something has changed.
colors are duller
even flowers look sad.
my eyes feel like a melancholy ocean,
and my cheeks the sand; waiting for the waves to rush on to them.
tears have replaced laughing,
smiles feel hollow.
my face has a different complexion,
more pale, more hopeless, less me.
my body feel lethargic, corpulent, and ignominious,
i am rotting from the inside out.
i have lost a part of me; the will to push, the will to continue, the will to strive
and it shows.
things that barely phased me are now barricades.
it’s hard to exist when you feel like you have nothing to live for.
oh me, oh life, oh self… where have you gone?
I started my junior year one month ago, which I have been waiting for pretty long time ago. I heard this year will be super tough, taking tons of AP courses, preparing for quizzes, tests, exams, and finals that come one after another. Besides, also need to take care about extracurricular activities, social relationships, being a student leader or something like that. All of those things are taking up both my time and energy.
It has been 4 weeks since this school year started.
What did I do so far? I don’t know. Probably nothing.
Nah. I definitely did something, not just something, I have done a lot of things.
I wrote four reading journals and rewrote them several times, three short answer questions, two stories, one lab report, took the first unit exams for all my classes…… Almost every day was extremely busy, I got super exhausted every night, and need to refill my energy level back up every morning.
Actually, the school itself, does not seem to be that much more challenging compared to last year. And the challenges I am struggling with now are not really difficult, they’re just new to me.
There are always ups and downs in life. I am happy I have someone to share both my happiness and unhappiness.
If I may,
through ye rivers
through ye trees
it is you who have suffered
by the hand of me
with starlets faded
and trumpets drowned
ye murky streams
held fast in winter sounds
– you’re a river –
ancient winnings left unsung
you’re my peer, my equal
yet you still leave me stung
ye valley, ye hillside, ye marbled dismay
covered in oleander
onward ye May
ye gargling, ye moving, ye ponderous brook
(struck through me!)
a center it took
“Tear me to pieces
cut out where my eyes cease to look”
and just then will they open to see
the face of summer laughing at me
with eyes open wide
my love it did wander
for bitter I was
my heart it did squander:
ye forest, ye mountain, ye breeze
ye sunglass driving, ye proliferate bees.
Suppose I am the offspring of thine shepherd:
you are the hunt,
that which I am after.
and with the fall comes the rapid convergence:
mine sweet love’s resurgence
But once again the autumn leaves took
to a different stream or babbling brook
and forevermore I am wandering in a forest ever stranger
of perilous rot
and cavernous danger
All that which a summer could bring!
but once again I am searching for a longer sting
and what of the prospect? What this winter will bring!
while more I could say might strengthen the pressure
I leave with you no words, no rhyme, no measure
that might contrast mine song of May
it tingles, it trickles, and just may delight
in telling a story of our precarious plight
with the sincerest intentions on an immeasurable scale,
all that you’re left with is a tacky email
and no words, no sermons, no divine light
could bring you back the way it would
into my life.
minutes later you answer:
true love is true love’s killer
I love Diet Pepsi. If I order a food delivery, a 2-liter Diet Pepsi will definitely be in it. But lately, I’ve announced farewell to it.
Looking at a can of Diet Pepsi, it’s the word “Diet” that will capture your eyes. It means no sugar is in Pepsi. In other words, Diet Pepsi has zero-calories. It means you can feel guilt-free when drinking a can of soda, it means you can drink ten cans of Diet Pepsi and still stay in shape… but it also means cancer.
Cancer? Yes, cancer. Like I said, Diet Pepsi is sugar-free. However, the Pepsi company replaces the sugar with a kind of sweetener called aspartame. Studies on aspartame have shown that the use of aspartame can increase the chance for an individual to get blood-related cancers.
On the Diet Pepsi company’s response to the studies on aspartame was replacing aspartame with other non-sugar sweeteners. This alone shows the dangers aspartame triggers. However, most Diet Pepsi I see out there still state the use of aspartame. While I’m no professional in studying sweeteners or the soda industry, I do care about my own longevity. And honestly, even if they use another kind of sweetener in soda, I don’t think I can trust its safety anymore. That’s why I’ve decided to stay off the product.
Looking at all those soda cans, with labels like “sugar-free,” “caffeine-free” or “aspartame-free”… I have a question for all of us—why not just free yourself by drinking water?
Drink water, live longer.
Derived from my experiences from boarding schools, food delivery is inevitable. Boarding school’s rigorous schedule is demanding for students. I was wondering if my thought applies to other boarding school kids, and from their testimonies I could say for sure that boarding school’s food is insufficient for students. I believe that to boost boarding school kid’s morale , the school is responsible for better quality of food.
