kiss. My heart beat a million times a minute, my cheeks were probably bright red, and I remember thinking how perfect that moment was. It’s crazy how much things have changed since then.

I remember how you would surprise me with flowers; how we would sneak into your guest house when your parents were home, so we wouldn’t get caught; the guitar lessons you gave me; and the food you would buy me. I met your whole family. We did a triathlon together. You finished way before me, but as soon as you crossed the finish line, you ran back to do the final stretch with me. When I ran my marathon, you woke up at five am to drive to the starting line and cheer for me and you were their when I crossed the finish line. Then, there was the time you told me you loved me, I said it too.

It seems like everything happened so fast. I had so many firsts with you. I had so many good memories with you. Before this, guys always ignored me, wanted nothing to do with me, and would never want to be part of any relationship with me.  I never thought I would be the one hurting you.

I was happy in the beginning, for the first couple months, but as time went on, something changed. You didn’t change though, you continued to so many nice things for me and be the amazing person you are. You wrote me a song, comforted me when I was down, wrote me letters when I went to sleep away camp, went on hikes with me, and told me I was beautiful. You didn’t change at all, but my feelings did.

I started acting weird. I became a bit distant. I don’t know why I stopped feeling the same for you, it just happened. The day I told my parents I wanted to break up with you they said not to. “He’s so perfect, stick with him,” they said. My mom would get mad when ever I asked her how I could break up with you.

I tried to feel the same way about you again, I really did, but I just couldn’t. The day I broke up with you, you cried. You said you were okay and that it wouldn’t change our friendship, but we both knew that was a lie.

I cried too. I felt like such an awful person. My mom would tell me I deserved to feel that way, because of what I did to you. My best friend would say it too.

It’s been over half a year since we dated, yet its almost like whenever you look at me, you seem sad.  We’re in the same friend group, so I see you sometimes when I’m with my friends. A couple weeks ago, I asked you what was wrong. “Whenever I see you, I just get sad. I get so jealous when I see you with other guys. I still love you,” you said.

Now, we barley talk. It’s awkward when people say your name.

Sometimes I think about how we used to be. My parents tell me that I broke your heart… I don’t deny it.

 

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better together

i spend a lot of time thinking about this year and how it’s blown by.

after all these two hundred some odd days i realize that i have lost and gained a lot of friends.

to those of you who are reading this, i love all of you and i never wanted our friendships to end.

but to you, i’m sorry.

i am sorry if i caused us to drift apart, but i miss you and i hope we can be together again.

 

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we always promised we would be friends forever, but i guess not every promise is kept.

we swore we would be friends until the day we died, and would never, ever let anything come between us.

but, it breaks by heart that we aren’t close and i’ve been longing to just talk to you again, just like we used to.

i miss you and i love you.

you may know who you are, and i hope you do, because i’m calling out to you, i’m screaming, you just can’t hear me or maybe you don’t care to listen.

maybe it’s our different opinions on certain things, or maybe it is that we drifted separate ways, but i hope we can find our way back soon.

i remember how we used to be,

we were so close,

and knew everything about each other.

we would laugh and cry together, learn strange dances at midnight, sing our hearts out to songs from our childhood until the sun rose, and just be us.

we used to die to be with each other, and would spend every ounce of time we could together.

but here we are, seperate, and i’m trying to find my way back to you.

Nostalgia

I miss waking up early on Saturday mornings to watch my favorite cartoons.

Now I struggle to wake myself up, even in the afternoon.

I miss wearing zebra print leggings under neon pink skirts and Hannah Montana shirts to top it off.

Now the worries about people judging the dirt at the bottom of my shoes to the fabric of my cardigan consume me to the point of anxiety.

I miss being excited about Christmas. I miss waking up early and running out of my bedroom in my pajamas to sit around the Christmas tree and open gifts. I miss making cookies for a Santa I once believed in.

Now I know his existence was a mere tale.

Now Christmas itself is a mere tale to me.

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I miss believing. I miss believing in fairies and elves, and having adults feed me those tales to keep my imagination strong.

I miss dancing around the room like no one was watching. I miss dancing to music that actually had a meaning.

Now, all I hear is deafening dubstep and meaningless, degrading rap. Now all I see is grinding.

I missed when I could sing at the top of my lungs, and no one would say I was bad even though we all knew I was.

I miss when the most dramatic thing at school was two seven year olds holding hands under a desk, not finding out drugs were killing your best friends.

I miss being young. When I’d see celebrities on big screens and wish to be like them one day. Now I know who they really are, all their messed up scandals and drunken photos taken by paparazzi.

I guess what I miss most is being a child. I don’t miss my childhood, but I miss when I was young. When I wasn’t stressed about school, when the biggest worry of my life was if Miley was going to get with Jesse or Jake, and when I could always be happy.

Spare Change

I collect memories in my head like a child picks up change off the pavement.

A visual: Boy walks home on the sidewalk, making sure to hop over every crack in the pavement. He spots a penny, examines it between two pinched fingers and deems the coin a lucky charm, then stuffs it into a pocket for safekeeping.

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Change, what a funny thing it is.

I often find myself reminiscing on the past. In some ways I guess that could be a good thing, looking back on old memories. Mostly though it just makes me sad.

Photos, journals, memories, they all hit you with this bittersweet nostalgia. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time, just to relive a particular day.

