“You know it doesn’t work like that,” I say, trying to keep the shakiness from showing.

I feel cold and my eyes burn. I grasp the hemline of my loose tank top. The air around me swishes menacingly through the hair around my ears. I purse my lips making sure I don’t say anything I’ll regret. I nod as a way to say I’m not continuing the conversation, then stalk off down the hall.

I feel the faint sting of a layered label along my stomach. I know immediately what it is: odd. I frown, looking down trying to see my collarbone. I close my eyes, willing the red shadows away. I close my eyes and let out a breath of hot air. The hallway is small, confining, making it hard to expel the blackness rising in me.

The pastel yellow door of the bathroom mocks me. Smiling garishly at the obsidian ice building in me, I grab the handle pulling the door open violently. I get ready for a shower, careful to not bump the new lacerated label. I stare at myself in the mirror. There is black scrawling all over, at all angles.

I begin to rub the new label, causing twinges to run through my legs. As I turn the water on scalding, I scrub it gently at first, then furiously to where the pain is almost too much to bear. I keep scrubbing until it starts to bleed again. The sobs start coming as fast and easy as breathing. I sit down carefully, the snowy porcelain of the shower floor slowly becoming a pale pastel pink.

The tears and the hot water are mixing together. The water shuts off – the allotted time over. “There are other living souls in this house that need the shower!” my mom calls from outside the horrid yellow door. 

I don’t justify her calling with a response.

I quickly stand up to grab the heavy-duty band aids out of the cupboard, praying that my mom doesn’t open the door and come barging in like a freight train. I struggle to cover the entire surface area of the label. “Sawyer!” I finish the sad attempt to bandage my leg and sling a towel around myself. Trying to look as dignified as possible, I leave the bathroom.

The path from the bathroom to my room is even narrower and lined with mirrors. A knot forms in the base of my throat. I stumble halfway to my haven without looking at a mirror. But I can’t help it.

I glance up at the mirror. The person that glances back is me but darker, more attractive, and has a murderous gleam in its sinisterly blackened eyes. Its elegantly sculpted brows raise, asking ‘what do you think?’ A slender finger beckons, a full red mouth pulls into a grin, revealing teeth sharpened into points. I can feel it pulling me forward. I struggle to pull myself out of its grasp, until I’m once again staring at my scrawled-on feet and the smooth clean floor.

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I lift my heavy, leaden feet and shuffle the rest of the way to my haven, my room. The dark wooden door opens without so much as a whisper. I make sure to turn on all the lights so there is no shadow left anywhere in the room. The rich cobalt walls reflect all the light, making it seem like I’m underwater.

An Open Thank You to the President

Thank you for the past eight years.

Although I’ve only seen two presidents in my life, thank you for all that you’ve done.

Thank you for allowing people to criticize you before and after winning the election.

Thank you for being a benevolent spokesperson of the United States, and for meeting other leaders with dignity and class.

Thank you for letting me decide what I can do with my body. Thank you for opening some up to the idea that women deserve free rein of their bodies just as much as men do.

Thank you for creating an affordable healthcare option, so that we can have a healthier country. Thank you for disregarding the talk about money and future, and for providing safety for those who didn’t think they’d have it.

Thank you for your comedy, from talk shows to the White House Correspondents’ Dinners.

Thank you for your light-heartedness around children. It’s not every day that the president opens the White House for a Halloween party.

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Thank you for talking about tough issues with an open outlook. Thank you for disregarding taboo and speaking about what truly needs to be heard.

Thank you for sharing the love story between you and your wife for all the world to see. Thank you for sharing your elegant family with the public.

Thank you for being historical and inspiring people of color to pursue their dreams.

Thank you for showing me the good in the United States, and for accepting the bad.

Thank you for running down the halls of the White House with your dog, Bo.

Thank you for appreciating and lifting the spirits of people of color, LGBTQIA people, disabled people, and every other kind of person.

Thank you, Barack Obama, for being this country’s humble, kind, and amazing 43rd president.

Polarized America

It’s no secret that the United States is a nation with a political gap between its parties – one that has only gotten worse with the recent controversial election. This division within the nation has shown its ugly face through protests, fighting, and through media outlets.

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The media paints a picture of one side versus the other, leaving very little wiggle room for any moderates. In other words, moderates in media are not found, and any voice of reason must have backing from a political party, or else it will simply fall on deaf ears. There will likely never be a rise of a moderate party, leaving the United States in a rough two-party system.

George Washington, the first president of the United States, forewarned the rising of political parties, telling, “they are likely in the course of time and things, to become potent engines, by which cunning, ambitious, and unprincipled men will be enabled to subvert the power of the people and to usurp for themselves the reins of government.”

Whether or not this is happening today through either candidate is up to the reader, but the fact remains that political parties have far too much power. They are far more interested in pushing their agendas than the good of the nation they are supposed to serve. Polarized America, land of the indifferent, ruled by the Donkey and Elephant.

Laziness is in my genes

Looking around school, a workplace, or on the street, you may find some people who are incredibly lazy, some seemingly addicted to exercise, and others addicted to food. For certain people there is a strong correlation between genes and how active, lazy, or addicted to food they are. These people may have one or more genes that are deactivated, causing some practices to be less entertaining than others.

Healthy practices release dopamine within the brain, which makes the individual happy. This release dramatically changes the mood of the individual, often making them feel good. This great feeling can be addictive – if one feels good when eating food, (which everyone does) over time they may eat more food than they should, due to the feeling released by dopamine.

It’s not rocket science, just addiction.

These deactivated genes make it harder to get out of bed early, keep up a healthy diet, or hit the gym. This doesn’t mean you should use the excuse: “laziness is in my genes,” instead you should try a little harder, and make positive habits that help you break you bad habits. Drive makes you, not just your genes.

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School Fatigue & Thanksgiving Break

Thanksgiving is almost here, and with that comes a week-long break from school, which I am truly grateful for. Lately, to be able to make it through the school day I have had to go to bed at 9 pm.

I am basically a grandma.

But soon, everyone, including myself, will get to take a break from school, and hopefully, will get to go without alarm clocks and schoolwork for a week to recharge.

For those who celebrate Thanksgiving, we can stuff our faces full of turkey (or Tofurky for the vegans?), stuffing, and pie. And then we can all fall into a deep food coma.

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There’s also Black Friday, which is just a shopping free-for-all, where people lose their minds over the sales and rip flat screens out from other shoppers’ hands.

And, right when Thanksgiving ends, it’s basically Christmas, so I’m pumped.

Now all California needs is COLD WEATHER (and rain, obviously).