I acknowledged that the food can’t be perfect, but if school at least tries to satisfy students by communicating with them, I’m pretty sure that in result students will achieve greater performances, for instance, in academics, sports, and involvement. Also by better quality of school food, the trash caused by delivery will reduce significantly, which diminishes one of the big concerns in our school. In conclusion, I believe that if school communicates with student for better quality of food, the benefits will outweigh the negative effects.
OVS for sure is a great school, however, I believe there are some parts that could be better in future perspective. For example, breakfast check in. In my opinion, breakfast check in is inefficient for both boarders and teachers. Derived from my experience, it is hard to finish the school work within study hall period, so I would stay up late to finish my work. However, OVS requires borders to check in by 7:35. As a result, students who stayed up late struggle to make it to check in. Students would have to wake up super early to get ready for school.
If school gets rid of breakfast check in, or if school could make breakfast check in as punishment for misbehavior. Student would start off day lively and they would better perform in school by focusing more in classes. Therefore school should not force students for breakfast check in for students, which would benefit the school as a result.
The entire day, I have been thinking about what to write and what to say. Quite frankly, I have nothing to say. So here is everything that has been swallowing me alive this week:
- This week, I have exhausted my opinions and today, I feel indifferent about all those previous feelings.
- Being a Libra, one of my qualities, more like flaws, is that I am indecisive. Sometimes, I cannot make a decision even if my life depended on it and that scares me as I apply for college.
- I am so excited to vote next year.
- I am done with the cliches that I hear in music and see on TV. Why can’t the world be real with me?
- How much water is too much water to drink?
- The sun is literally going to cook me alive and sunscreen will not stop it.
- Why did all my teacher’s decide to give me tests in the same week? Just wondering.
- I believe that we are not alone in this universe and I want to be the one to truly prove that.
- The world is crumbling under our feet and so many people are careless about it.
- Clouds are crazy.
- I am a consumer and I hate it.
- Even though its 100 degrees, I want to be in a hot tub.
- Is it okay if my conditioner is my best friend?
This is a brief look inside my brain and conscience this week.
By no standards are my Chinese skills any more than proficient. After moving away at the age of 12, things started to fade for me very quickly. After six months I forgot how to write; after a year, my reading; then finally, my identity.
By the time I entered the eighth grade, I had been thoroughly white-washed. Granted, I am only half Chinese, but I was raised to embrace my Chinese background, to be proud of my heritage. But it was slipping away.
I went back to China the summer before I entered my Freshman year of High School. I wasn’t able to handle the street-food, my 8-year-old cousin was speaking better than I was, and I had lost a connection with the country that raised me.
Before I left my Grandmother repeated something to me that she had told me before I moved away. “Remember,” she said simply, “Remember where you come from.” When she said this, I realized it was a plea for me to clasp onto my cultural identity that was on the cusp of being extinguished. I had a life in China, friends, family, and a part of myself that never seems to board the flight to LAX when my visits end.
So I listened to her, I pushed myself to retain the identity I found in being Chinese, I acknowledged the comments of being only half, being unable to communicate, but they don’t bother me. When I listen to songs from my childhood, when I go back to visit, when I speak my native tongue, no matter how poor it is, I feel like myself again.
There are certain things in everyone’s life that hold invaluable, unspeakable significance to their sense of self, to their state of being, that without it, they feel like a bulb without its filament. To me that is the ability to speak in Chinese. As soon as the words escape me, I feel that connection again, I remember the people, taste the food, experience the culture. I am eternally grateful to my Grandmother for what she instilled in me because I know that at my lowest moments I always have something to lean on.
Happy Birthday Derek
Nowadays, personal knowledge becomes much more important with the high development of technology, since the machine and robots can replace the manpower. Almost everyone is eager for studying more knowledge or letting their children get a better education. Based on this, more and more people choose to attend a boarding school overseas, and the most popular destination in America. However, attending a boarding school in the U.S. is still a controversial issue.
From my own experience of studying and living here, my feeling is very great. I remember the first day I came here, I was so nervous and confused. A totally strange environment with unfamiliar people speaking a language that I could barely understand. But with time, I felt more and more comfortable. I started to laugh again. I could communicate in another language and make my own opinion in class. I made a great number of new friends and we have fun every moment. Without my family’s company and help, I started trying some things that I had never done before. I can put my room in order and sweep the room by myself. I can pack my things for a trip and go to homestay during the break. I can take care of myself and know what do to when I get sick. I feel much more independent and confident than before.
To sum it up, although studying abroad will cost a great amount of money and stay so far away from home, in my opinion it is worth it. What you will learn and what you will experience in studying overseas can not be bought by money. It will make your own life become unique from others.