Category: emotions

I Crave Sleep

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Sometimes I just want to let go. Sometimes I just want to not care. Sometimes I just don’t want to have to think.

I wish I could just shut my mind off and get lost.

Have you ever tried to shut your mind off?

I wish I could just relax and not have a constant stream of thoughts pouring through my mind.

I wish that just for a few hours I could be alone with my own thoughts, consumed not by others words but my own.

I yearn for silence, I yearn to be able to block out all the voices and noises that are rushing through my head.

I crave the ability to just shut my eyes and block out the world around me.

I long to be able tay down and not be disturbed. I long to be able to lay down and let my mind leave my body.

I crave sleep.

Photo Credit: http://img.medicalxpress.com

 

My Summer in Paraguay

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This past summer I went to Paraguay for seven weeks as part of a program called Amigos de las Americas. After a one week training period in Houston, TX, I flew for 16 hours to the country’s capital, Asunción.

From there I met with all 50 of the volunteers, who were from all over the U.S. We then went through a more in-depth training, got our partners, and left for our communities.

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My partner Elizabeth and I were in a community called Costa San Blas, in the Department (kind of like a state) of Paraguarí. It was a beautiful, rural community, with roughly 800 people. We lived with our host family, which consisted of a mom, dad, two sisters and two brothers. Normally, only the mom and the sisters were around.

The community is living in poverty, but we were lucky enough to have running water and other appliances. We had a shower (though no hot water) and even had a washing machine! Surprisingly, we also had a T.V. and huge speakers, almost as tall as me.

A big part of their culture is music and dancing, so they would constantly be blaring their favorite songs and dancing as much as possible. It was so cool to experience.

As Amigos volunteers, Elizabeth and I were required to implement a project in the community, work with our partner agency, SENASA, to provide latrines to those in need, and hold camps for the younger kids at the school.

It was a busy summer!

The seniors at the school were building a playground for the younger grades to play on, and we adopted their project as ours. The kids still did all aspects that they planned – our job was to fundraise and buy paint to add some color to the playground.

We fundraised by holding a soccer tournament in the field behind our house. With the help of the senior girls, we made empanadas which we sold, along with other food and drinks at the games.

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Teams were charged, and the losers bought beer for the winners. With the money we made, we went out and bought paint!

For the latrines, we went around the community and met families in need, who we then taught how to construct the facility. Elizabeth and I helped distribute the materials, and the latrines were built!

Out of all our duties, the camps were my favorite. Held at the school while it was in session and behind our house over break, we worked with children from grades K-6 for two hours each day. We would play game after game, including duck-duck-goose, and games just from their community.

I loved spending time with the kids, and getting to know them all. They always looked forward to the camps, and it was the cutest thing ever.

At home, Elizabeth and I mainly hung out with our host sisters, Leila, 11 and Rocio, 6. Feisty but adorable, they would take us around the community, showing us every nook and cranny, and introducing us to different community members. Back at the house we would also play cards – I must have played at least 100 games of UNO.

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I know I made an impact this summer, and that’s an awesome feeling to have. I have a sense of accomplishment that I couldn’t achieve in any other way.

The fact that I built relationships with so many people, all in a different language and living so differently than what I’m used to, is pretty incredible to me.

I may not have changed the world, but I think I’ve impacted the lives of a few. And I’ve had an experience unlike any other, which I think is amazing within itself.

Anxiety

mariethearistocat

The feeling hits you like a bus.

The feeling is like an elephant on your chest.

The feeling inside of your stomach.

The feeling is like the shivers.

The feeling is a civil war.

The feeling is like a virus creeping around your body.

The feeling leaves your brain like mush.

The feeling is like a constant struggle for the upper hand.

The feeling isn’t normal.

The feeling is like a tornado, bringing havoc to your body.

The feeling, for me, never goes away.

The feeling of anxiety, of constant nervousness.

The extra fear is a constant.

Every day is a perilous journey.

From sunrise to sunset.

Constant worrying.

Worrying about school, grades, boyfriends, friends, family, everything.

There is no escape of this feeling.

Constant fear of the future and present and past.

Not just big things, but every, minute spec of life like a challenge to the brain.

It’s not temporary.

It’s not an emotion.

It’s not “just anxiety.”

It’s not okay.

It’s not fine.

It’s there.

