Tag: thoughts

Light and Dark

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This will probably be the first and last post where I’m this free-spoken, but I know this will be therapeutic. I know we all have bad days, but what do you do when the closest people to you are just gone in a matter of seconds? What do you do when suddenly that someone becomes just a memory and you realize that you can’t make any new ones with them?

As I’ve found out for myself when everything is going great, suspiciously good, the universe has to balance it out. The Bob Ross quote, “Gotta have opposites dark and light, light and dark in painting. It’s like in life. Gotta have a little sadness once in a while so you know when the good times come. I’m waiting on a good time now,” me too Bob, me too.

In moments like this, you feel like an outsider to the world and you just want to get away, distract yourself somehow. But I’ve forced myself to accept and face the facts: time heals, but you need a lot of it.

Bob Ross quote

 

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Endless Stream

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They race through my mind, keeping me up at night and clouding my mind during the day.

I can’t shut off my brain, no matter how hard I try to find the “off switch” I can’t. It’s like searching for a face in a crowded subway station or an insomniac trying to fall asleep.

I lay in bed at night, with a constant stream of thoughts flowing through my mind, understanding some, but confused by most. Sometimes it is a memory, thought or emotion; but often times I can’t identify it. My thoughts are all muddled together, keeping me from the things that I need to focus on.

I feel like I am being sucked into this dark tunnel with no way out. My mind is always alive and buzzing. It doesn’t matter how tired I am or how much I try to just not think, the constant and endless stream of thoughts never stop.

I Crave Sleep

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Sometimes I just want to let go. Sometimes I just want to not care. Sometimes I just don’t want to have to think.

I wish I could just shut my mind off and get lost.

Have you ever tried to shut your mind off?

I wish I could just relax and not have a constant stream of thoughts pouring through my mind.

I wish that just for a few hours I could be alone with my own thoughts, consumed not by others words but my own.

I yearn for silence, I yearn to be able to block out all the voices and noises that are rushing through my head.

I crave the ability to just shut my eyes and block out the world around me.

I long to be able tay down and not be disturbed. I long to be able to lay down and let my mind leave my body.

I crave sleep.

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Talking to you

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I want to talk to you at three in the morning, when I’m laying in bed, with waves of emotion rushing over me. I want to talk to you when I wake up from a bad dream – drowning in my thoughts, suffocated by my imagination.

When I can barely talk, overrun by emotion – I want you to be there, welcoming my grievances. Listening to my rants, my aches and pains, and my worries.

When all I see is blackness, and all I feel is pressure, I want to talk to you. My support – a shoulder to cry on, someone to vent to – you are who I turn to.

I have a lot of thoughts. Good and bad, light and heavy, they consume me. And when I wake up in the middle of the night and every inch of me is devoured by these emotions, it is you who I want beside me.

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Control

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Lack of control, lack of consciousness. From a passing feeling of anxiety grows a larger, stronger sensation.

A pit embedded so deep in my stomach, sprouting vines that spread to the very tips of my fingers. The pit grows larger and larger, heavy as rock, hard as steel.

I pass it off as nothing. All in my head, nothing of significance. But this rock, this sensation, leaves me hyper aware.

Each movement shoots throughout my body, ricocheting off of every surface. Any tingle, shiver or prickle is felt in every nerve, magnified by my growing alertness.

And this greater attention leads to a realization, an understanding of this feeling. My depths are screaming to be let out, stopping at nothing to be heard.

I fall, deeper and deeper into my head; I am below the surface, unaware of the world around me. This pit, this feeling, is overtaking me.

The vines wrap around my brain, my eyes, anything they can grasp, bringing darkness to my world and shutting out any understanding.

My hands are immobile, unresponsive to my commands. These vines suffocate me, wrapping around my neck and my brain, squeezing tighter and tighter.

I have lost all ability to speak – to guide and to oversee. Dark clouds loom over my last drop of consciousness, obscuring my last speck of assurance.

