Soul Knight

Sometimes, it is good to waste some time on endless video games.

They can be a stress-free comfort zone, a place to escape far away from reality.

The game I’ve been playing recently is called “Soul knight.” it is a Run-and-Gun shooter game, and it allows multiple players under the same wifi connection to play together.

It takes up 10-30 minutes to finish one single game. Each game has 3 levels of the dungeon, each level has 5 small sub levels, and the deeper of the dungeon means more difficult to complete. By the end of each level, there is a boss which is a more powerful and aggressive monster you need to beat.

This is the game you have always wanted in your subconscious. Explore the dungeon, collect crazy weapons, dodge bullets and shoot ‘em all up! Extremely easy and intuitive control; super smooth and enjoyable gameplay, mixed with rogue-like elements.

photo credit: levelwinner.com

Year III

This is my last year in high school where my grades need to be A’s, where my extra curricular activities matter. This is my last year where cramming in PSAT prep will benefit me, and the last year where SAT prep is a dreaded ritual.

After this year, the hours on hours of work, sleepless nights,  cramming for texts, student leadership applications, struggles I faced, fun memories I had, volunteer activities, extra curriculars, and sports achievements will all be put on to a single document… The last three years of my life will be put on a document; an application.

By the end of this year I’m supposed to have a general idea of my life plan, my career, and my identity.

By the end of the year I’m supposed to have perfect SAT scores, ACT scores, and 5’s on AP tests.

By the end of the year I’m supposed to be a person who will stand out amongst millions of other applicants.

This is my last year to become who colleges want me to be while still trying to stay true to the person I want to be.

In less than 365 days, I will need a paper explaining who I am, what I want to do, what I stand for, what sets me apart, and why I belong at the college receiving the paper. All of who I am, all of why I’m special, and all of why I belong in 650 words.

A transcript and 650 words which will determine my future, career and where I will be for the next four to eight years.

A lot to think about… a lot to do, a lot at stake. Welcome to junior year.

Photo Credit: artsy.net

30 things

Finals week starts tomorrow, and I already know it’s gonna be extremely mentally exhausting. So, here is a list of unimportant things that make me feel better/calm down:

  1. the smell of the ground after rain
  2. running your hand across smooth wood
  3. fingers sliding down guitar strings
  4. watching the sun set through the leaves of a tree
  5. cat purrs
  6. freshly washed sheets
  7. pressing flowers in a heavy book
  8. braiding your hair
  9. the smell of saddle soap
  10. watching horses eat
  11. drawing in black pen
  12. painting your nails
  13. the sound of shoes crunching in the sand
  14. the sound of shoes crunching in the snow (though this seems pretty unlikely to happen anytime soon)
  15. opening a new pack of gum
  16. watching vines that butter my croissants
  17. walking barefoot through wet grass
  18. a dog’s cold nose
  19. when a dog high fives you
  20. dogs
  21. biting into an apple
  22. cutting a piece of paper perfectly straight
  23. matching your outfit with your shoes
  24. opening a textbook to the exact page you needed to open to
  25. closing all the tabs after finishing a research paper
  26. twinkle lights
  27. the shadows of trees moving in the wind
  28. putting on eyeliner in one single motion
  29. listening to the rain and flume
  30. a good hug

via chaifeed.me

via i.pinimg.com

Summer feels

I can’t wait for this summer. You know, in the past, people have always told me that junior year is gonna be harder than all the other years. But I had no idea that they were actually right about that!

I’m mentally and now even physically so exhausted that I don’t want to do anything but sleep. But guess what! I can’t!

That’s why I can’t wait for summer. I can actually sleep then. I won’t have anything to do but read, ride horses, go for runs with my dog, probably study for the SAT, go to my summer journalism program, and travel. I’m so excited to travel!

via static.tumblr.com

 

In the US everything seems to be so far apart. If you go on a two hour train ride here, you get to another city in the state. But if I go on a two hour train ride from my hometown, I end up in another country. I can’t wait to go to Paris, to Amsterdam, Berlin, to Greece.

I also really can’t wait to ride my horse again. I am so glad that I get to ride at my school here, I am so thankful for that, but it’s so different from my barn at home. I can go there whenever I want, I can stay there as long as I want, go on trail rides through the fields and forests, and I can actually get lessons. So, obviously, I can’t wait.