It’s my constant state of being.

It’s how I live.

It’s how I was born.

It’s my mental illness.

It’s my little pain in my head, chest, or stomach.

It’s my forever.

It’s not part of me, it is me.

The New America

instalocker
Photo Credit: http://blog.collinsflags.com

It’s 2015 and all the good values in Americans are dead. This generation is disrespectful, uninformed, more interested in what’s trending, and drinking overpriced coffee, than finding success in life. There was a time where Americans took pride in their work, when they respected the President, and families talked about their day at meals.

What happened to the hard-working American? The ones that took pride in their work and came home each day satisfied and tired? Nowadays everyone complains about their work; they think being a barista is a career, and that their life’s so hard.

60% of United States citizens don’t graduate college. If anyone from that 60% says life is hard, they are full of crap. They do less than the 40%, and they complain just as much. How hard can their job be?

If anyone comes home from work not tired, they did it wrong. This is America, what was once the best nation in the world. What happened to this generation? How did one generation completely ruin all American values? I am ashamed to be a part of the worst generation in American history. What happened to the good old American ideal that we could always do better?

The lazy baristas and interns aren’t just bad employees; they are just plain disrespectful. Everywhere I go, I will see at least one kid being extremely disrespectful. There’s a difference between teenage trouble making and pure disrespect.

The disrespect is  rudeness, like knocking stuff down and not picking it up because it’s not their job. It’s okay to not agree, but to disrespect publicly is wrong. Everyone from my generation, including me, does this. I’m not proud when I do it, but it’s just something everyone does now.

This is the generation of social media where we can say anything without repercussions. Free speech is great, but what no one understands anymore is just because it can be said, it doesn’t mean it should be. I would classify myself as a Republican, but I don’t trash talk Obama.

In fact, I think Obama has done a damn good job. Obama is a great example to show what’s wrong with the nation. When I say that, I don’t mean the government; I mean the people in it. What is wrong with people who think it’s okay to question whether Obama was born in the states?

What happened that made it okay for the media to falsely state Obama’s plans? The biggest incident was post Sandy Hook, when the news was telling everyone Obama is taking their guns away. But in reality, he has done more for gun nuts than against.

I’m not saying it’s the parents of this generation to blame. It’s the biased news that is viewed by everyone, manipulating the public. It is the uninformed social media users spreading non-factual crap that makes the government look like a joke. What makes this country so bad? It’s the people who say the country is bad, but don’t realize that they are the ones who need to change it. They are the ones who make America bad.

I hope that someday people once again look up to the President with the highest level of respect, even those that don’t agree. The people make the country, not the government. It’s the whole damn reason the government was designed the way it was.

Having a Conversation

thebeigegirl

A boy thought he was good at persuading for his age.

He almost always succeeded to change his friends’ disagreeing opinions, so he had been satisfied with his persuasion skills.

However, as time went by, he could see people not changing their opinions in his favor although he still had good reasonings.

Looking back and thinking carefully, he could figure out why.

He was not actually persuading them.

He succeeded to change their opinions but failed to change their minds.

The people could feel him being indifferent to their opinions.

He would only listen to their opinions to find the holes in them, to prove their errors.

He talked to them on the premise that his thoughts were right.

He was not having a conversation with them. He was giving them lectures and forcing his ideas into them, which no one asked for.

PC: http://sourcefed.com/how-do-you-argue/

In your life, you are the main character. You’re the protagonist, the hero, the heroine. However, you are just a passerby in others’ lives.

Whether an opinion is right or not depends on what perspective we see it from. An absolute idea in history can be the most ridiculous thing in the future; someone might not like what I like; a homeless person can be happy while a girl thinks him to be unhappy.

No one can guarantee the future, and not one opinion is absolutely right. Therefore, the point of conversations lies on sharing different ideas.

So, why even bother to talk to people if you know that you will not consider their ideas as an option and only emphasize your idea again and again?

In fact, you are bothering them.

 

How can I focus on anything but grades?

hubbabubba98

“Don’t focus so much on your grades.”

Teachers have said this over and over again since I started high school.

They constantly tell me to not focus on the end result, but to focus on the material, to develop an interest and study it out of enjoyment, not because I want to get a passing grade.

I don’t understand that at all. Why am I being told not to care so much about my grades or to not study only because I want a good grade, when in reality everything comes down to “intelligence” being perceived from a grade.