I have lost control.

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Breaking down the Dam

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Writers block is such an odd sensation. It’s like knowing what you want to write but you don’t know how to formulate it coherently.

It is literally an all-encompassing feeling of frustration and confusion.
The most frustrating part about writer’s block is that there is nothing that will make it go away except time and it can last for what feels like an eternity.

Writers block can strike at anytime, but it feels as if it is most common when there is a deadline that is fast approaching.

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Breaking through the writers’ block and having the words just flow out is one of the most satisfying feelings.

It is like a dam that has been holding back a vast amount of water, and that dam finally breaking down and all the water pouring out. Once that dam has been broken down you feel almost unstoppable, like the water that just continues to flow.

Camping Chaos

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After an incredible summer, I’m back and ready for my senior year.

Coming back to school felt so sudden, especially when I heard the news that there was a mandatory all-school camping trip on the second week of school.

Uh oh.

I give credit to my editor and friend, Kendall Shiffman, for this quote that is oh so accurate: “I’m just a happy camper who hates camping.”

The thought of being consistently dirty for five days makes me cringe, but the decision was already made that I had to go.

On the drive up to Moñtana De Oro, I became warmed up to the idea of camping, and as soon as we arrived I was suddenly overwhelmed with excitement.

The environment was incredibly green, cold, and lush. Camping instantly seemed less terrifying.

As the trip went on, I ventured far out of my comfort zone. I never would have imagined having fun was a possibility on a mandatory camping trip, but that’s exactly what happened.

This camping trip truly taught me one thing: I feel more open-minded about life than I ever have before.

Without You

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Let it all fall down.

Let your hair fall down with the rain.

The water drops down your face, and make up or none your beauty remains the same.

Dancing in the grass while the heavens open upon us.

Like the scene from a movie.

Embracing each other while the thunder booms in the background, and distant lightning draws closer.

The sky flashes with purple and white light, but in that moment there was no other care in the world.

The ground could be falling around us, but all that matters is we were the last ones standing.

You and I together while the world crumbles away.

The rain douses the fire that rumbles below our feet,

Stuck, but not alone.

Never alone when I am with you.

The alarm goes off

Blindly reaching for the snooze button, just longing for another 10 minutes.

Another night spent with you.

Without you.

When the time comes that the world does actually fall away,

It will be you and I on that last piece of earth left.

Holding each other as it all crumbles.

Need to Skate

callmemaybe32Leave a comment

Seeing as the hockey season has been over for about a month or so I haven’t been on the ice as much.

The season just started this past Thursday, but sadly I had to bench myself and sit in bed at home sick.

Tomorrow night is the 2nd game of the season and I am ecstatic about lacing up the skates and going out to play hockey.

I honestly have not skated as much as I should have in this off season, but hey I can’t be perfect.

What I really need is to find time to start lifting in the gym again, but I have no idea where that is going to fit in.

This season is going to be the one, I feel it.

Last season brought some new faces to Team USA, myself included, but this season we have all worked together and we know what we are walking into.

It is time to get down to business and change the face of Team USA.

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Shaken

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Silence.

Only the buzz of a the car rolling on the freeway.

Above her head, black expanse broken by the single, flickering light of a plane.

That was the first time she ever truly wished she could run, escape. Get out of this stuffy car. Away from all of the stress and pressure. To find Some reprieve, Some momentary peace, Somewhere far away.

If only she could be on that plane that was slowly crossing the night sky. If only she could switch lives with the driver that drove parallel to the car she was in. If she could leave…if. If.

Oh, and how she wanted to SCREAM. It seemed sometimes that was the only way to keep her sanity. To scream. But she could not.

She couldn’t bear telling her father, who was sitting behind the wheel. No, that would break his heart. He didn’t need to know. Nobody needs to know.

So, muffled, in her thoughts, she was screaming. Her eyes silently staring ahead.

Miles to go until she got to her destination.

And miles to go until she could start living her life like she wants to.