Of course I’ll miss all my friends here, as always. I’ll miss the amazing weather in California, and the amazing avocados and oranges, that simply don’t taste the same in Germany. But I can’t even tell you just how excited I am for this summer!

AP madness

Today my mom asked me if I have been feeling stressed lately, because I apparently looked a little tired. Yes, yes, a thousand times yes, I am so stressed. Ugh.

Since the beginning of the school year, most of my classes have been leading up to these two weeks: the AP weeks. So, naturally, I’ve put a bunch of pressure on myself for doing well, or at least pass my exams for God’s sake.

lol…    via theodysseyonline.com

If my grade depended on them, I’d probably not care as much, ironically. If they counted towards my grade, I could at least try to do well for the rest of the year to make up for it. But if I do badly on my APs, there is literally nothing I can do about it. So no pressure!

It’s not like doing well on those exams could determine whether or not my dream college finds me worthy of being admitted. It’s not like passing them could mean I wouldn’t have to take a bunch of classes in college, which could possibly save a ton of money AND nerves. No pressure at all!

Well, at least there are about 180,000 other students living this nightmare with me, and at least I still have time to watch The Great British Baking Show now and then, and at least I now have an excuse to wear sweatpants to school. This all is definitely a struggle, but it could be worse.

(That still doesn’t mean I’m not stressed though…)

 

continuing on

i’m stressed.

beyond words, feelings, and emotions.

i feel the whole world watching my next move but every step i take is somehow five steps backward.

i know that if i tell someone it would help me so much, but if i tell someone it will hurt the person i care about most.

this person means so much to me and i don’t want to hurt them in any manner.

but the weight of what they don’t know is closing in on me and it may kill me before they realize.

i can’t allow them to continue because i know that by the end they will be hurt worse than before.

 

Photo Credit: anxiwarrior.files.wordpress.com

 

my heart races when it’s brought up and tears grow in my eyes.

i could cry for hours and hours but still no one would notice.

and who could i tell?

i can’t confide in them because it’ll hurt me too much and i can’t confide in anyone else, it’ll just hurt them.

i’m so scared for them, because when the truth is released it will slowly break them, until they are nothing and i am nothing.

if i tell them, i will break as well, they will lose their trust in me just like i have lost it in myself.

how have i gone on this long without breaking is beyond my understanding?

but now i am breaking.

i’m crumbling.

and no one seems to notice.

i’ll be gone and everyone will continue on.

A Biography for Stress

I’m not one for advice.

Actually, I probably give some of the worst advice I’ve ever heard.

But, one thing that I’m probably even worse at is managing stress, and, more importantly, giving people advice about it. Because, in all actuality, I have no idea how to manage it and I don’t think anyone really does.

Stress comes in all shapes and sizes. It can be as little as that paper you know you should have enough time to write for your English class, yet you psych yourself out because, after all, it is a big chunk of your grade. And stress can be as big as….. well anything. It can take over your life and control you if you let it.

Photo Credit: anxietyuk.org

For me, one of my larger stresses I refer to as competition stress. This comes with all sports competitions, no matter the magnitude of it. It’s the pressure and the anxiety sitting on your shoulders like a bird watching its pray from way above so the pray can’t see them.

Lastly, the big stress, the whole shebang, is what I call the stalker stress; this is the type that even if you kick, scream, run, and hide it’ll find you somehow. It is the type of stress that resembles a person you don’t want to get to know, and one that you hope doesn’t know you. It is the boogie man hiding under you bed when you’re little and the clown hiding behind your door. It’s the reason that you hate walking alone in the dark because you don’t exactly know what you’re scared of at this point, you just know you’re scared.

But, I’ve learned one thing, and if people do ask me about stress this is the only true piece of advice I can give: it’s hard to manage stress, but it’s even harder not to be scared of it. So once you manage how to not be scared of the inevitable, life becomes easier, I don’t exactly know how, it just does.

P.S. I don’t want you to go on thinking that I have it all figured out, because I don’t. I’m so far away from it, but I’m managing, and will continue to until I can stop stressing about the little things and go on living life. But that will be a while, because it’s difficult and stressful.

Photo Credit: psychologistworld.com