Over the past few years I’ve made connections with different people, some of whom I’ve come to genuinely care about and love. Sometimes I look at some of them and wonder if in ten years I’ll still remember their face, name, or the reason why I was friends with them. It sucks, but the fact is that for a lot of them I probably won’t.

Maybe I’m afraid of change. The more I think about the past the more it makes me dread the future. I wish it wouldn’t go by so fast. I don’t want more of my friends to graduate. I don’t want to get older. But they will; I will.

I can’t control time, no one can. So I guess all I can do is take it in while I can. The good, the bad, and everything in between.

A memory: Last night I was eating dinner with four friends. I hold an imaginary camera out in front of my face and pose, making fun of the boy sitting at the end of the table. “Hey,” he says, “you have to squint your eyes more if you want it to be accurate.” A hand smacks down on top of the table, legs kick out in front of chairs, a forefinger pushed against pursed lips reprimands us for the eruption of shrieks and giggles. We laugh so hard that our stomachs ache and tears spill out of our eyes.

I hope that I’ll remember that moment, even though it’s sort of insignificant in the grand scheme of things. But, hey, it’s the little things that count, right?

In that moment I realized that I have some wonderful, genuine people in my life, and I’m so lucky to be able to call them my best friends.

A piece of advice (for myself and whoever might be reading this): Keep picking up all the pennies you find, even if they don’t seem lucky. Everyone can use a little spare change.

Game of Thrones

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Game of Thrones Season 1-5 spoilers ahead

It is that time of the year again: Less than 50 days until Season 6 of Game of Thrones. It is time to start from the beginning of the show, watching one episode every night till the new season is released. I don’t binge watch alone; I get together with friends at least once a week and we watch the episodes together. With so many episodes it is hard to remember what happened in an episode 3 years ago, so I came up with a solution to eliminate gaps between the old and new episodes. A part of this tradition is to make predictions of what will happen and whoever is closest wins and gets the prize of hearing the others say “good job”.

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Season Six is looking like it will be the best season yet; after the death of Stannis Baratheon and Jon Snow, it’s hard to tell what path the show will take. The entire series I have been a big believer in the Melisandre, Stannis’ advisor. For those who aren’t familiar with the show, she is a priestess who serves R’hllor, the Lord of Light. Westeros is full of many religions, but only the prayers to R’hllor are answered. Although the religion is borderline satanic and possibly witchcraft, it is extremely powerful. A fire priestess like Melisandre can see the future which is really important when commanding armies. She has never been wrong with the exception of Stannis dying in battle. But I believe she knew that he would die. Melisandre has been trying to get Jon Snow to join them, but Jon refused because he has sworn an oath forcing him to serve the night’s watch.

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Men who swear the oath serve in defending the border wall till death. They are responsible for defending against Wildlings which resemble barbarians, and White Walkers, which are undead creatures that can only be killed with dragon glass, an extremely rare material. Because the white walkers are a new threat and no one believes the night’s watch reports of them, they are forced to ally the Wildlings under Jon’s orders. His men were so mad that Jon was killed in a mutiny in a dramatic Julius Caesar killing. His death is the best thing to happen to Melisandre. A fire priests in one episode showed that he could bring back the dead, but only those who R’hllor thinks is worthy. Melisandre knows that Jon is worthy and may bring him back to life. This is huge because Jon will no longer be sworn to the night’s watch; he is the rightful King of the north and the entire north will have his back in a war. On top of that he would have control of the remains of the Baratheon army, and because of his sister Sansa he will most likely get support in secret from Little Finger who basically controls everyone through blackmail. If that isn’t enough, he could probably get support from Dorne, a nation that isn’t a part of Westeros and Dorne really hates the current leaders of Westeros the Lannisters. If Jon Snow comes back to life, it would be game over for the Lannisters, and as much as I love to hate them, I can’t wait till they are gone.

 

 

Reunited at Last

There once was a little Korean girl living in an orphanage and an American soldier who was stationed in South Korea.

This soldier fell in love with this little girl and decided that she was meant to be a part of his family back home.

The little girl excited to start a new life didn’t understand that she would be leaving her home and her three older siblings for a new life.

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The little girl returned back to the United States with the solider, ready to meet her new family. She became the fifth member of this new family, leaving her past behind.

She wasn’t necessarily welcomed with open arms to her new family. Her new mother was unsure about the adoption and her new brother and sister also adopted, acted as if she was the only adopted one due to her ethnicity.

As she got older, her childhood memorize faded and she made new ones. Over the years she became incredibly close with her new father. When she was nine he passed away, leaving her alone with her mother and two siblings.

The girl, not so little anymore, grew up into an amazing young woman. She graduated college, danced professionally, got a good job, married and eventually had two daughters of her own.

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Years had passed since her second daughter had been born when she received a letter in the mail from Holt Adoption Agency. This letter was from the agency that was responsible for her adoption, saying that her Korean family was looking for her.

A month later she flew to Korea to meet her family.

It is now 2015 and her family is visiting her in America for the second time.

New Starts.

Paths

It’s time for new starts, new beginnings, and new adventures. Recently I have found myself saying quite frequently “if you fear something it must be good” and this has become the motto for my life at its current state.

With so much change coming into my life I can’t help but to feel nervous and in many ways sad. Letting go of relationships, family and old lifetimes will be tough as I have previously experienced, but change is always good.

I am about to forge a new path for myself, expanding to new horizons and becoming the person I am destined to be. I have no restraints to hold me back except myself and realistically that’s the easiest battle.

It’s time to take small steps towards great new starts.