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They say that the grade you get isn’t the important part, so why do we get grades at all?

For a teacher to tell me to calm down and relax and not concentrate or obsess so much over what my grade will be, is hands down the most frustrating thing a teacher can ever say.

Photo Credit: http://cdn.quotesgram.com/

It is simple, if teachers don’t want me to focus so much on the grade, then don’t “reward or punish” with a grade.

Happiness

thebeigegirl

I hear a lot of people say, “Why is my life so hard?”

And I want to ask them back is, “Why do you think that your life shouldn’t be hard?”

People, including myself, have a tendency to perceive hard lives to be unhappy lives.

However, if you change the way you think a little bit, you can be happier than before.

PC: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/04/23/chasing-happiness_n_5197699.html

There are tiring parts but there are still fun parts in our lives.

If you don’t love all your tough challenges and uphill battles, you are not loving your own life.

Love your entire life, even the hardest parts of it.

Happiness will then come to you.

PC: http://deliveringhappiness.com/reasons-for-living-its-the-little-things/

 

SAT TESTING ROUND TWO

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Photo Credit: http://www.educationnews.org

Today I came home to hear some of the best news I have all week.

President Obama hates standardized testing almost as much as I do.

The Obama administration has come up with a new plan for standardized testing; capping standardized testing to 2% of classroom time.

Someone finally understands the pressure.

I have spent the past week agonizing over my latest SAT scores.

After receiving a score that I believe it so sub-par to the standards set, I sat in my room for hours and considered my options: maybe I won’t get accepted to any colleges, maybe I should just give up now, maybe I should spend an extra three hours a day studying for this test.

For this is a test that does not demonstrate the magnitude of what I have learned throughout the course of high school, but a test that displays how well I can adapt to it’s irrelevant questions.

Questions that are completely meaningless in the grand scheme of things, questions that do not reflect how intelligent I am, or how successful I will be in my college career.

Rather, this test gives college admission teams the ability to put my knowledge into a category of advanced or average.

The pressure I have felt throughout the past four years of my life to meet the “above average” score of this test is obscene.

I have spend countless nights laying awake in my bed wondering if the work I have completed in the last four years will be dismissed because of an average test score that I have earned through sitting at a desk for four hours.

The standardized system is flawed.

There is no standard anything for a million adolescent brains that function at different paces and in different ways.

Talking to you

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I want to talk to you at three in the morning, when I’m laying in bed, with waves of emotion rushing over me. I want to talk to you when I wake up from a bad dream – drowning in my thoughts, suffocated by my imagination.

When I can barely talk, overrun by emotion – I want you to be there, welcoming my grievances. Listening to my rants, my aches and pains, and my worries.

When all I see is blackness, and all I feel is pressure, I want to talk to you. My support – a shoulder to cry on, someone to vent to – you are who I turn to.

I have a lot of thoughts. Good and bad, light and heavy, they consume me. And when I wake up in the middle of the night and every inch of me is devoured by these emotions, it is you who I want beside me.

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Dirty Feet Blues

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I want to live a life with permanently dirty feet.

The assertion that one is obligated to be confined in shoes, at a job, where you sit in the same spot, and do the same thing everyday.

When I was younger I would play for hours on end without shoes on my feet.

I’d like to think of my dirty feet as an accomplishment. You’ve connected with the earth for so long that is has had time to change you.

The wicked cycle of an endless suburbia is keeping our feet much too clean. The same thing every single day.

Switch it up, take those damn shoes off — forget about your work emails for half an hour and take a minute to be alone.

Uninterrupted, just you and the earth. Breath it in. Feel the dewy grass tickle to spaces between your toes. Feel the rough asphalt grind away at your skin.

I would like to live a life with permanent dirty feet. In this technological age, people are seeming to forget that they’re washable.

You can get as dirty as you want because you can be cleaned. You can wash away the silt from your socks but you can’t replace the feeling of truly connecting with the earth.

Stop checking Twitter and take a look around. See the life that you’re missing out on being glued to the screen of your phone and go get dirty.

You’re too busy Instagraming at the tops of mountains for the likes rather than the memories and sense of accomplishment.

 

Whether you hold this true to yourself or not — this time we’re living in feels so artificial.

So, disconnect from the screen and go connect with what’s green.